Author's Note Hare: Excellent! Blanca has fallen right into our trap. Now w…
"Wait a second!" Plot Hare broke in. "The trap idea didn't quite work. He, uh… saw through it. For the sake of accuracy, let's just say we kidnapped him."
Author's Note Hare: Fine, fine. We successfully kidnapped Blanca. Now we have complete control over his destiny, and can force him to be the main character in our story.
"Well, not complete control," Plot Hare said. "We have to give him a bit of freedom; otherwise the story will seem less realistic."
Author's Note Hare: Alright, already! We have complete control, should we choose to exercise it, which we won't for the sake of realism. Good enough?
"I can live with that," Plot Hare said.
Author's Note Hare: Alright, now on to the story. It's…
"Hey!" Style Hare snapped. "I'm not letting you 'forget' about it this chapter! You have to do dedications and the disclaimer."
Author's Note Hare: Oh, come on! Dedications are silly and a disclaimer gives away credit!
"Too bad," Style Hare said. "Dedications are just done, and the disclaimer is for legal purposes."
Author's Note Hare: Ach! Fine. Here you go:
This fic is dedicated to… (come on, think)… the Jackalope!
"The what?" Style Hare said.
Author's Note Hare: The Jackalope. You know, that half-hare half-antelope creature that annoys humans.
"Oh, right," Style Hare said. "But, I'm pretty sure it's half-jack rabbit. Where do you think the 'Jack' comes from?" Style Hare looked around in a panic. "From where do you think the 'Jack' comes from? Phew, almost ended a sentence in a preposition there. That is something up with which I will not put!"
Author's Note Hare: Ignoring your anal attitude toward grammar, you're probably right about the Jackalope. But! We control this universe, and I say it's half-hare. So there.
"Disclaimer."
Author's Note Hare: Fine, fine. Certain characters in this story (such as Blanca) are technically the property of Midway. But we've commandeered them for our own purposes. And if they complain, we'll just change the names and pretend it's original. So nyeh!
"I'm satisfied," said Style Hare.
Author's Note Hare: Now, I can get on to the story. Any objections? No? Good. Don't over-think the title of this chapter. It'll make sense come Chapter 3. Promise.
Chapter 2 – Into
"Okay…" Blanca said as he looked around. "Shouldn't something more drastic have happened?"
"What do you mean?" the Plot Hare said. After Blanca had landed, he'd found the Plot Hare to be standing right next to where he landed.
"I mean all that happened was that I appeared to fall through the ground then land back on the ground right where I was standing before. And you don't appear to have moved from that spot."
"Well, I admit, we weren't very creative with your starting point," the Plot Hare said. "But, you should find that beyond this forest, the world is completely… er, mostly… well, partially different."
"Are you unimaginative or just lazy?"
"We feel that 'If it ain't broke, don't reinvent the wheel.' So, we don't feel it's necessary to recreate the world."
"Right." Blanca deadpanned. "That reminds me: I was about to get rid of a major annoyance when I fell through that 'trap' of yours."
"Uh, heh heh heh…" the Plot Hare said as he backed away. "Um, I don't think you want to do that…"
"And why not?" Blanca said as he matched the Plot Hare's pace.
"I'm the only one who can tell you what you're supposed to do if you want to get out of this world."
Blanca grunted and stopped. "Fine, I'll let you live if you tell me how I can get out."
"Phew." The Plot Hare stopped in his retreat. "Basically, you just have to let us record your quest."
"My quest?"
"Your quest to find the Maguffin."
"And what's that?" Blanca asked.
"It's the point of your quest," the Plot Hare said.
"You told me that!" Blanca said. "But, why is it the point of my quest?"
"Because it's the Maguffin!"
"But, what's a Maguffin?"
"The point of a quest!"
Blanca growled. "Has anyone ever said that talking to you is like chasing your own tail?"
"All the time," the Plot Hare said, tilting his head in contemplation. "Why is that?"
"Well, it requires a lot of effort and you never get anywhere."
"But, what does that have to do with chasing your own tail?"
"It requires a lot of effort and you never get anywhere," Blanca said.
"Then why are you talking to me?" The Plot Hare said.
"You got me there," Blanca said. "I guess eating you would be less painful."
The Plot Hare started sputtering at this. Eventually, as the random noises were starting to become even more painful to Blanca than his attempts at conversation, the Plot Hare paid him the questionable courtesy of phasing out of existence. It was "questionable" in that although Blanca was free of an annoyance, but he was left with no clue as to what he was supposed to do next.
He finally settled on heading in the direction that, if this were the real world, would have taken him back to his home in Mukyo-An. He had no idea if it would lead him there, or even if it was where he was supposed to go, but given the way this jaunt had turned out so far, he would most likely be ambushed by that Plot Hare again if he wasn't going the right way.
It was after only a few steps that he spotted the first discrepancy between this world and the real one. Off to the side of the path, Blanca spotted an odd, silver structure partially obscured in the forest. As he approached, it resolved into a steel cube, approximately three meters to a side. On the side nearest him was a circular indentation, but aside from that the structure appeared perfectly smooth.
"What is this?" Blanca wondered out loud.
"An impenetrable garden," a voice said out of nowhere.
Blanca looked around for the source of the voice, but saw nothing. "Am I going crazy?" he wondered again.
"No, believe it or not, this time it's the world that's gone crazy."
"Well, I can't argue with that," Blanca said to the particular no one who was addressing him.
"Come inside, we'll talk," the voice said. The circular indentation Blanca had noticed irised open, revealing a small chamber within.
Blanca briefly considered walking away like nothing had happened, but he then realized that this was the most reasonable thing he'd heard since he'd run into the Plot Hare. He walked into the chamber. The door behind him closed, and another opened in front of him. The door led to the main chamber of the structure. On the ground was a plot of dirt with a few sprouts. The ceiling was made of glass to let in sunlight.
"I've come here in the guise of an impenetrable garden," the voice said. "The Hares have been denying my existence for centuries."
"…Right," Blanca said. "And why have you come here?"
"I'm here to help you get out of this place, and in the process stop the Hares once and for all."
This was the most promising thing Blanca had yet heard. As he reflected on this, he realized exactly how pathetic this was: a talking garden was the voice of reason. "Fine, you've got my attention."
"Alright. I'm not actually a garden."
"No," Blanca said sarcastically.
"Yes. I am the author known as 'Leebot.' The Hares have started to invade this planet, starting with its literature. This is their first invasion."
"Not much for fourth walls, are they?"
"No. The fourth wall is long since demolished. Right now, it's all we can do to hold up the third wall."
"…Right."
"Anyways," the voice—Leebot—said. "It seems they took a bunch of other authors hostage, and are forcing me to let them use my account to host their story. In order to keep their actions secret, they experimented on the human memory, and came up with a procedure which was intended to wipe my memories of our sessions. Unfortunately for them… I'm not human."
Leebot stopped, obviously expecting some reply. After a lengthy pause, Blanca said, "Okay."
"What, you're not shocked? Come on! I just revealed that I'm not human. That's gotta be worth something!"
"Neither am I," Blanca pointed out.
"Right, well, how about this: I'm not from this planet."
Blanca rolled his eyes. "I'm in a talking garden. Do you really think much is going to shock me at this point?"
"Fine, fine. Continuing on: I'm from an organization dedicated to stopping the Hares. We intercepted their plans on this planet, and I was planted here to stop them. You see, the Hares are peculiar lifeforms; the only way to truly defeat them is from within one of their 'stories.' For this, I'll need your help."
"Not that I'm averse to teaching them a lesson," Blanca said. "But how do I know you're not part of their plan?"
"You'll find the Hares lack imagination. For instance, the goal of your quest is to find 'The Maguffin.' A 'Maguffin' is actually just a literary term for an object or person that is the focus of a quest, but serves no actual purpose in the plot. The Hares, rather than coming up with something that makes sense—a treasure of some sort, for instance—just called your goal 'The Maguffin.'"
"Wow! Now, that conversation with the Plot Hare almost makes sense," Blanca said.
"Just smile and nod, smile and nod. We've found it's the best way for the 'protagonists'—or, as we call them, abductees—to handle them. They never suspect a thing. But, anyway, the point is that with how little imagination the Hares have, there's no way they'd think up a talking garden. As I mentioned before, they don't even believe it could exist, so they mentally block out its existence."
"Alright," Blanca said. "There's just one thing that's bothering me: If they're so unimaginative and predictable, how are they such a threat?"
"Well, they're capable of interstellar travel naturally. Plus, they breed like terrestrial rabbits—and look a lot like them, too. We're still investigating the possible connection; it may give us clues to their origins. In addition to this, their preferred method of attack—insinuating themselves into literature—often fails to raise suspicion."
"Wait a second. You're saying this is a piece of literature?"
"Well, not good literature, but yes. I wouldn't worry too much over whether or not you're really real. We get into a lot of philosophical discussions about the nature of reality in the break room, and it essentially boils down to this: If something happens, you can write about, and this doesn't change the fact that it really happened. On the other hand, you can't write about something 'fictionally.' However, when you take into account the infinite possibilities the universe has to offer in conjunction with the strong anthropic principle, it's highly probable that this 'fiction' actually happened, or will happen, somewhere."
"Fine, fine, I won't obsess about that. Now, what do you want me to do?" Blanca asked.
"Execute them."
"'Execute?' As in 'kill'? Are you sure that isn't a bit harsh?"
"Come on, you were ready to eat that Plot Hare not half an hour ago! And let me tell you this: You'd be singing a different tune if you knew what they did to the residents of Carotene Beta."
"Okay, okay. Is that all?" Blanca said.
"Um, you mind waiting a few moments? This is my only chance to make real Author's Notes."
Blanca rolled his eyes. "Fine, just get on with it!"
Author's Note: Aha! A plot! I bet you didn't see a plot coming! This gives a whole new meaning to "self-insertion fic."
This fic is dedicated to Tiger5913, who was the one who urged me to write an SH fic. Be very careful what you wish for. Now look who's invading Earth!
To MikoNoNyte: Sanity's overrated. Let me pose this question to you: Does genius lead to insanity, or does insanity lead to genius?
Just to let you know, you may or may not see other SH characters here. I've got the next chapter pretty much laid out in my mind, and they won't be there. After that, we'll see what happens.
Coming up: More questions will be raised, and others will be brushed aside as being pointless comedy.
"Are you finished yet?" Blanca demanded.
Author's Note: Fine, fine. You can go.
