5. The Doctor is In

House took the chart off the top of the pile. "TheDrIsIn", he called, turning to the woman in the lab coat. "Dr…that would be you, would it not?" He heard a voice mumble behind him "she's not a real doctor. She's not even a real blonde…" He attempted to ignore it as he prepared to treat an actual sick person. At this point he might just enjoy a normal case of indigestion, and he hoped that is all this would be.

The doctor sat up in her seat. "Yes, I'm the doctor," the woman replied in a confident manner. Rising to her feet, she realized that she was considerably shorter that Dr. House. "I'm here about the pig."

"The pig?" Dr. House asked wearily, rubbing his hand over his stubbled face. This day was getting more and more ridiculous by the moment. Even with his superior mental prowess he was having a difficult time keeping up with what was happening. "I don't treat pigs. I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian. You should be aware of the difference, Dr."

"She's not a doctor!" the voice behind him repeated more adamantly. He chose to ignore this and continued to wait for an explanation.

"The pig, Dr. House. I know about the pig. You hooked it to that mobster so that it could filter his blood when his liver couldn't. You said that Joey would be alright, but not the pig. Where is that pig now, Dr. House? Can you tell me that?"

Thinking of the confidentiality between a doctor and his patient, House replied, "How do you know about my patient's treatment? Not even the people at the Witness Protection Program know about that…"

Starting stonily at House, Doc said, "Where's. the. pig."

"Piggy heaven?" House replied.

"Just as I thought!" Doc said as she stalked toward him. "Did it never occur to you that animals have rights, Dr. House? That pig never did anything wrong, that it would have lived a long, healthy piggy life if it weren't for you?"

House backed away warily and slid on the drool coating the floor. He now sat in the empty chair next to Jessie, who leaned toward him and murmured, 'Mmm, you smell as good as you look. Squee!" House quickly rose to his feet and hobbled back toward Doc, trying to focus on what she had last said. "I must say that it never did occur to me…" He was cut off by a sudden exclamation.

"Of course you never thought of it. An inconsiderate, bitter, sexy, limping twerp like you never thinks of anyone but himself. Look at Bard." House glanced over at Bard, who was still wiggling her Jello as she ran her hands over her bunny ears and blew kisses at him. "Even she has the decency to wear faux fur. Although I'm going to have to say that I don't approve of pretending that you are wearing animal skins simply to be in style."

House squinted at Bard's costume. That was supposed to be stylish? Turning back to TheDrIsIn, House said on a sigh, "So you aren't sick either. Isn't that right, Dr?"

CMeaux jumped to her feet and shouted, "She's not a doctor! She is pretending to be a doctor! She is unemployed! She is deceiving us all!" before she collapsed back onto her chair.

Foxy looked at her with a scrunched up forehead and held out the nearly empty bottle of vodka in a hand that wavered before her face. "Sheemoe, I think you may need thish more than me. Calm down".

"No, I'm not sick. I just wanted you to know how I feel about your practices. Leave the animals alone!"

"Fine. Whatever." House said, turning to his next patient. "Hue?"