Chapter 10
"It's a good thing," Random went on at length, "that I finally showed up, because to be perfectly honest you guys were making a mess of this phic. A glorious mess, a well-reviewed and popular mess, but a mess nonetheless." She twisted a strand of hair around her finger. "I'm not saying that my presence will help clear things up," she added, "but at least now I'll be able to enjoy things firsthand. Speaking of which—"
Taking in a very deep breath to both calm and encourage herself, she walked first to Kay Erik, then Leroux Erik, then to Crawford Phantom, removing their masks as necessary and pressing a kiss to each cheek. She was humming to herself quietly and had to keep suppressing giggles— the rest of the Writers watched her in dumbfounded bafflement as she went. Finally she reached Gerry Phantom, quietly asked for a leg up from Stalker Erik, and, upon receiving it, put her arms around Gerry Phantom's neck and kissed him for about five minutes. On finally coming up for air, she smiled cheerfully, gestured to Stalker Erik that he could put her down now, and folded her arms and looked smug at the other Writers.
"Ah, come on, you know you always wanted to do that."
"Sure," said Mandy, finally closing her mouth, "but we never did—"
"Kind of a waste, isn't it? To write a story, make yourself be in it along with your favourite fictional characters, and then not take advantage of it? I mean, even The Maiden Amorisa knew better than that. Admittedly, she got off with the wrong guy, in my opinion, but I suppose every dog must have his day, regardless of whether they have a ponytail or not. And look at Stalker Erik over here— he knew what to do with a good thing when he saw one. Suddenly you can make things happen— why not blow up a fop?"
"I still think that was mean," piped up sparklyscorpion.
"Well, can't be helped now," said Random genially. "So— you guys are starting to regret the nine chapters you've spent here without really doing anything, aren't you?" There were slow nods from every single one of the Writers. Random nodded herself, and tipped her head to one side and gave a slow grin. "Right then. Now that I've brought it to your attention— you have ten minutes before I stop anything from happening. Aaaaand—" she checked her watch, " go."
The Writers stared at her blankly.
"But—" they said.
"Go, go," urged Random. "Ten minutes, I said. Nine and thirty-five seconds, now. Twenty-five seconds with any of the Eriks is not something to be sneezed at. Or coughed at. Not something to have any bodily function practiced at, is what I'm trying to say."
Most of them had gotten the point by now, and were frantically trying to tear the Eriks away from each other. Sarah Crawford remained behind, trying to figure it out.
"But," she said.
Random looked at her with a bit of impatience. "Look, you've got a better chance of doing whatever you want than anyone else. Nobody else wants Crawford Phantom."
"But—"
"Go! Go! Live! Be young! Sow wild oats while the sun shines! Let now not be the winter of your discontent! Practice free-fallin'! Spread your wings and fly, fly away! Play golf in the nude! Anything! Take advantage of your opportunity to—"
"Tea!" said Sarah Crawford, finally breaking into Random's spiel. "I just want to have tea with Crawford Phantom. That's all."
Random stared at her for a minute.
"Well— of course. I knew that. Of course. Dear Sarah Crawford, you may have as long as you like to take tea with Crawford Phantom. All the time in the world. I'm sure he'll be pleased," she added. "After Brightman Christine, any female would come as a relief."
Sarah Crawford thanked her breathlessly and went off to take tea with Crawford Phantom. Random looked around at her handiwork and saw that it was good. She chuckled fiendishly and sat down next to Stalker Erik, who looked bored.
"No Christine for you?"
"Thank you, no," said Stalker Erik.
"Huh. And The Maiden Amorisa is still in the bedroom with Raoul?"
Stalker Erik dragged a hand over his face and then fixed a stern glare on Random's innocent smile. "Why do those two questions follow each other, may I ask?"
"No reason, no reason." Random checked her watch and drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. Even with platform shoes she barely reached five feet, and she looked for all the world like an inoffensive, unworldly twelve-year-old, not at all like someone who was likely to jump up and start shouting numbers for no apparent reason, which is what she did.
"Five and fifty three!" she said loudly, then sat back down.
Activities in the lair went somewhat faster now, as no one had managed to corner an Erik on their own, with the exception of Sarah Crawford, and sparklyscorpion who had managed to capture the Robert Englund Phantom and was explaining to him, in no uncertain terms, why "slasher" Phantoms were her favourites.
A bit later Random bounced back up again.
"Four even!"
The majority of the Writers had managed to land kisses on their favourite Phantoms, but there was clearly not going to be enough time to take things any further than that. Random chuckled fiendishly as she sat back down.
Stalker Erik shook his head at her.
"You enjoy torturing them like this, don't you?" he said.
"Thoroughly," said Random with an evil smile.
"You sicken me."
"That's nice, dear."
And not too much later, it was all over. As Random procured a whistle and blew it, the Eriks suddenly stopped being compliant with whatever was going on and began roaring and reaching for their punjabs. Random put a stop to that, too, neatly erasing from their minds everything that had gone on in those past ten minutes— except for Crawford Phantom, who was still taking tea and muffins and genially talking about the weather with Sarah Crawford.
"Gather round, please," called Random loudly, and most of the Writers obeyed. The bedroom door creaked open and The Maiden Amorisa emerged, smiling happily and closing the door behind her. She made her way to the rest of the group, who had gathered around to listen and make fun of Random.
"Okay. So, you discovered— finally— that you could make certain things happen by writing them that way. All well and good— behold the power of fiction and all that— took you long enough. Now that you know, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lay down some ground rules. No making the Eriks do anything that would compromise their personality. Leave the men alone, as far as that goes. Obviously, these Eriks who have spent their lives underneath the Opera House— depending on which version you're taking as a for instance— and only loved Christine Daae, are not going to drop everything and sleep with the first Phan-Phic Writer who looks cross-eyed at them. Though why looking cross-eyed at someone should particularly turn anyone on I don't know—"
"Its 'look twice,'" said Hoshi.
"What?" said Random.
"Its 'anyone who looks twice,' not, 'anyone who looks cross-eyed.'"
Random glared at her. "I hate being corrected when I'm trying to be amusingly non sequitur-ish! You shut up! You are the audience, I am the author— I outrank you!"
"You stole that from "The Producers," called Adison laconically.
"Who said that!" snapped Random. "Who? Who said that? Well, I'm going to find out who said it, people, and when I do— when I do—" She pointed a quivering finger at them, now highly irritated. "When I do, someone, namely— whoever said that, isn't going to be very happy!"
"Sorry," ventured YoukoElfMaiden, "but did you have a point, a minute or two ago?"
Random took a deep breath. "Right. My point— my point is— I've forgotten what my point was. It happens a lot. Look, just don't do anything that I wouldn't do." She paused and looked worried— clearly this wasn't a very punishing constriction to put on them. "Don't do anything I'd feel embarrassed to show to my mother, okay? How's that?"
There was a chorus of groans from the Writers. Random looked inordinately pleased.
"Clearly, you got the message. Oh. One more thing. Not too long from now, someone— I won't say who— is going to write something drastic in the spirit of revenge, and then the Raouls are going to break loose, and there's going to be a battle, which I won't tell you the outcome of, and then there's going to be a hostage situation of sorts, followed by the possibility of a pool party." She stopped talking and looked quizzically at them. "Is that too much information?"
Stalker Erik raised his hand. "Would it be too much," he began, "to ask why this whole thing got started? I mean, why put all the Eriks together in one lair in the first place? And then, for God's sake, why follow them with all the Christines? Not to mention us— it just doesn't seem— sane, somehow."
"Well, that's easily taken care of," said Random with a shrug. "It isn't sane. Why, are you not enjoying yourself?"
"Oh, no, not at all, I'm having a ball. Two, in fact. Look, Random, can't I— hey!" Suddenly enraged, Stalker Erik turned on The Maiden Amorisa, who for the past five minutes had been standing behind him with a blissful expression on her face. "Stop pinching me! You are interrupting my narrative flow!"
She kept the daft smile, and he had to slap her hand away as she reached for him again. He turned an infuriated glance on Random.
"This is your fault!"
Random shrugged. "She paid me, buster. Big bucks."
He thought about this for a minute, and then reached for his wallet. A smile drifted onto Random's face and she stood up straight and took notice.
"That's right, baby— hand it over— got to make this writing gig pay somehow." She chuckled gleefully as she pocketed the bills. "Alright. What form shall your revenge take, my good man?"
Stalker Erik thought about this for a good long time and then, with an evil smile, leaned down to whisper his devilish commands in Random's ear.
It took a while.
When finally he pulled away she shook her head. "Sorry. That's my bad ear. This—" she pointed at her other ear. "This is the good one."
He gave a small sigh and crossed to the other side, and whispered again, a bit louder this time. Random listened with a vague smile. When he stepped back she turned a grin on him.
"Nope, I was wrong— it's the other one after all."
The process was repeated, with a frustrated sigh escaping Stalker Erik.
"Nope, still didn't get it."
He did it again, louder.
"Nope."
Louder.
"Nnnnope."
Louder.
"Uh-uh."
Shouting.
"I WANT TO HOLD HER UNDER THE LAKE FOR AN HOUR AND THEN MAKE HER GET MARRIED TO THE FOP AND THEN DROP HER OFF A PLANE AND THEN PUNJAB HER AND THEN—"
"Gah!" said Random, twisting a finger in her ear, "you don't have to shout. I'm not deaf, you know."
"Hey, does anybody have chapstick?" said The Maiden Amorisa brightly, apparently completely oblivious to the Erik-induced threat to her life. Stalker Erik, looking ready to give up entirely, dug in his pocket and produced a slim cylindrical object, which he handed to her. "Thanks!" she said, giving him a bright and cheerful grin, and walked off, applying it.
He turned back to Random with a world-weary smile.
"Well, I lost a good glue-stick," he said, "but I gained a few hours of silence."
Random grinned at him, and turned to make her goodbyes.
"Goodbye, Eriks— see you later— goodbye Writers— Mandy, we should make more writing deals sometime— Adison, the world's greatest PR agent— Hoshi and Renee17 and the rest of my minions, you are great minions, and very good with the shoes, and the carrot cake, and the Gerry— Killthefop, keep up the good work— the rest of you— Erik—" She motioned Stalker Erik to bend down, and planted a fond kiss on his forehead. "Greatest pretend husband on earth. Or on PFN, anyway. At least I think you are. I've never belonged to anyone else's harem, though, so I don't have a way to compare and I could be mistaken. Okay, gang, hate to run so quick but, y'know, busy life and all that—" She faced the lair at large and wiggled her fingers at them all, giving a last grin. "Enjoy the rest of the phic! Oh, and give me lots of reviews! You all owe me!"
She pulled out her notebook and scribbled a few lines on it, and in a puff of flame and smoke, she was gone.
Her voice drifted to them from somewhere over their heads.
"Behold the power of fiction—" it intoned eerily, and then she giggled like mad. "Man, I love doing this."
A/N: I thought I had something intelligent to say, but apparently I don't. Um, it'd take too long to do review replies right now, I'll do them next time, but thank you all for not lynching me on the self-insertion thing. It's happened before, I got complaints, and my reaction was to kill myself off. Rather amusingly. Twice. :) A few notes... Stalker Erik now has nearly as many phangirls as Kay Erik, which is wrong. And somebody, don't remember who, asked about how the title of the last chapter fit in.
Um.
Fopcorn.
Exploding Raoul.
Got it now?
Till next time, I remain... yr obd wrtr, Rndm
