Pearlyblue: Okay, team. Let's give the readers a good parody of a really bad disclaimer, shall we?
Ladybug: Oohh… Pearl, what was a "dysclammer", again?
Pearlyblue: *Deep sigh* It's a note at the head of the fic where you basically say that you don't intend to steal the original author's characters/ideas/world for your own profit. It's the polite thing to do, to credit the one who thought up the original story.
Ladybug: *Nods* Oh yeah. Ladybug remembers now.
Pearlyblue: Good. Okay, bad disclaimer in three… two… one.
Wakko: *Clears throat* "The Weird Ones no ownie Berserk… except for me, I own Guts, Griffith, Judeau, Pippin, Caska and Charlotte – they are my sex slaves and I keep them locked up in my basement." *frowns at the script in her hand* "MWUAHAHAHAHAAA… !!!!11111!!!" …Pearl, is that supposed to be there? Those are ridiculously many exclamation marks, and what the fu** is up with those 'one's?
Pearlyblue: Yes, that's supposed to be there. Parody, remember? Ladybug, it's your turn.
Ladybug: Oh! Um… "And o…" …owe… wee… we. We! "We also own Sylvia, who is a combination of all of us! Only sparklier! Tee hee! Does the peace sign." Huh?
Pearlyblue: No, no, no, you were supposed to do the peace sign, like this: *does the peace sign* You were not supposed to SAY "Does the peace sign"!
Ladybug: *Looks at script again* Oh. *blushes* Ladybug is sorry.
Pearlyblue: *Sighs*It's okay, never mind. Hrm, "But since we've said that we no ownie Berserk (someone else does, but we can't be bothered to remember who), nobody can sue us, so nyah! *sticks tongue out*" Okay, that's a wrap. Good work, girls!
Wakko: *Burns her script* Whatever. Now let's do it properly.
Pearlyblue: Yes, let's: The Weird Ones wishes to thank Kentarou Miura for writing and drawing the incredible manga "Berserk", which inspired us to write this parody. We apologise if it is in any way offensive to Miura-sama, but like to stress that we do not in any way intend to make a profit out of the use of any of his characters – this is entirely for fun.
Ladybug: We are really nice people, really! And Wakko, too – She really doesn't have Guts tied up in her basement, at all!
Wakko: *Sighs wistfully* Only in my dreams.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Chapter three: Sylvia reveals some secrets.


Judeau leaned back against some crates just outside of Caska's tent and let out a long breath.

You are a bad man, Judeau, he silently scolded himself. A bad, bad man. You should feel ashamed of yourself, and not… damn it, that was embarrassing!

A grin threatened to break out on his face.

…Though, this has to be my lucky day – in about five minutes, I got to see the two most beautiful women I've ever…

He mentally slapped himself.

Stop that! You're not some damn teenager anymore! You're a grown man – act mature, for crying out loud! It. Was. Embarrassing! Twice!

…Yep. Twice… And it was beautifu-

He began to whistle quietly to himself.

"So…" Sylvia's melodious, cheerful voice finally startled him out of his dilemma. "Where are we going to go now?"

"Ah, Lady Sylvia!" He smiled as un-guiltily as he could. "How does the clothes fit?"

Sylvia turned around in front of him and tugged a little at the simple tunic. Behind her, Caska stepped out, looking about as cheerful as a dark cloud on a stormy day.

"Well, it's a little bit loose around the waist," Sylvia said, giving the fabric another light tug, "And a little tight around the chest. But otherwise, both the shirt and the pants are just perfect!" She turned back to the now actively fuming Caska and smiled most brightly. "Thank you so much, Caska! You're the best!"

Before the dark-haired woman had a chance to explode, Judeau intervened, pushing Sylvia back and out of harm's way.

"I think we should get going, Lady Sylvia," he said to her, urging the confused beauty on a few more steps. "If you just wait here for a few seconds, there is one more thing I have to talk to Caska about. I'll be right with you."

"Ohh…" Sylvia smiled knowingly at him and winked. "In private, I see. Don't worry, I'll stay right here. Take your time."

Judeau wasn't quite sure of how he should react to that, so he just smiled politely and turned back towards Caska. He noted that the dark woman's hands were balled up into really tight fists and trembling with barely restrained rage. Sylvia's last comment had apparently pushed a few too many buttons – Caska looked just about ready to kill someone. A certain, golden-red haired someone.

He gave her his most placating smile and leaned in closer, whispering quietly:

"As I think you've already understood, Caska, Lady Sylvia is not… quite sane. She must have had some kind of accident, maybe she hit her head or something, but, among other things, she thinks she's a half demon… so don't judge her too harshly."

Caska's dark, fiery eyes bore into his with a very sarcastic look to them.

"Really? She's insane? I didn't notice." Then she looked over his shoulder at Sylvia and her eyes darkened even further. "That's no excuse, though, to be so… downright rude!" she hissed, "Loose around the waist, huh? Tight around the chest? That's just…!"

Judeau carefully placed a calming hand on her arm. "Really, Caska, I don't think she meant it like that. She's confused, you know, I really believe that she was only answering my question about how they fit, that's all."

Still glaring at Sylvia over his shoulder, she shrugged his hand off and growled, "Yeah, whatever." Then she abruptly turned away and disappeared into her tent.

Well, Judeau thought to himself, that could have gone a lot worse. He turned back to Sylvia, only to find her staring in awe up at the sky. Warily following her gaze, he found nothing special to look at.

"Lady Sylvia…? What are you…"

"It's so incredible!" she blurted, "The sky's so… blue! And look at those adorable, white, fluffy little clouds! I didn't notice that before, that's amazing! So pretty!"

She looked down at him with her odd-coloured eyes sparkling with amazement. "Is it like this often?" she asked, almost breathlessly.

Judeau fell back in his 'don't try to expect the unexpected' mode and smiled brightly.

"Yes, this is how it usually looks… when it's not raining. Then it's mostly grey with clouds." He gently took her arm. "Shall we?"

She began following him, but turned her face up at the sky again and murmured absently:

"Wow… it's so different from the sky back home… so pretty… so blue… I wish mom could see this… but she would probably hate it, though."

Judeau threw a quick glance down at her and gave a small shake of his head.

I'm not even gonna ask…

After a while, though, Sylvia seemed to have had her fill of staring at the blue sky and she looked back at him again with that knowledgeable little glint in her eye.

"By the way, Judeau, that's a really cute girlfriend you've got. You look really cute together!"

Judeau's heart seemed to skip a beat or two and he immediately turned to her, pulling her to a sudden halt. "What are you talking about?"

She blinked her large, almond-shaped eyes at him in confusion. "You and Caska…? I mean, it's obvious how much you love her…"

"She's not my girlfriend," he said, hushing her with as subtle hand-gestures as he could manage and nervously glancing around at the nearby tents, "And I'm not in love with her."

Her face screwed up in an adorable little frown.

"Uhh… hello? Who do you think you're fooling?" Then her eyes went very wide and she gave a small gasp. "Ohhh, okay, I see… It's a secret relationship!" She winked at him again and let him push her in a little further away from the main tent area. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, I promise. But you know, you should really try to hide it better."

"I thought I was," he murmured quietly, casting quick glances back over his shoulder. "I don't think anyone else ever noticed before…"

"They haven't?" Sylvia sounded honestly surprised, and Judeau inwardly cursed himself for underestimating her hearing. "What are they, stupid? Or just completely clueless?"

He paused, acceptably certain that they were out of immediate earshot of the others, and studied her thoughtfully for a moment. He let out a small, exasperated puff of breath.

"I don't know," he admitted, and emphasised his points with a decisive finger, "But it doesn't matter, and you mustn't tell anyone!"

"But… I already told you that I wouldn't…" she said, again blinking in confusion. He sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose and forced himself to calm down even more. Then he smiled at her and continued in a gentler and more confidential tone of voice:

"No, Lady Sylvia… I mean that you must not tell anyone about what you think you saw back there… not even – no, especially not Caska."

"Mmbut… isn't she… in on it…?"

"No. No, she's not."

Sylvia's eyes immediately took on an excited sparkle and she almost started bouncing again.

"Oh, how cuuute!! You've only just fallen for her, and you haven't gone after her yet! Oh god that's so sweet – new crushes are so adorable…"

"Er, no, not really…" he tried, but Sylvia continued, unperturbed:

"Oh, is there something I can do? Anything? Because I just think these love-things are so totally adorable…"

"No, Lady Sylvia, please listen…"

"Ooh, I could, like, cook you a romantic dinner, set it up in some private spot… just the two of you, and moonlight and candles…"

"Sylvia! Please! Let me speak!"

"Hm? Okay."

He blinked at her sudden, attentive silence, and then gathered himself up again.

"It's like this," he began, "I've been in love with Caska for many years now, yes, but I've never acted on it, and I never will. The reason is very simple: I'm not the man she wants, she's hopelessly in love with Griffith."

Sylvia's face screwed up in another cute little grimace.

"What? That girly… Errr… I mean…" She looked away and frowned thoughtfully for a moment. "Are you trying to tell me that she's… into girls?"

"No, Lady Sylvia, Griffith is a man, remember?"

"Yeah, but he's so…" She made a small, uncertain sound. "…you know…?"

Judeau shook his head.

"No. I really don't. In fact, you are the only woman I've ever met who's seen Griffith and not been thoroughly impressed with him. That goes for guys, too… in a slightly different way, though."

"Really? But… but you're so much cuter!"

Judeau sighed. "Well, thank you for that… but you must still be the only one who thinks I've got anything on Griffith…"

"Nonsense, you have lovely eyes, cute little freckles, a really nice butt and I bet you've got quite the body underneath them clothes…"

Judeau felt his face flush bright red and let out a short, rather silly-sounding laugh, resisting an impulse to cover himself with his hands.

"Thank you, Lady Sylvia, but I don't think that's really appropriate, you know… someone might get the wrong idea…"

Sylvia blinked her big, innocent eyes at him. "Like what? It's just the simple truth…" then she seemed to catch on. "Oh… Oh, no, Judeau, I didn't mean to say that I… um… no, I mean, you're cute and all, but you're not really my type. Besides, I know how much you're into Caska and all. No. I didn't mean to flirt. I just don't always think before I speak… I'm sorry."

"No harm done," he reassured her, battling the furious blush as best he could. "No harm done."

Sylvia's face lit up with another brilliant smile. "Really? You're so nice… I feel like I'm just making a fool out of myself every time I open my mouth… And it's not helping at all that I know hardly anything about humans and their behaviour." She took him shyly by the arms and looked up into his face with pleading eyes. "Judeau, will you help me? Please? Will you tell me when I'm about to say or do something really stupid?"

With that flawless, beautiful face staring up into his like that, how could he possibly refuse?

"Okay, Lady Sylvia." He smiled. "I promise I'll help you, to the best of my abilities."

She brightened up again and hugged him tightly.

"Oh thank you! You are so sweet! You're the first friend I've made in this strange place, and probably the bestest, ever!"

Judeau took a deep breath to get his voice under proper control before he answered:

"Thank you… thanks. You're welcome."

She released him, still smiling as brightly as a summer sunrise.

"And since you've been so nice to me, and since you're going to help me, I am going to help you, too." She patted him conspiratorially on the shoulder and winked again. "Don't worry, I'll help you get your Caska."

The urgency with which he'd pulled her aside returned abruptly and in renewed force.

"Uh, no, Lady Sylvia, I don't think you…"

"Heeyy, Judeau," a deep, gleeful voice interrupted them. Turning around to face its owner, Judeau saw a small group of five burly men approaching them slowly, deliberately, already splitting up to form a semi-circle of sorts around the two of them. Judeau recognised these guys, they were notorious troublemakers – the kind of mercenary you didn't really want to have to trust your life with. The kind of guys who gave mercenaries like the Hawks a bad name.

The biggest of them, a blond man named John, if Judeau remembered correctly, spoke again, purposefully drawling:

"Why don't you share what you got there?"

Judeau felt his pulse rise slightly and smoothly placed himself in front of Sylvia. He smiled amiably and hooked one hand behind his neck, for quicker access to his throwing knives.

"Come on, guys," he said cheerfully, "let's be gentlemen about this."

None of the brutes seemed worried, and a few of them begun to grin wolfishly. He could feel them sizing him up and knew that he was not in a favourable position. He might be able to take two or three of them out before they were upon him, but once they were… they had size, strength, and still numbers to their advantage. This could get ugly – and painful.

"Oh, don't worry, Mr. Scout commander," John said with a widening grin. "We're gonna treat the lady real nice."

Sylvia peeked out at the approaching men from behind Judeau. "What? What's going on? What do they want?"

"Come over here, and I'll show you," another one of the guys growled lustfully.

Sylvia hesitated, and Judeau took the opportunity to play his final and best card for a peaceful solution:

"Griffith doesn't want any harm to come to her, you understand?"

John just grinned at him and let his eyes travel down what he could see of Sylvia's body. "Now, now… Griffith won't have to know. We just want to play a little with her, that's all, and we're gonna be so gentle…"

To his initial surprise, Judeau felt Sylvia's small, delicate hand grip his shoulder and gently but firmly shove him aside. With rising panic, he watched her as if paralysed as she calmly walked over to come face-to-face with John.

"So…" she said curiously, seeming completely unaware of the danger she was putting herself in, "This 'playing' you're talking about… that wouldn't happen to be anything like mating, would it?"

John leered down at her and threw a quick glance over at Judeau.

"See? She's in on it." He looked her up and down again. "Aren't you, babe?"

Sylvia cutely cocked her head to the side. "And if I'm not?"

"Don't worry, babe, you will be."

"Now let's see if I've got this straight," Sylvia said, "You want to mate with me, and even if I don't want to, you're going to force yourselves on me, is that it?"

By way of response, John reached out and grabbed one of her breasts, wrapping his other arm around the small of her back. One of the other guys quickly moved in from the side, reaching out to grab her wrists.

Judeau finally managed to shake his paralysis off and had three knives in his hand in a heartbeat. When he was about to fling them at their targets, he had to stop again. Something was very wrong about the positions of the targets – they had been hoisted up into the air a feet or so.

It took him another instant to realise that Sylvia's hands were around their throats, and that she was the one who kept their feet dangling above the ground.

"Now listen here, gentlemen," Sylvia began calmly, no strain evident in her voice, "That is no way to treat a woman. A woman's body is her own business and nobody else's, and she chooses for herself who gets to touch it or whom she wants to mate with. If you try to force a woman to mate with you, you are being very, very bad – and you have only yourselves to blame if she tears your throat out. Right?"

The two big, heavy men struggled vainly against her grip, trying to pry her hands open, kicking against her legs, but to no avail. Sylvia stood as steady as a rock, and didn't wait for either of them to answer her.

"Now, I trust that you are really sorry for what you just did, and that you won't do anything like that to anyone ever again – because if you do…" The two men turned a few shades more blue and had to stop struggling as she squeezed their throats tighter. "I won't be as nice and friendly about it next time. Do you understand?"

Her tone of voice had not changed one bit since she'd lifted them, and it seemed only that much more menacing in its calm reasonability – especially since not a single thing the two men had done had brought even the slightest strain or hitch to it.

The other three thugs had already made themselves scarce, but Judeau slowly moved up next to Sylvia, hesitantly reaching out to nudge her on the shoulder.

"You know…" he heard himself say in a rather dazed voice, "…You're strangling them. They're going to die soon if you don't let them down…"

She gave him a serious, sideways glance.

"I know. If you'll just let me finish this, I'll release them before they die. Do you mind?"

He raised his hands defensively and shook his head, backing off a few steps. Sylvia turned back to the two purple-faced thugs.

"Have you been listening to what I've said?"

They made an effort to nod, their eyes bulging.

"So, have you understood?"

They nodded again, eagerly. Sylvia gave a small sigh, drawling patiently:

"And what won't you ever do again…?"

After several weak efforts, John finally managed to croak:

"Take… a woman… who doesn't want to…"

Sylvia grinned brightly and immediately released the two, letting them tumble heavily to the ground.

"Good!" she chirped. "I'm glad we had this little talk." Then she turned her bright smile on Judeau. "Shall we go?"

Still feeling a little shell-shocked, he merely nodded and gestured her in the direction they had been going before. She happily skipped on ahead, and when he passed by the two coughing, wheezing men on the ground, Judeau stopped briefly.

"You know," he said as they looked up at him, "Nobody's going to believe you, if you tell them. And they're not going to believe me – so just this once, I'm going to pretend like this didn't happen."

They just stared dumbly at him, and he leaned down a little closer towards them, gathered up his scattered thoughts and lowered his voice to a more confidential hush.

"However, I really think she meant what she said. I wouldn't try to 'play' with another reluctant woman, if I were you. I certainly won't be held responsible for the consequences."

Then he hurried in between the tents to catch up with Sylvia.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ To be continued…

Pearlyblue: And again, I have good news! We have gotten more positive reviews!
Ladybug: *Blushes* Er… Pearl…
Pearlyblue: Not right now, we've gotta thank our reviewers…
Ladybug: But Pearl… it's about the reviwerers… erm… *mumbles something in a very, very small voice*
Pearlyblue: *Leans closer to Ladybug* What was that?
Ladybug: *Beet red* La… Ladybug reviwered the fic. "Me" is Ladybug. *Turns teary-eyed* Ladybug is very sorry, Pearl! Very, very sorry!
Pearlyblue: Oh, well… *blushes a little* …That's okay, Ladybug. It's no big thing.
Ladybug: *Sniffles* Really? Oh, Pearly is the best!! *Hugs Pearlyblue tightly*
Pearlyblue: *Choked* S'okay… no biggie… no problem… *cough*
Wakko: *Appears out of thin air* I wouldn't think you'd think so, Pearl… what with that review left by "Blue Pearl" and all…
Ladybug: Huh?
Pearlyblue: *Hisses* Oh, shut up, "Wakkofan"!
Ladybug: What are you talking about?
Wakko: *Winks at Pearlyblue* Oh, nothing. Let's thank our reviewers, shall we?
Ladybug: Yaay!
Pearlyblue: *Glares at Wakko* Yeah. The Weird ones wishes to thank Niclas… *clears throat* …Blue Pearl, Wakkofan, er… "Me"…
Ladybug: *Blushes again*
Pearlyblue:… sailorgaav and Thunder Mistress for their great reviews. Sailorgaav – Thank you for enjoying the Rickert part, and stay tuned to find out who the mysterious "Hot One" is! *dun dun duuunnn*.
Wakko: Thunder Mistress – Happy holidays to you too, and yes, we know about Charlotte. I find her a total airhead, but her naïve innocence is actually kind of sexy… *coughs* Erm, yeah… So, where did you see Griffith running around naked? *Brings out a lasso* I want details… *licks chops*