At 10:10 a.m. on Tuesday morning, the sixth years currently attending Hogwarts were sure enough at the London Airport. Almost every student look thoroughly traumatized, due in large part to the infamous Sirius Black.
The trauma had begun late last night…….
Flash back
"Remus we have a serious problem!" James yelled.
"Of course we do, he hasn't taken his medication." Remus snorted. He was carefully folding all his clothes and gently packing them into a muggle suitcase. He'd transfigured his trunk into a normal rolling suit case. They'd just come back from dinner and the entire Gryffindor tower was a frenzy of packing sixteen year olds.
"Oh ha ha." Sirius growled. "Remy this is serious!"
"Duh, who else would it be?"
"Remus!" Sirius yelled.
"Sorry, what was the problem?" Remus chuckled.
"I-uh-erm….." Sirius shuffled nervously. "Well you see I was walking around looking for some shampoo, and I just happened to stumble upon the transfiguration room and I just happened to see some big sexy hair shampoo."
"Metro." Remus coughed.
"Oh ha ha." The Gryffindor said dryly. "but I didn't see anyone with the shampoo, so i….uh…."
"You stole Professor McGonagall's big sexy hair shampoo?" The werewolf sighed, raising an eyebrow elegantly.
"Well it was more of a… borrowed without asking thing." Sirius argued. James sighed, Peter sighed, and Remus sighed. "What!"
"You never learn do you." James laughed. "Remember in third year when you saw the body lotion?" Sirius blushed and nodded. "Remember what McGonagall did when she found out?"
The blood drained out of Sirius' face. "Ops." He dashed into the common room and bellowed, "Everyone hide your condoms and tampons! We have a Code Chartreuse! I repeat, Code Chartreuse!"
Everyone screamed and dashed around, now trying to hide all their valuables in their suitcases. They didn't have time because the door was thrown open and a very angry McGonagall stormed in. "SIXTH YEARS!" She shrieked.
Every sixth year slipped into the common room and sat down quickly and quietly. Any other years streamed silently out of the tower, waving morbidly to the doomed sixth years.
"Somebody took my shampoo." The professor hissed.
Silence. "Why do you think it was one of us?" A girl asked.
"Because, It's always you! It's always been you! And it always will be you!" McGonagall yelled. Sirius grinned a little bit. He was sitting on the floor, next to Remus. James and Peter were on the couch. "Do you think this is funny Black!"
"No sir! - I mean…uh…Professor…ess." Sirius winced.
"ACCIO SUITCASES!" McGonagall shrieked. Multiple suitcases flew at her. The professor ripped them open and began to toss possessions all over the floor. She started with the girls things. A light pink lacy bra flew onto James' face.
Sirius fell into hysterical giggles while James grinned. Lily glared at him and snatched back her bra, cheeks bright pink. "Lil, you took my glasses!" James complained.
"You filthy pervert!" Lily squeaked. "Augh, you don't deserve to see."
McGonagall suddenly stood straight up, with a stingy thing dangling in her hands. All the male eyes widened, it was a thong. The Professor glared right at Lola Johnson, who was bright red. "Miss Johnson, what is this!"
Lola grinned and despite her blush spoke clearly. "It's a thong Professor."
"Why do you own a thong!"
"Well you see they're very comfortable." Lola said matter-of-factly. "They are also very useful. They eliminate visible panty lines, which are very annoying. They also are super cute and come in many different styles."
McGonagall glared, twitched, and flung the thong at Lola. She went back through the suitcases and gasped loudly. She came up from another girls suitcase, holding a small case in her hand. Inside the case, were multi colored pills.
"Candy!" Sirius yelped happily.
"Birth Control." Remus whispered.
"…Women get preg-oooooooooooh." Sirius's eyes widened suddenly.
"You dolt, how exactly do you get women to sleep with you?" Remus teased affectionately.
"With my sexy ass body." Sirius grinned.
"Oh shut up Sirius." Remus muttered.
"Why do you have birth control pills!" McGonagall screamed at Cathy, the only blonde in the Gryffindor house.
"Well would you rather I get pregnant!" Cathy shouted back. "And it's harassment to go through our personal things."
"IT'S ILLEGAL TO STEAL!" McGonagall shrieked. The enraged professor glared at them. "Now, somebody tell me where my shampoo is…."
There was not a sound.
"Fine. We'll wait here till one of you confesses." McGonagall sat down, still glaring at them.
Remus shot Sirius a pleading look, but Sirius shook his head. It took every ounce of his will power not to jump Remus right there. Sirius looked up at the clock, it was already seven. They all sat there in complete silence, and they sat in silence until the clock struck eight. They hardly noticed as the other Gryffindor's streamed back into the tower and into their dorms.
"Well?" McGonagall growled. Nobody moved, the Gryffindor's were to stubborn to just pretend one of them stole the shampoo, and Sirius was to stubborn to say it was him. "When I come back I expect to be told where my shampoo is…if one of you moves an inch, just and inch! I swear I'll…." She trailed off and stormed out.
They were silent for a few moments before Cathy glared at Sirius. "Sirius! Just confess!"
"Oh but I if I do she probably won't let me go!" Sirius wined. "C'mon you guys, we all know McGonagall. She'll come back in an hour and tell us to forget about it! She never stays mad about anything."
The other Gryffindors nodded and mumbled in agreement. "What do we do for an hour?" Lily asked.
"You've heard me say that Goblin is my double, and let me emphasize it, because the duplication of me is always perfect, ad so I've had all my life a mirror held up to me in Goblin in which I could see, if not know, myself." (1) Sirius read in his clear expressive voice. The Sixth years were gathered around him, all completely entranced by his reading of the book.
McGonagall stormed in again and glared at them. "A confession?"
Silence.
"Well then I shall look through the boys suit cases." She promptly started to attack the boys suitcases.
"Sirius did you put the shampoo in your suitcase?" Remus whispered.
"Nope. It's still upstairs." Sirius grinned.
All the suitcases had names on them, except for the marauders They hadn't actually written them yet. So McGonagall gasped and drew back form the suitcase she thought was Sirius' and she held something in front of his face. It was a little red packet. "Condoms Mr. Black!" She seethed.
Sirius regarded the condom for a moment, he was about to say 'no, this is James' condom.' But suddenly Sirius got an idea. If she thought this was his suitcase then she wouldn't think he had the shampoo! "Well would you rather me get some French girl pregnant?" Sirius asked tentatively with a small smile.
"Horny kids." McGonagall snarled. She went back through the rest of the suitcases and didn't find the shampoo. It was nine thirty when McGonagall stormed out again. Sirius sighed and re-opened the book and continued reading. By eleven they were all getting tired.
"No confession?" McGonagall sighed.
More silence.
"Well I suggest you re-pack yourselves, but if I ever find out who took that shampoo." She warned them angrily. "And if your not in the great hall tomorrow at nine then you can go with the first years to Liverpool."
They groaned. "But Professor, you said to be in the hall at ten!" Peter moaned.
"Well I changed my mind." The Professor huffed before walking out.
They all stood up and stretched, Sirius began to hum happily and repack his suitcase while the other Gryffindor's glared at him. "What?"
"You got us in this bloody mess." Lola growled.
"So you pack up our stuff." Lily finished with a smirk.
"But I don't know whose is whose!" Sirius wined.
The Gryffindor's grinned evilly and muttered a naming spell. Their names appeared on all their clothing and Sirius groaned.
"Night Siri!" Cathy giggled.
The girls skipped up the stairs and into the girls dormitory laughing.
"Remus!" Sirius moaned. "Don't leave me!"
"Sorry Siri." Remus grinned. "Sleep tight!"
The taller Gryffindor glared at the werewolf before starting to pack up all the clothes. He worked tirelessly and folded everything up. By twelve thirty he was done. Sirius yawned and walked back upstairs and slipped into the covers and rolled around until three, keeping the other three marauders awake with his constant chattering. What none of them realized was that Sirius asleep.
"James?"
"Go to sleep Sirius."
"Do you think there is a god?"
"I thought you were an atheist! James hissed.
"Well I'm just wondering….What if god's a girl?" Sirius wonder aloud.
"Sirius go to sleep!" James rolled over and miserably tried to block out his friend voice.
They didn't realize that Sirius was sleep talking until they threw him out of bed the next morning.
End Flashback
"Oh sweet Jesus!" James moaned. "What an awful night!"
"Are you referring to the McGonagall incident or the…Sirius talking in his sleep about god.?" Remus shuddered.
"Both!" James exclaimed. "Hey…Where's Sirius?"
"No lily, for the last time I will not read to you!" Sirius growled, he was walking towards the marauders, with Lola, Cathy, and Lily following him.
"Please?" Lola begged.
Sirius tossed the book to James. "Get James' ta do it."
The girls smiled at him and James fumbled with the book for a moment before opening it carefully and beginning to read to the three girls crowded at his feet.
"You don't look so good, Rem." Sirius commented dryly.
"….Sirius." Remus growled. "Still mad at you."
"I'm sorry!" Sirius moaned. He fell onto his knees in front of Remus. "I'm so sorry, Moony! Please find it in your big wolfish heart to forgive me! But honestly how was I supposed to know that portkey led to the men's washroom!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "You could have at least checked with a professor before you grabbed some random portkey."
"I thought it was a fork! A normal fork!" Sirius yelped. "How was I supposed to know it'd take us to the men's washroom!"
Remus sighed. "I forgive you…but….augh!"
Flashback
Remus had to yank his friends out of bed that morning, push them in the shower, and dry their hair for them. Honestly, and mothers complained about having to take care of their children, what about him! Did Remus complain about mothering the three? Nooooo he just was slightly abusive.
"Sirius you stupid hornball you're not supposed to brush your hair with a tooth brush!" Remus screamed.
Sirius jumped and put the tooth brush in his mouth and almost fell asleep on the spot. Remus growled angrily, and started to brush Sirius' teeth for him. "M…." Sirius said pleased
"You idiot." Remus muttered darkly. He threw clothes at the towel clad Sirius and ran into the common room and set up their bags. He ran back into the bathroom and dragged the three to their bags, and pushed them out the door and to the great hall.
"M….Is god a hermaphrodite?" Sirius murmured.
"Shut up about god!" James screamed. He noticed Professor McGonagall instructing people on how to use a portkey. The portky in this case was a fork. The students grabbed onto the fork and began disappearing. "Just grab the portkey and let's go!"
Sirius yawned, he heard McGonagall say, fork and point to a fork sitting on a stool. He didn't notice her scream. "Do not touch that fork! It will take you to an unknown place in the airport! It will also counteract this portkey and transport us all to some random location in the air port!"
"C'mon." he grabbed the fork and disappeared. Sirius didn't notice he dropped his bags as he slipped through the portkey. Remus and James followed, they left their bags with Peter because they thought they were just going to grab Sirius and yell at him to get his own bloody bag, revenge for giving them a hell night of sleep.
"Sirius what-" James started as he noticed Sirius gawking. He joined Sirius. Three Gryffindor mouths opened in horror. They were in the men's washroom…and it was packed…a plane had just let off. They all knew from rumors it was suicide to go into a men's bathroom after a plane had just let off. Generally something about the food in business class had some sort of aphrodisiac in it. Generally only one or two airline foods were like this, but these men were obviously on the infamous
The men slowly started to advance on the three boys.
"Oh god!" James moaned. "The fork! Sirius find the fork!"
But Sirius was occupied. "Back beast!" Sirius yelled, he was standing in front of Remus, protecting him from the onslaught of horny men. "Back!" James realized suddenly that Remus was very pretty for a boy. It was up to him to find the fork!
James spotted it under one of the stalls. On his hands and knees he crawled through the crowd and into the stall, he look up to see an old balding man on the toilet. James shrieked, the man shrieked and kicked the fork away, Sirius shrieked and Remus shrieked.
"Run!" Sirius yelled. He grabbed Remus' arm and pulled him through the crowd, they were suddenly confronted with a threesome of very, very tall men. "Run the other way."
"That's the same way we came from!" Remus yelled.
"The fork!" Sirius yelled, he glanced behind him. "Jamsey!"
"I got the fork!" James screamed, he ran over the sinks and grabbed Remus. They said something and left Sirius, alone, luckily with the fork.
"My bitches left me!" Sirius yelled to nobody in particular. He dashed around like a trapped rat before finally crawling under the sinks. He curled into the corner. "Uh…How do you work this thing!"
He shook the fork, banged it on a wall, in fact he even bit it, but it wouldn't take him back to Hogwarts. "Please dear god, I know I'm an atheist! But save my sexy ass!"
Suddenly Sirius was being sucked away by the fork, and then he fell onto something soft and warm. He looked down to see Lucius Malfoy. "Get off me!" Sirius yelled he scrambled off the Slytherin.
"You fell on me!" Lucius yelled back.
Sirius glared at Lucius. "My posse left me."
"Ah…I know how you feel man." Lucius sighed.
Sirius turned to come face to face with McGonagall. "YOU IDIOT!" She bellowed. "YOU DOLT! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING! I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE THE BLEEDIN FORK AND YET YOU GRAB THE BLOODY FORK!"
"And I'm completely traumatized from it!" Sirius sobbed. "Where are we?"
"WE'RE ON THE BLOODY AIRPLANE ROAD!" Remus yelled.
"Right, students together!" McGonagall yelled. "Now, forward!"
The dashed forward.
"STOP!"
They paused to let a plane drive slowly past them.
"LEFT!"
"NOW RIGHT!"
"SIRIUS I SAID RIGHT NOT LEFT YOU DOLT!"
McGonagall screamed instructions to them until they finally found a way into the airport. The traumatized students collapsed in front to their gate and sat in complete misery.
End Flashback
"Remus I am sorry." Sirius said sincerely.
Remus offered a small smile. "I know. It looks like they're boarding the plane."
Sirius picked up Remus' carry on and his own. "Do you have the ticket things?" Sirius asked.
"Of course!" Remus growled. "I have all of ours."
"What would we do without you, Remus!" James said dramatically.
"Shiver and die." Remus deadpanned.
"I wasn't thinking anything quiet so drastic, but yes, basically." James agreed.
They boarded the plane successfully, but Sirius was quickly confused by the multiple rows of seats, only Remus' careful, tender guidance kept the grim from collapsing in confusion.
Sirius finally had the hang of it after a few minutes and Remsu was very proud of him. The marauders were blocked behind a man and his family in first class.
This man was taking his merry time, putting bags up,
"Wait daddy I need my cds!" The seven year old cooed.
The father took the bag down and put it up again.
"Wait daddy I need my diskman!"
The father repeated the same routine. Sirius shot Remus an angry face, but Remus only sighed patiently.
"Wait daddy I need my head phones!"
The father got the bag from the storage compartment and offered it to the girl again. Then he put it back up. Then the father began to unload his bag, while still standing in the isle. He finally put it under the seat in front of him and then he was about to it down, when backed out into the isle and bent over to pick up the bag again. The father's butt completely hung out of his jeans. And this father was not skinny either. James slammed his hand in front of his mouth, Remus winced, and Sirius hissed.
"Can I hurt him?" Sirius mouthed to Remus, who grinned but shook his head. "Damn."
The father continued to bend over again and again to remove more items from his bag. Finally Sirius snapped. Remus sensed this and shot Sirius a pleading look. But Sirius was beyond pissed off. "Sir, can you please get out of the blood isle! The rest of us need to get on the plane!" The passengers behind Sirius cheered loudly.
"I'm in first class! I paid for these seats and I'll take my time getting in them." The man huffed angrily.
"Well at least pull up your pants then!" Remus growled loudly.
"Hey shut up pretty boy!" The man yelled. He was off his feet seconds later, and lying flat over his four first class seats, nursing the dark bruise where Sirius had punched him hard in the jaw.
"Sirius was that really necessary!" Remus yelped.
"Nobody insults my bitch!" Sirius hissed. He stormed down the isle, looking for their seat number. "Besides you don't stand up for yourself!"
"I don't feel the need to! I really don't mind." Remus stammered.
"Yeah well I do!" Sirius growled. "We're thirty four right?"
"Yeah, thirty four a,b,c,d." Remus nodded.
"I want the window seat!" James yelled, he jumped into the window seat and Peter followed him, then Remus and Sirius was left with the isle. They were seated quickly and Sirius was immediately fascinated.
"Oh Remus what's this?"
"A tray table Sirius."
"Oh….What does it do?"
"It folds down and you eat on it." Remus growled. He tried to go back to reading, but Sirius wasn't letting him go that easily.
"A safety video!" Sirius giggled.
"Yes Sirius." Remus sighed. "You get very, very bored after the first safety video."
"We're moving!" Sirius gasped. "How does it move!"
Remus sighed and slipped on a pair of head phones and continued reading.
Sirius was like a retarded fly, glancing around everywhere and touching everything. "What's this?" The Gryffindor asked, petting something soft in front of him.
"That's my head you idiot!" The guy yelled.
"Woops." Sirius blushed and James laughed. Suddenly the plane started to shake and Sirius started to hop nervously in the seat. "Armageddon!" Sirius shrieked as the plane started to take flight. "The sky is falling!"
Remus sighed and rolled his eyes. It was going to be a long flight.
A/N: lol I know I didn't add in the quote from the last chapter in this one, but I'll ad them in next chapter, promise!
