Disclaimer- I disclaim it all except the bits J.K. Rowling feels I can have. -listens carefully- Damn nothing for Elladora again.
Authoress's Note- Who's back?! And you all thought I fell of the face of the earth or something, didn't you? -grins- Hope you like this next installment of Crazy Chats! Oh and HappyAlmost Birthday to my bestest conquerering friend, La Conquistadora! Quotes right before the actual epsiode are for squirtcakes, but anyone who wants a laugh please read them! E.D.J.
P.S. You should all read the first chapter of my new Rita Skeeter fic, "Clawing My Way to the Top"! It's a brilliant idea if I do say so myself. And I do, I really do.
Lovely Reviews!
p0pptartt- Thank you for reviewing "Clawing My Way to the Top"! Oh yes I'm glad you liked Parvati and Lavender's "like" thing last episode.
ThelovelyladyLily- Don't you wavepointy objects at me! -waves pointy object back- Just kidding. Or am I? Glad you liked in accordance with the prophecy!
Romulan Empress- Yes, I love in accordance with the prophecy too. La Conquistadora and I did that for at least a hour or more one night. It was great and everyone looked at us like we were insane. Glad you liked the Like Queens too!
BlueMoon- All those lovely adjectives! I love them! I'm glad you like the fic!
fire-icecat-BrilliantAND hilarious? -grins smugly-
acatm- Glad you like it!
Trish Shakespeare- Glad you love the story! I love new readers/reviewers!
Telwyn Dubois- Ah "slytheirng" Slytherins. I love it. -grins-
frifri- Glad you liked the last episode! It's quite alright if it takes you awhile to read/review.
Prongs86- Wow you almost couldn't keep reading you were laughing so hard? That's exactly the reaction I'm hoping to achieve!
squirtcakes- Loved the funny sayings! My friends are obsessed with funny quotes too! I love "I'm not quiet, I'm plotting." and "You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!" the most! Hilarious! Here's my funny sayings (from my authoress's page):
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight!"
"Consciousness- that annoying time between naps."
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." Douglas Adams
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." W.C. Fields
"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill." Johnny Carson
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it." Groucho Marx
"I suppose it is more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts." G.B. Burgin
"I quite agree with Dr. Nordeau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordeau forgets that all sane people are idiots." Oscar Wilde
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown
"The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think." Anonymous
"The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist." Aaron Machado
"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" Scott Adams
"I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!" Sam Levenson
"What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?" W.C. Fields
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot." Groucho Marx
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." Groucho Marx
"Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?" Groucho Marx
SNOG REQUESTS! (STILL PART OF AUTHORESS'S NOTE!)
Remus: fire-icecat, frifri, Elladora D. Jobberknoll (frifri, I don't know what you're on about, the actor who's Remus in Harry Potter 3 has a mustache! I don't think he's hot in anyway and someone from Mugglenet said he reminded them of the Duke from Moulin Rouge (it isn't the same guy), but he so totally does look like the Duke! Ah, well to each her own.)
James: ThelovelyladyLily
Fred/George- BlueMoon, fire-icecat, Trish Shakespeare
FemmeSlashHermione-BlueMoon (Well to each her own!)
Draco: frifri (two)
Ron: frifri
Ah and Telwyn Dubois wants to snog all characters except Draco and other "slythering" Slytherins! Ta! E.D.J.
(END AUTHORESS'S NOTE)
"Hello and welcome to everyone's favorite show Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter Characters!" shouts Elladora, pumping her fist in the air.
Everyone cheers loudly.
"And who's happy the Chudley Cannons are finally making a comeback?"
Ron Weasley who, for unknown reasons, is sitting (of his own free will mind you) in the audience stands up and cheers. Everyone else stares at him. Ron sputters, turns pink, and hides under his chair, but not without a last bellow of: "GO CANNONS!"
"Alright, today's show is entitled 'Those Guys You Love to Hate'! Let's give a loud hiss for Peter Pettigrew, Draco Malfoy, and our beloved cameraman, Lord Voldemort!"
The audience hisses as well as gasps because, of course, we all learned from Episode Three and the rest of fandom that Mr. Malfoy is just a poor, misunderstood little boy who should be pitied and given to A) Hermione, B) Ginny or C) Harry wrapped up in shiny paper and a large bow. (A/N- -snorts-)
"Why won't you leave me alone?" bellows Draco as he is dragged kicking and screaming onstage by Crabbe and Goyle of Elladora's favorite roadie crew.
"Aw… Draco, you know I only torture you out of… well hate," says Elladora with a grin.
"I'm innocent I tell you! Innocent! I was framed!" shouts Peter Pettigrew as he too is dragged onstage. He is small and timid-looking and doesn't look at all like some crazed psycho with an incurable rash. (A/N- cough, as portrayed by the latest movie)
Lord Voldemort alone is silent as he walks onstage, escorted by his own team of Hit wizards who still think he may start some sort of rebellion with only a sniveling, weakling rat and a cowardly Death-Eater-in-training at his side.
"So, my lovies," cackles Elladora, watching gleefully as Peter and Draco are forced into chairs borrowed from the Wizengamot courtrooms. The chains snake up their arms and both Draco and Peter whimper pitifully.
"Voldie, I am sorry about this," says Elladora, smiling sadly.
"It's quite alright, Elladora," says Voldemort mildly, eyeing the wand sticking out of one of the Hit Wizards' belts.
"Voldie," warns Elladora. "Remember the last time you played with wands? Grawpie nearly lost an eye."
Grawp lumbers on stage with a large bandage over his left eye, looks pitiful, and then goes back to his game of pick up sticks with Crabbe and Goyle.
"I didn't do anything!" whines Voldemort, looking like a child separated from a particularly scrumptious cookie. "It's just so shiny…"
Elladora waves her wand and hands Voldemort a spoon, which is, in fact, much more shiny than a stick of wood.
"Hey what about…" begins Peter, but he is silenced by a look from Elladora.
Elladora surveys the three 'victims'. "So boys how are you?"
"Well, I'm…" begin Peter and Draco.
"Ah, I believe you misheard me," says Elladora with a cold smile. "Because I certainly wasn't addressing you, the rat, or you, the ferret."
"But, the Dark Lord isn't more than one person!" protests Draco.
"Ah, but I am," says Voldemort mystically. "I am Tom Marvolo Riddle, Lord Voldemort, You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Master and the Dark Lord. Oh and I also was the voice of little Timmy on the W.W.N. commercial warning children not topractice underage magic. If you really want to count them, I'm about six or seven people contained in one fabulous body."
He strikes a pose whilst still sitting and chained up and the audience cheers and whistles.
"Now, questions!" says Elladora, bouncing up and down excitedly.
"So, Mr. Rat, Pettigrew, Wormtail, yada yada yada, what really made you betray the Potters?" says Elladora, glaring fiercely at Peter.
"He," Peter points at Voldemort, "promised me a lifetime supply of Honeyduke's chocolate if I joined up, which, by the way, I still haven't received yet!"
"Well, I'm supposed to be in hiding, aren't I?" says Voldemort, exasperated. "I can't just waltz into Honeyduke's and demand a lifetime supply of their chocolate, can I? All they'd do is run around and scream and then, when it gets to be too annoying, I have to kill them to shut them up. I've killed a number of shopkeepers that way. They really are annoying little buggers. I'm going to have to get one of the roadies to start doing my grocery shopping."
"I feel neglected!" whines Draco, straining against his chains.
"Get over it!" shrieks Elladora, waving her wand and turning his face a stunning shade of purple.
Lucius Malfoy suddenly appears, still with his lovely braided hair, courtesy of the Lestranges. "You can't talk to my son that way!"
"I'll talk to your son anyway I feel like!" snaps Elladora, raising her wand.
Lucius reaches for his wand, but discovers he has a large smelly halibut clasped in his hand.
"Trick wand," says Elladora with a grin. "I believe your real wand is being used as a toilet plunger somewhere."
"What?" shrieks Lucius. "HOW COULD YOU? THAT WAND COST ME ONE HUNDERED-TWENTY GOLD GALLEONS! IT WAS ENGRAVED WITH THE MALFOY FAMILY CREST AND EVERYTHING!"
"I take 'em as they come to me, Lucy," says Elladora with a yawn. "Hit wizards! This slimeball bores me. Send him to Greenland please." (A/N- Nothing against Greenland! It was the first place that popped into my head!)
At this, the Hit wizards, march over, wands raised, and repeating "Send him to Greenland." They all mutter something consisting of the words "treacle" and "marzipan candy" and Lucius disappears with a pop and a burst of acidic bubbles.
"You know Draco, your father is nearly as tiresome as you are," mutters Elladora, stretching her arms above her head.
"Good." Draco smirks.
"On second thought, Hit wizards, send the mini slimeball to Greenland too."
The Hit wizards march over and pick up Draco's chair, muttering, "Send the mini slimeball to Greenland too." They vanish Draco with a pop and a smaller burst of slightly less acidic bubbles despite Draco's loud protests, insults, and pleas for mercy.
"Wormy, wormy, Wormtail," sings Elladora. "Do you know where you get to go?"
"Honeyduke's?" he murmurs, lips trembling.
"Nope, the-secret-dungeon-located-under-the-Hogsmeade-store-Dervish-and-Banges, -which-is-now-guarded-by-the-winged-monkeys-that-Draco-so-thoughtfully-provided!" squeals Elladora. "Tell all the prisoners I say hello!"
Peter disappears with a pop and a burst of… well; do you really want to know? You do? Don't say I didn't warn you.
Peter disappears with a pop and a burst of rat droppings.
"Voldie?"
"Of course, Elladora. My pleasure," says Voldemort with a grin. He steps in front of the camera. "Well that's the end of another round of Crazy Chats! Draco Malfoy and his father, Lucius, are now attempting to find there way around their new home, GREENLAND! Peter Pettigrew has been locked in the-secret-dungeon-located-under-the-Hogsmeade-store-Dervish-and-Banges, -which-is-now-guarded-by-the-winged-monkeys-that-Draco-so-thoughtfully-provided with the various other prisoners she's condemned down there for eternity or… until she gets bored with torturing." Voldemort turns around to find Elladora chasing Ron Weasley across the stage while throwing large amounts of Bertie Bott's Beans at the back of his head. "Nope, she's not bored yet. Until next time!"
Did you like it? I hope it was worth the wait! Luck, love, and any craziness I can spare! E.D.J.
