Disclaimer: I'm not smart enough to own Home and Away.
He has been gone for a year. Twelve long months. Twelve long months and that is just the beginning. Because he's gone forever, hasn't he? No one will ever see him again, no one will ever see those eyes that always had a special twinkle in them, see that massive cheeky grin he always had. No one will ever hear his laugh again or go to him for advice.
Everyone who has ever known him has felt so much from his death. Sadness…pain…anger. Hayley has definitely felt all of these emotions and more. She has shed so many tears over him and she wishes that he would just come and wipe them all away for her. She is going through hell, and I don't think she'll ever come out from this hell that has taking over her from the moment that trigger was pulled.
But I'm going through a worse hell myself.
Each day that passes me by, I think of what could have been. I have got so many questions that I want answered, but there is no one to answer them. Could Noah and I be the ones that got married that day, if only one of us had been braver? Why did no one try harder to keep him alive? What would have happened if I didn't run away at that dance? Would I have been the one in Hayley's place now?
My hell is worse compared to Hayley's. At least she has memories of him. She has paintings of them together, she has items that belong to him, and she has photos of their wedding day. Hayley has gained his love…something that will never happen to me. What memories do I have of him? Only faint memories of the way we used to exchange banter. Faint memories of his face, faint memories of how I used to watch him surf. But there is one memory that I have that is so strong, so familiar. It is of how he helped me. He has helped me so much and I want him back. I want him here next to me, to help me again. Because while I walk around alone, I glance into shops and see bottles, bottles of the liquid that at one time nearly caused by death. I want to reach for one and drown myself and maybe I could see Noah again. But I know that is silly, I shouldn't have let that even cross my mind! What would have happened to all my family and friends if I thought about becoming an alcoholic again? It wouldn't be fair and I know that, but I just want something to take this pain away.
I miss him and it hurts.
I love him and it hurts.
I just want him.
And I wish he had lived…but even if he had lived, he would be with Hayley, not me. I just have to face it.
But there is still one question on my mind, that I want answered…
Did he ever love me?
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