Disclaimer- GUESS WHAT? J.K. Rowling has sold me all the rights to Harry Potter and I'm going to write the sixth and seventh books! Harry going to have a girlfriend whose half human, half mermaid, and three eighths egg salad sandwich (Readers wonder how that can add up to 1!) AND Ron is going to be turned into a pink rabbit permanently and another series of books will be about his adventures in rabbit form. Wish me luck!
-No, that's not true, you idiots. E.D.J.
Authoress' Note- If anyone believed the above, I will dissolve into a huge fit of giggles. –huge fit of giggles- Oops too late. Don't you all just hate me for not updating in so long? Get use to it people! Three fics, a book manuscript, and regular schoolwork makes Elladora a busy girl! Must continue! Mwa mwa! (kisses) E.D.J.
P.S. By the way, would you consider this a 'non-story'? Apparently that's not allowed on Fanfiction, but I'm unsure if this classifies or not. I'm terrified of getting any of my work taken down! –shivers and gulps- I'll keep my fingers crossed!
P.P.S. My best bestest friend La Conquistadora requested to make a cameo appearance on Crazy Chats and the request is just to tempting too resist. Don't be too worried, she is as crazy as I am if not more! We've even created a term for the fear of La Conquistadora! I'll be able to work her character to fit perfectly in my lovely little parody. No, I won't be taking other cameo requests from other reviewers because I don't know any of you, don't know anything about your personality, and so on and so forth.
Reviews! Much thanks!
ThelovelyladyLily- Glad you liked the chapter!
AnniePADFOOT- I should have known you'd respond with that Draco retort. Kill Ron and Ginny on your own time! I won't do it for you!
Serena van der Woodsen- Yes the dictionary thing was most entertaining. I think Lockhart was already dumb before he lost his memory. In my lovely words for Professor Umbridge, "I say, who cares? You didn't have many memories there to begin with."
Romulan Empress- Oh you're inspired?! Blimey someone actually wanting to write something similar to Crazy Chats?! I'm honored! Good luck with your Fiction Press story!
KillerChicken2- Even I don't know what you're talking about with that monkey thing. Yes you receive cookies for the SpongeBob thing.
Frifri- Mmm... mashed potatoes... anyway. No you're not hogging the characters! They are up for snogging with more than one person per episode!!
Starla9- Glad you love the story AND Sirius' "I'm not fictional!!!" thing! I found that most entertaining. You can NEVER have too many snog requests, so by all means take as many as you want!
La Conquistadora- Glad you loved the chapter! I've even gotten people bowing to my craziness now!!! Read below for your cameo appearance. Feel free to thank me, hug me, or attack me. Whatever is your cup of tea after reading this episode! Though not to violent if you choose the attacking option? –shields head- I bought you a cookie! I may conveniently continue to forget to give you O Brother Where Art Thou?, the Jonah CD, and your Grand Tour book if I am seriously maimed!!! Remember it's even more illegal for band geeks to kill other band geeks! (yeah I changed it to fit!)
Acatm- I AM glad that my fic is making you look like a fool!
Vietgurl0607- Yes my fic tends to make people look crazy in front of their parents. Oh well...
Blah- No, the Snape and Trelawney thing isn't from Love, Actually. I've never seen the movie so I wouldn't know what you were referring to anyway. Grossly funny? I'll take that as a compliment!
Sonicbunny- Wow a GUY reader?! You are in the .0000001 of male fanfiction members!! I can't believe someone whose British actually agrees with me on the word spiffing being cool! –grins- Oooh Orlando... where do I start?? I suppose my author's page wouldn't be very helpful. It says, "Orlando Bloom- All I can say is... drools.) I assume you'd like a better explanation though? Let's see... (this is not in order of importance either just as they come to me)
#1. He's British. (Basically anyone with an accent is completely dreamy to me. Actually maybe just a British or Australian accent, but Orlando fits the bill!)
#2. The Hair (In my opinion, I have a thing for guys' with dark hair, so that makes Orlando all the more appealing.)
#3. The eyes (Piercing, direct, DREAMY...)
I've also read in People magazine that he has the "Best Nose" or the most "sought after nose" or something. I assume they mean his bone structure or people want plastic surgery to get his nose, not that they wish to steal his nose off his face (he wouldn't be quite so good-looking then and I'm sure his fans would be MOST disappointed). I'm sure Orlando's getting to be the celebrity other guys hate for his appeal to girls, but you all just have to learn to get in line for our affections! You have to understand that there's other men in our life despite the slim possibility of every meeting said person(s). Help at all? If not, it was still fun to write! Now I have a question about guys for you: Why are all of you (at least it's all American boys) obsessed with the movies Zoolander, Tommyboy, Super Troopers, or basically anything with Chris Farley in it? It is a very strange phenomenon. Is this true in the U.K. and if so why?
Mirficus- I'm glad you love the story! I feel like a dolt at the moment because when I first read your review I was like, "What does she mean by 'Vicky, Vicky, Vicky!'? Is that her name?" Idiot me. Ron of course.
Fire-icecat- Lovely penname. I like people bowing to my craziness!!!
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Snoggie Snoggie Snog Requests!
Draco: anniePADFOOT (Annie: Yes I know you'll never let him or Sirius go!)
Sirius: anniePADFOOT (Annie: I have no objections to your requests to continue snogging him!!!)
Harry: KillerChicken2, starla9, vietgurl0607 (Yes Harry! Lovely adorable Harry! Why don't more people love him?)
Ron: starla9 (I adore ickle Ronniekins!)
Remus: Elladora (me you dolts), La Conquistadora, fire-icecat (NO! HE'S MINE! ALL MINE! Just kidding. Is my obsession starting to rub off on you Conquistadora? I don't Remus has ever been requested except by me! He feels so loved!)
Ginny: Sonicbunny (Don't be too afraid, girls. Sonicbunny's a bloke!!)
As always continue with your requests. Quantity is no problem. Quality on the other hand... I'm told James and Oliver Wood are both excellent snogs and they really need someone after receiving nothing this episode! Lily doesn't mind either! It's for a good cause! Getting me some reviews! Mwa mwa! (Kisses) E.D.J.
P.S. Whew that was a long authoress' note! I guess that means I'm getting popular! –grins- YAY!
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"Hello and welcome to Crazy Chats!" shouts Elladora, the interviewer and authoress if you've forgotten, as she runs onstage.
As always, all the audience proceeds to rip up, burn, or otherwise maim any other 'realistic' fics in favor of reading Crazy Chats.
"Today we have a very special guest, my friend, the ever crazy La Conquistadora who will now be referred to as Conquistadora because her pen name is too damn long!" shrieks Elladora.
A girl of Elladora's own age skips onstage (surprisingly she is not late for the show) in a thoroughly odd fashion before plopping down on the sofa and proceeding to eat the turkey sandwiches and sour cream and onion crisps/chips that have be provide to prevent an attack of Conquistadora's pickiness.
Elladora clears her throat and looks pointedly at Conquistadora who pouts and stands up.
"Today's guests will be randomly selected by this powerball lottery thingy!" says Elladora with a slight wave of her wand.
A powerball lottery thingy appears out of nowhere and Conquistadora stares at the whirl of balls, fascinated.
Elladora gives Conquistadora a slight kick in the shins and she runs over to the machine.
Conquistadora clears her throat and positions a finger above the button that will shoot a random ball upward. "Out of the three guests that will be appearing today, the first one will be... Neville Longbottom!"
Conquistadora throws the powerball with 'Neville Longbottom' written across it into the crowd and twenty or so girls proceed to fight over it for some strange reason.
"You! Flip her the bird, call her Garfunkel, do something!" shouts Conquistadora, abandoning her duties to watch the fight. She watches for a few moments, tapping her foot impatiently before jumping off the stage into the crowd. She proceeds to knock at least six girls over and the rest of her have that certain fear of Conquistadora so they back off. Conquistadora retrieves the poor dented ball off the ground and proceeds to throw it against all twenty or so girls' heads while shouting, "You are all idiots!"
"Ahemm..."
"Oh right," says Conquistadora, pocketing the powerball and returning to her post at the powerball lottery thingy. "The second guest is... Luna Lovegood!"
Conquistadora thankfully only tries to pin the powerball to the front of her robes and is successful despite the fact that she has neither pin nor anything else pointy for that matter. (We really don't want to see what she'd do with sharp objects do we? I think not.)
"And last, but certainly not least... Sir Lancelot!"
The audience looks confused as to when this particular character appeared in any of the books.
"OH!" says Conquistadora, slapping her forehead. She turns the powerball over. "Actually it's... Ginny Weasley!"
The audience blinks but assumes that this is, as always, typical Crazy Chats humor. (You're catching on aren't you?)
Conquistadora grins and glances around. She notices Elladora is asleep in her purple chair due to the fact that she was partying with the Weird Sisters all night. Conquistadora nudges Elladora, but all she does is turn over and mutter something about "electric-blue gumdrops". Conquistadora proceeds to drag Elladora off the sofa by her ankles and smack her upside the head with.... A HERRING! (giggle, snort, giggle, snort)
"I'm awake!" shrieks Elladora, throwing the slimy fish back at Conquistadora who wisely ducks to avoid a face full of fish guts.
"You should have invited me to that Weird Sisters premiere party, but nooooo... you insisted that I babysat Grawpie!" snaps Conquistadora.
"But Voldie and Frank were both busy!" whines Elladora.
Conquistadora promptly drops her herring and her face becomes furious looking. "Voldie? Not my ex-boyfriend who stomped on my heart and fed it to his damn snake, Voldie? He's not here is he?"
"Er... no," says Elladora uncomfortably, shaking her head violently at the audience to say nothing. She makes a bunch of violent gestures to show what she'll do to them if they say a word. The gestures involve a lot of hair removal techniques and something about burning tar.
The audience gulps worriedly and wisely remains silent.
"Now how 'bout those guests?" says Elladora nervously, her voice oddly high-pitched. "Would you like to summon them, Conquistadora?"
Conquistadora nods, waves her wand, and Neville, Luna, and Ginny all appear. Ginny and Neville appear in frantic states of confusion while Luna looks oddly serene and calm as if she's always magicked out of school to appear on strange chat shows.
"I know you," says Luna calmly. "You're the girl who's the reason for all the recent disappearances. My father published a report on it by er... Professor Snape, but it's been widely discredited since apparently Snape was half mad when he wrote it. I always believed it though and look where I am now! It was true."
Ginny gapes at Elladora and Conquistadora (hee that rhymes!). "You're the reason my brother Ron keeps having nightmares about pink rabbits and why he keeps shouting for an orange monkey?"
"Not me, just her," says Conquistadora, pointing at Elladora. "She's the mastermind behind it all."
Elladora grins. "Yes, it's all me and now, you, Ginny, have the honor to be whisked away from school to this lovely show!"
"Great," sighs Ginny, slumping down in her chair.
Conquistadora makes a violent gesture at Ginny. "If she says, you're supposed to be honored for this chance, then you will be honored."
"Hey you're catching on to my character threats!" says Elladora, giving Conquistadora a high-five. "Anyway where's our lovely boy who has yet to say anything? Where are you Neville?" she cooes, having seen Neville is no longer in his chair.
Whimpering comes from behind a well-placed rock pile near the back of the set.
"Do you think he's got that fear of La Conquistadora too?" asks Elladora, turning to her friend.
"Not really. I do think we may need to think of a term for the fear of Elladora though," says Conquistadora, standing up.
She goes over to the rock pile and drags Neville out from behind it, ignoring his sobs. Conquistadora using a Securing Charm to tie Neville to a spot on the ground he's cowering on.
"Damn boy, what's your problem?" asks Elladora gruffly, frankly annoyed by Neville's crying.
"I'm scared of...of...lighting equipment," gasps Neville, staring in horror up at the ceiling.
Elladora conjures up a Calming Drought and she and Luna the Believer force it down his throat.
A look of dreamy unconcern appears on Neville's face and he sighs heavily, content for the time being.
"The things kids are afraid of these days," cackles Elladora, climbing into a rocking chair. "I remember in the good old days we didn't even have magical lighting equipment. We just used a pair of toads and..." she trails off, noticing Conquistadora giving her the cut signal. Elladora blushes. "Oh it's not time for an old lady skit, is it?"
Elladora throws her crazy grey wig at Ginny who regards it with general disgust since it seems to be made of some sort of dead animal.
"So Luna, Quibbler getting more successful since that article about Harry?" asks Conquistadora, lazily twirling a mace she's somehow acquired.
"A bit, but people are still skeptical about things they don't see with their own eyes," says Luna, yawning a bit. "But in the end, they'll all realize their idiots for not believing the world is filled with Crumple-Horned..."
Luna slumps forward asleep and a troop of audience members run onstage and picks her up shouting, "GO GO GO!"
They run towards backstage and Elladora bellows, "Security! Code Purple Green! Code Purple Green! Attempted Kidnapping by Someone Other Than the Interviewer and Authoress..."
"Or Her Associate Doctor Piglet!" adds Conquistadora, swinging her mace around and accidentally hitting Ginny in the head. Conquistadora magicks up a stretcher and orders it to fly Ginny to St. Mungo's to examine her new head injury.
Suddenly, Neville's face breaks out in red and gold hair and his face turns horrorstruck. "I'm allergic to Calming Draughts!" he moans. He glances upward. "LIGHTING EQUIPMENT!" He begins shrieking and running around, leaving a trail of red and gold hair in his wake.
While directing a team of security guards led by Grawpie, Elladora nods tiredly at the man behind the camera. He nods back and steps in front of the camera.
"As always your beloved cameraman Voldemort must end the show due to the chaos the show has become. Elladora..."
"VOLDIE?!"
"Oh damn."
An angry Conquistadora appears next to Voldemort, her face livid.
"Hello Conquistadora, er... how are you?" asks Voldemort, nervously tugging at his color.
"She didn't tell me you were here," she growls, glaring at Elladora who promptly slinks into the background to avoid Conquistadora's wrath.
"Well erm... you see..." babbles Voldemort, glancing around looking for a way out.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE I WAS A BETTER EVIL WORLD CONQUERER THAN YOU!" shrieks Conquistadora. "YOU ARSEHOLE!"
She pulls out her wand and stands at the ready.
"Not the wand," moans Voldemort. He reaches into his pocket for his own wand. A look of horror appears on his face. "Where is it? WHERE IS IT?!"
Elladora's voice comes from out of the shadows. "Er... I think I gave it for Grawpie to play with. He er... accidentally broke it. Good luck defending yourself now, Voldes."
"Why you little..." begins Voldemort, advancing towards the area where Elladora is hiding.
Conquistadora steps in front of him. "We weren't finished."
"But I don't have a wand!" whimpers Voldemort. "It's not a fair fight!"
Conquistadora snorts. "We're evil conquerors and you're trying to add fairness to the mix? Do you think I got this high up in the evil world by being fair? Get ready to run, you bastard."
She raises her wand and Voldemort quickly starts running for backstage with Conquistadora fast on his heels screaming numerous spells including ones for uncontrollable hair growth and a couple of Trip Jinxes. Conquistadora is heard laughing hysterically as Elladora ventures from her hiding place and steps in front of the camera.
"That's the end of another episode! Hope you enjoyed Conquistadora's lovely appearance! She is currently chasing her ex through the streets of Hogsmeade and is showing no mercy on him. Poor guy. Miss Lovegood has been taken hostage by a group of crazed audience members who are currently being hunted down by Grawpie and his buddies. Mr. Longbottom is either running around somewhere because of his unusual fear of lighting equipment, but perhaps someone has taken pity on him and shipped him to St. Mungo's to get that hair looked at, and Miss Weasley already resides there for her and Conquistadora's mishap with a mace. And your authoress and interviewer? Well she stands in front of you, unharmed. For now..."
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Whadja think? I hope it fulfilled your wishes for Episode 9! Much craziness! E.D.J.
P.S. If the divider thingys aren't working I don't know what the problem is. Fanfiction's correction thingy is always mean to me.
