I finished! Yay! Yes! Meep! Woot! WAHOO! Happy day! it turned out to be six pages long, and I ended it when Frodo is mourning over Gandalf. (Right when they come out of Moria.) This is exactly how I typed it... feel free to upload it anytime.

Chapter 5: Of Claustrophobic Elves and Butter Knives

A/N: Hello, this is x-LadyoftheRing-x. I will be writing a few chapters in, "The Almost Two Heroes of Middle-earth' from the viewpoint of Crystal (AKA Elanor).. I'm apologizing in advance for any typos, horribly bad canon, or anything else that you flamers like to rant about. That being said, let's get on with the story!

Disclaimer: I own everything! You heard me correctly, I own it all! Which is precisely why I'm writing a fanfic about my OWN creation, because I don't want to make millions off of it. Queue Tolkien turning over in his grave …alright, I don't own anything. But that doesn't mean I can't pretend. Right? …right!

Crystal

Sam was redistributing all of the bags from Bill the pony, practically sobbing.

"Buh-bye, Bill." he said sadly. Aragorn walked over to Sam and tried to comfort him. "Don't worry, Sam. He knows the way home."

I was busy skipping stones over the water nearby, trying to pass the time. Merry and Pippin started to follow, and Mr. Bubbles decided to ruin our fun. He grabbed Merry's arm. "Do not disturb the water." Mean old Mr. Bubbles.

Meanwhile, Gandalf was starting to give up on opening the accursed door thingamabob. I walked over to Lorwen. "Lorwen" I whispered. "What is it" She replied. "I think we should try and help ol' Gandy out over there." He was banging his head against the door, screaming 'For the love of Valar, open!' occasionally. "I think you may be right, my little hobbity friend." "Well, I have an idea."

After careful planning, and much consideration, we finally cam up with a plan. I stole all of Sam's cooking gear, and Lorwen fashioned a megaphone out of a piece of notebook paper from her backpack of backpackiness. We both grabbed a pan, some spoons, and proudly ran around making as much noise as possible. Lorwen held the paper megaphone up to her mouth. "Elanor and I have an announcement to make" All of the fellowship moaned, aside from Gandalf who seemed to be suffering from head trauma. "We like to be FRIENDS" Everyone resumed what they were doing before, (nothing) while we ran around shouting 'friends' for the next ten minutes.

Frodo stepped up, brows furrowed to the door. "It's a riddle. Speak 'friend' and enter... what's the elvish word for friend" At the same time, Gandalf, Lorwen and I all said 'mellon.' The stone, mountain, rock, door thing opened to show the dark chasm that we were about to enter.

Lorwen peered inside of the dark opening nervously. I cocked an eyebrow, and looked at her curiously. "Oh, come on now. What's the matter?" She looked extremely paranoid. "Well, it's just that… I don't exactly like the idea of being underground, with a bunch of dead bodies. Along with the fact that we'll be cased by a giant demon of flamey doom!" "Come on, it won't be that bad."

At that, I turned to Frodo, took his and dragged him inside. The rest of the Fellowship came inside and started walking around. Gimli began to gloat about how 'hospitable' his dead cousin was, when Borimir stated the obvious. "This is no mine, it's a tomb" Gimli started screaming at the top of his lungs. I clung to Frodo from the sudden noise, and Borimir was shouting nonsense about"Going back to his city" and"We never should have come here." Foolish human...

I started walking back to the door, Frodo in tow, when he slipped from out of my arms. Sam, Merry, Pippin and I all shouted"Frodo" Apparently the gargantuan octopus had grabbed Frodo by the leg. Sam began to hack away at the tentacle that was holding onto Frodo, when I realized that I had no weapon. I ran over to Lorwen's backpack, and found a butter knife at the bottom of her endless backpack.

"Damn ,this thing is useful."

We, (as in all of the hobbits) started stabbing the octopus thingie with whatever we could get our hands on, whilst Sam and Merry screamed for Bubbles to help. We eventually got Frodo down, only for Borimir to catch him. Curses.

Everyone ran inside, Lorwen included, as boulders rained down on our only exit.

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Part Two: More Twister and Muffins!

As soon as the rock wall now behind us settle, Gandalf whispered some sweet nothings to his staff, which began glowing. Lorwen handed out flashlights to everyone.

"We now have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world." Said Dandy Gandy.

We all began to pick our way across the floor, that is, round the dead bodies.

Lorwen not only seemed to be claustrophobic, but she was also grossed out by the skeletons littering the floor. She's an elf! Elves aren't supposed to be bothered by the dead! Foolish elf. "Elle… I see dead people." She stuttered. I took her endless backpack of DOOM off of her shoulders, handed her a teddy bear, and ran back over to Frodo. Gandy started up again.

"Quietly now. It's a four-day journey to the other side. Let us hope that our presence may go unnoticed."

"Oh, joy." I said. Not only was there no light, no chance to go off and snog Frodo, AND no possible way of defending myself, we'd be down there for four days not able to make a sound. I curse this evil place! Curse it!

We eventually came to a flight of stairs. Unfortunately, each step was as tall as I was. Curses.

Pippin slipped onto Merry, who yelled at Pippin, at which point I yelled at Merry. After the ensuing fight, causing everyone to take twice as long to climb the stairs, we reached the top. Once again, we came to a problem.

"I have no memory of this place"

We were all standing in front of three ominous doors, all leading in different directions. Pippin started complaining that he was hungry, so I grabbed Lorwen's trusted backpack again.

"What are those?" Pippin asked.

"This my friend, is a muffin." I held up a glorious blueberry muffin. I handed them out to all of the fellowship, who all approved. Leggy-poo even deemed it better than Lembas. By this time, Gandalf had figured out the correct way to go. In the wise words of Toucan Sam he said, "No, but the air doesn't smell so foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose."

We walked down the passageway into a large room. Gandalf illuminated the room with his staff, for all of our mouths to drop open. The movies (nor the books) gave justice to what we were looking at.

We were standing in a gigantic room, where there were pillars carved into stone, stretching as far as I could see. There was an amazing attention to detail here, and it was obvious that it had taken thousands of years to sculpt the pillars. They reached the very tops of the ceiling, which loomed over us, probably a hundred feet in height. The ceiling disappeared into a black void, which was creepy, it was also beautiful at the same time. It was amazing.

After much walking, Gimli turned his head and started wailing. He ran towards a room with a bright light emitting from it. Gimli started yelling (again.) and ran inside. He started sobbing, kneeling over the grave of his cousin.

Cry baby. We all followed into the large room, almost like all of the others, but there was a well, Balin's tomb, and a large book laying somewhere in between the two objects. The floor was also riddled with corpses and arrows.

Gandalf examined the inscription on the tomb, translating it for the rest of us. "'Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria.' He is dead then. Its as I feared." Gandy leaned over towards pippin and handed him his hat and staff, taking the book lying on the floor. He cleared off the dust and dirt lying on the cover.

Leggo leaned over towards Mr. Bubbles, whispering. "We must move on," said Leggo. "We cannot linger." Apparently Lorwen was enjoying her elvish hearing to the fullest extent, and was eavesdropping on their every word.

Gandalf began to read the last entry from the journal. "They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A Shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out...They are coming."

Pip set down Gandy's cane and hat. He began walking towards the well, and his eyes were brimming with curiosity.

There was a skeleton sitting on the edge of the well, with an arrow sticking out of its torso. It was holding onto a chain, linked to a bucket sitting on the edge. Pippin lightly touched the arrow, causing the skeleton's head to roll over, followed by the body, chain and bucket. The sound echoed throughout the entire room, with him wincing at every wave of noise that followed.

Gandalf walked over to him, and picked up his staff and hat. "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!" Oh, those sweet words.

Seconds later, the sound of drums started to come from the floor. Sam indicated to all of us that Frodo's sword was glowing, whereas Leggy reclaimed his title as Mr. Obvious. "Orcs!" he cried. Borimir ran to the door, and got several arrows near his face as a welcome. Aragorn told all of the Hobbits to stay close to Gandalf, when I started to protest that neither Lorwen or I had anything to defend ourselves with.

He repeated himself. I jumped into Frodo's arms, and to my surprise (and delight) he held onto me. Yay!

A battle ensued, with much violence, blood and gore. Lorwen grabbed me and we both ran into a corner away from all of the fighting. I was happy to see all of them kick some major ass, until a few orcs discovered us in the corner. Aragorn ran over and stabbed both of them in the back.

Lorwen was waving her arms in the air, screaming for Legolas to save her.

"Thank you, o mighty Bubbles!" I said.

Aragorn nodded and continued fighting.

The battle continued for a while, when the annoying cave troll appeared. He made a beeline for Sam, who dodged underneath his mighty mace of maceyness. Lorwen and I were playing some more twister.

"Left hand on green!"

"Right foot on blue!"

"There's an evil cave troll about to mutilate Frodo!"

"…there's no space for that."

Frodo started yelling. "Aragorn? Aragorn!"

Frodster stabbed the cave troll in his hand, (nice one) and fell to the floor. Aragorn ran towards the troll, and stabbed him in the chest with a spear. The troll looked rather pissed off, which was fair enough now that he had a bleeding hand and a twenty foot pole sticking out from his abdomen. The troll took his good hand and knocked Aragorn across the room. Frodo ran over to him, trying to get him up. Poor Frodo. The troll took the spear, pole, thingie out of his chest, and rammed it towards Frodo.

Frodo foamed at the mouth rather attractively, (only the way HE can) and moaned. He slumped to the ground. Uh-oh, the troll tried something. Sam's going to have to kill him… maniacal laughter in the distance I ran over to his side and grabbed his hand, rubbing it in between my own.

Merry and Pippin leaped onto the troll and began bashing it in the head with their lil' daggers. Merry was flung onto the ground, and Gandalf and Gimli went psycho on all of the orcs. And the troll. Leggo took aim at the trolls neck, and Pippin took another slash at it's head. The troll reared its head back, and Legolas shot an arrow straight into it's neck. The troll let out a groan and fell to the floor, knocking Pippin unconscious next to him.

The fellowship ran over to Frodo to see if he was alright. He lifted his head up, and groaned again.

Sam's face glowed. "He's alive!"

I rolled my eyes, and reluctantly stepped back a few feet.

Frodo stood up, leaning against the wall. "I'm alright, I'm not hurt."

I clapped my hands, and started dancing with Lorwen.

"You should be dead!" Exclaimed Mr. Bubbles. "That spear would have skewered a wild boar!"

Gandalf raised an eyebrow, and said, "I think that there's more to this hobbit than meets the eye."

Frodo looked up at Gandy, and lifted up the edge of his shirt (SQUEE!) to reveal his mithril shirt.

"Mithril! You are full of surprises, Master Baggins." commented Gimli-kins.

The sound of orcs were heard again down the hall.

"To the bridge of Khazad-dum!" Shouted Gandalf. We all ran out the door, back into the hall we were in before. Orcs were crawling out of the ceiling like termites, and we were soon surrounded. A bright, orange light came from the end of the hall.

"What is this new devilry?" Whispered Borimir.

"A Balrog- a demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. Run!"

We all ran down the hall, towards a large staircase. Borimir almost fell off the edge, but Legolas caught him. Merry, Pippin, Sam, Frodo and I all came running up from behind, coming dangerously close to the edge of the stair as well. Lorwen, Gandalf and Aragorn brought up the rear.

"Gandalf." Said Bubbles.

Gandalf turned to Aragorn. "Lead them on Aragorn. The bridge is near. Do as I say! Swords are no more use here."

We all came to the infamous gap in the stairs. Leggo leaped across it, beckoning Gandalf to come over. Gandalf leapt after him. Arrows started coming towards us, and a few hit the steps near our feet. Lorwen screamed and jumped across, carrying me with her.

"Curses, you vile, unelvish fool!" I yelled.

"Oh, be quiet." She said. "You'll thank me later!"

Legolas and Aragorn were shooting arrows back at the orcs opposite to us, whilst Borimir, Merry and Pippin hopped over. Aragorn tossed Sam over to Borimir. He reached over to pick up Gimli, but he raised his hand.

"Nobody tosses a dwarf." He leaped over the gap, but tripped on the edge. Legolas caught him by the beard. Lorwen and I started laughing, but to our dismay, the steps Frodster and Bubbles were on started to crumble. The light from the Balrog came through an opening on the other side of the bridge. A large rock fell in between the bridge, separating Frodo and Aragorn from the rest of us. The rock fell through, weakening the foundation of the crumbling bridge even more. The two of them were standing on an isle in the middle of the Balrog and the fellowship. Aragorn indicated to shift their weight, and they came crashing into the rest of us. We all ran down the stairs, as they crumbled behind us. (Indiana Jones style, oh yeah!)

"Over the bridge!" shouted Gandalf. "Fly!"

We all ran across a narrow bridge, just reaching the other side, when the Balrog came in. Damn flaming imp!

"You cannot pass!" Gandalf illuminated his staff, creating a white, force fieldish thing around him. I resisted the urge to go and touch it.

"Gandalf!" shouted Frodo. I swooned.

Gandy continued. "I am the servant of the Secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. The dark fire will not avail you! Flame of Udun!"

The Balrog hit Gandalf with his flaming sword of coolness. Gandalf parried with his sword, somehow shattering the Balrog's sword.

"Go back to the shadow!"

The Balrog brandished his whip. FLAMING whip. Everything's cooler when it's on fire.

"YOU… SHALL NOT… PASS!" Screamed Gandalf. He slammed his staff into the bridge. The Balrog went to step forward, and the floor collapsed from under him. I ran around doing a victory dance with Lorwen.

We chanted, "Gandy beat the Balrog! Gandy beat the Balrog!"

He leaned over his staff, exhausted. At the last second, the Balrog's whip came up, wrapping it around Gandalf's ankle and dragged him over the edge. Frodo ran forward to help him, but Borimir held him back.

"No, Frodo!" said Borimir.

"Gandaaaaaaaaaaalf!" Screamed Frodo.

Gandalf lost his grip on the edge. "Fly, you fools."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Screamed Frodo- again.

Borimir grabbed Frodo, and called for Aragorn. Frodo was still screaming.

Aragorn stood, staring at the bridge for a moment, in shock. Lorwen and I had stopped dancing a while back, and I was running towards Borimir and Frodo. We all ran out towards the exit, chased by orcs and flurries of arrows. We finally emerged into the daylight.

Sam was bent over, head in his hands, weeping. Merry was holding Pippin who was crying. Legolas stood looking out into the distance. (Damn pansy elf!) Borimir was trying to restrain Gimli, who was, er, venting. I was sobbing, using the edge of Lorwen's sleeve as a handkerchief. She was crying as well.

"Lorwen, why are we crying?"

"Because our bishies are crying, Leggo is hot, and Frodo won't smile again until the end of The Two Towers!" We both continued crying.

"Legolas, get them up." Said Aragorn.

"Give them a moment, for pity's sake." replied Borimir.

"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs! We must reach the woods of Lothlórien. Come Borimir, Legolas, Gimli, get them up. On your feet, Sam." he hoisted up Sam, who sniffled. Aragorn looked around.

"Frodo? Frodo!"

Frodo stood a few feet away, silent. A tear ran down the side of his cheek.

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Well, that's the end of the chapter. Sorry it took so long to post, but I'm a slow writer. Please review, but flamers will be fed to my bodyguards cannibalistic potato chips. Stay tuned!