Disclaimer- Harry Potter, I do not own thee and I never will! Woe is me!

Authoress's Note- Dearie, it's been a bit, eh-blushes- Busy, busy, and lazy is what I am! Apologies! With a hope to appease anyone who wishes to maim me, EpisodeTwelve is up and ready for reviewing! E.D.J.

Thanks for the gorgeously wonderful, splendid, splendid reviews!

fire-icecat- Ah I hadno idea Rita Mae Brown wasan author! I'll have to check her out some time-chokes- The guy who places Professor Lupin looks like Hitler? He kinda does! That's just too creepy for words! Glad you liked the chapter!

Romulan Empress- Yuck! Slytherins are your favorites! We won't go into a whole rant by me-grins- Scum! That's all I'll say.I'm glad you liked He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in the last chapter!

Telwyn Dubois- Yes your review is quite insane. Lovely little song/poem there by the way. I'm glad you liked Rita's story even if you didn't review it! Glad you liked the Greenland bit as well!

Trish Shakespeare- I'm glad you liked it and I'll try to get some more questions if I can work them in!

Serena van der Woodsen- Yay glad you liked the Greenland bit! Random country that came to mind! Ah the 'update soon'! The scarring! The pain! It burns-rolls on the ground writhering-stands up, brushes self off, and breathes rapidly- Alright I'm good, I'm good.

zumanity57- I'm glad you liked the randomness!

ThelovelyladyLily- I'm glad you liked the Greenland bit as well! And poo, I didn't think of how I'll keep track of Draco there. I suppose a powerful Summoning Charm might get him back in a jiff if I feel the need to torture him.

Harry Lvr- I'm glad you like it and I suppose this fic does take some time to get used since -cough- there's a bit of randomness now and then. Alright a lot of randomness-grins-

M.E.R Lupin- You read your sister's diary? Bad M.E.R Lupin! Wellif it give you something to compareCrazy Chats to...I'm glad you liked Grawp break dancing off stage! Hee hee!

vixen black- Lovely little "run Ronney run" bit. Hee hee.


Requests For De Snog

Fred/George- fire-icecat, Trish Shakespeare

Remus- fire-icecat, Elladora D. Jobberknoll, Harry Lvr

Oliver Wood- fire-icecat

Harry- Harry Lvr

James- Harry Lvr

Sirius- vixen black

And again Telwyn Dubois wishes to snog everyone except for, in her own words, "those slimy, slythering Slytherins. And of course, the short, pitiful, whiny coward w/ the incurable rash, pimples, and overbite." And to end with the words of Jimmy Buffett: "Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum!" E.D.J.


"Let's hear it for Crazy Chats!" shouts Elladora, waving her hands in the air.

Blinding light fills the large room and the audience members hop to their feet after spending a month or so twiddling their thumbs in the dark.

"Now," says Elladora primly, smoothing her robes as she lounges onher brand-new, imperial-looking armchair, "where are our guests?"

A loud string of curses erupts from near the ceiling. Everyone looks up to see former Gryffindor Quidditch captain, Angelina Johnson, dangling upside downfrom liberal amounts of strawberry-flavored chewing gum.

"Peeves!" scolds Elladora. "I told you to show her to the guest lounge!"

With a loud cackle, Peeves zooms out from backstage and floats lazily above the interviewer's head. "Must have misheard you," he says innocently, stifling a chuckle.

"Of course you 'misheard' me," says Elladora, rolling her eyes. "Now out of my sight, you bloody miscreant."

"Language, language," says Peeves in a singsong voice. "Won't go anywhere when you use that tone."

"I heard Random Crew Members #32 and #6 are planning some… redecoration in Voldie's dressing room," Elladora whispers, making sure the man behind the camera can't hear anything. "Something you'd be interested in helping with, Peeves?"

Peeves's eyes glimmer mischievously. "Perhaps… am I allowed to use chewing gum?"

"If I say no, you'll use it anyhow," says Elladora with a slight yawn.

"True," says Peeves before zooming off again.

Elladora glances up at the ceiling again. "Dear me, dear me, Angelina, you're in quite a pickle, aren't you?"

"Get me down," says Angelina through clenched teeth. "I will kill that poltergeist if it's the last thing I do."

"Now, I won't do anything if you use that tone with me, Angie," says Elladora lightly, sounding eerily similar toPeeves. "But, given that I am in dire need of guests on the show, I'll get you down."

With a wave of her wand and a lovely Severing Charm, the strands of strawberry-flavored chewing gum stuck to the ceiling snap, and Angelina plummets through the air with a strangled shriek. Elladora conjures up a Cushioning Charm, but, unfortunately, she is about six feet too far to the right, and Angelina smashes into the stage with a sickening crack.

"Ooh that's gotta hurt," says Elladora in a sport's announcer voice. "We may need to call some Healers out here! Healers, get out here!"

A troop of white-robed wizards who look suspiciously like members of Elladora's roadie crew hurry on stage and begin prodding at Angelina's unconscious form and muttering to themselves.

Elladora pulls a surgeon's mask out of thin air and strides over to the group surrounding Angelina. "Cracked vertebrae?" she asks.

"Well erm… well you see… erm…" stutters Random Crew Member/Healer #19, terrified by Elladora's cold, determined stare.

Elladora grabs Random Crew Member/Healer #19 and shakes him violently. "Damn it, man, we're losing precious time!" (A/N- Borrowed that from Friends, but I'm sure they've said it somewhere else as well. –shrugs- I disclaim it all.)

"Yes, cracked vertebrae, miss!" squeaks Random Crew Member/Healer #19 before falling down ina dead faint out of sheer fear.

"Random Crew Member/Healer #190?" asks Elladora and Random Crew Member/Healer #190 rushes to her side and salutes. "Please remove Random Crew Member/Healer #19's pathetic, sorry body from the stage and then you'll be required to take over his job. Go."

"Already gone and removing his pathetic, sorry body!" shouts Random Crew Member/Healer #190, hurrying over to Random Crew Member/Healer #19's pathetic, sorry body and struggling to drag it backstage. He struggles for a few minutes before Random Crew Member/Healer #28 takes pity on him and reminds of the lovely ways a wand can come in handy when wanting to remove a body in order to keep the wrath of one's employer off one's self.

Once Random Crew Member/Healer #190 returns, Elladora stretches her arms above her head. "Alright, boys. Let's get cracking. Cue the dramatic, tension-filled music, Grawpie."

Dramatic, tension-filled music with a slight polka edge begins wafting through the studio, and the audience sits on the edge of its seats in order to see everything in Crazy Chat's first ever in-studio Healing. Incidentally, it's also Elladora's first ever Healing as well. In fact, she's had no medical training whatsoever, magical or otherwise.

"Pickax," says Elladora dramatically, holding out her hand. She receives it instantly and sets to work.

The work continues in a similar fashion for quite some time.

"Pliers."

"Wrench."

"Lighter fluid."

"Glue."

"Spare hippogriff brain."

"Spork."

"Phoenix feather."

"Mooncalf dung."

"Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans."

"Stapler."

"That pickax again."

"Monocle."

Finally, with a dramatic, tension-filled pause, Elladora breathes, "Wand." She is handed her wand and, with a deep breath, she begins murmuring spells. After a few moments, with a convenient crash of lightning, she shrieks, "IT LIVES!"

All the crew members/Healers step back as Angelina slowly sits up and yawns. "What happened?" she mutters. Her eyes widen as she catches sight of Elladora. "YOU!" she shrieks.

"Ella-dora," says Elladora slowly as if she is speaking to a small child. "Now, would ickle Angie like to come answers a few eensy weensy questions?"

"No, ickle Angie would not like to-" Angelina stops and glares at Elladora who shrugs innocently. "I want to go back to school!"

"I'm afraid that's not possible," says Elladora sweetly, and, with a snap of her magic fingers, a crowd of crew members, who now are no longer going to be referred to as 'Healers' because of course Elladora did everything in the process of getting Angelina almost back to normal, surround her.

"You can't keep me here!" shouts Angelina furiously. "I have my-" She pauses and digs in her pockets. Her face turns pale. "Where's my wand?"

"Oh this?" asks Elladora with a slight smirk, twirling a slim pale wand between her fingers. "I only confiscated it for safety precautions. You'll get it back. Eventually. All you have to do is let me interview you."

"Fine?" says Angelina flatly, pulling herself up on a lime-green sofa. "What do you want to know?"

"Oh, but we haven't gotten the rest of our guests here yet!" says Elladora, pouting slightly. "GRAWP?"

Grawp lumbers on stage with Alicia Spinnet and Katie Bell on his shoulders. He gently sets them down and goes back to help 'redecorate' Voldie's dressing room.

"THAT-WAS-BRILLIANT!" says Katie breathlessly. "WE-JUST-RODE-A-GIANT!"

"They're not at all as scary as everyone says they are," adds Alicia as she and Katie sit down next to Angelina. "He was really nice."

"Just wait until he's helping Peeves hang you from the ceiling from a load of chewing gum," says Angelina sullenly.

Elladora grins. "Now, girls," she says, clearing her throat. "What it's like being on the best Quidditch team Gryffindor's had in years?"

"Well, we all know it's because of Harry," says Alicia generously. "Our last Seeker was horrible."

"Oh Merlin, he really was!" says Angelina, nodding and coming out of her sulky mood. "I don't think he caught the Snitch once, not even at practice."

"Angelina, I know you've graduated and all, but if you were still captain what would you do if your Keeper and Seeker happened to come back from Hogsmeade severely emotionally scarred?" asks Elladora. "Hypothetically of course."

Angelina squints narrowly at her. "I knew I'd heard of you before! Rumors have been flying around that Harry Potter and Ron Weasley have gone mad babbling about some witch who keeps kidnapping them!"

"Guilty," says Elladora, raising a hand and not looking particularly guilty at all. "Entertainment is what people want. Am I right?"

The audience roars and cheers wildly.

"You're really the reason why so many of Harry Potter characters are thought to be going mad?" asks Katie, eyes wide. "Is that going to happen to us?"

"Most likely," says Elladora, looking at her nails. "Now this is getting a little boring, innit? Why don't we take the craziness up a few levels, alright?"

Ron Weasley, who looks to be tied upwith a number of two-headed snakes, hops on stage screaming, "NO! DON'T UP THE CRAZINESS LEVEL! NO!"

Elladora stuns him with her wand, and Ron falls to the ground, rigid. The three Gryffindor girls stare at her, terrified. Elladora gives them a dazzling smile and holds up her wand. All three girls gulp and take off in different directions.

"Oh dear, who do I maim first?" says Elladora thoughtfully, chewing the end of her wand and, consequentially, sending a beam of gold light at Alicia's back. Alicia promptly disappears and is replaced by a bright yellow Kneazle. The Kneazle hisses and walks off stage in search of Peter Pettigrew in his Animagus form to chase/eat/ or preferably wipe from the face of the earth.

"One down," says Elladora, her face alive with pleasure. "Now, Katie!" With a wave of her wand, Katie is instantly stopped from attempting to scale the studio's back wall and is trapped in a large gilt cage complete with a large canary who used to be Blaise Zabini for company.

"One to go," Elladora smiles sinisterly and turns to find Angelina brandishing a large piece of lighting equipment above the interviewer's head. "Oh, we can't have assassination attempts, can we?" Elladora shakes her finger at Angelina, and, with a flick of her wand, freezes Angelina in place. "Naughty, naughty canon characters. Need to teach them a lesson, don't we, precious?" Elladora rubs a lock of Remus's hair between her fingers and cackles. "Now, remember we did indeed place a lovely little spell on her when we healed her, didn't we?" With a wave of her wand, Angelina unfreezes but her eyes are droopy and unfocused.

"You listen to me!" says Elladora, excitedly hopping up and down. "Destroy anything in the studio, and, then, rebuild it newer and better than before!"

"Yes, Mistress," mumbles Angelina, promptly whirling and smashing her piece of lighting equipment into the nearest wall.

"I'm off, Voldie!" yells Elladora. She skips offstage.

Lord Voldemort steps in front of the camera. "We've reached the end of another episode of what's becoming the classic fanfiction, Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter Characters! Do you need a recap? You don't? Well, you get it anyway! It's what I'm paid to do! Wait am I getting paid for this? Anyhow, Alicia Spinnet has been turned to a lovely shade of yellow Kneazle and is lying in wait for Peter Pettigrew. You're in for a lovely surprise when you wake up, Wormtail! Katie Bell has been trapped inside a cage with Blaise Zabini who still happens to be a canary! Guess those Canary Creams take longer to wear off with Elladora's special ingredient added! Last, but certainly not least, former Quidditch captain, Angelina Johnson, has been turned into a sort of zombie under Elladora's control and is now wreaking havoc on the studio! Watch out for the lighting equipment, folks! It's painful! And why the hell has everyone been whispering about my dressing room? I have an inkling feeling I'm going to be in a rather foul mood when I find out. Until next time! Dark Lord out!" (A/N- Yes, yes, American Idol. Don't own that!)


So how did you all like it? Care to send to me a little review-gestures furiously- I need a reward for my wonderfully mad and random efforts! E.D.J.