Rated PG-13 for some mild violence... actually, some heavy violence.
The 2nd Summerschool at Hogwarts
"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts—I mean, another summer, of course." Ron stood with the other students, staring up at the new summer headmaster. She had black hair, and black clothes—she looked like she was in mourning. But it was very obvious she wasn't, when you saw the evil look in her eye. Ron braced himself for a new, evil-filled summer.
"My name is Professor Deatheata. I will be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, since the one from last summer… had something else to do."
Ron smiled, remembering the taste of Prof. Vodomote's neck. He had bitten it last year, ridding the world of the worst wizard of all time.
"The thing Prof. Vodomote had to do was… she wanted to start teaching Potions! Here are all the teachers now!"
Ron's heart sank to the bottom of his feet, which were clad in mismatched shoes. How could Vodomote be back? But there he was, smiling his girly, pink smile. And Tiger wouldn't even be there to protect him! Ron's mum had forbid it. (Actually, she needed Tiger to catch the gnomes in the garden. But she didn't tell Ron that!)
Vodomote was wearing a huge, poofy pink dress, as usual. She stood with an assortment of other teachers—more than usual, to accommodate the larger group of students. There must have been ten!
"I won't bother introducing all the teachers. There are too many. So, you will meet them when you get to their classes!" Deatheata said cheerfully. "Now I'm tired of talking, so Vodomote will split you up!"
Vodomote stepped down, grinning profusely. "Ronald! Good to see you're back… I'll put you with this little girl. I'm sure you will become the very best of friends." Ron was attached to a little first year, who looked to be about three years old. "They start early, don't they? Now you two will be with Professor Blackhair. She teaches senses."
"Senses! I already know my senses!" Ron complained.
"Well, then you'll learn some new ones."
Alive: 11 Dead: 0
Professor Nitwit taught the class How To Be Dumb. She had two students that period (and all of them), which were both girls: a tall, blonde, tan third year and a tiny fairy of unknown age.
"Fairy girl! What is a good way to be stupid?"
"I'm not a fairy!" the girl protested. "I'm a pixie! I'm Pixie Poopoo from the show!"
"Fine. What is a good way to be stupid?" Nitwit asked again. She looked pretty stupid herself, wearing a suit that belonged to a man.
"Well, you could jump out a window…"
This was cut off by Nitwit screaming at the top of her lungs, "A DEATH EATER! A DEATH EATER!" She and Pixie Poopoo began running around the room in panic, and then finally jumping out the window into the lake blow.
"Funny," said the remaining girl, whose name was Skirty. "All I see is broccoli."
Alive: 10 Dead: 1
Meanwhile, down in the great hall, Deatheata was teaching her class. "There is only one thing I need to tell you: Only Harry Potter can kill the Dark Lord Voldemort." She ignored the winces on her two students' faces as she said the dreaded name. "That is all. You can go now, class is dismissed."
Alive: 10 Dead: 1
Meanwhile again, Vodomote stood down in the dungeons before a small, trembling girl. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" he demanded.
"I-I said I was la-lactose intolerant," stammered the cute little girl.
"YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS INSUBORDINATION!" screamed the teacher. "Okay, class has begun. You! Pixie girl!"
He shouted to a seventh year that was wearing a skirt made of flower petals, but was over five feet tall. "I'm not a pixie! I'm a fairy! And being lactose intolerant is not against the rules."
"WHO CARES? NOW DRINK THIS!" He gave the little girl a glass of something white… that looked suspiciously like milk. "It might turn you into a rabbit. And you, fairy, you get this." The second glass contained an orange liquid that was smoking and had a sandy smell.
Both girls did as they were told. The younger girl broke out in hives, sneezes, stomach flu, and malaria all at once. The older girl stood there… nothing happened.
"Oh, so poison has no effect on you?" Vodomote said suspiciously.
"Duh, no! I'm a fairy, remember!"
"Well, at least I got rid of one!" He threw back his head and laughed the patented evil laugh. Even thought it wasn't a very good joke.
Alive: 9 Dead: 2
Meanwhile once again, Professor Track jumped up and down in a running suit. "All right! Are we ready to get fit?" she said enthusiastically to her students.
"Uh, sure."
"Then here's some chainsaws for you! Just cut off your head, whenever you feel ready!"
"Chainsaws? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I won't say anymore.
Alive: 7 Dead: 4
"Alrighty then! Let's get started!" Professor Manager stood in front of a white horse, holding the reins. "There's only one way to become a manager—and the horse decides. Simply stand in behind the horse, and he will tell you if you can become a manager or not."
The first student stepped up. The horse kicked, and the student went flying. "Nope!" Manager called. "Not a good match!"
The second student was next… with the same result. "No good!"
Manager stood behind the horse next. "Am I really a manager?"
The horse kicked… Manager went flying… and landed flat on his back. "Why am I not dead? Oh, yeah! It's because I'm wearing a steel undershirt!"
Alive: 5 Dead: 6
"Ok, class! Welcome to senses, with me, Professor Blackhair!"
"I already know all the senses," Ron complained again.
"Well, then let's test them." She took out a huge jar of peanut butter and spooned it all into his mouth.
"Augh! Ah gaunt braut!"
"Just swallow it, sweetie. Now for you, little girl." Blackhair opened a small box labeled, "PANTYHOSE." But there was no pantyhose in there. It was the contents of a pig barn that hadn't been mucked in several years, with pigs slaughtered inside. The girl smelled it, and choked.
"Ok, Ron! Classes are over for today. Lets go back to the great hall, shall we?"
Alive: 4 Dead: 7
"Hmm," said Vodomote in a falsely confused voice. "Why do we have less students?"
"Because you plotted to murder them!" Ron yelled. "You're Voldemort, that's why!"
There was a collective gasp from the other three students. Deatheata looked panicked. "Um, children? Children! You three come with me. I think we should let Ron and Vodomote have a, um, private conversation."
She ushered the others to the other side of the great hall, and pulled something out of her purse. "I have treats for you all!"
It was three lollypops, all a sickly orange color and smoking slightly…. "Try them! I made them in Potions class."
"Has Professor Snape approved?" Skirty asked.
"Oh, don't worry about him. He's in bed."
"Well, I don't want one. You can have mine."
"Now don't be difficult, little—"
Suddenly, the other two students who had been licking the lollypops suddenly exploded. Skirty broke off into a run.
"No! Come back here!"
Alive: 2 Dead: 9
"Ron, you know what happens to slithering little wretched like you?" Voldemort asked, as soon as the others left. "They get detentions. LUNCH DETENTIONS!"
Suddenly, he was knocked over by a mass of curly, blonde hair and tan skin. "Skirty!" Ron yelled. "Get out of the way!"
The girl jumped up, and Ron dove down. He opened his mouth and bit Vodomote's neck, leaving him on the floor.
Seeing this, Deatheata fled out the window. She was never seen again…. Actually, she was. Later.
Anyways… "Ron!" Skirty cried, hugging him. "You're my hero!"
"Aww, I couldn't have done it without you knocking him over!"
"Vodomote's a "her," not a "him.""
"But Voldemort's a "he." Oh, who cares? I'll explain later. For now, let's get back to my house!"
So Ron and Skirty walked into the sunset, the defeaters of Voldemort. Again.
Alive: Ron and Skirty! Dead: A whole bunch of students!
Several days later, Ron got a letter back from Harry: "YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND? But what about Hermione? OMG! RON…"
The end
This one wasn't as good. All the violence isn't really my style. Blame Allandra, it was really her idea. Anyways, the fourth one is pretty good, when I get to it.
