AAAAH! The amount of reviews is truly frightening! (laughs) I love it! Thank you loyal readers, and new ones! You make me laugh far harder than I do you, trust me. Though I'm still waiting for someone to say that this phic is at least as good as Scotch and dog biscuits...
Lazy.kender: Glad you like the rambling, I do that a lot. Share the insanity with people! That's great!
pOtOgurl417: You're welcome!
The Singing Fox Demon: Ah, a new reviewer, thanks for all the reviews!
Lamia: Thanks for reviewing.
Neonn: Better? Really? Oh good. Honestly after the first chapter I was ready to be done with it, even I didn't think it was funny.
EriksAngel1870: You'll show back up... there's so many people in this I have to rotate.
LuvinLivnReadn: Hey! Blueberry? I thought all the blueberry muffins were gone!
Mademoiselle Phantom: I'll think about it. (Wink)
Phantress: Finally you review! About time! Just kidding. Of course you may be in... somewhere...
ChristineX: Nobody has a lot of money. At least no one I know. It was a safe bet.
Baffled Seraph: Sparklyscorpion is the official Fop Protector. Talk to her.
Misty Breyer: Hmm... wet T-shirt contest... (evil smile) You know, I may use that idea...
Miss.Understood3: Thank you!
YoukoElfMaiden: Give me a while... no, wait, I'm sure you showed up earlier... I'm positive!
Bundles 'o joy: Hmm, chandeliers... interesting... maybe...
ElfLover: Most people like Gerry's PONR better, just as they like Crawford's MOTN. (Shrug) Again, safe bet. I guess as long as I keep dealing in stereotypes, I'll be fine. :)
Librarian of the Deep: aka Oboe Freak, fellow PFNer. You're right, that is easier to type.
Elle67: Thanks for the review.
joanieponytail: Life is good, isn't it?
VegaOfTheLyre: You're in here... I think... (goes to check)
Lady Lomode: Hope to see you on PFN. Thanks for reviewing!
gavvie: yes. listen to Michael Crawford. It is important.
Elsha: I like being mean to people. 'Tis fun.
Slina: Another new reviewer (unless you were signing in differently) yay! Of course, I'll add you to the list.
longblacksatinlace: Hope to see you on PFN too... and yeah I'll put you in...
THELadyRedDeath: yeah, I can put you in... along with a hundred other people... :)
phantomzgerl: I don't know if I can handle any more versions of the Phantom. I'm going insane with love as it is.
Sarah Crawford: And you got to interact with Crawford Phantom! Credit and gratitude, please?
MindGame: I love long reviews! I love your long reviews! Thank you! I knew there were different versions of MotN but I only know the words to the one I put in... which is why I put it in...
KeeperOfBoxFive: "My god, you're silly," is now officially one of my favourite reviews. Thank you.
Willow Rose: Behold the fate of the fop...
Renee17: You are now a minion. congratulations.
Songwind: Leroux Erik will sing later, I promise. Man, I wonder how long I'll be able to keep this thing going before I burn out?
sparklyscorpion: Your interaction with Patrick Raoul starts... now.
phanphicnewbie: Welcome to the phandom! Thanks for reviewing.
Dimac99: Chapter came first... I make up the chapter titles as I'm putting the update on ff. And my knowledge of roman numerals and of sequel titles to parody is running out... :) I accept suggestions of course...
ENTR'ACTE: Manic laughter rules, doesn't it?
Melissa Brandybuck: Hmm... Raoul vs. Erik in a singing contest... I think Erik would punjab him before that happened...
ButterflyOfLothlorien: Muffins are cool. have a muffin. Aim for Emmy Christine's mouth, it shouldn't be hard—
Tango1: I'll make Kay Erik sing the Beatles later. It should happen.
Mithril: Thank you! Another new reader, whew!
Adison: Dear PR Agent, your reviews crack me up. Thank you. "What are you doing with your hands? Put them away, for God's sake."
Killthefop: what is it with you and stale breadsticks?
La Foamy: Thanks for the lung-coughing lecture... (claps a hand to her forehead) Of course Gerry Phantom is amazing. He's also a bit laughable, though...
Banana71588: (sternly) No violence in the phic. Oh, yeah. except for the fop-killing...
EmailyGirl: You're welcome. (grins) I am guilty of writing a few prophetic nightmares as well... see "Absolution."
The Maiden Amorisa: Dear MPS, the seduction scene has been altered a bit. I do hope you don't mind. :)
Mandy the O: No, you don't really love Patrick Raoul, do you? Say it ain't so!
Musique et Amour: Sooo, we already discussed the masochist comment... I am going to be adult about it and try to move on... aw, Erik, you know we love you... we just like to hit you and make fun of you... tell ya what, let me know how you want your revenge and I'll put it in.
A/N: This should make the Raoul-lovers out there quite happy— Raoul has a love interest! Yay! (evil snigger). Written, once again, quite late at night, this time with Stalker Erik's voice in my ears (go musicians who are unafraid to share! Woot!) No carrot cake this time, unfortunately, as it really seemed to help two chapters ago. Perhaps everything is a little far-fetched in this one— but then, we are talking about a story in which all versions of the Phantom are stuck in a lair together. (shrug)
Chapter Eight
"Fa?" said Kay Erik quizzically.
Nobody looked at him. They were busy looking at the string of bubbles that marked the place where Patrick Raoul had gone down, and were waiting to see how long it took him to figure out that the water was only three feet deep.
"Fa?" said Kay Erik again. His curiousity demanded to be satisfied, but no one was paying him any attention. Finally, fed up with it all, he flung the punjab around the neck of the nearest Writer, hauled her to him, and said, "Fa?" in her face.
"Um," said Hoshi, wrinkling her nose at the smell of his breath, "what do you mean?"
"Fa," repeated Kay Erik. "Fa."
"Sorry, still don't get it—"
"Fa—"
"Are you stuck on your scales?"
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Kay Erik, releasing her. "As if I, the Phantom of the Opera, would get stuck on my scales."
"Sing for us!" shouted ElfLover.
Kay Erik took a deep breath, preparatory to launching for a quick and excellent do-re-mi, and then exhaled abruptly and fixed ElfLover with a glare.
"You don't think you can get to me that easily, do you? I said I would not sing, and I will not sing."
"But," said darksidetwin2 in the ensuing silence, "you never said you wouldn't sing—"
"Didn't I? Oh." Kay Erik frowned. "I meant to. Perhaps I forgot."
"I say!" said Crawford Phantom, struck by a sudden thought. "Do you suppose that's what happened to Box Five?"
"What do you mean?" asked Gerry Phantom, his attention distracted.
"I mean to say, I said, to the managers that is, Did I not instruct that Box Five was to be kept empty? And they said— No."
"Hmm," said Gerry Phantom, nodding, with one finger pressed to his lips in thought.
"Do you suppose that's what happened? That I forgot to mention it? I was in rather a hurry at the time, and I suppose anything's possible—"
"Hmm," said Gerry Phantom again. "No, I don't think so. I mean, we are the Phantom of the Opera after all— who would believe that the Phantom of the Opera would forget to inform people of his instructions?"
"Ah yes, good point—"
Most of the Writers were giggling now at the possibility, and Kay Erik got rather incensed.
"Cease this ridiculous tangential conversation at once and attend to me!" he shouted, stomping his foot. They turned to look at him. "Fa!" he said.
This only made the Writers laugh harder. Nobody noticed Patrick Raoul finally pull himself up out of the lake and drag himself a few feet, gasping in oxygen and, what with his mouth being so close to the ground, a lot of dust, too. He spat it back out, gagging, and looking quite a bit like he did in the last scene of the movie when he was tied with a punjab, which always makes the more cruelly-inclined of us giggle. Nobody even noticed Stalker Erik deliver a surreptitious kick to his ribs, which would also make the more cruelly-inclined of us giggle.
"Fa! Fa!" said Kay Erik vehemently. "Stop laughing at me! I want to know what that man meant by it!" He pointed a long finger at Patrick Raoul.
Everyone swung to look at him, then swung their gazes back to Kay Erik.
"What?" said Gerry Phantom, squinting at him.
"That man said 'fa' as he was diving into the lake," said Kay Erik imperiously. "I merely wished to know what he meant by it."
There was a pause, and then a long, drawn-out, "Ohhhh—" from everyone present.
"Fa," said Gerry Phantom, quietly, to himself.
"Fa—" mused Crawford Phantom, tapping at his chin.
"Fa."
"Fa?"
"Fa," assured Kay Erik. "What did he mean by it?"
By now the Writers had pretty much gotten hold of themselves and EriksAngel1870 ventured forward to say, "I think I know—"
The Eriks swung their thoughtful gazes on her.
"He was starting to say 'father.'"
"Father?" repeated Gerry Erik, rubbing his chin slowly. The stage makeup that was covering the cleft in his chin began to come off and he ceased hurriedly.
"Father, yes. Raoul was saying the lines from the graveyard scene—" EriksAngel1870 looked back for support from the rest of the Writers, and they nodded encouragement.
"The graveyard scene?" murmured Kay Erik.
"Well, it went like this—" broke in Adison, standing forward and clearing her throat. She composed herself for a moment and then broke into a very creditable impersonation of Patrick Raoul. "Christine!" she screamed. "Whatever you believe, this man— this THING! is NOT YOUR FATHER! Christine—" The impersonation then degenerated into some feminine yelping, flippings of an imaginary ponytail, and repeated yells of, "I'm a girl! I'm a girl!" as she went a bit overboard. However, the point had been made.
Kay Erik turned slowly on the two musical Phantoms.
"You led her to believe that you were her father?" he said. His tone boded ill for them should they say yes.
"Um— no?" said Crawford Phantom, wisely.
"Well— yes," said Gerry Phantom, truthfully. "Yes, yes we did. I mean, at least in my version she should have been able to figure it out— the amount of touching that went on should have tipped her off that something was— a bit— odd about this father-daughter relationship, but then Christine has never really been known for her intelligence. Have you, Christine?" he asked, turning to Emmy Christine, who gazed wide-eyed at him, somehow not having noticed the fact that her other love-interest, Patrick Raoul, was sprawled on the ground a few feet away.
"Intelligence?" she said, frantically.
"Yes, that's alright," said Gerry Phantom, wrapping an arm around her whilst simultaneously winking at Genn, who glared at him.
"Intelligence," said Emmy Christine, as though making a mental note. Her eyes wandered wildly over the room before suddenly lighting like a pair of startled butterflies on the prone form of Patrick Raoul. "Oh nooo!" she cried, and fainted dead away. Gerry Phantom was forced to catch her in both arms.
"Actually," said Willow Rose thoughtfully, wrinkling her forehead, "Emmy Christine would appear to be quite intelligent, in very specialized ways."
Looking at her sprawled in Gerry Phantom's tender hold, the other Writers couldn't help but agree.
The sodden bulk that was Patrick Raoul now began to move itself, though heretofore it had remained inert, creating the hope that he was, in fact, dead. Most of the Christines still remained in the kitchen with the muffin-baking PH Phantom, Emmy Christine had fainted dead away, Brightman Christine too was asleep in a heap on the floor, which left it up to sparklyscorpion, as official Raoul Protector, to go to him and try to help him to his feet.
He nearly fainted when he made it, and saw before his eyes all the different Phantoms, staring at him malevolently.
Gerry Phantom came quite close, a small smile on his lips.
"Good evening, monsieur," he said.
A small whimper escaped Patrick Raoul's lips, and he closed his eyes. Even sparklyscorpion found this apparent total lack of courage rather discouraging to her Raoul-attachment— but The Maiden Amorisa, who two chapters ago had been flinging herself at Stalker Erik and had subsequently been gone psycho on when he just couldn't stand it any more, decided that it was kind of cute.
"Ooh," she said, "love."
"What?" said ChristineX, turning a disbelieving look on her.
"Love," said The Maiden Amorisa happily. "I am in love with Patrick Raoul, yes I am."
"You have got to be kidding me," muttered EmailyGirl, in utter disbelief that anyone would take Raoul over the Phantom. Especially these particular versions.
"I wonder if he's easily seduce-able," said The Maiden Amorisa musingly. She decided to find out, and began her advance.
"Christine!" said Patrick Raoul, suddenly seeing Christine where she lay on the ground, having been placed in an uncomfortable-looking position by Gerry Phantom when he lay her down. He tried to run to her but Gerry Phantom stood in his way, and when Gerry Phantom stands in the way, the way is undeniably stood in, in no uncertain terms.
"Have you hurt her?" Patrick Raoul said in what he thought was a harsh voice. The Eriks thought, universally, that they had heard harsher voices from small kittens.
Gerry Phantom glared at him.
"Of course I haven't hurt her!" he said, outraged.
"Oh?" said Patrick Raoul. "Oh— that's okay then." He then attended to the next order of business, which was his hair. He glanced at sparklyscorpion. "Got a mirror, by chance?"
"Me?" said sparklyscorpion, understandably startled. She glanced around at all the Eriks. "No."
"I do!" came a voice from the crowd. "Oh, I do, I do!" The Maiden Amorisa fought her way the front and held a mirror out to Patrick Raoul. There was a startled roar as the mirror caught the light, a roar not unlike that of an enraged lion who has repeatedly tried to set the recording time on its VCR and can't get the hang of it, causing it to miss yet another re-run of "Who's The Boss?" The roar came, however, not from a technologically-frustrated lion, but from the crowd of Eriks, who began to surge past their keepers and race for the mirror, undoubtedly to smash it to oblivion. Mirrors are not good things to show to physically-disfigured, mirror-scarred phantoms, especially when most of them are already berserk with rage as it is.
The Maiden Amorisa got a bit tangled in the crowd. No doubt she loved every moment of it, but when the carnage was over, the mirror lay in tiny slivers on the ground, and from the wreckage a lone hand lifted and a small voice called out, "Medic!"
Eventually the Eriks got separated once again into the movie versions, stage versions, book-and-phic versions, and the three remaining Main Eriks, Leroux Erik still screaming threats and obscenities at the barricade to the Raouls, most of whom were crying now. Various impositions were tossed back and forth between the groups of Phic Writers—
"Can't you keep your Eriks penned up?"
"Our Eriks are more insane than your Eriks!"
"Are you kidding? You have the easy job!"
"Well, our Eriks are cuter, anyway!"
"What? That is so not true!"
"Whatever— losers—"
This last was called to the Writers who guarded the Main Eriks. Mandy caught it and gritted her teeth, turning to the Eriks.
"Phantom— Erik— one of you—"
Stalker Erik stood forward expectantly but she gave him a glare.
"Not you— one of you, punjab them, would you?"
"Yes, please," murmured Kay Erik eagerly.
"No!" said YoukoElfMaiden. "No carnage among our own kind. We decided that before we came."
"Oh yeah? What do you call that?" Mandy pointed at the small heap of clothes and flesh on the ground that was The Maiden Amorisa.
"I could use a hand up," called The Maiden Amorisa forlornly. "And some hot chocolate— and a bath— and a rubber ducky— and—"
"Vengeance?" broke in Mandy. "Want some vengeance?"
"Actually, I was thinking aspirin—"
"Oh, come on," said Librarian of the Deep to a few of the Writers, and they stood forward and lifted The Maiden Amorisa up, preparing to cart her towards the bedroom. She reached out and grabbed Patrick Raoul's sleeve.
"Come with me," she said.
Patrick Raoul looked down at her in some consternation.
"What?" he said.
"Come with me." She gave him the big-pleading-eyes look. "Puh-leeeeeze?"
"Go with her," said Mandy shortly. "Its your fault she's in this condition, anyway."
"Condition?" said The Maiden Amorisa, struggling to lift her head. "What condition?"
"Poor kid," muttered Celtic Heart to Adison. "Getting her head stomped on by all the Eriks completely messed up her mind."
"Oh, is that what did it?" muttered Adison back.
"If you hadn't asked for that bloody mirror—" Mandy went on to Patrick Raoul, who still looked somewhat bewildered.
"But— what am I supposed to do?'
"Just sit with her. She needs a companion."
"But—"
"Come on," called The Maiden Amorisa as she was carried towards the bedroom. "You can help give me my sponge-bath." She giggled.
Patrick Raoul looked very uncertain, but the clinch was put on it by Killthefop saying suddenly, "You know, if you stay here, sooner or later all us Writers are just going to— let the Eriks do whatever they want— there's only so long you can control a phantom, you know—"
Patrick Raoul blanched, casting a look at Kay Erik, who was glaring at him balefully, Crawford Phantom, who fixed a benign and disturbing smile on a point in midair somewhere above his left shoulder, Gerry Phantom who gave him a snarl, and Stalker Erik who made a horrific face at him and then collapsed into laughter at his own cleverness. This was the final straw.
"Alright," said Patrick Raoul, bracing himself bravely.
Sparklyscorpion began to shoo him away towards the bedroom, glad to her charge safely locked away, out of the reach of the blood-thirsty Eriks— and, if it came to that, the blood-thirsty Writers. However, she realized as she closed the door on him, there was now nothing to keep him out of the reach of The Maiden Amorisa.
"Ah well," she muttered to herself as she turned from the door. "What's the worst that could happen— assault with a friendly weapon?"
That was the last they heard from Patrick Raoul for a while, apart from some dying screams.
Pink Haze Phantom poked his head out of the kitchen.
"Muffins are ready," he said pleasantly.
