Chapter 17
Between ebony and ivory
"I must let go?" Golbez was past wondering who was speaking to him. "I should just let her die?"
/No. Heal her./
Golbez let out a desperate laugh that floated on the verge of madness. "I cannot use white magic! I can't!"
/You can…/ The voice was like a whisper in the wind, but rang clearly to make its stand against the roar of the reigning storm.
"How? How?" Golbez was shouting on the top of his lungs.
/It is a gift, but you must abandon your-/
A gust of wind seemed to swallow the last words.
"What must I abandon? What?"
"Only Lunarians or specially chosen people can use black as well as white magic…" Fu So Ya said softly. "And you're only a half-Lunarian… So if you want to use healing magic..."
Golbez looked up towards him. "You're telling me to give up my black powers?" His eyes darkened with bitterness. "That is not possible."
"Child… Will you really admit defeat before you have even tried it?" FuSoYa's voice was sharp now and nearly impatient.
"Do you think that the shrine on top of the mountain can help, Master FuSoYa?" Edward asked quietly. "It was destroyed, though, and Golbez would never reach it in time anyway…"
"I know that myself! And still I will try!" Golbez did not care how he sounded, how he was acting beyond all logic-
"Like some stupid human would…" Nearly stubbornly, he gathered Leah's lifeless form in his arms, ready to carry her to the end of the world if necessary.
"Wait! Since when is rashness one of your weaknesses, as well?" FuSoYa's wrinkled hand pressed on his shoulder, urging him to stay down. "There is no need to go anywhere. The top of Mt. Ordeals is the place where the soul of your father was enshrined, but it is the whole mountain that gives - and takes. You won't have to fight like your brother did - all you have to do is to give."
"Sounds easy enough to me." Tristan shrugged with his shoulders. "Go for it, Gobs!"
FuSoYa shook his head. "I fear that the task is not anywhere near easy. Giving is much harder than taking. The question is, child, can you get rid of such a power as you posses?"
Golbez looked down to the woman in his arms. "But of course -" he wanted to say, but knew that it was a lie. Even in this moment where part of his mind was numbed by despair, he still could feel the energies running through him; feel them even stronger than ever before. His ability of black magic was an inseparable part of him, the power was him.
/Not true…Look inside yourself…/
Golbez didn't know if it was the voice or FuSoYa who had said it, but he tried to calm down his breathing and concentrate. He closed his eyes, but after just a second, they fluttered open involuntarily to check if the person in his arms was still breathing.
"You have to pretend - just pretend that she's not dying…"
There he was again - pushing logic aside for human ignorance and still there was no other way -
His eyes closed for the second time and, slowly, he let his mind drift into the grey reaches of his soul. Muddy waters of past memories floated by; vague impressions of cruel deeds; of scraps of conversation in which he had given meaningless words of apology for what he'd done; of moments of regret that he couldn't lead a normal life, couldn't be a guiltless person…
His thoughts dove deeper with no effort, as if the heavy load of guilt itself was taking them down to the dark depths of the grey, and he still felt strangely calm. The bleak state of his soul was no surprise to him and its colourlessness - except for the ever same grey -was something he had expected.
He hadn't expected what came next, though, and his heart began to beat faster. There, below him, it was - an unshapely black lump; interlaced with crimson veins which pounded angrily and steadily. Golbez instinctively knew that this was the source of the grey, the source of the darkness in him:
It was his magic, the powerful black magic Zemus had instilled in him that had been poisoning his soul all along.
"But how can it be? It cannot be that easy... " There was no guilt to overcome then, just this power - by letting go of his magic, his soul would become brighter, clearer - his deeds, his life would become clearer to him…
Panic filled Golbez as he realized the consequence of it, the consequence of having to see everything clearly...
"I can see in your eyes how much you enjoy wielding your power. You act like you curse it, but you still use it... " Ko Min's words echoed through his head. It was right - though he had tried to better himself by trying to remain controlled, by fighting against the rage in him, he had never hesitated to cast a fire or bolt spell, although his magic had been the one thing that had brought death to people.
"Many people are able to wield black magic. Is it wrong for one to have power as long as you try to use it for a good purpose?"
/You're not simply using it.../
"Not simply using it, but -" Golbez confronted himself with these words, tried to understand them by letting them painfully enter his heart, his mind, until suddenly, reality unveiled before his eyes and he finally saw it:
He saw the lie he had been living by cowardly pretending that he was facing the hate the world brought against him.
The truth was that he had not simply used his power, but hid behind it. He had always said that he wanted to atone for his crimes, but had he ever really felt the wrath and grief of others? People never confronted him directly as they feared him because of the magic he wielded; they would regard him scowling, but only from afar; they would whisper, but only behind his back, because they knew that he was stronger than they were.
But without his strength, his magic, he would no longer be protected…
"You'd have to pay for real then…"
Could he endure it? He was afraid. He noticed something wet on his face, running down his cheek and he squeezed his eyes shut even more, until the lids felt like they were trembling. He didn't want to see his tears, these signs of weakness and self-pity in a moment where the life of an important person was at stake...
"Without power… How should I feel alive…? How should I feel anything? How?"
/It is a lie to say that you are not feeling anything…Remember…/
Yes, it was true - he had felt and was feeling. He felt alive when being with her.
The power made him feel alive, too, but it also destroyed everything, the deceptive joy it brought was never lasting... Even now it was pulling him back into the comfortable greyness of his soul, where only a pretended guilt and fatalism existed, no truth…
"You need me," it seemed to murmur, "I'm the memory of your deeds. I'm there to punish you…"
"No, I don't need such a memory to remember what I have done… You are the means by which I was able to do what I did - I killed by your usage. You were the thing ruling me. You cannot help me to atone…"
With a violent mental motion he let go, watching terrified how the black lump sank deeper, painfully dragging the water around him with it - Golbez felt like he would suffocate, as if it had been the dark muddy liquid he had been breathing all along. Panicked, he felt the urge to grab for the lump, to keep it from disappearing as if his very life depended on it and it was like he was living through one of the dreams again, these dreams where it had been his inability to see the truth which had brought him death -
"No! I'm not dependent on you. I'm only hiding behind you… Such a power as yours is... cheating."
Bringing up all control he could manage, he forced himself to watch how the powerful black object floated out of his reach and, just like the grey liquid around him, was getting sucked away by something, some kind of hidden vortex at the very core of his being. A sharp pang went through his lungs as they drew in the first air, cold air, mercilessly filling his body and a dazzling white that blinded his eyes. As his vision returned again, he could no longer feel the presence of the dark power.
Golbez felt alone all of a sudden, like a very tiny and lost particle in the white nothingness around him. But no - he suddenly noticed that not everything was white, but that there still were bubbles out of grey and black water floating around him, as if the light had not been able to shine on everything dark his soul harbored. The comfort the familiar feeling of gloom gave him was shaken by the fear that he still hadn't conquered his black magic. But he knew that it had been enough as he heard, or more accurately felt, the words…
He opened his eyes and spoke them aloud. It were words he did not know, words that did not belong to any known magic language and he had forgotten them just shortly after having them uttered, the glimmer surrounding Leah's body the only remains of having spoken them out at all.
"Warm…" Her lips moved softly, before she weakly opened her eyes.
At the sound of her voice, Golbez forgot for a second the nagging emptiness that pained him, now that neither black nor white magic were filling him anymore.
"Leah, how do you feel?"
"Not... very good…" she whispered hoarsely.
Unasked, FuSoYa knelt down next to her. "Cure." Once more, white surrounded Leah's body.
"You said you couldn't -"
Golbez was interrupted by the patient voice of the old man: "She'll make it…"
"You have cried…"
"I… was afraid…" Golbez looked down at Leah and tried to grin, but failed completely.
Leah was looking at him earnestly. "I was afraid, too. I guess that makes us both to cowards."
"No, only me. It also is my fault that -" Golbez stopped as FuSoYa sharply drew in breath.
"Don't you hear?"
/Come… to me… please…/
"Klu Ya…" Golbez murmured. "I cannot -"
"No, you must go." Leah urged him, her voice still weak. "I'll be all right."
"I'll be accompanying you," FuSoYa said.
Golbez frowned. "What about Ko Min? He -"
"While you were helping Leah, I put a strong sleep spell on him." FuSoYo explained quickly. "I doubt that he'll awake before the next twenty-four hours…"
"No!" Leah exclaimed and immediately bit her lip, as if she had said something wrong. "Never mind…" She closed her eyes, exhausted by her sudden outburst.
"Is it because of what Ko Min told her about her origin?" There was no sense in thinking about this subject right now - Leah was alive and that was all that mattered to Golbez.
"Seems that you still had more magic power than you thought, uncle…" he grumbled and then instructed Edward to take his place at Leah's side. "Still, if Ko Min should awake, you -" with surprise Golbez saw how Tristan landed with a thump on Ko Min's back like on a shot animal, his knife pointed at the other's neck.
"Don't worry! Hey - I'm interested in staying alive, too!" the swindler winked mischievously; though there seemed to be more behind his cheerful attitude, this time.
"All right…" Golbez stood up. "Let us end this story." As relieved he felt only moments ago, he now was uncomfortable with the thought of finally being able to talk with his father.
xOx
Golbez felt weak and confused - his thoughts were swirling as incoherently as the white flakes around him and the walk to the mountain top seemed to be endless. He was empty, drained - the former joy about having saved Leah's life had only shortly brought back the colours before reality had caught up with him again, and with it the familiar feel of suppressed rage - and loneliness. Although he had yet to realize to full extent what losing his powers truly meant, he had already taken a glimpse of what lay buried in his soul: It was the horrible feeling of being alone and unprotected and his recurring sense of logic had pretty fast concluded the reason for this - or better the culprit of it.
"Klu Ya…" The bridge before the shrine came into view now and the storm around them lessened miraculously like wanting to make sure that the mountain's visitors were safely able to cross it. Already from the middle of the wooden planks, the mess became visible.
Like Cecil had said, the shrine was broken due to a fight he'd fought here shortly after the Crystal War and a heap of pebbles was all that remained.
With a cry of regret, FuSoYa hurried towards the pile and knelt down before it, offering a silent Lunarian prayer. Golbez followed him slowly and looked down at the pile with a raised eyebrow, his face cold.
"So that's the place where KluYa spoke to Cecil before… And now all that's left are some stones... Fitting for a grave." He knew that it was a horrible thing to say, but he did not want to suppress his thoughts. His power was no longer there to hide behind, but there was still his sarcasm and he would be damned if he would let his true feeling in this moment show: Pure anxiousness.
FuSoYa's sudden gasp startled him - the stones had started to glow softly in a strange kind of light.
/Golbez… knew it…/
The voice from before sounded again, a bit louder now, although some words were hardly audible at all. It was a warm voice and could have been called young if it hadn't been filled with the grief of the old.
"Klu Ya?" Golbez's voice was harder than he had wanted it to sound. "Are you the reason why the moon is here?
"Golbez!" FuSoYa reprimanded him sternly. "This is no way to speak to your father!"
/Let him talk, brother… Yes… I was the one who brought… But... That was not the real… question… why you came…/
Golbez's face was still a white mask of stone and he spoke out the words nearly mechanically. "I'm glad that you are as direct as I am. Why did you separate Cecil and me?"
/Still not the real question…/
"Don't tell me what to ask!" the dark-haired wizard snapped, feeling every trace the black had left in his body growing.
/So much impatience... But still.. You understand now, right/
"Understand what? That my black magic, the very black magic you allowed Zemus to instill in me, is a curse you now helped me to get rid off?"
/No... Did not do much to help you… I thought you had understood... But there's still so much hate left... My fault.../
"Yes - yes, it is your fault! Did you help me to save Leah to atone for your doing?" In this moment, everything he had longed to say just gushed out of Golbez's mouth in an angry torrent. "You gave me away! You abandoned me! Cecil was at least given the chance to see the light! But I was just… left alone!"
For a moment there reigned a silence, which brought a disdainful smile on Golbez's lips.
"He does not know what to say… He knows about his guilt. His guilt, not mine."
The stones shone a bit brighter before Klu Ya spoke once more:
/I was weak… Zemus… He did know of your power… your's and your brother's… Children of a human and a Lunarian… a new race… We had no chance… We split you… your mother took your brother... before she was killed by Zemus, she was able to bring him to Baron…/
The false smile left Golbez's face. "You just left me to Zemus because you knew that my soul was lost to the darkness, anyway…" he hissed, ignoring FuSoYa indignant stare in his direction.
/No…/ Klu Ya's voice stayed calm, though. /Your soul was the same as your brother's. Soul of a child. I took you with me… knew I had to hide you… but I wasn't as strong... as your mother… couldn't give you away…./
/Couldn't give you away…/
/Couldn't give you away…/
The sentence echoed through the icy air and although Golbez knew what the words meant, the warmth of them did not reach his heart.
"Selfish weakling…" he spat out.
"Golbez!" FuSoYa thundered.
/But he is right… Zemus found me… Too strong… Couldn't protect you… I was too weak… even now I'm… and selfish, too… for bringing back the moon…/
"Klu Ya… You don't mean -" Fu SoYa was staring at the pile with widened eyes, which were slowly getting filled with a bitter and sad look of realization that the enraged Golbez failed to notice completely.
"Yes - it is selfish to bring back the moon just so you could return!"
The stones burned brighter, as if the force inhabiting them was undergoing strong emotions.
/No… not the reason… No return for me to the moon… I'm weak… dying…/
"What? But then why did you bring it back? Thanks to you I'm here agai-" Golbez trailed off, a terrible truth revealing in this moment.
"But it couldn't be…" The thought was too improbable, too crazy to be true.
/Brother… Forgive me… but my guilt... I couldn't…/
"It can't be…" Everything Golbez had put ready inside his mind, everything he had wanted to confront the other with, dissolved in this moment.
"I understand… It… I understand…. I should have never listened to him as he said that he wanted to go to the moon with me…" Fu So Ya said lowly, still kneeling before the pile.
"Now stop this!" Golbez could no longer hold back his despair. "Don't tell me that all this has anything to do with me! That he brought the moon back because of me! That… that isn't possible…!"
/Endless sleep is not for you… wanted you…to decide… It cost much power to draw the moon… but the mountain helped… but even if not… my wish… would have... been strong enough… even that now… strength is fading…/
Wordlessly, but clearly grief-stricken, FuSoYa turned his gaze away from the glowing pile.
/Don't grief… have done enough to deserve this…My son… take care… of Cecil… too/
Golbez still hadn't really understood his father's words. "Take care? Take care of Cecil? You're asking that of me? I'm the one who killed! I'm the one who needs to get taken care of!"
/That… was… reason... why I brought… moon back… To take care of… of my child…of my beloved son…/
Golbez did not know what to say - his father had done all this just to get him back? To preserve his son from endless sleep?
"His beloved son…" He stared at the stones, his dark eyes unbelieving and full of shock.
/Have a better life… than I did… just sorrow… until your brother came... and now you… I just wish you would realize.../ The voice trailed off and the light died away.
"Klu Ya!" FuSoYa shouted, but no answer came. The Lunarian bowed his white head.
"Is… is he dead?" Golbez asked dimly into the silence.
His uncle could do nothing more than nod, the grief overwhelming him.
"He died… because he used up his power… because of… of me! Someone as worthless as me and I -" Golbez fell down to his knees and slammed a fist on the cold ground.
"Golbez! Keep control!" FuSoYa whirled around, but his eyes softened as he saw that Golbez's expression was not angry:
It was sad.
The black haired wizard closed his eyes, feeling lonelier than ever before in this moment, so lost and little against the sacrifice his father had made.
"I used to wish that Klu Ya… that my father loved me… But I couldn't believe that he did - you do not abandon someone you love, although I have never been better in my life…" he stammered hoarsely. "Now I finally see...But it is too late..."His dark eyes opened, filled with painful regret - and realization. "It seems like I was the one who abandoned you, father. Forgive me for doubting you. I think I understood what you wanted me to show." He bent his head, but raised it, as a slight shimmer blinded his gaze: The stones were showing the faintest of glows once again.
/My wish... came... true... I'm proud… and happy… / it echoed softly, nearly cheerfully through the air.
"Father! Father?" There came no answer and as the stones before him dissolved into soft, glittering dust and were blown away by the wind, Golbez finally understood that the light had faded forever...
He felt tears running down his cheeks, but this time he did not close his eyes before them, but let them flow strongly, washing away the dark stains in his soul. With them, they were taking away the grief of ages in a wave of shame: Shame for not having seen right away what it had been that his father had wanted him to understand.
Shame for not having realized sooner that his road had never been a lonely one.
Author's notes: The final curtain draws near (not many chapters left now) and my author's notes get longer for unknown reasons... Concerning this chapter: See – you were nearly right with your presumptions, PhiloWorm. ;) Many of you were also wondering in the reviews about Leah and her real identity. The answer to this might be a bit... difficult since this is not her story, but Gob's and Edward's one and— Well, I guess you'll have to see for yourself what I mean in the next chapter...
As always, I'd also like to thank you all for your comments – I'll be sure to give some of you "honourable mentions" in the final notes at the end of the story!
-T
