Disclaimer- I disclaim in all, not that ever claimed in the first place.

Authoress' Note- Yeah, I just forfeited an intense game of the Lord of the Rings Edition of Risk and am still pouting over losing almost all my countries. Sniff... The Green Legolas Army lives on! E.D.J.

Thanks for the reviews!

Romulan Empress- Glad you love the story and I allow you to snog any and all Star Trek characters! Not that I own them either, but...

Frifri- Lovely Snog-Request Hut scene. Most creative! As to the question of how I come up with all of this? I HAVE NO IDEA! I would be terrified out of my wits if I'm actually this crazy in real life and I'm sure everyone else around me would be too! Hmm... maybe that's why all those "normal" people tend to avoid me. LOL. I'm glad you want my mind, but I lost it a while ago. (Bu dum... Chi! Yeah that would be that drum thing they do after jokes, I don't think that came across well).

AnniePADFOOT- Actually now I've decided that the guy who plays Oliver Wood is much better than Rupert Grint AND Tom Felton, so hopefully your urge to kill me has lessened now. Yes...Rolphie...weird bit of insanity. I just realized today that it would probably be Rodolphie (Rodolphus), but that just sounds like crap. Lucius' hair styling was quite odd too. I also threw a shoe at Ron recently so does that count as whacking him? He cried pretty hard. What a baby. Ginny... she can be a bit stupid, so I'll throw a shoe at her too. Maybe it'll knock some sense into her. You can probably tell I'm in evil mood right now!

Amelia Blibson- You are the best because you reviewed every chapter! I send you those hot dogs and cookies!

Acatm- I say that hilariousness is a word! Glad you thought the chappie was good, despite the boring new format!


Snog Requests!

Harry: frifri

Ron: frifri

Sirius: frifri, anniePADFOOT

Draco: frifri, anniePADFOOT

James: Amelia Blibson

Oliver Wood: acatm

I can't think of anything sarcastic or evil to say right now, so er... I HATE DRACO MALFOY WITH A PASSION! Other people are free to love him though! I think everyone already knows that, but just in case! E.D.J.



"Hi! How is everyone? Did you miss me?" asks Elladora as she steps onstage wearing a I Love Remus Lupin! T-shirt over her robes.

The reader audience members turn away from their "realistic" fanfics with enthusiasm and begin to cheer loudly.

Elladora begins jumping up and down excitedly. "Guess what? Guess what?"

The audience asks, "What?"

"I have elbows!" Elladora screams. (Friends humor, you unobsessed people.)

The audience members glance at each other, confused.

"Well you'll get it later," says Elladora, waving it off. "Now on to the guests! Today we have a feature known as 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' Professors and Why They Can't Keep a Job For Over a Year!' Otherwise known as DADAPWTCKJFOY!"

The audience looks confused for certainly not the last time.

Elladora shrugs. "Or we could just call it Episode 8!"

The audience cheers its gratitude over not having to try to pronounce that complex anagram.

Elladora primly sits down in her lovely purple chair. (A/N- Has anyone noticed Miss Jobberknoll has an obsession with the color purple? She turned Ron into a purple rabbit and has a purple wand... and probably something else purple...) "Please give a big hand for Professor No Known First Name Quirrell, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, Professor Remus John Lupin, Professor Alastor Moody otherwise known as Mr. Barty Crouch Junior, and Professor Dolores Umbridge!"

All five teachers walk out looking disgruntled over having their wands confiscated back stage. (Just a precaution...)

"How are you all?" asks Elladora. "No Known First Name? Gilderoy? Re..re..mus? Alastor/Barty? Dolores?"

All five mutter, "Fine, fine."

Remus Lupin raises an eyebrow at Elladora curiously. "Excuse me, Miss Jobberknoll? May I inquire as to why you are wearing a shirt stating you love me?"

Elladora looks down at her T-shirt, horrified. "Oh...I...uh...don't know?"

She quickly whips out her wand and changes the shirt to read I Love Pie!

Lupin raises an eyebrow, skeptically.

Elladora shields her eyes. "No! Don't raise your eyebrow! You look like him too much when you do that!"

Everyone looks confused.

Elladora removes her hands from her eyes. She glances terrified at Lupin. "Er... I am slightly infatuated with your teenage self?"

"My what?!"

"Teenage self," supplies Elladora. "I, somehow, can bring from the past here and I brought yours and you're...HE'S hot." She sees Lupin's questioning look. "No, you can't meet him because everything would just implode!"

"Er... I'm sure I'd... he'd be lucky to have you," says Remus uncomfortably.

"I knew I liked you...him! –Damn!- For a reason! You... HE understands everything!"

She flushes embarrassed and then whirls on Quirrell. "Hey! You're dead AND you're evil! You can't be here!"

"Bbbbut...Mmmisssss..." he stutters, before disappearing in a puff of black smoke.

A random audience member stand up and squeaks, "But you had James and Sirius' teenage selves on the show and they're..." The random audience member is suddenly gagged, bound, and dragged away by Walter the house elf for a good dose of Memory Charms.

Elladora then whirls on Moody/Barty Crouch Junior. "And you're soul is gone, so what good are you?"

He disappears in a puff of red smoke.

Elladora sits down again. "Alright, so Remus, Gilderoy, Dolores, where were we?"

Random Audience Member #2 stands up and says, "But Lockhart's memory's gone, why is he staying?" Elladora shoots Random Audience Member #2 an evil look and he sits down embarrassed and hides under his chair.

"My what's gone?" asks Lockhart, flipping his hair slightly.

"Memory," snaps Umbridge, who has been quite up until then. "And I say, who cares? You didn't have many memories there to begin with."

Lockhart begins sobbing uncontrollably into his long blonde hair until Elladora, in an act of sympathy and annoyance, offers him a cookie, which causes him to promptly stop crying.

"So has that Wolfsbane Potion been helping you, Remus?" asks Elladora quietly.

"I refuse to sit near a half-breed!" exclaims Umbridge, standing up quickly. "Werewolves are completely savage beasts who..."

Elladora makes a violent gesture at Umbridge and she sits down after shooting Elladora a disdainful look.

"What's a memory?" asks Lockhart through a mouthful of cookie.

"Look it up!" snaps Elladora, throwing a gigantic dictionary at him.

Lockhart becomes fascinated by the pretty black marks that cover the 24,000 pages of the book. "I name you zarduffuffle!" he says, pointing at the word cat.

Elladora, Umbridge, Lupin, the audience, some Aliens on Mars, and Gideon Crumb, who plays bagpipes for the Weird Sisters, all roll their eyes at Lockhart's utter stupidity.

"Gideon Crumb!" says Lockhart excitedly, pointing at the actor who has suddenly appeared inside the studio.

"Well at least he knows something," mutters Elladora.

Gideon Crumb disappears. Lockhart screams in horror, runs around in circles, and somehow knocks himself out with the gigantic dictionary.

Elladora turns to Umbridge. "Are you still the Hogwarts High Inquisitor? And did you know that you are completely evil?"

"No and yes," says Umbridge with one of her disgustingly girlish giggles. "I'm currently on trial by the Wizengamot for 'abuse of my powers'." She chuckles again and some incredibly intelligent audience member throws a Dungbomb at her.

"Aren't you an Animagus?" Lupin asks, who has been sitting ever so quietly and patiently waiting to speak.

"Are you?" asks Elladora, her eyes glinting mischievously.

"As I matter of fact, half-breed, I am," says Umbridge primly.

"Let's guess what your form is..." says Elladora, striking a thoughtful pose. "A toad?"

Umbridge looks offended. "Actually I'm a lobster."

"A lobster?"

"A lobster," confirms Umbridge. "It's quite nice. Clawing people...eating...whatever lobster's think is food..."

"I'm sure it is," says Elladora, fingering her wand behind her back. "You know what animal you'd be better as?"

"What?"

"A toad!"

Elladora flicks her wand and, with a flash of green sparks, Umbridge is replaced with a large, warty toad.

"Much better," says Elladora approvingly. She blows on a whistle around her neck and shouts, "Grawpie!"

Grawp lumbers onstage.

"This toad is your new pet!" squeals Elladora.

Grawp grabs up the toad/Umbridge. "TOADIE!" he cooes. The toad's/Umbridge's eyes bulge out as Grawp gives it a hug.

"Yes, Toadie has been a very bad toad," says Elladora, shaking her head. "Maybe you should put her in a jar and make her think about what she's done!"

Grawp nods and bounds off stage in search of a jar to put Umbridge in.

Remus Lupin glances from Elladora to Lockhart who is still unconscious on the floor with the dictionary beside him. "Is your show always like this?"

"Pretty much," says Elladora with a shrug. "Why?"

"It was most entertaining," says Lupin with a small grin. "It would be interesting to see what happened on previous shows."

Elladora looks astonished. "You were entertained? That's mean that young Remus would be entertained and that he'd be entertained and entertained and entertained..."

Elladora begins babbling incoherently and ends up being dragged off stage by Walter the house elf to be given a good Calming Drought.

Voldemort steps in front of the cameraman with an angry look on his face. "Yes, I'm a back. Woo-hoo. Who really cares? Yes, our interviewer has fallen into a babbling state by a guest's comments, the memoryless one is unconscious, and the toad woman is in fact, now a toad. All I really care about is getting back at those Ministry jerks! Who do they think they are keeping me away from my loyal servants?? They'll pay...oh they'll pay..."


I apologize if I've offended anyone with a love of dictionaries, toads, or sugar-coated candies -spins around- Oh we haven't done that gag yet? Whoops, maybe next episode! Please review! How else are you people going to get your character snogs? Hmm?? I'm not a mind reader! E.D.J.

P.S. Yes Bruce Willis got taken out and substituted with the guy who plays bagpipes for the Weird Sisters. See the authoress's note at the end of chapter 3 for full explanation.