A/N: I don't want this story to end, which it would have to, after this chapter. So, I thought to myself at some point along/about/around/after/against/by/beneath/below/down/during et. al. prepositions my sixteenth birthday, why don't I just prolong it? So I think I will! Just for you, because I love you all, and because I have had 100 reviews! ONE HUNDRED! And this story's almost two years old! Ehehe. throws confetti and tap dances like a crazy person Who wants to make my babies?
… tumbleweed rolls by …
Alright then. Anyway, I decided to do a segment I like to call "A Day In The Life Of". I shall bring up characters, and let them show you where they live, where they shop, what they like to eat, etc. After all, you've always wondered where the 21st Century Sugarbottom wear boxers or briefs, right?
… another tumbleweed rolls by and joins the previous one …
Maybe you just like to read my random crap? You do like to read my random crap, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be here, would you?
… the tumbleweeds roll back from whence they came, with lots of little tumbleweeds babies in their wake …
Right. So. I shall start off with Christian. Hooray! Right? Everyone loves Christian, right? Right?
… old tumbleweed, cum walker, toddles precariously by …
Oh, screw it. On with the show.
Patricia
(TwystedFate): So, here we are outside Christian's house at 7.30 in the morning. You love it, right? Right. So, allow me to go inside and show you the true beauty of Christian! Ooh, look, here he is watering his roses!
Christian waters his roses in his rose garden, a totally stoned look on his face.
(TwystedFate): What are you doing, Christian?
A frown creases Christian's brow.
(Christian): I'm…watering…rose…pretty…rose…you see…rose?
Christian brandishes a rose.
(TwystedFate): Yes! A rose! Let's watch!
Christian waters the roses.
The roses, watered, are by Christian.
Roses were watered by Christian.
For five goddamn hours.
(TwystedFate): Gosh, Christian, you sure like to keep those roses…fresh, huh?
(Christian): LOOKIT ROSE!
Christian pulls a rose out of the ground and throws it at a dog in the corner of the yard.
(TwystedFate): Is that your dog, Christian?
(Christian): Me not have dog. Me have kitty. BIIIIG kitty.
A tiger comes from the house, as if to announce its own existence. It purrs and rubs up on Christian. The dog runs away.
(Christian, satisfactorily): Fluffy.
Christian hooked his arm over the ruff of the tiger's neck, and began to sing camp songs.
(Christian): She sat on the hillside and played her guitarrrrrr, played her guitarrrrrr, played her guitarrrrrr! She sat on the hillside and played her guitarrrrrrr! Played! Her! Guitar-ar-ar-ar!
(Tiger): Oom-pluck-pluck, oom-pluck-pluck, oom-pluck-pluck-pluck.
(Christian): HE TOLD HER HE LOVED HER, BUT OH, HOW HE LIED! OH HOW HE LIED! OH HOW HE LIED! HE TOLD HER HE LOVED HER BUT OH HOW HE LIED! OH! HOW! HE LI-I-IED!
(Tiger): Oom-pluck-pluck, oom-pluck-pluck, oom-pluck-pluck-pluck.
(TwystedFate): This is great, but…err…do you do anything else?
(Christian): Sure! Fluffy loves the shark song! makes his hands into fish jaws DAAAAAAAADYYYYY SHARK! DO DO DO DO DO DO! DADDY SHARK DO DO, DO DO DO DO! DADDY SHARK DO DO DO DO DO DO, DADDY SHARK! slightly reduces size of fish jaws MAAAAMAAA SHARK, DO DO DO DO DO DO! MAMA SHARK! DO DO DO DO DO DO!
(TwystedFate): slightly annoyed, yet transfixed by the 385938593893 verse song that is Shark Attack Can we talk about things?
(Christian): Such as?
(TwystedFate): Well, what do you like?
Christian takes a deep breath.
(Christian): Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles, and warm woolen mittens. Silver white winters, that melt into springs. These are a few of my favorite things!
The tiger nods in agreement.
(Christian): Snowflakes on ponies and crisp apple strudel…hmmm…doorbells, sleigh bells, schnitzel with noodles…wild geese, that fly, with the moon on their wing. These are a few of my favorite things!
The tiger begins to undulate from side to side.
(Christian): Did you know that my name isn't Christian?
(TwystedFate, deadpan with disappointment): It isn't?
(Christian, smug): Nope! It's Zechariah Isabella Shanaynay Akalakadingdong Woo Woo Choo Choo Train, Tootsie Roll Mambo Pixie Dust. But you can call me Heterosexual. :)
(TwystedFate): You look awfully gay to me.
(Christian): Nah, I'm not gay. I'm happy, and pleasantly plump, but never gay. Would you like a Popsicle?
Christian gets up and enters the house through the back door and into the kitchen, TwystedFate at his heels. Christian's kitchen is covered with statues of pigs, and Christian pries open his freezer and hands TwystedFate a Popsicle as he rocks back and forth on his heels.
(Christian): Pumpernickel.
(TwystedFate): Doorbell.
(Christian): Ashtray?
(TwystedFate, regrettably): Shoe.
(Christian, complacent): Trash. Compactor.
(TwystedFate): Nutmeg!
(Christian, triumphant): Stapler.
TwystedFate smacked her forehead, and stared at Christian, who stood up, prepared for a new dance sequence.
(Christian): Every move you make! Every vow you break! Every smile you fake, every claim you stake, I'll be watching you!
TwystedFate backs away slowly. Christian leaps toward her, flailing his jazz hands and singing.
(Christian): Every breath you take! Every move you make! Every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you!
TwystedFate slams open the door and runs away, hopping the fence. Christian hangs out the window, singing loudly to his fencepost.
(Christian): SINCE YOU'VE GONE I'VE BEEN LOST WITHOUT A TRACE! I DREAM AT NIGHT, I CAN ONLY SEE YOU FACE! I LOOK AROUND, BUT IT'S YOU I CAN'T REPLACE, I FEEL SO COLD AND I LONG FO-
The tiger undulates through the door, and flattens Christian under him. Christian faints.
Be kind, review and rewind.
