Goin' Steady

Naturally, when Kim started seeing Hugo Peabody, we were all on the edge of our seats waiting to see how it would go. I never have high hopes for relationships; have my parents given me any reason to? My mother, with her cover-up marriage to my alleged stepfather; my father and his swinging bachelor-pad lifestyle. They aren't exactly the best relationship role models. (I prefer to think of relationships as opportunities to express extreme passion – if it lasts, it lasts, but it never really does, so why not have a bit of fun while you're at it?) But for some reason, I've always had an especially large problem seeing Hugo and Kim together. Hugo is a nice guy and all, but he's a bit of a geek, not to mention that he's on the hopelessly, desperately (albeit sweetly) clingy side; whilst Kim is Sweet Apple Perfection embodied in one human being. We all expected her to go for Freddie or someone; one of the more wild and daring sorts of guys to satisfy her romanticism. But no, she picked Hugo Peabody, simpering, adolescent Hugo Peabody. This was going around for days and days, all of us watching them carefully, looking for signs of regression or progression in their relationship. And of course Kim was the first of us to hook a sort-of-kind-of-almost boyfriend-type person, even if it was Hugo Peabody.

The day we find out about Hugo's pinning Kim on the back of that glorious yellow school bus, the party line goes wild. I imagine it like a life support machine, wobbling up and down at a supersonic speed. The girls are ecstatic; the boys annoyed. All of us are belting our little hearts out – for some reason, whenever we hit the polar extreme of an emotion, we break out in song. It's an unnatural phenomenon that I would study did I not have plans for My Life As An NYC Beatnik. It's a ravishing summer afternoon, the sort of day that always makes me a bit cynical, and we're all plugged into our telephones, spreading the word.

Hi Nancy!

Hi Helen!

What's the story, morning glory?

What's the tale, nightingale?

Did you hear about Hugo and Kim?

I'm recording a new poem in my journal when the telephones start to jingle. I'm stricken with writer's block this afternoon – for once, the manic telephone conversation is a welcome distraction.

Hi Margie!

Hi Alice!

What's the story, morning glory?

What's the word, hummingbird?

Have you heard about Hugo and Kim?

Did they really get pinned?

Did she kiss him and cry?

Did he pin the pin on,

Or was he too shy?

Well, I heard they got pinned. Yeah, yeah.

I was hopin' they would.Uh-huh.

Now they're livin' at last,He's gone...

Goin' steady for-

Now, the party line is an odd thing. We're all listening to each others' private conversations, never mind they're all on the same topic. And poor Harvey Johnson – nice guy, not bad looking past the glasses and hair problem, but nerdier and even more desperate than Hugo. He's really jumping on top of the whole goin' steady idea, I see – I can just imagine him up in his bedroom with the phone book open, calling girls systematically.

Hello Mr. Henkel, this is Harvey Johnson. Can I speak to Penelope-Ann?

Is it true about Kim?Penelope?

I just knew it somehow!About the prom...

I must call her right up- Saturday?

I can't talk to you now!

We get caught up in the moment, us teenage girls. I can see it in my head, all laid out like a cheesy movie-musical: the screen all split up into odd shapes to accommodate us as we exist in our bedrooms, contorted and be-bopping in all manner of bizarre poses.

Goin' steady!You know it, man!

Goin' steady!It's crazy, man!

Goin' steady!You know it –

And then I do a stupid thing. Sweet Apple Suzie leaves her watchpost for a minute to get a bottle of Coca-Cola, and Real Suzie steps out into the open air, proclaiming her slightly contemptuous opinion for all the kids to hear. Sweet Apple Suzie promptly runs back to her watchpost, covering Real Suzie's pessimism with a remark full of patented Sweet Apple-brand shallowness.

It won't last!

Not at all!

He's too thin,

She's too tall.

I can just see the girls giving me the funniest looks – "She's too tall"? Kim doesn't hit five foot six on her tiptoes. Oh, if only I'd gone with my first impulse – replacing "not at all" with "not a prayer", and "he's too thin, she's too tall" with "she's too cool, he's too square". At least that actually makes sense. Hugo is desperately square. He wears a sweatervest, for goodness' sake.

Hello Mr. Miller, this is Harvey Johnson. Can I speak to Deborah Sue?

Hiya Hugo, hiya stupid.

Whaddya wanna go get pinned for?

Kim's steady he may be, but the other guys can be really harsh on Hugo. They're probably only angry because he's gone and gotten a girlfriend before they have. Then again, guys tease each other and it doesn't mean a darned thing. I'll never understand it.

Well I heard they got pinned.Hey, ya meathead!

I was hopin' they would!Lost your marbles?

Now they're livin' at last -Are ya nutty?

Goin' steady for...

Sometimes, when we all start singing, I try to see how bright and obnoxious I can get my voice to sound. Just to see if anybody notices. This is one of those times. I think my smile's frozen on my face!

Hello Mrs. Garfein, is Charity home from school yet?

Well I heard they got pinned!Goin' steady!She saw him.

I was hopin' they would!Goin' steady!She dug him.

Now they're livin' at last...Goin' steady!She nailed him!

Goin' steady for good!

My, but these impromptu lyrics are creative. I do believe that my teddy bear could come up with more inventive songs. Over and over again... can you see why I try to occupy myself with little diversions such as singing especially bright?

If ya gotta go, that's the way to go!

When they got you hooked,

Then you're really cooked.

Whatcha gonna do?

Whatcha gonna do?

Well, let's see. I think I'm going to go fill my pockets with stones like Virginia Woolf and go for a nice little wade in the river. The Sweet Apple monotony is driving me insane.

Well I heard they got pinned.Oh man!

I was thinkin' they would!Oh man!

Now they're livin' at lastOh man!

Goin' steady for good!

Goin' steady! Goin' steady!

Goin' steady, steady for good.

Goin' steady! Goin' steady!

Goin' steady, steady for good.

Dear lord. If I ever get a steady (not likely – my sensuous beatnik boys usually fear commitment, and like me, wish to live in the moment) I'm going to call the girls and beg them not to sing about it. I'm getting sick of those two words...

He's in love with Kim, Kim's in love with him!

We-ell well, doo-oo-oo tell.

We-ell well, doo-oo-oo tell.

That's the way it should be!Oh yeah!

They'll be happy I know!Oh yeah.

Goin' steady's for me.Oh yeah.

That's the way it should go!

As usual, I beg to differ. Goin' steady is not the way it should go. Quite the opposite really. Goin' steady can be so constricting. It's a terrible thing, really. Bad feelings all around.

Goin' steady!Goin' steady!

Goin' steady!Goin' steady!

Steady for good!

Goin' steady!

Goin' steady!Goin' steady!

Goin' steady-

Ohhhhhhhhh….. yeah!