A/N: I know, I know. I'm supposed to be writing the chapter….but I was reading JOHNNY THE HOMOCIDLE MANIAC! So now I can't concentrate. So I am starting a new hobby, I call them spoofs. Right now I cannot focus on what this story is actually supposed to be, so here is a SPOOF!
Disclaimed: Don't own Harry Potter or JOHNNY THE HOMOCIDAL MANIAC, if I did, would be making money selling comics and Remus and Sirius would be screwing like rabbits…muahahah…
SIRIUS THE HOMOCIDAL MANIAC!
In France…..
Starring the extremely sexy, REMUS LUPIN!
And the also very sexy, JAMES POTTER!
And also starring the not so sexy Peter Pettigrew….
Remus yawned. "James I'm bored." The three teens were sitting in their hotel room en la gay Paris. It was a school field trip.
"Let's go hunting!" Peter suggested.
"Nahhhh." James and Remus shrugged.
"Let's go walk around like aimless teenagers!" Remus exclaimed.
"YAY!"
Five minutes later, walking around like animless teenagers. Remus sighed. "This is no fun!"
"Jez Remus you're so hard to please." James rolled his eyes.
"We're in France! Imagine what we could do! What mischief we could cause! We could act like Americans and drive the French people out of their minds with our offensive political ideas and we could quote their president!" Peter cried.
Remus and James starred at Peter like he had antlers growing out of his head. "Didn't we do that yesterday?" Remus asked suddenly.
"No yesterday we spent the day at the coffee place ordering Mocha lattes and yelling that they gave us chocolate instead." James said matter of factly.
"Hm….But they didn't even serve chocolate lattes…." Remus pondered.
"Ponder, Ponder, ponder, ponder!" Peter giggled, skipping around his two taller, sexier friends.
"Oh!" Remus yelled. He pointed to a man crossing the street. The man had longish spiky black hair and big, wild blue eyes. He was wearing tall buckled up boots, bondage pants, and a trench coat. The man was also extrememly pale"….Is that a penguin?"
"….Are you insane?" James deadpanned.
"No….See….the black…and the white?" Remus tried to explain. "Hah….er….guess it's a person?"
"…two days ago a penguin started to follow me."
All three boys looked up and shrieked. The pale gothic man was standing right in front of them.
"It wouldn't leave me alone! I knew! I knew it was following me! I yelled at it, but it still followed me! It kept taunting me! But I knew it was following me! It's here! Now! I know! The stupid bloody penguin!" The man screamed.
Peter fainted, James was speechless, and Remus meeped.
"Did the penguin send you!" The man screamed.
"….mew…" Was all James could mutter.
"Ah….The cat sent you!"
"We're just walking Mr.!" Remus yelled. "Give us a break!"
"….I see." The man said, he glanced around. "My name is Sirius…but you can call me Siri, and you are?"
"Mew?" James winced.
"No, I know that." Sirius said, waving a hand dismissively.
"Er….Remus?" Remus stammered, a faint blush rising on his cheeks.
"Indeed….pretty name." Sirius said softly. "I will see you again Remus."
"Dude." James finally gasped. "What a weirdo!"
"…James I wouldn't insult him." Remus twitched. "I swear I saw a blood stain on his coat."
James handled the situation remarkably well. He fainted.
The next day James had decided to sneak into a concert and he brought Remus with him. It was some German rock band who was touring Europe.
"This sucks." James sighed. The two were amid a mob of screaming fans. The fans were jumping and screaming, and trying to dance.
"Cha…." Remus agreed.
"Let's pretend it's English!" James yelled.
"WOOHOOO!" Remus screamed. In moments they were up and jumping and dancing with the other fans. He tossed off is sweater and grooved. Suddenly a pair of strong arms wrapped around his shoulders. Remus looked back and saw Sirius. "WOAH!" Remus yelled.
"Hello Reeeeeemus." Sirius smiled.
"That's not how you fucking say hello!" Remus yelled.
"That's a good way to say fucking hello?" Sirius screamed back, still laughing.
"Stop misunderstanding me!" Remus bellowed.
"….No."
Remus glared at Sirius and dashed into the mash pit. He was standing there nervously before a really freakishly fat guy banged into him. Remus yelled in outrage and then banged back into the freakishly fat guy. Suddenly another guy bumped into the small blonde and Remus was all over the place, bumping into other guys.
Suddenly he bumped into something very, very hard. He looked up and saw a very tall, heavily muscled man glaring down at him. "Are you trying to insinuate that I'm a homosexual!" The man screamed.
"meep."
The man was about to hit Remus with one of his massive fists when suddenly something big and leathery knocked him out of the way. In seconds Remus was lying at the edge of the mash pit with Sirius on top of him, smiling contentedly. "Stalker!" Remus yelled.
"But you're so fun to follow!" Sirius giggled.
"Psycho." Remus muttered.
"Why yes I am!" Sirius laughed. He bent over and kissed Remus suddenly. Remus gasped and his eyes flew open. But he had to admit…it wasn't a bad kiss. No not bad at all. He found himself sinking into the kiss when suddenly Sirius pulled away. "I'll see you again, Remus." Sirius promised before disappearing.
Remus sat up, touching his lips lightly. I've shared my fist homosexual kiss with a complete psycho stalker…Hm…a sexy psycho stalker.
"There is a mass murderer in Paris! I repeat if you are in Paris, don't go anywhere alone, don't kick the seat in front of you at the movie theaters, or insult any Goths! The mass murderer dresses in black and looks like this!" The reporter said.
An image of a badly sketched penguin flashed on screen.
"Beware anyone who speaks of penguins!" The reporter said with a smile. "In other news, in a recent study woolen gloves are better for anorexics!"
James flipped of the tv. "What a load of crap! I was anorexic once, woolen gloves only made me feel fatter!"
"James you've never been aneroxic…in fact you've never even owned a pair of woolen gloves." Remus said pointedly. He got of the bed suddenly. "I'm going out!"
"Where?" Peter yawned.
"Looking for a psychotic stalker with a penguin following him." Remus said quickly.
"Wha?" James asked.
"…A hooker." Remus growled before slipping out the door. He wondered the streets and into a small dark alley, looking for Sirius. Remus sighed and stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets, he looked behind him nervously. There was a man in…pink standing there.
Remus shuddered and started to walk away very quickly. He saw the man in pink was starting to walk faster. The small blonde started to run. The man in pink also ran. Remus broke into a sprint, frantically trying to escape the pink man. He turned a sharp corner and suddenly ran face first into a brick wall.
A hand slammed into the wall next to his head. Remus' eyes flew open. He looked behind himself and saw the man in pink with a strange sadistic smile on his lips. "Uh….No…I'm not interesting in buying anything, but thanks anyway! Ahahahah" Remus laughed nervously.
"Hello…..Anne."
"Er…My names Remus."
"Don't lie Annie…I know you want me."
"What you just said was politically incorrect on so many levels…" Remus rolled his eyes.
"Oh I love you boobs."
"I don't have boobs! I'm a guy!"
"oh."
"yah." Remus growled. "Can I go?"
"Nah, I do guys too, cutie pie."
"I'm not gay!" Remus cried indignantly.
"Eh, your to pretty to be straight." The pink man shrugged.
"Not gay!" Remus yelled.
Suddenly someone punched the man in pink who fell unconscious to the alley floor. Then the new man, dressed all in black tied the man in pink up in dental floss. The man in black stood up and Remus found himself face to face with Sirius. "You okay?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah….I um…I came out looking for you." Remus said, blushing.
"Didn't you just loudly exclaim you weren't gay?" Sirius smirked.
"Well…..Maybe not gay." Remus smirked. "but perhaps Bi?"
"I love you!" Sirius yelled.
"I love you too!" Remus laughed.
They exchanged a passionate kiss. Sirius smiled and took Remus hand. The dark haired man moved his fingers so they were interlaced with Remus'. In his other hand Sirius was dragging the man in pink along. Remus looked back and gasped. Waddling behind them was a penguin…Sirius was right…there was actually a penguin following him.
Sirius glared at the penguin. "Bloody bugger won't leave me alone. What? You didn't believe me?"
"No." Remus gasped.
"I'll name him Squee. He can be your new personal slave." Sirius shrugged.
Remus couldn't argue with having his own penguin slave. Who could?
The End
Or at least the closest to the end we'll get in this small installment of
SIRIUS THE HOMOCIDICAL MANIAC!
A/N: I know, I know I'm on crack, next chapter'll be up soon thought, I already started writing it. So reviews? What'd ya think of my spoof?
