A/N: *watches as week flies by* Okay, so I lied. I was out of town Saturday and Sunday, and then I was grounded on Monday, and so it took two days to write this chapter. But hey, it's here. So I present you with a longer chapter writer's-block rambling (I really, really, reeeelly hope). I read your reviews, which contained varied responses to the introduction of romance *casts Vanishing Charm on Black-knight's vomit* and I would just like to point out that hey, this is *clears throat and points of genre* a romance. *begins next segment, freezes when she realizes her sister is playing Sugar Beats, runs and shuts the abomination of "Lean On Me," stops talking like a Yuuzhan Vong, and returns to mystified readers* That being said (see sentence previous), I decided to leave this chapter as it was when I first wrote it, but I will assure you that the plot will continue to move, too, and the romance shouldn't be too overly consuming. I hope. :-)
Disclaimer: t'ain't mine, professor, I swear it!
Chapter 6
Fowl Manor
Butler returned to the sitting room where Artemis still sat. Mulch opted not to follow, claiming hunger. He found his charge sitting on the couch with a puzzled look on his face.
"Butler," Artemis began without preamble, "have you ever been in love?"
Butler started. "What makes you ask that?" he asked cautiously.
"Please, answer my question. I'll answer yours momentarily."
"All right." He peered at the teenager. "Are you all right? You looked slightly flushed." That really wasn't saying much, considering Artemis's usual skin color, but there was something different….
"The question, Butler."
"Yes," Butler said. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." Artemis smiled briefly. "Quite fine. What was her name?"
"Efrata. I met her while training in Israel. She lived in Jerusalem. Once a year, Madame Ko allowed us to venture into the city. I met her in the market. She sold cloth."
Artemis nodded. "'Distinguished, honored.' Nice name. What happened?"
Butler frowned. "She was a Jewish market girl and I was a world-class bodyguard. I visited her during the summer, and we had fun—she was a remarkable girl—but we both knew nothing would happen. After I received my blue diamond, I returned as often as I could—then, of course, you were born, and I had to come to Ireland."
"Does that upset you?"
Shrugging, he countered, "Why do you ask?" He hadn't thought of Efrata in years.
"I was wondering," Artemis said, "if it was possible for people such as you—a world class bodyguard—and I—a criminal genius—to fall in love. I suppose it is."
"This doesn't have to do with Holly, does it?"
The vampire smile started to rise, but softened and turned into a genuine look Butler had never seen on the boy's face. "It might," he said.
"Well, please try to remember that you're only fifteen. You have three years before you need to start worrying about marriage."
Artemis started. "Marriage? Butler, please remember she is eighty years old and a fairy. I doubt it will come to that."
He reined in a sigh. "Artemis, you think in adult terms, you are more mature than most adults, and therefore it stands to reason that you would view a relationship in an adult way—that is, in terms of looking for a suitable companion. It reassures me, what you just said, but please—be careful. I would hate to have to protect you against Root and Holly's mother."
"I understand," Artemis said. "Don't worry. It's just a harmless infatuation."
***
Holly and Juliet went down to dinner in almost matching jumpsuits (Holly's was green while Juliet's was blue), giggling and comparing nail polish colors. It was all a part of Holly's sudden interest in feminism, which Juliet supported if not understood. Artemis watched them come down the stairs along with Mulch, while Butler continued to put the finishing touches on Mulch's…sandwich.
"Lovely, ladies, really lovely, or at least I would think so if you weren't two feet taller than me," Mulch said, bowing to each one. Artemis settled on a simple nod and offered Juliet his arm, smirking at Holly's raised eyebrows.
"Pray tell," Juliet said, "what hath my dearest brother prepared for us to dine upon?"
"End-of-sentence preposition." Artemis sighed. "That's incorrect, Juliet."
"What's for dinner?" she repeated.
"Sandwiches. And caviar."
"How can you stand to eat that stuff?" Holly said, shuddering and ignoring Mulch's half-hearted outstretched arm. "You're destroying the fish population."
"Funny," Artemis said, "it's rather slimy. Sounds like something you'd eat."
"Just because Foaly eats beetle juice doesn't mean I do," she snapped as the entered the kitchen, where Butler had set the "table" on the island in the middle. Holly hopped onto her stool which, Artemis noted, was directly across from his. He lifted an eyebrow at Butler, who returned it with a blank stare. You just couldn't beat his poker face.
"So," Mulch said, "why are we talking to Root again tonight?"
"Because we still have to deal with dearest Opal Koboi," Holly said. "And Root doesn't want Fowl and the Butlers involved, and I do."
"And why is that?"
"Because she's after Artemis and Butler, and all three of them together make a rather formidable team."
"And you think Artemis has pretty eyes," Butler said very, very quietly.
Artemis retaliated before Holly had a chance to close her mouth, attempting the very childish revenge of kicking the offender before his brain caught up and berated him for doing something so stupid. Especially when he connected with Holly's shin instead of Butler's knee.
"Ow!"
"What'd you say, Dom?" asked Juliet, who was sitting at the other end of the island. Mulch, who squeezed in next to Artemis, had heard and was laughing into his sandwich.
"Sorry," Artemis apologized. "I was—um."
Holly reached across the table, grabbed him by the collar, and hoisted him up, meeting him halfway across the table, hazel eyes staring him down challengingly. "You were what?"
Throat suddenly dry, Artemis said faintly, "What are you doing?"
"That's what I asked you. Answer me, Fowl!"
Juliet giggled. "I was aiming for Butler. I apologize for any bodily harm I might have caused you," Artemis said, striving to keep his voice in one octave.
Holly nodded, never leaving his eyes. "All right. Apology accepted." She loosened her grip on his shirt.
Butler walked by and lightly shoved Artemis in the back with his elbow. "Oops."
For the second time in a single day—in less than twelve hours—Artemis found himself kissing Holly. This was rather awkward, as he was in front of Juliet and Mulch, and his stomach was protesting its contact with the sharp edge of the island. He closed his eyes and attempted to kiss her properly, considering the circumstances. Her return was equally strained, but it still made his stomach flutter. He broke it off, knowing if he didn't it would look even worse than it did already.
He sat down on his stool and straightened his shirt collar. "I don't have to take this kind of abuse," he said, not looking at anyone, but instead a point directly beyond Holly's crimson ear. He got off the stool as dignified as possible and left the room, heading straight up the stairs for his bedroom.
"You don't have to take abuse?" Holly hollered after him. "Come back here!" He heard the patter of feet behind him as he went up the stairs.
Back in the kitchen, Juliet looked at her brother, who shrugged. "It was bound to happen sooner or later." She nodded in response.
Artemis shut the door to his room and ran a hand through his hair, looking at himself in the mirror. He ran a comb through it, then ran into the attached bathroom and rinsed his mouth with Listerine. Okay, so he technically avoided any conversations that involved relationships, but he wasn't totally ignorant.
Just as he finished and reentered his bedroom there was a knock at his door. He smiled inwardly; at least his sense of impeccable timing was still there. "Artemis? It's me."
He opened the door just enough for Holly to enter, then shut it. "Would you rather me lock it?"
She looked at him out of the corner of her eyes. "You know, Mr. Fowl, if I didn't know better, I would think you were suggesting something. Go ahead. I don't want your parents getting ideas."
He raised an eyebrow as he entered the lock combination into the keypad by the door. "Why, Miss Short, if I didn't know better, I would think you were asking for something."
He felt silly—if he ever felt silly—saying it, and she seemed to sense it, smiling at him in a knowing manner and stepping closer, tilting her head up. "If flirting like this makes you uncomfortable, we could just skip that part."
"Wouldn't that seem a bit…" he paused, searching for the word in her eyes, "well…using? Like I wanted nothing from you than what you had to offer me, without giving you anything in return?"
She inhaled sharply, a crease appearing between her eyebrows. "That's so very…considerate of you." Languidly she put her arms around his neck. "But right now…I don't particularly care."
"I don't want you to feel like I'm treating you like a—"
"Artemis."
"Yes?"
"Shut up and kiss me."
This he did, slowly, trying to seem confident when really he had know idea what he was doing. He felt her smile, a rather startling sensation, and she took over, helping him. How long they stood against the door, he didn't know, but abruptly she stopped and said, "Maybe we should talk."
"That doesn't sound good at all," he said, following her as she perched on his desk. He safely chose to sit in his chair on the other side of the desk.
"Oh, don't be worried," she said. "Nothing like I think you're hideous and we should break up."
"Are we dating?" he asked.
She sighed. "That's what I mean. Maybe we should…define the parameters of our relationship before we decide to do anything else."
"So let's start there. Are we dating? I was under the impression that two people had to actually go on a date before they could be considered dating."
"Artemis. You just spent at least ten minutes kissing me. If you're going to say we're not dating, you might as well say 'I'm using you.'"
"Ah. Well. That answers that question."
She tilted her head. "You're so cute when you allow yourself to show emotion."
"What?" he asked, distracted from recent memories he had been reviewing.
Holly laughed. "But I suppose your stoic disposition is something I'll have to get used to?"
"I'm stoic when the occasion calls for it," he replied. "Right now, the situation doesn't call for it. If I were to act completely emotionless, you'd be angry with me. Am I correct in my belief?"
"Yes."
"And your law-enforcement disposition is something I'll have to get used to, correct?" he continued.
"Law-enforcement disposition? Is that what you think of me?"
She laughed when she said it, but he felt a test coming on. "I don't know what I think of you. To label you would be to limit you, and I don't want to do that. I'd rather discover each part of your personality through being with you."
Holly's eyebrows raised into her hairline, her eyes wide with, he was surprised to see, tears. Shock was all over her face. Abruptly she dropped her gaze. "How do you do that?"
"What?" he asked, mystified. "Are you all right?"
"Say something so completely considerate and so completely wonderful." She sighed, staring at him. "Don't stop."
"I don't know what I'm doing."
"Well, then, do stop, because if you don't, I might be tempted to say I love you."
Artemis started. "Butler warned me against that. Perhaps you should continue talking, so you don't get that into your mind. That's the last thing we need. And I'm only fifteen."
"What have you been doing for the past year and a half?" she said, switching the subject.
He turned around to his computer, which sprawled behind his desk. "Shutting down various illegal companies. Like this one." He opened his latest file. "It's called FeatherSoft Soap. It's a soap company based in Russia that uses illegal whale blubber to make the soap soft. I've tried to leach out its funding several times, yet whoever's in charge somehow manages to stay one step ahead of me." He watched a small popup run through combinations. "The security on these files is incredible."
Holly nodded. "We've had some dealings with them before. Foaly thinks a fairy's leaked technology to the humans. But that's Foaly being paranoid."
"It's possible. That would explain why I can't get it under control." He frowned. "I wonder if someone's baiting me."
"Now you're beginning to sound like Foaly," Holly said incredulously. "Is that just a technology geek thing?"
"Technology geek?"
"Paranoia."
He turned back around to stare at her. "Technology geek?"
She smiled sweetly. "Well, you know, it could be worse."
"Pray tell. Your insults are music to my ears."
As soon as the elf opened her mouth, however, she let out an enormous yawn. "Sorry. Let's see…it's been a couple of days since I've gotten a complete night's sleep. I think. I'm running on stim pills right now."
"Come here," Artemis answered, feeling a little reckless.
"Where?"
He raised an eyebrow at her and she swung her legs over the desk and sat on his lap. "Good. Now sleep."
She squirmed a little bit, settling herself, her head resting against his chest in a most pleasing way. "You all right?"
He smiled. "I'm fine."
"Okay. Thanks."
***
"Where ARE they?" Root yelled from the computer screen in the Fowl study. "It's eight oh five!"
"Yes, Commander, we heard you the first time," Mulch said. The Butlers and he had gathered in the study, hoping to distract Root and failing miserably.
"I don't know where Artemis is. As for Holly, she could be anywhere. Doesn't she have to do the Ritual or something?" Juliet said, grasping for straws.
"She shouldn't have to do it for another year or so, unless she has another major healing she's done," Foaly said. "Do you want me to trace her?"
"Doesn't she have to have her equipment to do that?"
"Well, if she's doing the Ritual or something like that, she would have her equipment with her, wouldn't she?" Root said.
Juliet looked at Butler, who shrugged. "Look, I'll see if I can find Artemis for you," she said finally. "You try to find Holly."
She got up and left the room, heading up another flight of stairs for the Fowl living quarters. She knocked on Artemis's door. "Arty?"
Nothing. Sighing, she twisted the doorknob. Locked. She pushed random pieces of the wall next to the door until one gave in and slid away, revealing a lit keyboard. She punched in the combination, hoping he hadn't changed it, and waited for the click. It came, and she opened the door.
"Artemis, what do you—oh." She stopped dead at the sight that greeted her: Holly, asleep on Artemis's lap, and Artemis asleep with his arms around her and head resting on hers. Juliet couldn't help a little sigh; it was so CUTE. She glanced around the room and found his digital camera and took a picture, then quietly crept back to the study door.
"Dom," she whispered. "Come here."
Butler obeyed, looking confused. "Root's about to have a coronary."
"What else is new? Look."
Butler took the camera and looked. "Oh."
"Isn't it adorable?" Juliet let out a happy sigh.
"Yes. Very cute. But, Julie, please remember Holly belongs to a different species."
"Are you trying to say we shouldn't encourage this?"
"I don't know. I think you should have woken them up."
"But Dom," she whined, "they looked so happy."
Butler sighed. "Fine. I'll wake them up—indirectly."
"Do what?"
"I'll start playing annoyingly romantic music." Butler grinned at her. "That ought to wake him up. Just because I'm not sure we should allow this to continue doesn't mean we can't have our fun."
Juliet giggled. "I'll stall Root." She went into the room and let Butler go do whatever he needed to do. Sure enough, Root was swelling like a toad preparing to rib-bit. It would probably be just as obnoxious, too.
"I found a note in his room," she lied, forestalling any comment. "He forgot something at school and went to retrieve it."
"What is he THINKING?" Root demanded. "The longer we dilly-dally the more time Koboi has to plan her takeover!"
Mulch, who was sitting on the floor, out of view of the cameras, tugged on Juliet's jumpsuit. She discreetly handed him the digital camera. He laughed.
"Don't ask me to comprehend the Almighty Genius Artemis," she snapped. "If he needs something, it's most likely important."
"Well, in the meantime, perhaps you'd like an Opal Update?" Foaly cut in, trotting over to stand next to Root.
"What'd you have?" Juliet asked.
"An email from an old classmate of hers, Ruby Ohmson, distant relative to Ohm Phlegm Pot Cleaner."
"Ew."
Foaly shrugged. "It's a necessary job."
"Ew."
"Anyway, she says Opal contacted her, asking for schematics on the latest LEP weaponry. Why, I don't know, as Ohmson is an interior decorator whose inventions include a new paint and appointment calendar. Anyway, she said Koboi was in America when she contacted Ohmson."
"Ruby Ohmson…haven't there been a couple of lawsuits against her or something?"
Foaly passed a stack of papers over to his commander. "Background check. And you're right. She keeps getting sued for supposedly stealing other people's inventions and gaining the patents for them."
"You think the inventors are telling the truth?" Juliet asked.
Foaly shrugged again. "Ruby did go to school with Opal, so I wouldn't rule her out being a suspicious character. And she didn't say whether or not she passed on the schematics. Of course, if she had them, she would be eligible for prison for stealing classified information."
"I've heard of her," Mulch volunteered, passing Juliet the camera. "Not pleasant things, either."
Butler returned and Juliet filled him in on what had happened. "Did you do it?"
"Backstreet Boys," he answered with a grin.
Juliet shuddered. "I forgot I still had those."
"What are you talking about?" Root demanded.
"Nothing." Butler sat down in the other chair. "What is the latest LEP weaponry?"
Root clamped a hand over Foaly's mouth. "It's classified information. We can't tell you." Suddenly he jerked his hand away from Foaly. "Did you just lick me, centaur?"
"It's a gun. A really big gun, that the Council wants to be called Mud Poison," Foaly said.
"You did lick me!"
"Mud Poison?" Butler said with a raised eyebrow.
Foaly shook his head. "Isn't it pathetic? But the Council wanted something direct. I wanted to call it the Sapien Blaster or the Sapien Sapien Cannon."
"I wasn't commenting on that. I was commenting on that it sounds very anti-human."
Foaly squirmed. "Well, yes, it is that."
"And why are you inventing something terribly anti-human?" Juliet asked. "Aren't we your friends?"
"Well, you are…" the centaur looked very uncomfortable, "but the majority of humans are…not our friends. Take Spiro."
"Spiro didn't know you existed," Butler said.
"I don't know, Foaly," Mulch said from the floor, "you're sounding pretty prejudiced to me. And think about it. Right now you're chasing after a fellow fairy. Yet here Artemis Fowl is offering to help you. Who's the bigger danger?"
"Where IS Fowl?" Root demanded, suddenly seeming to remember that the brains of the human operation was missing (which thankfully, for Foaly's sake, distracted him from the lingering remains of centaur saliva on his hand).
Butler and Juliet exchanged looks. Oh boy.
***
Holly awoke, feeling very rested, because she realized that the music in her dream had actually been playing in the real world. She frowned, listening to the words, trying to locate it. She glanced on Fowl's computer and saw the name: Head over Feet, by Alanis Morrisette. She smiled, listening to the words.
Then she remembered where she was and stiffened. Twisting slightly, she looked at Artemis and smiled again. He looked so young, asleep like that. She reached out and touched his cheek.
He stirred. "Artemis," she said softly, "wake up."
He opened his eyes, blinked, looked down at her. "Hello."
"Hi," she
said. "Listen, it's," she glanced at
the computer and gasped, "EIGHT FORTY-FIVE!"
"Wasn't there somewhere we
were supposed to be at eight?" he asked sleepily, rubbing his face.
"Yes. A meeting with COMMANDER ROOT."
He sat upright. "I'm awake."
"We're in so much trouble," she whispered. "Oh, he's never going to let us live this down."
Artemis pinched the bridge of his nose, thinking. "Go on ahead. I'll—"
"Foaly," she groaned.
"What about him?"
"He—he knows you like me, and he's a bit suspicious."
Artemis regarded her levelly. "It's the truth, isn't it?"
"Well, yes, but—" Holly was finding it increasingly difficult to find the right words, with his eyes staring her down "—number one, you're a Mud Boy, which looks bad enough, and number two, you're public enemy number one, and that's—why are you laughing?"
"Holly," he said, "does all that really matter?"
"Well, yes…to some people…" she said lamely. Damn those eyes.
"To you?"
"Not really…Artemis, you're going to be the death of me!" she groaned, burying her face in the crook where his shoulder met his neck. He stiffened, then slowly relaxed, letting his arms pull her closer.
"I hope not," he said, squeezing her, then kissing the top of her head. "Now get up."
She obeyed. "What are you doing?"
He fiddled around with the computer, setting up what looked like a microphone and a camera, then typed something rapidly. A second later the screen split into three views, with Foaly, Root, and the Butlers and Mulch in each little box.
Holly waved into the camera. "Hello, all!"
"There you are," Foaly said, looking from one face to another with his eyebrows raised.
"Did you get what you were looking for, Fowl?" Root barked.
Holly suddenly realized the connotations of this and ducked out of view, bent over laughing. "I believe so," Artemis said, glancing over at Holly questioningly.
"Later," she hissed, waving him off with one hand, the other crammed into her mouth.
"Where are you?" Foaly asked. "It looks suspiciously like a bedroom."
"It's mine," Artemis said with a completely blank face as Holly whirled around to stare at him. "Captain Short came to retrieve me and we were already late, so I set up a station from here."
"Whatever," Root said. "Look, will someone fill Fowl in?"
Juliet obliged.
"I've got Ohmson," Foaly cut in.
"Where is she?" Artemis asked, his face closing in something Holly recognized as his "genius is thinking" look.
"Haven," Foaly answered. "I can have her brought in here, if you want."
"Do," Artemis said.
"What're you thinking?" Holly asked.
"Anagrams," he answered.
"She'll be here soon," Foaly said. "Until then…"
"Let's see," the voice of Mulch drifted through the speakers, "we could discuss whether or not Fowl and Co. will be assisting the LEP while they attempt to take down Opal Koboi. Or…well, I can't really think of anything else of any importance."
"Well, convict," Root spat back, "for once you've had a decent idea. Fowl, what do you want in exchange for staying out of this?"
Artemis raised an eyebrow. "No attempts to reason with my human good?"
"Are you trying to say you have human good, Fowl? Or that there is such thing?"
Holly opened her mouth, thought better of it, but was still seen by Foaly. "What, Captain?"
She ran her tongue along her bottom lip, thinking of something smart to reply. "I was just…yawning."
"But weren't you just asleep?" Juliet said, smiling evilly.
Holly opened her mouth to reply again when suddenly music broke through from Artemis's speakers. "'All you need is love (A girl's got to eat)…'"
"Juliet," Artemis said with a groan.
The blonde had a look of pure ecstasy on her face. "Oh, Artemis, it's Moulin Rouge. You can't turn it off!"
"Moulin Rouge? I saw that," Foaly said.
Root gave him a long Look. " You're going to make a comment about how you pour millions into his budget and all he does is watch Mud Men movies," Holly and Artemis said, looking at each other in surprise.
Root closed his mouth. "Not necessarily."
"That was scary," Foaly volunteered.
"To say the least," Mulch agreed.
"What's scary? That strange chiming in unison?" Juliet said innocently.
"Not a word," Artemis warned.
"About what?" Foaly said in the same tone as Juliet.
"Nothing," Holly added, just as firmly.
A ding forestalled the increasingly writer's-block-sounding conversation. Foaly glanced away from the camera. "Ohmson's here."
"Bring her into one of those monitoring rooms. I'll go talk to her, and you can watch," Root instructed, getting up and disappearing.
"Routing through to your screens…" Foaly said, clicking and clacking with the keyboard.
"Could you get that on record?" Holly murmured absently to Artemis, stepping closer once Root left.
"What?" he asked.
"That clicking and clacking." She giggled, totally lost as to where she was going with the random conversation thread she had picked. "It could be, like, the newest music revolution."
Artemis regarded her, glancing at the screen out of the corner of his eye. "Juliet, what have you done to her?"
"Nothing?"
Holly giggled again. "You have gorgeous eyes."
He started and turned to stare at her, a bewildered yet pleased smile on his face. "Thank you. Foaly, are there any side affects to whatever you gave her to make her tall?"
"No idea. Hasn't been tested before. Shouldn't be." The centaur glanced up and jumped. "Holly?" he asked.
Holly was back on Artemis's lap, settling against him, into his almost involuntary embrace. He reached up and turned the camera away. "Hey there, you two," Butler said, "we can still hear you."
She felt the heat of his blush and giggled. "I'm sleepy," she announced.
"Then go to sleep," he told her. "Butler, I don't appreciate the lewd comments."
"Yes, sir. Maybe she's just sleeping it off."
Holly had a vague idea that maybe they were talking about her, but hey, Artemis was warm and comfortable, and he had told her to sleep…
"Root's going in there, can you see?" Foaly said distantly.
"Yes…."
***
Artemis looked down at Holly's soundly sleeping form and sighed. "She's heavy when she's asleep," he announced to no one in particular.
"Careful, Root can still hear you," Foaly warned.
"Don't ever call her heavy," Juliet advised. "It won't end well."
"Understood."
"What are you babbling on about?" Root's quiet voice still managed to sound like it was yelling.
"Nothing, sir."
"Right." Root suddenly entered the same room as a pixie. The female had black hair (highlighted with red), red fingernails, impossibly red lips, red cheeks, and wore a one piece, red leather (or so it looked) jumpsuit.
"Picks a theme and sticks with it, doesn't she?" Mulch commented.
"Hello, Miss…Ohmson?" Root said in what could almost be mistaken for a kind voice.
"Yes, sir. And you are…?" she said, smiling broadly.
"Her teeth aren't pointed. Darn," Mulch added.
"Don't need the running commentary," Root said out of the corner of his mouth. "Root, Commander Julius Root of the LEP."
Artemis studied her. "Foaly," he said, "could you perhaps swing the camera to give me a full view of her face?"
The centaur grunted, the keys clacking again. "She's not that pretty, Fowl."
He ignored this and went back to studying Ohmson. "Oh, I've heard of you, sir," she was saying.
"Yes, well, lots of people have," easing into his usual gruff tone. "Do you know why you're here?"
She shifted, recrossing her legs. "I have an idea, sir. Is this about my former classmate?"
"Opal Koboi, yes, it is," Root answered. "Tell me, are you sure she was the one who contacted you?"
"Oh, yes, sir," Ruby said with wide eyes. "It was kind of rambling, like the way she talks."
"That's true. Now, what, exactly, did she ask you?"
The pixie sighed, examining a nail. "It should be in my report, sir."
"Please humor me." Root's voice was on a steadily non-friendly trend.
"She
asked for the schematics on some LEP weapon, like Mud Poison, I think is
what she called it." Ruby looked
up. "Is that all you need?"
"Were you in possession of
these schematics?"
"No, sir." She rolled her eyes. "Look, Julius, I'm not stupid. I know exactly what you're doing here, trying to make me say something so you can arrest somebody to make up for your Opal blunder. And I'm telling you, you've got the wrong girl if you're trying to trick someone. And," she paused for effect, "you just revealed to me that there is such a thing as the Mud Poison—which, if I may say, is a pathetic name for superweapon."
The look on Root's face was priceless. "Girl's got guts," Foaly commented.
"I like her already," Mulch added.
"Ooh, she called him Julius," Juliet said.
"Commander," Artemis said, "ask her if she knows anyone named Rob S. Muhoyn."
"Who's that?" Foaly asked.
"Head of FeatherSoft Soap, one of the illegal companies I've been trying to shut down."
Root complied and a wide smile split her face. "Julius, Artemis Fowl wouldn't happen to be watching this, would he?"
Artemis jerked in surprise along with the others. "Why do you ask?"
"He's been trying to shut down my illegal soap company for quite some time now," Ruby said, still smiling broadly. "You see, he is Opal's pet peeve, and the one thing I enjoy most is doing something people dream of doing before they can do it themselves. Usually I steal inventions and patent them myself. But Opal wants Fowl dead, and I'm going to oblige before she can exact her revenge." She pulled something out of her pocket and pushed a button on it; it expanded to resemble a cross between a bazooka (or some other really big gun) and an M-16.
"Oh," Foaly said. "Hey. That looks exactly like what the Mud Poison should look like."
"As you can see, Artemis," she continued, "I now have the means of completely demolishing Opal's hope for revenge. So…see you around."
She winked at the camera, then hefted the absurdly large gun and blasted the camera. The audio on Root was still working, until she presumably blasted him. Artemis groaned and tried to put his head in his hands, but ran into Holly's head on the way. She protested in her sleep and shifted, putting pressure on him in areas he didn't particularly want pressure on. Wincing, he gently pushed her to the side.
"Well," Butler said. "This is wonderful. I have two insane fairies after my charge's blood. Artemis—"
"It's not my fault the pixie chooses insane hobbies," he snapped.
"I'm not blaming you. I'm saying we need to move to a secure facility."
"Haven," Artemis said instantly. "Foaly, I need the Mud Poison schematics. I need to know exactly how it works."
"You can't come to Haven!" the centaur protested.
"I have already," he argued.
"Yes, because we were under danger of hostile takeover," Foaly said. "Fowl—"
"Back to Fowl now, are we? I'll remind you that I have a friend of yours on my lap right now."
There was a collective gasp. "Are you—threatening her, Fowl?"
Holly sat up. "Arty?"
"Sh," he said, pulling the cord on the microphone. "Go back to sleep."
"But—"
"What?" he said, a little harsher than he intended.
Her childlike expression wilted, tugging on those blasted emotions. "I just wanted a good-night kiss."
"Sorry," he whispered, smoothing her hair and obliging her, relaxing for a few precious seconds before she settled back against him. Then he awkwardly attempted to replug the microphone.
"Look," Butler said, "I assume we'll need to come to Haven eventually—"
"To meet Holly's mother," Mulch muttered.
"—but for now, if we can find a temporary base, we'll be okay."
"Right," Juliet said sarcastically. "Dom, what's better protected than this place? Fort Knox?"
"They'll be expecting us to go someplace well-protected," Artemis said, brain going at lightspeed (literally, if you took the time to calculate the speed of the electrical impulses—he pushed away his sidebound wanderings). "However, I think—"
***
A yawning Bobby O'Bobble opened the door to see the two Butlers flanking Artemis, who was carrying a sleeping Holly, and a really short, ugly guy. "Jeeze, Fowl," he said, "I know I said you could come visit over holiday, but this's a lot of people for the middle of the night."
"It's only temporary," Artemis assured him as they trooped into the front hall.
Bobby followed them. "I hope so. Mum won't be too pleased when she makes breakfast in the morning…"
A/N II: This has been edited by me, Jade Sabre, in order to provide you, the reader, with quality grammar, if not quality writing. Now, I think you should all thank me for the wonderful grammar (if not for the OOC Holly and large amounts of romance) by hitting the little "Go" button down there and telling me what you think!
*Sweetest Thing by U2*
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, hooooooooooo
Your reviews they throw me like a rubber ball (Who-o-o the reviewing thing)
They can catch me or break my fall (Who-o-o the reviewing thing)
Arty's got blue skies up ahead
But in this a rain cloud
You know I want an honest kind of review (Who-o-o the reviewing thing)
I need to know
I need to know
So just do the reviewing thing
