Pearlyblue: Oh yes, before we start this chapter, there's a little something I would like to get off my chest. *Puts glasses on* See, this is a parody. Many of the things we say or let happen in the story are meant to be only for fun, and hopefully often the opposite of what one might expect from a serious Mary-Sue. Parody, okay? *Gets a little irate* Which means, among other things, that when we say "We're giving you an example of what review-whoring looks like" we're not actually review whoring! We weren't asking for five reviews – nor fifty-seven and a half reviews – before we were going to post this chapter!
Wakko: Okay, Pearl, take a deep breath… now let it out slowly… and moan…
Pearlyblue: WAKKO!
Wakko: Okay, yeah, sorry. I was just trying to help… *Grins* …But seriously, calm down. I think the people got that – they're just playing along, y'know? *Takes Pearlyblue by the shoulders and start leading her away*
Pearlyblue: Maybe so, yes, but I still felt that it needed to be said, okay?!
Wakko: *Patpats comfortingly* Yes, yes, it's okay… It's okay… You just need a nice, warm cup of tea right now… and a good shag.
Pearlyblue: *Sputters*

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Chapter six: Sylvia heartbroken.

"What, Griffith? What is it? What's so important?" Corkus demanded, as forcefully as he dared, as he followed Griffith around the cooking tent. The pale, aristocratic man ignored him, however, until they had the big, spacious tent well between themselves and the party in the meadow. Then he turned around, blue eyes serious, to face Corkus.

"It's about Lady Sylvia," he said calmly. "I couldn't help but notice that you were… quite taken with her."

"Yeah." Corkus grinned, leaning closer to Griffith for emphasis: "Have you seen her?"

"Yes, she is a very attractive woman… and that is part of the problem."

"Huh? What problem?"

Griffith heaved a light sigh and stepped closer to Corkus. When he was almost right under Corkus' nose, he looked up with eyes so stern that the hook-nosed mercenary involuntarily took half a step back. "Listen closely, Corkus: You have to stay away from Lady Sylvia."

Corkus felt as though he'd taken a blow to the stomach. He immediately reacted with anger.

"What?" he hissed, but was immediately interrupted by Griffith's still impeccably calm voice:

"First of all, I know that it seems as though she is taken in by you as well, but I must still ask you to refuse any advances she might make. You see, she is not in her right mind."

Corkus glowered angrily down at his commander, crossing his arms over his chest with a huff.

"Who cares? With a body like that, I don't fucking care if she so thinks she's a horse!" He almost acidly added 'And why do you think she's crazy, anyway? Because she liked me?' but was luckily enough interrupted again.

"Maybe you don't care, Corkus, but I'm quite sure that her noble family would. She has been separated from them – probably through some accident or ambush, because when we found her, she had torn clothes and had been bleeding – And it is our duty to return her to where she belongs. Unharmed."

Corkus anger froze in cold realisation. Of course. He should have known. Guys like him just didn't get that lucky.

Griffith stepped away from Corkus, but kept his blue eyes locked on the stunned man.

"Just think of it, Corkus," he said in a gentle, reasonable voice, "and I'm sure you will see reason. What if Lady Sylvia returns to her loving family… pregnant? That would reflect badly on the entire Band of the Hawk… And I don't think I would be able to save your skin if, or when, the Lady were to tell her caretakers which man had put her in that precarious situation."

Corkus looked up at Griffith and tried to swallow with his suddenly parched mouth, rubbing his throat as if he could already feel the noose tighten.

"Yeah," he croaked. "I'd be hanged. For sure."

Griffith regarded him with a compassionate little smile on his face.

"You understand my concern, don't you?"

Corkus looked away, still feeling chilled and numb, grunting, "Yeah." Then he sighed and grinned insincerely at the ground.

"She was way out of my league anyway, wasn't she?"

Griffith walked up to him and patted his shoulder. "I'm glad you could see reason, Corkus. Let's rejoin the others."

"Nah," Corkus muttered, not feeling very enthusiastic at the thought of going back to the gorgeous woman he knew was waiting for him, knowing that he would have to be a complete jerk towards her – and probably get stared at and scorned by his comrades like never before. "I think I'll just shove off to bed."

Griffith watched Corkus' slumped figure walk away in among the crowded tents, thumbs firmly tucked in under his belt, and occasionally kicking at the ground. It gave Griffith an odd sense of satisfaction to see this, but he didn't let it show as he turned back to the feast.

* * *

Sylvia eagerly glanced around for any sign of Corkus, when Griffith calmly came striding back. Everyone else had returned to their food and their conversations, but she had not managed to eat a single bite. She was idly poking around in her food and occasionally squirming in her seat.

As Griffith sat down again, she waited for a moment, gazing off into the deepening dusk, before she tentatively spoke up:

"Er… Sir Griffith…?"

Griffith turned to her with an amiable smile. "My Lady?"

"Er… where… did Mr. Corkus go?"

"I am afraid that he had to attend to some pressing business elsewhere."

At hearing that, Sylvia wilted like a flower, hanging her head and disappointedly gazing down into her own lap. "Oh," she mumbled quietly. "Well, I guess it was important…"

With a small, sad sigh, Sylvia then moved her chair back to her previous position between Griffith and Judeau, sitting there and sighing to herself while doodling hearts in the spilt wine.

Judeau couldn't help himself: He leaned back, suppressing the irrational urge to hug Sylvia until she smiled again, and grinned at Caska.

"So," he murmured, indicating the absent-minded Sylvia. "Do you still think that she's my girlfriend?"

Caska glanced between the two of them, before leaning in towards him and whispering:

"I do believe that she's insane."

Judeau just shook his head with a quiet laughter. Then Sylvia apparently decided to try to cheer up. She reached out for a rich brown, creamy pastry that nobody so far had been able to recognise, much less dared to taste, and broke off a small piece.

"So, Sir Griffith," she said, holding the piece up to Griffith's mouth, "Have you tried this creamy chocolate cake, yet? It's very good, I swear!"

Griffith's eyebrows both flew up, and he opened his mouth to speak, but Sylvia immediately took the opportunity to push the small piece of cake into his mouth.

"Isn't it?" she asked perkily, licking the crumbs off her fingers. Again just a little bit too late, Judeau tapped Sylvia's shoulder.

"That's right, Lady Sylvia, I meant to talk to you about that… tasting… thing."

Sylvia turned to Judeau, curious. "Hm? What?"

"Well…" He tried to consider the company, and Sylvia's obvious innocence, and tried to figure out a way to say what needed to be said without embarrassing her or himself too much. "It's like this… do you remember that little talk we had about complimenting people…"

Sylvia blushed a little. "…Yes…"

"Well… letting someone… taste something off of your finger… is actually quite the invitation."

Sylvia's eyes boggled incredulously. "You can't be gosh-darn serious!! What about that is in any way an invitation?!"

"Well… it just is, okay? Take my word for it?"

Sylvia's voice dropped to an angry hiss: "You people are so totally obsessive, aren't you? Give me one good reason why that could in any way be an invitation!"

Judeau sighed and felt a blush coming on. "All right… okay… well…" he cleared his throat and glanced around for help, but everyone within earshot – Caska, Griffith and Guts – were watching with keen interest.

"All right. Let me put it like this… in what other… intimate situation… does a long object…" Caska was trying to stifle her giggles behind him, and amusement played in Griffith's blue eyes. Guts was grinning widely. Judeau blushed and cleared his throat again. "…enter… a wet place?"

Caska had to leave her chair for a moment, shaking with silent laughter as she staggered away. Rickert followed her with a confused gaze. Guts gave a long snort and leaned back, out of Judeau's sight.

There was even a hint of laughter in Griffith's voice as the white-haired man said: "Well put, Judeau." – And took a deep swig of wine to hide his wide smile.

Sylvia blinked in innocent confusion at Judeau's furiously red face for a few moments, and then her eyes grew very big. Blushing almost as intensely as Judeau, she pressed her delicate hands against her cheeks and gasped.

"Oh – My – GAWD!" Her eyes narrowed and she shook an admonishing finger at Judeau. "You… you… you… PEOPLE! I can't… I can't BELIEVE this! That is so… pervy!" Then she buried her burning face in her hands again, whimpering, "Ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh, what have I been DOING?!" She glanced up at Griffith and hid behind her hands again. "Ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh…" When she finally managed to collect herself, she took a deep breath and turned to Griffith – without looking up.

"I'm so, so sorry, Sir Griffith. I didn't mean… that." She pointed over her shoulder at Judeau, who was rubbing his face with his hands and seemed not to have the slightest inclination to look up again. Ever. "What he said. I was just trying to be nice, really. I'm really, really sorry."

Griffith was still fighting off his laughter, so it was not hard to smile at the remorseful woman.

"It is quite alright, Lady Sylvia. I didn't think that of you, anyway."

She deepened a little in colour. "Thank you," she mumbled. "Thank you very much." Then she buried her face in her hands again and whined to herself. "I did it to Corkuuuss! Oh GOD… and to Jud…" She abruptly turned back to the scout, who was still hiding behind his hands. "I did that to you all the time while we were cooking! Why didn't you say something!"

Judeau finally looked up again, and his face had not lost any colour. "I tried, Lady Sylvia! You never gave me a chance to speak!"

"Then you should have tried harder!"

"I did try, Lady Sylvia! You wouldn't listen!"

"You should have made me listen!"

Judeau just groaned and buried his face in his hands again.

* * *

After dinner, Sylvia packed a basket of leftovers – and there were plenty of leftovers, even though almost every single soldier had eaten more than his fill – and wove her way in between the tents, muttering an embarrassed mantra to herself:

"…I am very sorry… didn't mean to… please don't hate me…"

When she reached the tent she had been looking for, she stopped and took a deep breath to try to calm her racing heart. Then she tentatively leaned forward a little.

"Mr. Corkus…?"

Corkus heart jumped when he heard the sweet, hesitant voice right outside his tent, and suddenly his thoughts were very far from the paperwork (a few requisitions and reports) that he'd been trying to get done. His first impulse was to try to smooth down his hair and the front of his shirt, but then he remembered and let his hands drop again. He leaned back and sighed heavily, trying to make his voice sound as forbidding and annoyed as possible:

"What?"

"Um… It's me… Sylvia…" She cleared her throat. "Remember me?"

Corkus closed his eyes. As if he could forget. "I'm busy."

"Er, well… I… you left dinner before you'd… you know… had a chance to eat properly… er… so I… thought I'd bring you… a few leftovers. Hrm. Can… can I come in?"

Corkus gathered himself and was just about ready to send her off, when his stomach gave him a loud reminder of how little he had eaten that evening. And that food had looked so incredibly good, just the memory of it made his mouth water…

"Like I said, I'm busy. Just leave the food and go."

"O-okay…" He didn't turn around as he heard the soft rustle of the tent flap and she entered his tent. She hesitantly walked up to him, and he desperately tried to focus on the paper before him.

…Must re- requ- requess…

She stopped right behind him and her scent swept in over him, along with the enticing smell of food. God… damn!

He scowled at the report and tried not to breathe through his nose, whispering quietly to himself in an attempt to better focus on the words.

"Re- request… ten… nee- nev- new… new sv- sworr- swords…"

"I'll… I'll just put this here, then," Sylvia mumbled quietly, leaning in past him to place the alluring basket on the table next to him. It smelled heavenly. She smelled better – and one of her silky, red locks fell down and brushed against his arm, sending strange but not unpleasant shivers down his spine.

God… damn!

It took all his self control to grunt:

"Yeah, that's okay," as if he couldn't care less. Sylvia pulled back again, but didn't leave.

"…And… trrr- tree- three… nee- new… hooor- horrrss…" Sylvia was fidgeting. Corkus let his frustration out – slammed his fist into the table and growled, still not looking at her:

"Is there anything else you want?"

She made a small sound of fear and took one step back, but still didn't leave. "We- well, I- I… I wanted to… I just… I didn't…" She took a deep breath. "I'm very sorry about what I did at dinner – It's just that I come from a place with a bit of a different culture… and I didn't know that you were joking when you asked me to sit on your lap and… and…" She cleared her throat again and continued in a quieter voice, "I didn't know… what it actually meant when… er… I did the… the finger thing. I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you, or insulted you or something…"

Corkus buried his face in his palms and rubbed it. Not only was she drop-dead gorgeous, it turned out that she was all innocent and sweet, too – He caught another whiff from the food-basket – And she could cook!

…And she was interested in him. Maybe… maybe it would actually be worth risking the gallows… Maybe…

No! No, nothing was worth risking the gallows for. Not even this – and besides, had she not been crazy, she would never have gone for a guy like him… she could have anyone… and she would probably realise that soon enough, anyway.

Of course she would have to be crazy. A crazy noblewoman. Just his damned luck!

Sylvia's voice had dropped even further, and was now hardly more than a whisper:

"So… I hope you don't… hate me or anything. Hrm. I just wanted to apologise."

"Whatever." He took a deep breath and set his face in a stern scowl, finally turning around to face her. This was going to be so damn hard. Possibly the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.

"Listen," he said, making sure his voice didn't shift from annoyance and harshness, "I don't hate you. In fact, I couldn't care less about you. You cling to me like you think you're something, and you're not. You're nothing but annoying, and in the way – get it?" He leaned closer to her, trying to imagine that he was riding into battle – just plunge in and be as vicious as you can, and maybe, just maybe, you'll be alive at the end of the day.

"Get out of my tent," he hissed, "I have important work to do. Stop bothering me."

Sylvia looked absolutely stunned for a moment, and didn't even breathe. He couldn't look at her, at the hurt in those big, beautiful eyes, so he turned back to his stupid paperwork with a disdainful snort. He heard her pull one shallow, shaky breath before she spoke – with a very cold voice, completely devoid of all cheerfulness:

"I see, Mr. Corkus. I'm so sorry to have bothered you." And with a soft rustle of fabric, she was gone.

Corkus sat perfectly still for a moment that seemed like half an eternity, staring stupidly down at the report without really seeing it. He hadn't ever felt this disgusted with himself, before.

With careful deliberation, he lifted his head higher and brought it down against the table with a heavy thud.

Why me? Why does this shit always happen to me? Why can't I ever get a break?

He turned his head and studied the food-basket. Funnily enough, he didn't feel so hungry anymore – but he still sat up and removed the red-and-yellow kerchief that had been draped over it and took a look inside. Mostly to have something else to think about.

There was a small skin of wine, a couple of chicken legs, potatoes, vegetables, grapes, a small flask of sauce, a piece of some weird-but-tasty-looking pastry, and what appeared to be a fist-sized, golden ball. When he picked that last item up to study it more closely, he noticed a small, yellowish piece of paper at the bottom.

Setting the ball aside, he picked the paper up with a strange sense of trepidation and begun to decipher the red scribbles on it.

"To… Corkus… tee- thee- the moss- most hann- handsomm- handsome… man… I've… ever… seen."

He definitely didn't have any appetite left. He put the note back in the basket and put the kerchief on top of it.

…damn.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ To be continued…

Ladybug: WAAAAAAAHHH!!! *Spouting tears like a manga-fountain* LADYBUG DOESN'T LIKE THIIIIIS!!
Wakko: *Cradling Ladybug against her ample chest* There, there… *turns a reproachful glare on Pearlyblue* Now look what you've done!
Pearlyblue: *Flustered* But we need this! It brings the story forward! Every Mary-Sue has some angst in it!
Ladybug: No we don't need 'angst'! *Weeps* Why can't everyone just be happy and sparkly and hug each other all day forever and always?!
Pearlyblue: Because then there wouldn't be a story, Ladybug, try to understand…
Ladybug: No! Ladybug doesn't want to understand! 'Angst' is evil! Waaaaaahh!!
Wakko: *Hugs Ladybug closer* Let the poor little girl be, Pearl. Don't be so evil.
Pearlyblue: *Growls* Will you stop that? You know we need this! You're just taking the chance to cop a feel or five! Stop undermining me, and stop thinking with your libido!
Wakko: *Grins* There's another way to think?
Pearlyblue: *Glowers*
Wakko: Okay, okay, fine. Listen, Ladybug, the next chapter will be better, okay? Nicer and sparklier and everything, okay?
Ladybug: *Looks up with huge, watery, trembling manga eyes, lower lip trembling too* …Promise?
Wakko and Pearlyblue: Yes, we promise.
Ladybug: *Dries tears* Okay… *Perks up* Then let's do the reviewerer responses! Can Ladybug start? Please? Pleasepleaseplease??
Wakko and Pearlyblue: Ehhh… okaayy…
Ladybug: Yay! Okay, gundamgirl66… um… But what if Sylvia likes Corkus? She's just Judeau's friend… and Judeau… loves Caska… right? Pearl? Wakko?
Wakko: Yes, he wants to hum… he likes Caska, yes. At least that's what it looked like in the anime… *Shrugs* we could be wrong. *Picks the next reviewer* Okay, my turn! Ah, Thunder Mistress. *reads* "…keep telling yourself that…" *Looks up at audience* Shut up. And Judeau… in a… *Makes a weird facial expression* …bra? Only a bra? Ew… his boobs are way too small for that… ew, not sexy at all…
Pearlyblue: *Green eyes begin to glow, Pale blue hair stands on end, claws begin to extend* Is she mocking the freckled one?
Wakko and Ladybug: Uh-ohh…
Demon Pearlyblue: Nobody mocks the freckled one!
Wakko: FANGIRL INTERVENTION! *Body-slams Demon Pearlyblue to the ground, pinning her* A little help here! Ladybug! Get the demon restraining chains!
Ladybug: Okay. *Pulls demon-chains from her bag* Here.
Wakko: How did you…? Ah, nevermind. *Restrains Demon Pearlyblue* You need to calm down, okay? She was just joking, god d*mn it… *pauses* Why can I still not say d*mn?! For f*ck's sake, Corkus just said it, up there! Look!
Ladybug: *Hugglesnuggles Demon Pearlyblue* S'Okay, Pearl. Nobody's mocking anyone. *Starts singing lullaby*
Wakko: *Sighs* Fer fog's sake, Pearl, you're an embarrassment to fangirls everywhere. Get a hold of yourself.
Pearlyblue:*Powers down, glowers* But she was…
Ladybug: No, it's okay… here, have a reviewsie. It'll cheer you up! Have all the rest!
Wakko: Heeeey…
Pearlyblue: *Takes deep breath* Okay. All right. *Clears throat* magical-flyingdragon… cool pen name. *smiles* Thank you for your review, and for enjoying the story. We hope you keep reading! – Oh, Vitellio! Nice to see a good, long review from you! Funny idea, with Sylvia showing up in the Berserk future… we might be able to work with that… *grins* – Finally, Niclas. We're… er… glad that you feel we can pull this off without carbonating… Or something… *smiles at the audience for a while, then turns to Ladybug and Wakko* Can you take these chains off of me now? I'm calm…
Wakko: Sure. Key, Ladybug?
Ladybug: *Blinks and blushes* Errrrr… hehe… um… Ladybug kinda lent the key to Pikachu.
Wakko: WHAT?
Pearlyblue: YOU DID WHAT?
Ladybug: *Edges away* Er… he liked how it sparkled after Ladybug had fixed it up…
Wakko: But it was MINE! Get it BACK!
Ladybug: Eep! *Runs away*
Wakko: ..... *Turns to Pearlyblue* *Grins* Y'know, since you're tied up and everything… and we're all alone…
*Zoom out, beyond atmosphere, solar system and galaxy*
Pearlyblue: Noooooooooooooooo!!!