Title: Moments Series: The Killer… Coda
Author: Su Freund
Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)
Category: PoV, Episode Tag, Angst
Content Warnings: Use of mild language
Pairings: Jack and Sam
Season: Four
Spoilers: Entity
Fiction Rating: T
Summary: Jack's thoughts when they save Sam
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to The Killer, which is based on an earlier moment in the same episode. Drabble series of POVs based on a moment from an episode
Status: Complete
Disclaimer: Not mine and sadly never will be. No copyright infringement is intended. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund
Archive: My site, Jackfic, SJD
Author's Note: Called a drabble because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not necessarily written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence - except my whim in writing them. Dedicated to Trish who "encouraged and directed" me to write about this particular moment.
The Killer… Coda
Damn! Do I look too pleased? Wipe that smile off your face, Jack, you'll give too much away! I so nearly touched you, Sam, needing to confirm you're really here, but I can't do that. I can't allow myself that pleasure. I don't deserve that after what I did. Nor can I let myself express those feelings. It's not allowed. I definitely shouldn't be smiling. What have I got to smile about? That you're alive? Sure, that's great, but I came too close to losing you; too close to killing you. How do I forgive myself that? How do you?
Jeez, you're really here: smiling with your smile, speaking with your voice, alive with your life. Your blue eyes are full of light again. We heard you Sam, but only just. Wish we'd heard you sooner. I was this close to sniffing you out forever, but then I thought I'd already done that. Thank God for Daniel's brain. I could hug the guy. You would be dead now, if it wasn't for him. You saved my soul Danny boy; saved my sanity, and my love. You did something I could never have done for myself. I didn't hear her calling.
I smile but feel hollow. I'm happy you're back with us, but still dying inside. It's gonna take a while to forgive myself, if I ever can. Not sure I can. This close. Crap! What do you think of your CO and friend now, huh? Do you understand why I did it? Sitting mourning by your empty husk I thought you would, but now I'm not so sure. You're smiling too, but is it as hollow as mine? Do you think I'm cold and heartless to kill a friend so easily. Believe me, it wasn't easy Sam. It's never easy.
God forgive me. Maybe he will, but can you? If I can't then why should you? How will you see me from now on? How will this affect us? Wish I knew what the future held, but maybe it's good that I don't. I hope I never have to make that choice again. A choiceless choice. It's hard to hold life in your hands and play God with it. That shouldn't be my decision but it is, all too often, and it never gets any easier. This time maybe I've been saved along with you, just for a little while.
This time was probably one of the hardest because it was you. It was this close: this close to killing, to crying, and maybe to madness and death inside. Can you see my hidden tears, fear and pain, Sam? Can you see beyond my mask? You're alive and that makes me happy, but I killed you. That kinda spoils the whole happy relief thing. Don't think badly of me, Sam, I can't handle that. You couldn't think more badly of me than I do of myself. I'm not cold-hearted, I'm just me. Jack O'Neill; killer. Worse; friend killer. I'm damned!
But I am more than that, Sam, truly I am. I hope you see that too. My love, my respect, my undying friendship, loyalty and trust. My soul isn't entirely black, although it might have become that if today had turned out differently. Who knows? It has black patches, and shades of grey, but there's color inside there too. You only have to look. You only have to see what's right there in front of you. I never want to visit that dark place again. I've been there before and it's cold, lonely and forbidding. God help me, forgive me.
Now we have more time. I thought time had slipped through my fingers, and I've been granted a reprieve, but will I ever feel normal again? Can I ever cleanse my sullied soul? Like Lady MacBeth, the blood on my hands may never wash away. 'Out damned spot, out I say!' Maybe some of that vital force that lives within you can rub off on me. Maybe those beautiful big blue eyes will penetrate and decontaminate my soul. What can I do with that extra time? Can I do something good and find redemption? I'm gonna be looking… I'll try.
Maybe I'm beyond redemption. Maybe that was my final test and I flunked, big time. Thing is, I know I did right, and yet it felt so wrong. Crap! I can't square this circle right now and probably never will. I just know that smile is starting to heal me, salving my blackened soul; those eyes are warming my icy heart, making me feel alive. I shouldn't feel this good after I did something so bad and unforgivable. Sam, please forgive me for not being a hero, for falling off my white horse. It's so great to have you back.
The End
