Author's Note: I wish to thank my amazing betas: MoosieMC and Katera for the tough love and the help. This story is better for the input.
A/N 2: This is the R-rated, fit for version of Countdown. If you want to read the original (i.e. NC-17) version, head over to Lukewarm and check it out.
Disclaimer: Even though I have worked hard in the past five years to do so, I own nothing connected to the Gilmore girls. Amy Sherman-Palladino stills owns them; it would be nice if she started treating them a little better.
Spoilers: Not a one. Most of this isn't even canon anymore.
Countdown by outtabreath
"Five, Lorelai," he continued.
"Eeep," I squeaked, backing up.
"Four."
"Luke," I said, holding my hands up. To ward him off or to grab him, I wasn't sure yet; but I had to figure it out fast.
"Three," he began moving towards me, a predatory glint in his eyes.
How had we gotten from ten to three so fast?
"Two."
He was in front of me and I could feel his heat prickling my skin.
"One."
-Ten Minutes Earlier-
"Go home, Lorelai," he said, turning and heading up the stairs, ending the conversation.
I sat at the counter and watched him go, debating with myself. This was my out. I could leave and pretend that this had never happened, or I could be a grown-up and follow him. I didn't muse too long. I chose to go up the stairs even though my legs were shaking the entire climb, even though I almost turned around and fled several times. Quite simply, I knew that I had to do this.
As I reached the landing, I realized that he had known I would follow him. The door to his apartment was open and he was standing in the middle of the room staring at me as I walked in. He looked angry: his hands were clenched at his sides and he was rigid, every muscle tensed. I didn't care.
I stood in the doorway and readied to speak. He interrupted me as soon as I opened my mouth, "Lorelai, why are you doing this? You wanted me to stop it and I did." His voice caught, "Haven't I always done what you wanted me to? I did what it took to keep you in my life in any way that I could. It killed me to do it, but I did what you wanted," his voice broke and he looked like he was bleeding inside. "Why are you doing this to me now?"
"Luke," I said, stepping forward, into the room and towards him.
He stepped back.
I stopped and looked him in the eye, met his pained gaze squarely and unflinchingly. "Luke, I was stupid and scared. I didn't want things to change." I took a deep steadying breath, finally letting my heart speak, "I thought I didn't want things to change," I started to pace, flinging my hands around to punctuate my statements and keep me from grabbing him. "I was having panic attacks and everything was too much all of a sudden. I couldn't deal with everything being thrown at me. Rory, my parents, the Dragonfly, you. You were expendable."
He clenched his fists tighter and sharply exhaled. I kept racing along, terrified to lose momentum and my nerve. "I thought you were expendable. I was wrong. You..." I trailed off, not sure how to put my cascading emotions into words. "You were Luke. My friend, my confidante, my coffee-dealer, my chef," I was on a roll now, "my fix-it man, my investor, my shoulder to cry on, my supporter. I never realized how all of those things made you my Luke. Now I know it. You belong to me, Luke. You're mine and I'm yours and I want you in my life. Really, really in my life. I know you don't want to hear this, considering everything else, but I want you to know that this how things are. I like having you close to me, I like that you adore me, I like that I am terrified right now, but I'm still here. I like that you love me and that I love you and that I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone or anything in my entire life."
I was breathing hard - my heart was racing and I was sure I was going to pass out. "Luke, do you understand? I am petrified. I wish that I could have lived a full and happy life without coming here, but that's not an option anymore. We belong to each other and I had to tell you that and show you that I'm sorry and that I'm not going to run away because I'm scared. I can't. I can't be without you anymore. I don't just love you and want you, Luke, I need you. Not just as my fix-it guy or my cook or any of those other things. I need you to be my Luke. Mine. And no one else's." I was exhausted and terrified and elated. I had run out of words and now I needed to wait for Luke to catch up with me.
He had not moved a muscle. His expression was shuttered and grim and I was sure that I had lost him. My epiphany had come too late for him; he had, as always, done what I had asked him to do; this time, he had turned off his feelings for me. He took a deep, ragged breath, then another. His stony and implacable gaze met mine. "Lorelai, if you're playing with my head..."
"No!" I said, too quickly and too loudly.
His eyes narrowed, he unclenched his fists and he continued, "I am not in the mood for a Lorelai 'come here-go away' game."
"No game, no playing," I said, flushing and shaking. His gaze was hot and fixed, and he stared for so long I began to squirm.
Suddenly, he said, in a voice low and heavy, "I want to believe that you're serious, Lorelai. I do want this - I want you, that hasn't changed," the rush of relief was almost painful, "but, Lorelai, I want all of you. I think I've waited long enough.
"We both know what you do - you run when things get too intense - and things will get very intense - so I'm going to give you a chance to get out of here, now. I'm going to count backward from ten. If you are still here when I get to one, I'll know you're serious. But, Lorelai, listen to me: there will be no going back. If you leave, don't ever try this again. If you stay," his breathing went ragged and his pupils dilated, "well, just know that I won't stop once I start. I won't be able to."
I swallowed hard. My legs were jelly.
"Ten," he said, standing very still, his eyes roaming over my face.
"Nine."
Oh God, he was really counting down.
"Eight."
He looked like he wanted to devour me.
"Seven."
I realized that intense wouldn't describe what was going to happen.
"Six."
OH GOD
