Chapter 5: Opening Up

Olivia had just handed Evan over to be processed, and she could feel herself shaking. She didn't know why. "Am I shaking because I'm scared, or does it go deeper than that?" she asked herself silently as Elliot came up to join her.
"Liv?" he asked gently. "You okay?"

She hadn't noticed him until he spoke, and his voice soothed her. She hated to admit it, but it was as if the tone of his voice gave her permission to lean on him. After a few minutes, she found the strength to turn and shake her head.

They didn't need words. Elliot could see it in her eyes. This case was tearing away at her, and he knew why. Olivia's mother had been a raging alcoholic, and he knew she was relating to Hope's situation because of that. She had told him what it was like growing up in that kind of home, and he had a feeling that that was all coming back to her now. He placed a hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay, Liv," he said as she buried her head in his shoulder, sobbing softly. "Let it out. It's okay." He nodded to Munch as he patted Olivia's back soothingly. Munch got his signal and took Hope out to get some ice cream. Elliot led Olivia into an empty interview room and helped her into a chair. "I know, Liv, I know," he soothed. "Shh, it's okay."

"No, it's not," she said through her tears. "You don't need this, El. You've got your own problems, and it's not fair for me to add mine to the load."

Elliot shook his head. "No, you've got it all wrong, Liv," he told her. "I'll always be here for you. That's what partners are for."

Olivia smiled through her tears. "Thanks, El," she said before asking, "Where's Hope?"

"Munch took her out for ice cream," Elliot replied. "So, what had you so upset earlier?"

Olivia sighed. "I was thinking about my mother," she answered.

Elliot nodded. "I thought that was it," he said quietly.

Olivia managed a small laugh. "You know me too well, Stabler," she told him softly.

"Well, like you asked earlier, how long have we been working together?" he said playfully. "You wanna talk about it?" he questioned, suddenly turning serious.

Olivia nodded as she raised her head and wiped her eyes. "Hope reminds me a lot of me when I was her age," she began.

"How's that?" he queried.

"Well, I lived in fear when I was growing up, too," she continued. I never knew what my mother was gonna do next, and it scared me to death. I always waited up for her, which only added fuel to her drunken fire. I don't know why I did it. I guess I always hoped that the day would come when she'd come home sober. That never happened, though. I was constantly wondering why she was putting herself and her family through that. I never figured out the answer, but I think I understand now. She took one drink and couldn't stop herself. Before anybody could admit she needed help, she'd slipped so far down that no one could reach her."

"Do you think that's where Evan's headed?" Elliot asked as Olivia shook her head.

"He's already there, El," she replied. "I can see it in his eyes. No one can help him now. I only wish I'd recognized that look in my mother's eyes sooner."

"Don't blame yourself, Liv," Elliot encouraged. "It's not your fault."

She sighed. "I know, but now the question is, what can we do to make sure that Hope never has to feel guilty for something that she has no control over? Is that possible?" she asked. Her confusion was evident in her voice. Elliot opened his arms to her again.

"I don't know, Liv," he admitted, "but we'll give it our best shot."