Lexie sat in the hard plastic chair and stared at all of the faces that surrounded her. Group, that was what it was called but to her it seemed a nicely phrased name for a crowd of nutcases. Crazy, she was crazy and even though her husband and her doctor and everyone else around her told her that she wasn't the mere fact that she now had a label made her feel like one of the bottom feeders of the world. She had looked at her chart, an action completely forbidden by the keepers of her freedom, but as a doctor she was curious as to what they were writing about her. Borderline Personality Disorder was the official term they had used, but Lexie knew what it meant, crazy. "You will get better." "They can help you" "The first step is accepting help" What the fuck ever she thought to herself each time one of these assurances were expressed by people without a disorder, people who could walk out of the psycho ward and go on with their normal lives. William had gotten better and was about to be released from the hospital and he would go home without his mother. They wanted to keep her there for a month, to get her on a meds regimen and watch her progress. How in the hell was she supposed to face them all again? Everyone in the hospital knew and she was expected to go back and work as if nothing had happened. Yeah right. She would forever be labeled "crazy".
"Lexie, do you want to share?" the shrink asked and she just stared at him.
"Not really." She responded with a monotone to her voice.
"Why don't you start by telling us why you are here?" He said and sat back with a smile.
"Ok, I am here because I was falling apart." She crossed her arms and stared at him.
"Why do you think that happened?" He pushed
She shrugged. "My newborn was sick and it all seemed to envelope me. I couldn't stand the thought of him dying."
"That is understandable. Were you having problems coping before?"
She looked at him suspiciously. "I guess so."
He nodded. "Care to elaborate on that?"
She was silent for a second. "I haven't always had the easiest life. Growing up with money, people always just assume that you have no problems, no worries, but I grew up alone and left to care for my younger brother. Our parents shut down when my older brother died and so it was just John and I."
He nodded. "Go on."
She took a deep breath. "I think that we go through life with a dream of how our perfect life would be. We are sure that all of our problems will just go away when and if we get everything we have ever dreamed of but then in the off chance that we do get it, we feel lost. Like it isn't aloud to happen that way. We aren't aloud to feel genuine happiness without a price. So we sabotage it, we do things that we know subconsciously will ruin everything we have fought for so that we are in control. We can control when we get hurt. We can be prepared for it and it won't hurt as much."
"Is that what you were doing?"
"Maybe, but it wouldn't work. He was too strong and loved me too much to let me go."
"So do you think that it is possible that maybe you are aloud to be happy this once?"
She laughed. "I don't know. I would like to think so, I really would. He is my whole world and the thought of losing him scares me to the very core. He is the one thing, the one person that I couldn't get over."
The doctor smiled. "Lexie, it sounds to me like you may not ever have to."
"Doc, when you have been kicked in the heart over and over it is hard to believe that you are aloud to be loved. You can hear a million compliments but the one negative criticism is always easier to believe." She gave a small smile.
"But he hasn't left, you have tested him over and over and he hasn't left?"
Lexie shook her head. "Nope, he hasn't left." She smiled to herself.
"I think that is good for today. Lexie you did great." He smiled at her and she nodded.
