LATEST NEWS) Diana passed the Mary-Sue Litmus Test! I couldn't find the Artemis Fowl one, so I just did the universal one. And she passed! True, there were some characteristics of a Mary-Sue, but what OC character doesn't? And the writer of the test said it was fine, so... you get the idea.

neutralgal: I have been awarded a few certificates in writing. But only in elementary school. and only in nonfiction writing. Never in fiction such as this. But thank you anyway. All those reallys were indeed flattering.

number 423601: Well, I've updated:)

jess: Thank you, anonymous reviewer! Happy reading!

iceteawriter: My story is like one of the Artemis Fowl series? That's...well, pretty pleasing, actually. So I write as well as Eoin Colfer? Wow, that is indeed... thanks.

Now, now. I understand that this chapter would be quite humorous, but that was just to cheer you guys up! Enjoy! (And don't take this any lightly!)


Chapter 21: Difficulties

It was a long trip of endurance in the flue. An odyssey full of risks and adventures, not to mention that Diana almost got eviscerated because a laser dart suddenly cut through the wall of the air pipe and blasted out the other side. Apart from that, Holly nearly lost her index finger again because she tried to grab Diana when the dart went flying, but the swift circle simply grazed the tip of her finger.

"You're lucky that bullet didn't go straight through you." Holly reminded Diana for what seemed like the millionth time. "Losing a vital organ is beyond repair, even with magic."

"I know, I know," Diana rolled her eyes as she pushed her upper body part out of the small opening. "Could you give me a hand here? My..um...hips are stuck."

Holly grinned as she locked her arms around Diana's waist and pulled. "I think you've gained weight ever since you've got here." she managed to tease between grunts and pulls.

"Shut up," Diana muttered. "It's all your fault. It's the rubbish fairy food you have. I've never tasted anything so delicious in my entire life." They both screamed as Diana's full body fell out of the square hole and toppled over Holly's own.

"That's because all our vegetables are organic," Holly replied as she removed Diana off herself. "And the way you just shove food into your mouth, and how you eye your food like you've starved for days... you should really learn how to control yourself. Frankly speaking, I don't understand what Artemis sees in you."

"At least I eat clean," Diana retorted lamely. "I don't get a crumb on myself." She turned her attention to finding the micro keyhole Root had mentioned. "Foaly?" she requested. "Could you activate my iris-cam?"

"Can a troll eat a whole cow? Can a dwarf blow a hole in his pants?" Foaly's irksome voice repiled. "By the way, the conversation you two just had was hilarious."

"There it is!" Diana exclaimed as soon as her vision was magnified to an extreme extent. "That hole is seriously tiny. What were we going to use to open it again? A dwarf hair?"

"Don't be so doubting, Diana," Foaly interrupted from somewhere above her ear. "Dwarf hair is stiff, yet ever so sensitive and flexible. If that makes sense. And this isn't just any dwarf's hair, it's the wonder-thief Mulch Diggum's. Beats just about any hair pin or clip or whatever primitive equipment you humans use. In fact, I recently did this research on dwarf hair, and you won't believe what amazing substance I discovered. I'm going to name it Foalicium, with the chemical symbol Fl."

"Foaly, if you use any jargon from now on, I will personally kill you. Just warning you. Go on please."

"Well, if you consider the periodic table and certain facts releant to the covalent bond of atoms as terminology-"

"Foaly!"

"Fine," the centaur sulked, putting on his role of the unappreciated genius.. "Insert the hair."

"Holly stuck one of Mulch's hairs into the smallest keyhole she had ever seen. "Too thick. Why don't we use the omnitool?" Holly took a black tube from her belt an pointed the lens at the keyhole. Nothing happened. "Hmm... This is such a reliable keyhole. I could use one of these."

Diana slipped a hand in her jacket pocket and pulled out a mobile phone. "This is the weirdest thing I've ever done. Why doesn't the omnitool work?"

"Perhaps because the hole is X-ray repellent. The omnitool's sensor can't pick up a thing."

"Okay," Diana held the cellular phone firmly. "But before I do this, I have to remind you that this-"

"-is the weirdest thing you've ever done," Holly finished for her. "I've seen things weirder, Diana. Hurry up and do it."

"My mobile phone is made of bulletproof glass and the finest stainless steel in Ireland," Artemis intervened through the microphone. "Don't expect it to crumble in your fingers. Accept intense pain."

Sometimes Artemis could be so annoying. "I need a screwdriver."

Holly blinked. "A screwdriver. What makes you think I have a screwdriver? The only screwdriver under this Earth can be seen in the national historical museum. And in bad condition too. Rusty and all."

"Your Neutrino, then," Diana snapped. "Set the settings to three and intensify the beam. Like you did when you blew a hole in the wall."

"The Neutrino 2000 was formerly designed for burning people into crisp potatoes. Now it has been used for medical purposes, ruining Mud Men buildings, and yet we have found another use: repair," Foaly beamed, only to be ignored.

"I was hoping we wouldn't have to do that." Artemis said. "I had grown to be quite fond with my cell phone."

"Repair? More like mechanical surgery," Diana said. "Okay, here goes nothing."

After a brief hesitation, the steel gave way and a neat straight line formed on the side of Artemis's phone. Diana pried open the rest with her fingers.

"Near the antenna there. Easy now. The magnet is about 5 centimeters in length and 0.1 millimeters in width."

"How do you know so much about the inside of your cell phone?" Diana asked as she gingerly retrieved the nearly invisible magnet with her two fingers.

"Because I designed it myself, obviously," Diana could just imagine Artemis's smirk. "I sold the blueprint to Nokia for 8.5 million U.S. dollars. After a few minor arrangements, of course, so mine is one of a kind."

"I just can't help but hate your intellect, Artemis," The Korean girl inserted the magnetic stick inside the micro keyhole. "Posting lectures on the Internet on the subject of physics, writing books on psychology, all under various pseudonyms. I hear you have a chemistry lab at home, and you're working on completeing your medical studies as a surgeon. When I'm with you, you make AP Chemistry sound so stupid. Why don't you just become a lawyer as well?"

"I was on the wrong side of the law for too long," Artemis replied, chuckling gently. "But I do believe that I am more tactful than any lawyer and diplomat can be."

"And you're also a whiz and finding loopholes," Diana grimaced. "Artemis, it looks like you've busted your cell phone for a few futile attempts. It's not working."

"Wait," Holly spoke up."What if we insert the stick inside the keyhole and use the omnitool at the same time? May be somehow the magnetic force could reactivate the X-ray. Is it possible?"

Diana shrugged. "I don't know. Don't ask me. The two geniuses are on mike."

"Actually," Foaly began. "I do think it might work."

"Okay, okay. It works," Holly cut Foaly off before he could say more. "Just let me concentrate." With that, Holly carefully placed the thin magnetic stick into the hole. Even more cautiously, she clicked on her omnitool.

Click. The door was open in a split second.

"Yes!" two voices shouted simultaneously.

"But we've messed around too much," Holly said, returning to her usual Captain state. "This much time spent on the very first step. That's not very good. From now on, no more talking. Just the work. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," Diana replied. "Just the work."

"Good," Holly turned to face the two large buttons above a screen in front of her. "Now what do we have here?" The two buttons read, "VISITORS" and "MEMBERS". Without thinking, Holly immediately pressed MEMBERS.

"Name and rank?" A mechanical voice inquired.

"Um..." Holly glanced sideways at Diana. "Captain Holly Short?"

"Access denied," The voice replied, a tingeness of smugness in its voice.

"Well," Holly folded her arms as she leaned against a wall. "This is going to take a while."


Beep. Beep. The dial is off. To leave a message, A massive hand slammed the phone in frustration. Butler walked out to the porch and just stood there, uncertain of what to think or whom to suspect. Artemis was safe, he was sure of it. But how was he going to explain this to his parents?

When the Fowl couple had finally came to, Butler and the two of them had sat down with a cup of coffee for elucidation. But apparantly they didn't want to hear any of it. Artemis Sr., being angry for the first time in three years, wobbled dangerously on this prosthetic limb, shouting for his only son. Angeline was far more congenial; she just smiled sweetly and said that she wanted to have a talk with Artemis on the phone, but went into pieces when she discovered that his phone was off.

And there the legendary Domovoi Butler was, sitting on the front porch, completely helpless with no clue of Artemis's whereabouts. All he knew was that the child prodigy's plans would be more risky than they ever were, and next time when he meets Holly he would request for a Kevlar removal surgery.


"This is getting incredibly boring," Juliet muttered. "What is this? If you ask me, I think these goblins are being defeated a bit too fast. Correct me if I'm wrong, but these lizards look like more than they seem."

"Looks can be deceiving," came the cryptic reply.

The blonde amazon simply stared as another goblin blasted against the wall, clutching his head and moaning. "No. No. This is not it. This is not what I thought war would be."

"War," Root grimaced. "Don't you think that's too dramatic a word?"

"You know what I mean," Juliet snapped. "You know what always happens in movies. The bad guys goof around, thinking they're the victors, and all of a sudden they have a gun slammed in their temple. They go whimpering off like little infants. I have a feeling that's about to happen to us."

"This is not a movie, and we are not the bad guys," the commander retorted grimly. "And we're considered professionals. We will not go goofing around."

"Actually, I think you're right," Juliet suddenly grinned. "I've just changed the camera version to 'emerald green.' It's really cool because I can barely see the goblins against the green background. That would make things more exciting."

"There you are," Root's face had on a slight tone of pink. "You're goofing around. You think this is some virtual video game. Well, it's not, and before you know it you'll get a gun slammed into your temple as you mentioned."

"Ah," the younger Butler smiled meaningfully. "You know what's the difference between those gangster/movie stars and me?"

"What?" Root questioned, not at all interested.

"Of course you know," Juliet winked that almost threatening wink of hers. "I'm a professional." In another split second, her fist collided with a solid object that happened to be a gobin's face, more accurately, his nose. Root spun around and added a swift kick to another goblin's behind. Two creatures sprawled on the floor, grasping various body parts and rubbing them in pain.

"See?" Juliet smiled, her ponytail swaying behind her. "Professionals."


Butler was right about one thing; this plan was far more risky than they ever were. Yet there were some positive aspects; this scheme was relatively simple, highly unlike Artemis. Ironically, this was the safest of them all as well, for the whole of it was to be taken place in the LEP headquarters. However, this was not to be taken lightly. That is to say that it wasn't easy.

VISITOR. The bright sign glared at them as if sensing something suspicious. Now they had no choice but to press that button. Firmly, but reluctantly, Holly did.

"Password?" the metallic voice sounded.

"Demolisher 2004," Holly answered, completely out of the blue.

"Access denied."

"Uh... Lower Elements Police?" Diana mumbled.

"Access denied."

"D'Arvit!" Holly shouted, frustrated and steaming like a kettle filled with boiling water. "Can't something be easy for once?"

"Access denied."

Holly fumed at the glowing sign. Either the intelligence chip was yet to be added to this particular machine and its vocabulary was very limited, or the mystical voice had a sense of humor. "Foaly. Have you got a clue?"

"Um," Foaly replied through an earpiece entirely vacumned of static. "I just asked Julius and he said it was, 'Selfish and ignorant Mud Men beware, there's more of you than the Council can spare.'"

"What?" Holly almost choked in disbelief. "What is that, a limerick? The Council is using a limerick for a password?"

"Technically, it's called a couplet," Artemis spoke up, his voice annoyingly calm. "And if that truly is the password, then the Council is by far the most childish group of fairies I have ever met."

Much to everyone's surprise, the voice suddenly barked out a laugh. It made Holly and Diana jump out of their skin. "May I give you a hint?" the voice asked as its cackle died out.

Diana snorted. "Yes, please!" If she hadn't seen and done more stranger things before, she would have been terrified by now. Then she managed to recite the poem as Foaly had told her, barely stifling a laugh.

This time, the machinery whirred before responding. "Access denied. True, that was the previous password."

"Okay," Diana muttered. "The hint, please?"

"Sure thing," the voice replied. "This animal walks on all fours in the morning, two in the afternoon-"

"A human," Diana answered before anyone could react.

"I was just kidding," the voice said again. "I was just running an IQ test. Surely you didn't mistake me for a sphinx, did you?"

"There are enough annoying people, let alone machines, that are involved and intertwined in this crazy life of mine," said Holly, mock indignant. "Give us the real hint, now."

"Drink and play," the voice answered after a brief hesitation.

"Excuse me?" Holly inquired. This was getting crazier by the minute.

"I'm certain you heard me. Drink and play," This voice answered.

"That is the randomest hint I've heard of in all time," Diana shouted out. "Drink and play? How are we supposed to know what that means?"

"You will be able to guess it if you are a fairy, unless you are a spy from Atlantis or some other faraway place," came the reply. "More specifically; this is a sentence."

"Voice, we do not have the time to play your little games," Holly almost yelled, fully disgusted. "I need, no, I demand for a more lucid hint."

"I have to make sure you're someone in the LEP," if the voice had shoulders, it could have shrugged. "I'm sorry."

All fell silent in constant pondering. After ten minutes of total quietness, Holly ripped of her acorns and took out her badge, and decided to wave it in the sensor vigorously. "Look here, I'm a Recon captain. I'm someone in the LEP. Can we go in please?"

"Very well," the voice replied. "I am giving you another hint, but only out of sympathy." After a dramatic pause, it continued. "This is the code for Emergency 1-"

"Well, then, why didn't you say so? Holly demanded. "Meet me at Spud's Spud Emporium. So that's what drink and play was all about, eh?"

"Exactly," the door slid open before them, and the eager two walked in swiftly.

"Wait!" the voice called out again just as they were out the door.

"What is it?" Diana demanded hurriedly, wanting to get this all over with.

"Before you go inside each of you must make one sacrifice!" the voice boomed.

Diana gulped. She wasn't sure if she imagined it, but the sound of Holly's gulping was audible as well. "What kind of sacrifice is it?" Diana whispered, wringing her hands anxiously.

"Never mind," the voice murmured. "I was just pulling your leg. Go inside, please?"

Stupefied, the duo turned slowly and and took a step; but it wasn't long before Holly took a breath and blurted out one last amusing statement.

"Are you sure I shouldn't look for the source and blast it into bits?"


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