POWER RANGERS AND THE BIG SHINY THING
Disclaimer: I don't own the Power Rangers, but I own everything else. So don't steal it. Ever.
Our story begins in the small, wholesome, and all-American town of Everyone Is Special Falls. In fact this place was so small all the evil conquerors of the universe had to take it over. So now with a particular evil group our story really begins. Lord Sorcerer Zargonafijokowsky wasn't the can-do evil sorcerer, he was sub-par. So of course, like all evil sorcerers he had to pick on little, insignificant Earth. It was like a kid with an AK-47 and an ant pile. Of course, Earth was the kid with the AK-47 and the evil sorcerer was the ant pile. But fortunately for Zargonafijokowsky Earth didn't know how to turn the safety knob on a standard rifle. Zargonafijokowsky was tall and was in a costume so low budget you could see the rubber tearing and also you could see the Jack Daniel's in his right jean pocket.
(Cue cheesy Star-Trek picture of the Enterprise. Then cue bom-bom-bom-bom type evil music.) "My Lord how may I serve you?" said Zargonafijokowsky's underling, Fobbs. Fobbs was a paper cut-out of the Chef Boyardee head attached to a Popsicle stick which was then Gorilla glued to a cardboard box which blatantly advertised Pepsi. They spent the most money on him. The other lackey was named Ublobba from some far off planet that no one cares about. He was made when a DVR fell into a trash compactor and had an unhappy face drawn on it with a faded Hi-Liter. No one messed with him. "My Lord," Ublobba said, "Earth is coming into sight let's manically laugh and dance in place!" So the villains danced till the take was over, smoked some Marlboro Lights and drove to Scores.
In Everyone Is Special Falls the "teens" (cough, played by +20 year old actors) were doing wholesome teenage things like helping out in the community, eating ice cream, and prancing in the park. For simplicity's sake I will slowly explain them one by one. It's time to show the teens.
THE (racially diverse) TEENS (ALL STEREOTYPES ARE ONLY USED FOR COMEDY PURPOSES AND ARE NOT INTENDED TO HURT ANYONE)
Johnny- The all-American blonde haired jock who is the leader of "the gang"
Francis- The nerd with glasses. Because he has glasses he can calculate pi which for some reason might help them.
Brian- The racially diverse black guy who knows his stuff.
Jessica- The preppy girl. She doesn't want to fight because she might break a nail. Screams and gets captured a lot. Johnny's girlfriend.
Kaya- The foreign exotic girl who is foreign and exotic… That's it.
In the park, frolicking was to the maximum. Jessica was talking to Johnny about increasing their intimacy and gasp, kissing. Brian was playing football with Kaya. And Francis was hacking the Pentagon. Average teen stuff. So average that they were chosen to become the newer Mighty Morphing Power Rangers by none other than Zorbong the giant head that tries pitifully to save Earth for no real apparent reason. They were all walking down the dark alley from the park that led to the local teen hangout that they always spend 5 minutes of every episode in, the Scruemee Place named after its owner Bob Scruemee.
All of the sudden the stagehand pulled the switch and the 4th Of July sparklers on the set turned on in a feeble attempt to make the viewers think that special effects were actually being used. It's a shame they went haywire and set Kaya's hair on fire. "Just go with it!" ordered the director, who was also working at Chile's part-time. So, with the Rangers ready and Kaya's hair slightly smoldering they were transported to some remote, yet close to home, mountain lair. It was here that they met Zorbong and Zeta. I already explained Zorbong, but Zeta is the last prototype of Alpha, Beta etc. he was a Bop-It with a black trucker hat and big googly eyes taped to it with two slinkies also taped for arms and two wooden pegs for legs. He was also voiced by the director speaking in a nasally voice as the show was being taped.
So the Rangers were in the lair, which looked suspiciously like Zargonafijokowsky's spaceship. What an odd coincidence. You see the teens had been Rangers for about 5 years in "show" time and 2 and ½ hours in real time. They were called for an assignment which would be like no other. "Ayayayayayaya! Rayayayayayayayngers! I have an ayayaayayayaysignment for yoayayayaayayyu. It is a dayayayayayayayaangerous oayayayayayyane." Zorbong's head was suspended over the set and the actor was asleep.
"Zzzzz. Uh we're rolling? Ehhm. RANGERS! YOU MUST STOP Zargonafijokowsky FROM DOING MEAN THINGS LIKE PUTTING CATS INTO TREES, NOT REWINDING VIDEO TAPES, AND SELLING CIGARETTES TO MINORS!"
"Let's kick anuses!" yelled Brian, the edgy one.
TO BE CONTINUED… PLEASE REVIEW!
