It has become quite apparent to me, and anyone with half a brain that
meteor mutants take a break over the holidays, possibly to pursue their
dreams of becoming Hollywood legends and getting walk on parts in Babylon 5
and Angel, so I won't be writing Paris into any FOTW episodes until I
finish writing about the holidays. But she will come into contact with
FOTWs later on. Besides how boring can the holidays be with drunk angry
rich kids with parental issues?
----December 6th 2002----
Paris walked into Lex's office, unannounced, like she had done many times before. She was digging in her purse not paying attention to what was going on. It was Friday night so chances were he was alone. WRONG! "Hey Lex have you seen my cell phone?" She looked up, and was instantly mortified at what she walked in on.
Lex and Helen were sitting, close together, in front of the fire place talking and sipping red wine. They looked over at her shocked.
"I am so sorry." She covered her mouth in embarrassment.
"Don't be." Lex said calmly.
"I didn't know you had a-a date tonight. I'll go look for my phone somewhere else."
"Helen I'd like you to meet Paris Stratford."
"Hello Paris." Helen said coolly, not getting up, she looked Paris up and down, scrutinizing the young woman before her. Paris knew what she was doing and began to squirm a little under the intense scrutiny the older woman was placing on her.
"And Paris, this is Dr. Helen Bryce. We met at the hospital. She's Mr. Kent's doctor."
"Oh." She choked out. "Hello. Nice work with the leg, cast, thing. Yeah I'm going to let you two get back to, yeah, and I'm going to go look in other places, for my phone. Which is why I came in here." She stopped rambling and turned around and started walking out of the room.
Lex stifled a chuckle at his friend's embarrassment. "I think it's in your car. You said you lost your reception in the cornfields yesterday and chucked it in the back." Lex called after her.
"Thanks." She waved to him as she left.
"Lex who was that?" Helen asked suspiciously.
"Just Paris."
"And why is Just Paris wandering around your house freely on a Friday night?"
"Because she lives here."
"Excuse me." Helen exclaimed shocked.
"It's not what you think." Lex ducked his head and chuckled.
"It's not what I think! You have an attractive twenty something actress running around your house and you bring me here for dinner and act completely blasé about the entire situation. What exactly am I supposed to think Lex?"
"I am blasé about the situation because there is no situation. Contrary to what people may choose to say or believe about me I am not some kind of deviant, sexually or otherwise."
"Well then why does she live here?" Helen asked suspiciously.
"Because she has had a very rough year and she is moving here from L.A. and she wanted out, quick, so she's here until her house is finished. She has her own room on a different floor in a different wing of the castle if that makes you feel any better." Lex gave her the Luthor smirk.
"A little." She lied. "But how do you know her?"
"We grew up together."
"That's it?"
"Well we dated a bit as teenagers but that's it."
"Alright."
"Good. Now let's get back to our evening."
----Paris's closet----
After finding her cell phone, in her car where Lex told her it'd be, Paris headed back to her room and barricaded herself in her closet with a beer. Due to her claustrophobia Paris would not be the person you'd find sitting in the bottom of a closet talking on he phone, but the walk in closets at chez Luthor were exceptionally large and well lit. After she found her phone, in the car where Lex said it was, the call she was intent on placing was lost, after the scene in the study she needed to call someone else.
'Okay even I haven't seen a closet this big before, and that's saying a lot.' She thought to herself as she waited for the person she was calling to pick up. "Pick up dammit." After 7 rings someone finally answered.
"Are you aware that it is 1:30 in the morning here?" A groggy British voice asked.
"Yeah I'm sorry about that Albert but I can't help the time difference in the world. Just think if we were in Hawaii we'd be on the beach watching a sunset having half naked men bring us Mai-Tai's." She took a long drink of her beer.
"Look Peanut I know you did not call me in the middle of the night to discuss the night life of Hawaiians, or exceptionally well built cabaña boys. So let's cut to the chase."
"Fine." She lay down on the floor and propped her pink Converse clad feet up on the door. A frustrated sigh escaped her lips.
"What happened?"
"Why do you automatically think something's wrong? God you're such a cynic."
"PARIS!" Albert yelled into the phone.
She smiled at his frustration. "Fine, fine. I was looking for my phone and I walked into Lex's study." She stopped talking.
"And what, he was naked swinging from the rafters like a chimpanzee? Cause if he is you should be all over that." Albert asked teasingly.
She chuckled. "No. He was on a date."
"Oh. How was it?"
"What do you mean how was it? I wasn't part of the date, I just walked in on it."
"No I mean awkwardness wise."
"Oh. Remember the part of American pie where the dad walks in on the kid humping the pie?"
"Yeah."
"I'd kill to be that kid right now."
"Ouch."
"Yeah. She's a fucking doctor. They're sitting there in front of the fire place with the red wine, doing the romance thing. Lex is working his Lexness. She's wearing this black spaghetti strap dress, with her hair done up and her makeup perfect. And I come bouncing in wearing flared jeans, a baby tee that, I kid you not, says 'Too tired to FCUK' and my pink Chucks with my hair in a messy bun. I look like I wandered off Dawson's Creek and she looks like she just walked off the Loreal ad. And she just sat there studying me and I know she was thinking 'My god how did you get past security?'. And I squirmed, I actually squirmed, like a 12 year old getting called to the principals office. Fucking AHhhhh!"
"I always told you that shopping that buying FCUK shirts was going to get you into trouble one day." He joked.
"Fuck you." She answered dryly.
"So are you upset that you disrupted Lex on a date or are you upset that Lex was on a date?"
"Um, both?"
"Paris."
"What?"
"I'm not your therapist but I believe this is called regression."
"Bite me Freud. God why is this shit so complicated? Lex and I are friends, we've been friends since before Men were from Mars and Women were from Venus, we were friends when Madonna was a virgin and Michael Jackson was still black. We've broken the law together, he used to be my look out when I'd make you eat dirt when you pissed me off."
"I still wake up with cold sweats and cotton mouth from that."
"You know what I'm saying. Why am I wigging about my friend being on a date? I've seen Bruce with other women and not given a crap, well except that blonde one I didn't like her."
"Yeah accept you never dated Bruce and you certainly never slept with Bruce."
"Well there's that."
"Aren't you the one who taught Lex to kiss?" Albert asked mischievously.
She smiled at the memory. "Yeah, we were like 13, he was the first minor I corrupted. He was going through that awkward I'm thirteen and bald stage, the kids at school called him Powder. He'd never kissed a girl before, but after I taught him the boy was unstoppable."
"You created a monster."
"Don't I know it."
"And you're pissed that the new girlfriend saw you when you weren't at your best. You know if you breezed in there wearing a Dolce and Gabanna, specially designed for you form fitting suit that you wear to intimidate studio types and a pair of fuck you heels you'd be sitting here gloating about how you made Lex's flavor of the week look like a cow."
"Maybe. So what am I mad that I saw Lex on a date or am I mad that the date saw me not looking good?"
"Little bit of column A little bit of column B."
"Alright, god this is so much easier than therapy. Maybe I just needed to vent, I did make a proper ass out of myself. Did I mention that I rambled?"
"You, steadfast headstrong no holds bars balls to the walls Paris got nervous and rambled? That's bloody brilliant. I'd fucking pay to see that." He laughed at his cousin's folly.
"Hey Albie?"
"What peanut?"
"You're lucky that there is half a continent and the entire Atlantic Ocean between us buddy. Anyway do you really think she's just the flavor of the week?"
"Probably. Don't worry Paris you'll get another shot at him."
"Why Albert whatever are you implying?"
"I can see right through you."
"Yeah well if that day ever does come enjoy your snowball fight with Hitler and Napoleon."
Albert chuckled. "Hey what are we doing for Christmas this year?"
"Well seeing as how I'm banned from your parent's house indefinitely, due to that little skirmish last year."
"I don't care what my mother says, that was classic. Paris vs. Elizabeth, it was like a fucking celebrity death match."
"What can I say, drunken, dysfunctional family gatherings are a crowd pleaser. Unless it happens in your house. Ah your sister's a bitch and your mom has something up her ass anyway."
"Seriously what are we doing?"
"We were invited to go to the beach house in Fiji with Grandpere."
"Fiji huh? With Gustave?"
"Come on, surfing, sand, private beach complete with cabana boys." She sung the cabana boys part. "Grandpere will probably spend half the trip chasing his *lady friend* around."
"He is a randy old goat isn't he."
"He's still my grandfather, let's watch the language. Not to mention the scarring images that are now permanently ingrained in my head."
"Well you've twisted my arm luv, Fiji it is."
"Will Brian be joining us?" She smiled luridly at the thought of her cousin's boyfriend.
"Probably not, his presence is mandatory at family functions although they don't approve of his lifestyle so I am not welcome. We'll see him for New Years though."
"Alright."
"When do you leave to do the promos and junket for the finale?"
"I leave tomorrow afternoon, come back Thursday night. Then I leave for France the 19th, come back the 21st then leave for Fiji on the 23rd."
"See, by the time the month is over they'll be broken up you won't even have had to see her that much."
"I guess, but I still don't like her."
"Luv I'd hate to cut this call short but the telephone woke Brian up and he's torturing me."
"Alright. What's the world coming to when my gay British cousin is getting more action than me?" She asked chuckling.
"Hey ducks we're here we're queer get used to it." He retorted teasingly.
"I am used to it, I embrace it, I love you for it, I've marched with you for it, I'm just commenting on the irony. Night Albie."
"Night Pairs."
----The Conan O'Brien show four days later----
"Alright you all know our next guest from the popular WB series Byrds of Paradise. She plays Meagan Byrd. Please give a warm welcome to Paris Stratford." Audience claps and cheers for her.
Paris walks out on stage and meets Conan and sits. Audience is still cheering and clapping.
"Alright you heathen's let the lady talk."
"You're hot." Someone screamed.
Paris laughs. "Thank you whoever that was."
"Well now that we have that cleared up. For all who have just tuned in or have been living under a rock for the last four years Paris is in fact hot."
"Thank you Conan."
"Alright now your show, Byrds of Paradise is having it's series finale this week."
"Yes it is. We've had a great run but it's time to move on."
"Speaking of moving on you've moved."
"Yes I did."
"Now, this may strike some people as funny but Paris where did you move to?" Conan asked mischievously.
"I get the feeling that I'm about to be mocked in a moment. But yes I have left Los Angeles and am having a house built in Kansas."
"Kansas. Who would have thought a city girl would move out to the country. Gone to any ho'downs?"
"No it's not like that. I'm only about an hour away from Metropolis."
"I'm still trying to understand this. You are from New York city. You moved to L.A. and now Kansas. It's hard to fathom."
"But I didn't spend that much time in L.A. anyway. When we weren't taping I was usually on location somewhere. Now that I'm not taping there anymore it doesn't really matter."
"But they have cows there." He aid exasperated
She chuckled. "Yes they do have cows, and if I come across one in the road I'll drive around it but it's not like I moved to Amish country. It's a very nice, quiet town."
"But your house isn't finished yet am I right?"
"Yes you are correct about that."
"So where may I ask are you living?"
"No you may not ask that." She answered smiling.
"Ooh I smell a challenge. Stratford thinks she can out do the Conan. So Paris who are you living with, in sin?"
"We are not living in sin. And again you aren't getting any answers from me."
"Fine, fine. She's no fun folks. Here's an interesting story I heard. Did you get arrested for smoking in Amsterdam?"
She laughed at Conan. "NO we did not get arrested for smoking in Amsterdam, came close but no. The hotel did call the cops though."
"But it's Amsterdam I mean did you burn down the hotel or something."
"No nothing like that. A group us were there doing the junket and promo for Formula 51."
Audience cheers.
"I see when you're doing a drug movie you make a special stop in Amsterdam. It all makes sense."
Paris nods and laughs. "Exactly. Right now my publicist is shaking her head saying 'No don't follow him down the rabbit hole.' Anyway we're in Amsterdam and we somehow met up with Denis Leary and Dave Attel."
Conan laughs. "Oh this story just got ten times better."
"I know. So we met up with those two and after the junket and the press core left we were all sitting around in the conference room. There had to be like 10 or 15 people just having a few drinks relaxing. And the hotel manager comes knocking on the door. So we let him in. And a handful of us were smoking and I don't even smoke most of the time but you know it goes with the drinking. Anyway he comes in and very sternly tells us that we can't smoke in the hotel. And Sam Jackson points out that there were ashtrays in the room when we got there. And the manager says although they provide the ashtrays but you must request permission to use them."
"What?" Conan asked laughing.
"Exactly it's absurd. Dave and Dennis were just sitting there doing a slow burn waiting to unload on this guy. And I was thinking, okay they let Ashton Kutcher out of the country we're being punked this is nuts. So I decided that this was crap and I had to say something so I said 'you mean to tell me that in Amsterdam the city that is best known for the phrase smoke it if you can roll it you need to ask permission to smoke a cigarette."
More ruckus cheering from the audience. "Yeah Amsterdam. Woohoo!"
Conan laughing. "Well what'd he say?"
"He looked at me very seriously and said 'miss we do not endorse that phrase.' Even though you can buy a bumper sticker with that exact phrase in their gift shop."
More laughter.
"Oh my god, that's terrible, so where do the cops come in?"
"Okay. So Dennis is sitting there fuming and as everyone knows Dennis is not the epitome of diplomacy and tact."
"No definitely not. Dennis is the exact opposite of that. Dennis is the love child of George Carlin and Roseanne, his temperament is that bad."
Paris laughing. "Exactly. So Dennis stands up and blows smoke right in the guys face, I'm sitting there going 'oh shit Dennis stop I don't want to go to jail tonight.' Dave leans over and says 'oh don't worry sweetie you won't make it past booking with that ass.'"
Laughter.
"That must have been comforting."
"Right, Dave is not the person you want to get arrested with, he would have too much fun in jail. So we're sitting there waiting for Dennis to hit the guy and he says 'you mean to tell me that I can go out and legally buy a prostitute and weed in the same store, come back here screw her on that table and smoke up, but I can't smoke a damn cigarette.'"
"Oh my god." Conan laughing.
"I know. So Dave stands up and says damn I need a cigarette just listening to that and lights up. So the guy calls the cops and tells them the story. Thank God for lawyers. Instead of arresting the lot of us we had to pay a fine, $3,000 per cigarette."
"Well how much was the fine?"
"$90,000."
Conan laughs. "Are you serious?"
"Honest, they counted every butt in the ashtrays, and like I'll have one or two max but Dave and Dennis smoke like a pack at a time each. It got so bad, because everyone didn't want to pay for what they didn't smoke we had to divide them into piles by brand and person. So while I paid $6,000 Dennis paid $30,000."
"Dear lord that's a lot of money. So did anyone ever explain the point of the law?"
"Apparently in the Netherlands each establishment sets it's own rules of conduct about smoking, and we just didn't know that about our hotel."
"That is so weird. Alright Paris it is always a pleasure, Thursday night the WB, Byrds of Paradise watch it."
A/N: I know this chapter didn't do much but I just wanted a silly Paris centered chapter. The next one is good though.
----December 6th 2002----
Paris walked into Lex's office, unannounced, like she had done many times before. She was digging in her purse not paying attention to what was going on. It was Friday night so chances were he was alone. WRONG! "Hey Lex have you seen my cell phone?" She looked up, and was instantly mortified at what she walked in on.
Lex and Helen were sitting, close together, in front of the fire place talking and sipping red wine. They looked over at her shocked.
"I am so sorry." She covered her mouth in embarrassment.
"Don't be." Lex said calmly.
"I didn't know you had a-a date tonight. I'll go look for my phone somewhere else."
"Helen I'd like you to meet Paris Stratford."
"Hello Paris." Helen said coolly, not getting up, she looked Paris up and down, scrutinizing the young woman before her. Paris knew what she was doing and began to squirm a little under the intense scrutiny the older woman was placing on her.
"And Paris, this is Dr. Helen Bryce. We met at the hospital. She's Mr. Kent's doctor."
"Oh." She choked out. "Hello. Nice work with the leg, cast, thing. Yeah I'm going to let you two get back to, yeah, and I'm going to go look in other places, for my phone. Which is why I came in here." She stopped rambling and turned around and started walking out of the room.
Lex stifled a chuckle at his friend's embarrassment. "I think it's in your car. You said you lost your reception in the cornfields yesterday and chucked it in the back." Lex called after her.
"Thanks." She waved to him as she left.
"Lex who was that?" Helen asked suspiciously.
"Just Paris."
"And why is Just Paris wandering around your house freely on a Friday night?"
"Because she lives here."
"Excuse me." Helen exclaimed shocked.
"It's not what you think." Lex ducked his head and chuckled.
"It's not what I think! You have an attractive twenty something actress running around your house and you bring me here for dinner and act completely blasé about the entire situation. What exactly am I supposed to think Lex?"
"I am blasé about the situation because there is no situation. Contrary to what people may choose to say or believe about me I am not some kind of deviant, sexually or otherwise."
"Well then why does she live here?" Helen asked suspiciously.
"Because she has had a very rough year and she is moving here from L.A. and she wanted out, quick, so she's here until her house is finished. She has her own room on a different floor in a different wing of the castle if that makes you feel any better." Lex gave her the Luthor smirk.
"A little." She lied. "But how do you know her?"
"We grew up together."
"That's it?"
"Well we dated a bit as teenagers but that's it."
"Alright."
"Good. Now let's get back to our evening."
----Paris's closet----
After finding her cell phone, in her car where Lex told her it'd be, Paris headed back to her room and barricaded herself in her closet with a beer. Due to her claustrophobia Paris would not be the person you'd find sitting in the bottom of a closet talking on he phone, but the walk in closets at chez Luthor were exceptionally large and well lit. After she found her phone, in the car where Lex said it was, the call she was intent on placing was lost, after the scene in the study she needed to call someone else.
'Okay even I haven't seen a closet this big before, and that's saying a lot.' She thought to herself as she waited for the person she was calling to pick up. "Pick up dammit." After 7 rings someone finally answered.
"Are you aware that it is 1:30 in the morning here?" A groggy British voice asked.
"Yeah I'm sorry about that Albert but I can't help the time difference in the world. Just think if we were in Hawaii we'd be on the beach watching a sunset having half naked men bring us Mai-Tai's." She took a long drink of her beer.
"Look Peanut I know you did not call me in the middle of the night to discuss the night life of Hawaiians, or exceptionally well built cabaña boys. So let's cut to the chase."
"Fine." She lay down on the floor and propped her pink Converse clad feet up on the door. A frustrated sigh escaped her lips.
"What happened?"
"Why do you automatically think something's wrong? God you're such a cynic."
"PARIS!" Albert yelled into the phone.
She smiled at his frustration. "Fine, fine. I was looking for my phone and I walked into Lex's study." She stopped talking.
"And what, he was naked swinging from the rafters like a chimpanzee? Cause if he is you should be all over that." Albert asked teasingly.
She chuckled. "No. He was on a date."
"Oh. How was it?"
"What do you mean how was it? I wasn't part of the date, I just walked in on it."
"No I mean awkwardness wise."
"Oh. Remember the part of American pie where the dad walks in on the kid humping the pie?"
"Yeah."
"I'd kill to be that kid right now."
"Ouch."
"Yeah. She's a fucking doctor. They're sitting there in front of the fire place with the red wine, doing the romance thing. Lex is working his Lexness. She's wearing this black spaghetti strap dress, with her hair done up and her makeup perfect. And I come bouncing in wearing flared jeans, a baby tee that, I kid you not, says 'Too tired to FCUK' and my pink Chucks with my hair in a messy bun. I look like I wandered off Dawson's Creek and she looks like she just walked off the Loreal ad. And she just sat there studying me and I know she was thinking 'My god how did you get past security?'. And I squirmed, I actually squirmed, like a 12 year old getting called to the principals office. Fucking AHhhhh!"
"I always told you that shopping that buying FCUK shirts was going to get you into trouble one day." He joked.
"Fuck you." She answered dryly.
"So are you upset that you disrupted Lex on a date or are you upset that Lex was on a date?"
"Um, both?"
"Paris."
"What?"
"I'm not your therapist but I believe this is called regression."
"Bite me Freud. God why is this shit so complicated? Lex and I are friends, we've been friends since before Men were from Mars and Women were from Venus, we were friends when Madonna was a virgin and Michael Jackson was still black. We've broken the law together, he used to be my look out when I'd make you eat dirt when you pissed me off."
"I still wake up with cold sweats and cotton mouth from that."
"You know what I'm saying. Why am I wigging about my friend being on a date? I've seen Bruce with other women and not given a crap, well except that blonde one I didn't like her."
"Yeah accept you never dated Bruce and you certainly never slept with Bruce."
"Well there's that."
"Aren't you the one who taught Lex to kiss?" Albert asked mischievously.
She smiled at the memory. "Yeah, we were like 13, he was the first minor I corrupted. He was going through that awkward I'm thirteen and bald stage, the kids at school called him Powder. He'd never kissed a girl before, but after I taught him the boy was unstoppable."
"You created a monster."
"Don't I know it."
"And you're pissed that the new girlfriend saw you when you weren't at your best. You know if you breezed in there wearing a Dolce and Gabanna, specially designed for you form fitting suit that you wear to intimidate studio types and a pair of fuck you heels you'd be sitting here gloating about how you made Lex's flavor of the week look like a cow."
"Maybe. So what am I mad that I saw Lex on a date or am I mad that the date saw me not looking good?"
"Little bit of column A little bit of column B."
"Alright, god this is so much easier than therapy. Maybe I just needed to vent, I did make a proper ass out of myself. Did I mention that I rambled?"
"You, steadfast headstrong no holds bars balls to the walls Paris got nervous and rambled? That's bloody brilliant. I'd fucking pay to see that." He laughed at his cousin's folly.
"Hey Albie?"
"What peanut?"
"You're lucky that there is half a continent and the entire Atlantic Ocean between us buddy. Anyway do you really think she's just the flavor of the week?"
"Probably. Don't worry Paris you'll get another shot at him."
"Why Albert whatever are you implying?"
"I can see right through you."
"Yeah well if that day ever does come enjoy your snowball fight with Hitler and Napoleon."
Albert chuckled. "Hey what are we doing for Christmas this year?"
"Well seeing as how I'm banned from your parent's house indefinitely, due to that little skirmish last year."
"I don't care what my mother says, that was classic. Paris vs. Elizabeth, it was like a fucking celebrity death match."
"What can I say, drunken, dysfunctional family gatherings are a crowd pleaser. Unless it happens in your house. Ah your sister's a bitch and your mom has something up her ass anyway."
"Seriously what are we doing?"
"We were invited to go to the beach house in Fiji with Grandpere."
"Fiji huh? With Gustave?"
"Come on, surfing, sand, private beach complete with cabana boys." She sung the cabana boys part. "Grandpere will probably spend half the trip chasing his *lady friend* around."
"He is a randy old goat isn't he."
"He's still my grandfather, let's watch the language. Not to mention the scarring images that are now permanently ingrained in my head."
"Well you've twisted my arm luv, Fiji it is."
"Will Brian be joining us?" She smiled luridly at the thought of her cousin's boyfriend.
"Probably not, his presence is mandatory at family functions although they don't approve of his lifestyle so I am not welcome. We'll see him for New Years though."
"Alright."
"When do you leave to do the promos and junket for the finale?"
"I leave tomorrow afternoon, come back Thursday night. Then I leave for France the 19th, come back the 21st then leave for Fiji on the 23rd."
"See, by the time the month is over they'll be broken up you won't even have had to see her that much."
"I guess, but I still don't like her."
"Luv I'd hate to cut this call short but the telephone woke Brian up and he's torturing me."
"Alright. What's the world coming to when my gay British cousin is getting more action than me?" She asked chuckling.
"Hey ducks we're here we're queer get used to it." He retorted teasingly.
"I am used to it, I embrace it, I love you for it, I've marched with you for it, I'm just commenting on the irony. Night Albie."
"Night Pairs."
----The Conan O'Brien show four days later----
"Alright you all know our next guest from the popular WB series Byrds of Paradise. She plays Meagan Byrd. Please give a warm welcome to Paris Stratford." Audience claps and cheers for her.
Paris walks out on stage and meets Conan and sits. Audience is still cheering and clapping.
"Alright you heathen's let the lady talk."
"You're hot." Someone screamed.
Paris laughs. "Thank you whoever that was."
"Well now that we have that cleared up. For all who have just tuned in or have been living under a rock for the last four years Paris is in fact hot."
"Thank you Conan."
"Alright now your show, Byrds of Paradise is having it's series finale this week."
"Yes it is. We've had a great run but it's time to move on."
"Speaking of moving on you've moved."
"Yes I did."
"Now, this may strike some people as funny but Paris where did you move to?" Conan asked mischievously.
"I get the feeling that I'm about to be mocked in a moment. But yes I have left Los Angeles and am having a house built in Kansas."
"Kansas. Who would have thought a city girl would move out to the country. Gone to any ho'downs?"
"No it's not like that. I'm only about an hour away from Metropolis."
"I'm still trying to understand this. You are from New York city. You moved to L.A. and now Kansas. It's hard to fathom."
"But I didn't spend that much time in L.A. anyway. When we weren't taping I was usually on location somewhere. Now that I'm not taping there anymore it doesn't really matter."
"But they have cows there." He aid exasperated
She chuckled. "Yes they do have cows, and if I come across one in the road I'll drive around it but it's not like I moved to Amish country. It's a very nice, quiet town."
"But your house isn't finished yet am I right?"
"Yes you are correct about that."
"So where may I ask are you living?"
"No you may not ask that." She answered smiling.
"Ooh I smell a challenge. Stratford thinks she can out do the Conan. So Paris who are you living with, in sin?"
"We are not living in sin. And again you aren't getting any answers from me."
"Fine, fine. She's no fun folks. Here's an interesting story I heard. Did you get arrested for smoking in Amsterdam?"
She laughed at Conan. "NO we did not get arrested for smoking in Amsterdam, came close but no. The hotel did call the cops though."
"But it's Amsterdam I mean did you burn down the hotel or something."
"No nothing like that. A group us were there doing the junket and promo for Formula 51."
Audience cheers.
"I see when you're doing a drug movie you make a special stop in Amsterdam. It all makes sense."
Paris nods and laughs. "Exactly. Right now my publicist is shaking her head saying 'No don't follow him down the rabbit hole.' Anyway we're in Amsterdam and we somehow met up with Denis Leary and Dave Attel."
Conan laughs. "Oh this story just got ten times better."
"I know. So we met up with those two and after the junket and the press core left we were all sitting around in the conference room. There had to be like 10 or 15 people just having a few drinks relaxing. And the hotel manager comes knocking on the door. So we let him in. And a handful of us were smoking and I don't even smoke most of the time but you know it goes with the drinking. Anyway he comes in and very sternly tells us that we can't smoke in the hotel. And Sam Jackson points out that there were ashtrays in the room when we got there. And the manager says although they provide the ashtrays but you must request permission to use them."
"What?" Conan asked laughing.
"Exactly it's absurd. Dave and Dennis were just sitting there doing a slow burn waiting to unload on this guy. And I was thinking, okay they let Ashton Kutcher out of the country we're being punked this is nuts. So I decided that this was crap and I had to say something so I said 'you mean to tell me that in Amsterdam the city that is best known for the phrase smoke it if you can roll it you need to ask permission to smoke a cigarette."
More ruckus cheering from the audience. "Yeah Amsterdam. Woohoo!"
Conan laughing. "Well what'd he say?"
"He looked at me very seriously and said 'miss we do not endorse that phrase.' Even though you can buy a bumper sticker with that exact phrase in their gift shop."
More laughter.
"Oh my god, that's terrible, so where do the cops come in?"
"Okay. So Dennis is sitting there fuming and as everyone knows Dennis is not the epitome of diplomacy and tact."
"No definitely not. Dennis is the exact opposite of that. Dennis is the love child of George Carlin and Roseanne, his temperament is that bad."
Paris laughing. "Exactly. So Dennis stands up and blows smoke right in the guys face, I'm sitting there going 'oh shit Dennis stop I don't want to go to jail tonight.' Dave leans over and says 'oh don't worry sweetie you won't make it past booking with that ass.'"
Laughter.
"That must have been comforting."
"Right, Dave is not the person you want to get arrested with, he would have too much fun in jail. So we're sitting there waiting for Dennis to hit the guy and he says 'you mean to tell me that I can go out and legally buy a prostitute and weed in the same store, come back here screw her on that table and smoke up, but I can't smoke a damn cigarette.'"
"Oh my god." Conan laughing.
"I know. So Dave stands up and says damn I need a cigarette just listening to that and lights up. So the guy calls the cops and tells them the story. Thank God for lawyers. Instead of arresting the lot of us we had to pay a fine, $3,000 per cigarette."
"Well how much was the fine?"
"$90,000."
Conan laughs. "Are you serious?"
"Honest, they counted every butt in the ashtrays, and like I'll have one or two max but Dave and Dennis smoke like a pack at a time each. It got so bad, because everyone didn't want to pay for what they didn't smoke we had to divide them into piles by brand and person. So while I paid $6,000 Dennis paid $30,000."
"Dear lord that's a lot of money. So did anyone ever explain the point of the law?"
"Apparently in the Netherlands each establishment sets it's own rules of conduct about smoking, and we just didn't know that about our hotel."
"That is so weird. Alright Paris it is always a pleasure, Thursday night the WB, Byrds of Paradise watch it."
A/N: I know this chapter didn't do much but I just wanted a silly Paris centered chapter. The next one is good though.
