Hello, I'm back from the dead! Anyone interested in what the hell has happened to me over the past several months may find answers on my bio.
Here is my second attempt at this chapter, which I feel is a good deal better than my first. It even looks like this story may have some direction, of all things! :) I may not know exactly where I'm going, but I know where I don't want to go, and I am determined to not suck.
Massive thanks to anyone out there still reading this. I can't possibly express my gratitude for all of your patience and understanding. Massive hugs all around, along with talking Ed plushies!
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Evening had crept up on Randi and Carrie's college campus, which was currently short one Carrie. Ed was out in the bluffs, most likely snuffling in some dirt and making quiet exclamations to himself. Randi was sitting on her bed with her head in her hands, doing her level best to not moan aloud. Legolas was sitting on Carrie's bed, glaring out the window, muttering that Celestina must be out there somewhere, and occasionally punching the mattress in frustration.
Celestina had quietly materialized in a corner of the girls' dorm room, and was waiting for someone to notice her.
Somewhat ironically (so much for superior elven senses), it was Randi who lifted her head first. She looked at the Goddess of Mary-Sues, did a comical double-take, and then jumped off of her bed, looking absolutely livid.
"Bring my roommate back this instant!"
Legolas looked over in surprise, then swiftly leaped to his feet, drawing his knives as he did so. "Do it," he ordered in a low voice, "or I will make your passing slow."
Celestina regarded the furious pair, then tossed her head back and laughed a long, wicked laugh. Legolas's knives wavered slightly, but Randi just folded her arms; she was used to the goddess's cackling. As soon as Celestina had finished, Randi repeated her request.
"I'm afraid that won't be possible," the goddess replied, flicking an invisible speck of dust off of her altogether hideous dress, the color of which could best be described as "neon vomit." "She is currently enjoying the attentions of two certain young hobbits."
"I doubt she's enjoying it," Randi sneered. "It's being written by you, after all."
"Oh, she's having a wonderful time!" Celestina grinned with the air of someone who had several full decks of cards up her sleeves, which wasn't entirely out of the question, considering the sheer volume of her current ones. "D'you know, she actually kissed what's-his-face…" she paused, drumming her fingers pensively on her chin. "You know, the blonder one with the somewhat unusual nose."
"Merry," Legolas scowled ferociously and gripped his knives tighter. "I'll throttle him!"
"That's the one!" Celestina nodded, looking terribly pleased with herself. "It was so romantic!"
Randi gaped in disbelief. "She actually kissed him? Like, willingly?!"
"Well, technically he kissed her," Celestina waved a hand dismissively, "but it wasn't like your roommate tried to stop him."
"That presumptuous little…" Legolas waved his knives expressively for lack of words, forcing Randi to take a hasty step sideways.
"Oh, I don't see why you're so bothered by it," Celestina raised a perfect eyebrow at the infuriated elf.
Randi could see where the conversation was headed, and quickly tried to steer it in a direction that would involve the goddess leaving. "What are you even doing here? Won't your mother get pissed?"
"Most unfortunately for you," Celestina purred, "Mother is at a party from which she will not be returning any time soon. That leaves me with enough time to straighten out a few things that have been going awry lately." The goddess looked pointedly from Randi to Legolas and back.
"I'm not sure what you're implying," Legolas said frankly.
"I am," Randi said, rolling her eyes. "Why the hell won't you just give it a rest, Windbreaker?"
"Not in my nature," Celestina replied, peeved. "Though," she added, looking a bit more cheerful, "I would be more than happy to restore your roommate to her proper location once you and Legolas give in to the romantic feelings I know you both harbor for one another."
"I don't harbor a single romantic feeling for him," Randi said, "and guess what? He doesn't much like me, either!" A smug grin spread across Randi's features. "So there!"
"Are you mad?" Legolas asked incredulously. But he wasn't looking at Celestina. Randi found herself the object of a horribly familiar moony gaze.
"Damn it!" Randi backed away from Legolas in horror as Celestina picked up the smug grin that had fallen so abruptly from the girl's face.
"Now that that's all fixed," Celestina brushed her hands together, "I suppose I'll be getting on. And I'll take that horse with me… no sense in making it easy for you to escape." She waved cheerfully at Randi as the girl lunged at her, then disappeared with an extravagant POOF, a swirl of cerulean smoke, and a generous helping of silver glitter. Randi found herself grasping at nothing but air and the overpowering scent of bubblegum.
The girl staggered a pace backwards, coughing furiously. Legolas rubbed her back in a soothing manner, having put his knives away.
"Lady Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, are you all right?"
Randi straightened and smacked the elf's hand away. "If you forking touch me again, I'm going to take your bow and jam it so far up your ass that you'll taste wood, understand?" Legolas backed away, looking both abashed and somewhat disturbed. "And," Randi added for good measure, "my name is Randi. Call me anything other than that, and I'll do the exact same thing I threatened to do with your bow, only I'll use your knives." She paused, her eyes narrowing. "Both of them."
"I understand mila—er, Randi," Legolas said, looking a tad frightened. But puppy-Legolas couldn't be kept down for long, and after a moment he smiled winningly and added, "You're so beautiful when you're angry with me!"
"You're asking for it, biatch." Randi picked up his bow and shook it warningly. Legolas hurriedly sat down on the futon. The girl glared suspiciously at him for a moment, then sat down on her bed again, pointing the bow at Legolas as if it was a long, curvy musket. "Now what am I going to do?" she muttered to herself, feeling the black caterpillar of despair beginning to nibble on the shrubbery of her soul.
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Celestina appeared in her bedroom, giggling with evil glee. J.J. padded over to rub his massive head against his mistress's leg in greeting.
"Things are looking up, J.J.," Celestina announced to the tiger. "Legolas is back to abnormal, Randi is stuck with him, and I've fixed the story I'm keeping Carrie in! Look!" She sat down in front of her computer, opened the fic in question, and started to read the most recent paragraph out loud.
"'Pippin whirled on Merry, looking infuriated. "I thought I meant something to you, Merry! I…"'" Celestina trailed off, a look of deepest distaste dawning on her face. "Oh, bullocks." A moment later, J.J. was left sneezing at the POOF of periwinkle smoke the goddess left in her wake.
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Pippin whirled on Merry, looking infuriated. "I thought I meant something to you, Merry! I thought…" he trailed off, looking disgusted with himself. "I suppose I thought a lot of foolish things."
"That's nothing unusual," Merry said, looking warily at Pippin. "Stay close to me, Daisy; I think he may have snapped."
"I'm actually quite comfortable where I am," Carrie said cheerfully. She had been watching the exchange with no small amount of delight; it was like a sporting event in which the competitors couldn't decide whether they were playing hockey or curling.
"Yes, I'd stay away from this one if I were you, Daisy," Pippin bitterly advised, jerking his head at his cousin. "He'll make you believe that he loves you, then turn around and act as if he's never even thought of you that way –"
"I have never thought of you that way!" Merry snapped defensively.
"Right!" Pippin exclaimed. "Of course you haven't!" He glared at Merry, then shook his head again. "Well, I'm finished with you, Merry. I'm finished with you, and I'm finished with this whole bloody charade." He strode over to where his coat was lying in the leaves and picked it up.
Carrie watched him, feeling suddenly uneasy. "Are you, um, going somewhere?"
"Back to the Shire," Pippin announced shortly, shaking the leaves out of his coat.
"Ah!" Merry rocked back on his heels and grinned. "Good plan, Pippin."
The Took glared at his cousin. "I don't know why I've lingered so long, really." He pulled the leaf-free garment on briskly.
"Wait," Carrie said, climbing to her feet as visions of shattered canon danced through her head. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea."
"I think it's a brilliant idea," Merry said quickly.
"There's no particular reason for me to stay, is there?" Pippin looked at Carrie and sighed. "I'm just a hobbit. I'm not a warrior or a hero. I don't belong in this mess… so I'm going somewhere I do belong." He paused uncertainly, giving Carrie a look she couldn't quite identify. "Feel free to join me, if you like."
Carrie stared at Pippin. He was all set to head back to the Shire, an act which would almost certainly blow the story to bits. There would be no fall of Isengard, Pippin would never make it to Gondor, and there would simply be no salvaging things. Unless she stayed behind and reprised Pippin's role in the grand scheme of things, the fic would take a wildly AU turn for the worse.
But then again, this prison of a fanfic was already a Tolkien purist's nightmare. There was no elf in the Fellowship, she was the resident Mary-Sue… what was she going to do? Try to preserve the story's nonexistent integrity? A plunge off the deep end was no more than this fic deserved, really. And if Pippin stayed slashy, he wouldn't hit on her… and added bonus!
"You know what?" Carrie said with a very small smile, "I think I will."
"Pardon?" Merry stammered incredulously.
"I'm going to head back to the Shire with Pippin," Carrie elaborated, her smile spreading rapidly into a grin. "It sounds like fun!"
"But…" Merry looked desperate. "You can't do that! Daisy, we have to help our friends! And you said you didn't even want to go back to the Shire!"
"Well, I changed my mind," Carrie said, picking up the cloak she had cast off some time ago and pinning it back on. "And I'll just have to help everyone by staying out of the way. I'm not much a fighter; I'd probably trip on my own sword and impale myself."
"But… but…" Merry sputtered, at a complete loss. Pippin handed Carrie a large stick he had picked up off the ground that would serve as a walking stick; he looked as if he was trying very, very hard not to smirk at Merry's consternation.
"Don't worry, Merry," Carrie said, patting the top of the hobbit's head. "I'm sure you'll do a fine job of acting all heroic on your own."
"But I don't want to be heroic on my own! I want… I want to be with you, Daisy."
"Then tag along or something! I'm going to the Shire, and that's final." Carrie folded her arms and frowned at Merry. "I'm making my stubborn face."
"Well…" Merry shifted uncomfortably, then cursed under his breath. "Fine. I'm coming, too."
"Lovely," Pippin muttered.
"Hey, the more, the merrier," Carrie said with a shrug. "Hehehe… Merry-er! Get it?" As she gazed at the somewhat confused faces of her companions, she found herself feeling that regardless of how stupid a move it seemed, going to the Shire was the right thing to do. The best thing to do, even. "Well," she said, grinning the sort of grin that gets people locked away, "shall we?"
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Well, there you have it! If anyone is still reading this, let me know in a review, because we all know that reviews are like a drug fix. ;) Muahaha.
Platy
