CHAPTER 3

The wedding was not a friendly topic in the Pierce household, but that didn't stop Margaret from bringing it up whenever she found the opportunity. She would conveniently leave the letter in a place where Hawkeye could see it. That note that was addressed to him was making it worse because she wanted to know what was in it. Everyone always addressed letters to the two of them. Her father was the only exception to that. He would still use her maiden name and forget that Hawkeye even existed. It was killing her not to know what was in that note.

Hawkeye hated getting mail from any of them. He and his wife were just fine without them. Even a letter from them would disrupt their lives, and this just proved it again.

Margaret had to press the subject, as painful and difficult as it was. Her husband didn't belong there, she knew that. This was a different man from the one they had known. He wasn't the one they wanted, they would be looking for someone else.

"Honey," she touched his arm. "I really do think you should read it."

He turned his head and looked at her. "I'm not going to read it." His voice was very soft.

"Radar wouldn't have addressed it to you if it wasn't important."

"I will not read the fucking letter." For such a nasty reply, he had remained quite calm.

"You can't just ignore it." She was getting frustrated with him.

"I can, and I will."

"Hawkeye..."

"I don't want to have a single damn thing to do with any of them."

"This is about Radar's wedding." She couldn't understand where this hatred was coming from.

"Look, if it's so important, you read it," he told her. "Other wise, it's going into the trash."

She sighed. "I don't understand why you're being like this. Radar never did anything to you."

"Drop it." He turned his attention back to the television. Margaret stood up and shut the TV off. "Hey, I was watching that!"

"I don't care." She stood there in front of him, hands on hips staring down at him. Maybe if she tried intimidation it would work.

"Turn it back on."

"No."

"Margaret." His voice was deep and getting angry. "Turn it on and get out of the way."

"I will not." She stood her ground. "We're going to talk about this." They had danced around the topic most of the weekend and she was sick and tired of it.

"No, we're not." Hawkeye stood up and walked out the back door. He didn't want to fight with her and he didn't want anything to do with any of those people. Especially Radar.

Margaret followed after him, picking up the letter off the table, and walked outside. He was standing in the middle of the yard with his hands on his hips. "If you won't read it, then I'm going to read it to you." She held up the envelope. Hawkeye turned around. "Whether you want to hear it or not."

"Margaret..." His eyes were narrowed.

"I won't let you just ignore it."

"Put it down," he said told her. "Now."

Looking at him she said, "Hawkeye, we have to talk about this."

"I've already told you, we're not going."

She ripped open the envelope and pulled out a neatly folded sheet of paper. "Do you want to read it or shall I?"

"Stop it." He turned away and walked toward the shed that was further back. She didn't have any shoes on and he didn't think she'd follow him across the yard without them. He was wrong.

"Hawkeye! Don't walk away from me."

"Go away."

Margaret stepped off the porch and started after him. He wasn't going to run away from this. "I guess I'll read it to you."

Hawkeye heard her unfold the letter and spun around. "Don't you dare."

She ignored him. "Dear Hawk..."

"Margaret!" He yelled at her. He didn't normally raise his voice with her, but that didn't seem to matter to her at the moment. She continued on.

"I wanted you to be the first to know so I'm sending you this a few days before we send out the others."

Hawkeye was furious. "I don't want to know." He ripped the piece of paper out of her hand.

Margaret stood tall; she had been expecting that he would do that. His eyes were black, almost cat like. He was in such a rage that he looked close to tears. His chest was heaving in anger and frustration. "I want to go." She told him.

His eyes darted to her face. She couldn't tell if he was going to yell or break down. The look told her that he was neither. He looked almost murderous. "No," he said flatly.

Realizing that her efforts were futile she said, "I'm not having this conversation with you out here." Granted it was a big yard, but the neighbors would still be able to hear them.

"We're not having this conversation at all."

"Oh yes we are." She turned and walked back to the house leaving him out there alone with the letter still in his hand.

Hawkeye turned away from her, his chest still heaving in anger. She knew how he felt and yet she was still pushing him. She had never pressed this issue like this before. Any other time she had been the understanding wife and made up some sort of excuse for them not to go. Hawkeye had told her many times to tell them all to go to hell, but she insisted on communicating with them and look where it got them now.

He shoved the piece of paper into the back pocket of his shorts and went toward the porch. Fighting with her wasn't something he wanted to do. It was probably the worst thing in the world to him. After taking a couple of deep breaths he slumped down on the top step rubbing his temples. His head was throbbing now and she had to make it worse.

Margaret couldn't stand when he was like this. No one could talk to him; he wouldn't listen to a word she had to say. He was just so damn stubborn. She had stood by him when he declined other invitations, but not this time. This time they were going whether he liked it or not.

The whole weekend had been wasted. And on what? That damn letter! Just thinking about it enraged him. Their only time to be together, and they'd spent it arguing. They hadn't made love since Friday evening. It was killing him. He wanted her to touch him, but she wouldn't even do that.

When he walked into the house an hour later that note was still in his back pocket. He hadn't touched it, only thought about it. Margaret was standing in the kitchen pulling plates from the cabinet when he entered the kitchen. She didn't bother to look at him or say anything. He wasn't sure what there was to say. He didn't want to go, and that was all there was to it.

Margaret sat the plates on the counter and placed two cheeseburgers on them. She glanced at him, but continued for the small table that sat in the bay window. "I made you something to eat."

He couldn't figure out why she would cook for him if she was mad at him. "Thank you." He watched her walk past him and grab two glasses filled with water.

"Are you going to sit down?"

"Yes." He said it in a normal tone, where as hers had been a little sharp. Hawkeye walked over to the table and took a seat.

Margaret followed and set a glass of water in front of him. "Do you want ketchup too?"

"No thank you."

She pulled out the adjacent chair and sat down beside him. "Will you pass me the salt?" Hawkeye picked it up and handed it to her. "Thank you."

They ate in silence, each thinking about the invitation. Margaret wanted to go; she wanted to see her old friends. Her husband might have resented them, but they meant a lot to her. He wouldn't even consider reading the letter, not even for her. The more she thought about it, the angrier she became.

Hawkeye stood up; it was obvious that she didn't want to have anything to do with him. He threw his plate in the sink and continued out the back door. She wouldn't say a word to him; only stare at him while he was looking away from her. Everything she did was just to piss him off more.

Margaret tensed up when he walked away like he did. Her first instinct was to go after him and fight him, but she knew that wasn't the right thing to do. She gave herself a few minutes to calm down and then stepped out onto the back porch. She let out a very audible sigh when she saw him. "Why do you..."

Hawkeye held up his free hand. "Don't even go there."

"I just don't see why you..."

"Margaret, don't." His voice was stern.

"We're not dropping it this time," she told him.

"Oh yes we are." He looked away from her and started to walk in the opposite direction.

"I want to go." She'd said it on impulse, not sure of what else to say.

Hawkeye stopped and looked at her. "You what?"

"I want to go to the wedding." She tried to sound firm.

The pupils in his eyes dilated. "We're not going." He said slowly.

Margaret hated that look. She thought it made him look homicidal. "We haven't seen Radar in over three years. This is his wedding." Where had all this hatred come from?

"You really want to go?" Margaret nodded. "Why? You know exactly what it's going to be like."

"How can you say that? We haven't seen any of them for such a long time."

He didn't like how her voice was getting softer. That was starting to break down his barriers. "I know what it will be like and I don't want to have to put up with all of that."

"Not even for Radar?"

He shook his head. "Not for anyone." He walked over and sat on the porch steps, flicking some ashes in the grass as he walked.

She stood in the moonlight looking at him. "Not even me?"

Hawkeye looked up at her. "That's not fair."

She walked over to him. "Will you put that out?" She snapped.

"I'm not done." He blew out a puff of smoke.

She growled. "I wish you would stop that."

"I wish you would stop this conversation," he said quickly.

"We need to talk about this." She wasn't going to give it up.

"No we don't." The anger in his voice was rising.

A rush of boldness came over her. "I'm going to accept."

"Margaret," he stood up. "We don't belong there."

"Well, I'm going."

"No," he said as if it was an order.

"I am going and I'm going to have a good time. I want to see them, Hawkeye. Aren't you curious how they've changed?"

"No."

"Don't you want to meet their families?"

"Look, I don't care anymore. I don't want to know what they're doing or who they've become."

She breathed deeply looking directly into his eyes. "You'll be here alone then."

He stared at her. He knew he couldn't be without her. This wasn't fair. "Why are you doing this?"

"They're our friends. We've been invited to so many things and each time I've stood by you when you said you didn't want to go, but this is too much. Radar wants you there more than anything. That boy would do whatever you asked of him, but you refuse to go to his wedding. You know what you mean to him."

"He wants a different person. Not me." He took one last puff.

"I want you." She put her hand on his chest. "Please, honey."

He hated it when she did that. "But they don't," he said softly looking her in the eye.

"Yes they do," she told him sincerely.

"They don't want me! They want someone else, someone who I'm not!" He threw his cigarette on the ground.

Margaret knew this was going to happen. "They've changed too," she told him. "Why don't you give them a chance?"

"They've changed!" He turned and pulled at his hair. "We're not going!"

"Why won't you even read the letter?" She demanded. He was upsetting the both of them. "What are you so afraid of?"

"Fine." He spun around and threw the letter at her. "You read it. Just leave me out of it."

She caught the crumpled piece of paper before it his the wet ground. "This is about you."

"I don't care." He walked in the house letting the screen door slam.

She walked up on the porch where there was more light and began to read the letter. Radar was practically begging Hawkeye to go to this. Margaret felt sorry for the young man. Hawkeye was being so stubborn about this and it would break Radar's heart if he didn't show.

When she went inside Hawkeye was sitting at the table holding the invitation in his hand. She sat down, touching his hand gently. "We can't hide from them."

"If you didn't insist on communicating with them then we could have."

"Honey, there's nothing to be afraid of. These people will not harm you."

His eyes met hers. "You don't know that."

Margaret could see the venerability and fear in his eyes. He was genuinely afraid. "They're our friends."

Hawkeye looked at their hands. He missed their closeness. He missed her. "That man is gone," he said wearily.

"Ben, you are the same man that I fell in love with in Korea." She covered his hand with both of hers. "And the same man that I married."

"He's dead," he said blankly.

She hated to hear him talk like that. "No, he's right here with me."

His eyes shifted to look at her. "I was just an annoyance to them," he said coldly. "They didn't want me."

"Why don't you look at that letter from Radar? You'll see how much he wants you there. He's inviting you to his wedding, not a 4077th reunion."

"Yes, but they'll all be there. Everyone loved Radar." It may as well be a reunion. As soon as the ceremony was over it would be like the wedding never happened and everyone would get drunk and talk about the past. The past was something he was trying to break away from; he didn't want to relive the war in stories. He had enough of that in his dreams.

"You loved Radar once. I believe you still do."

He shook his head. "Look, I'll read the letter and I'll even write back declining the invitation. How's that?"

"Honey," she was calm, trying to get him to remain that way. "I want to go to this and I want you to be there with me. I don't want to go alone, but I will if I have to." She knew very well that he wasn't going to stay home without her for days at a time. He didn't even like letting her go when she went to work in the mornings.

Hawkeye pulled his hand from hers and stood up. "Why? What is so important about this one? You never had any problem turning the others down."

"It's time now."

He ran his fingers through his hair and let his hand rest on the back of his neck. She was looking up at him with those blue eyes that had so much trust in him. He didn't want to go, but she was draining the fight out of him. "I still don't want to go."

"I know." She stood up and gave him a hug. "I'll make it worth your while, I promise."

Hawkeye stood there stiff for a moment before he wrapped his arms around her. He let out a deep sigh. She felt so good and it felt wonderful to have her wrap her arms around him like that. They had spent the night before on separate sides of the same bed and spent most of their waking hours fighting over this wedding. Nothing in this world could make him want to go, but he'd go for her and only her.

"I don't want to see them, any of them." He rested his head on her shoulder. She was rubbing his back and it was making him delirious.

"I know sweetheart." She ran her hand up his neck and threaded her fingers through the back of his hair. "But I miss them."

Hawkeye sighed. It angered him to hear her say those things. "I don't want to go to Iowa."

"We're going to go together. Don't you want to go with me?"

"I'd rather you stay home."

"I know, but we'll be okay. It might help."

He picked his head up and looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "No. It won't."

"Don't be so negative." She gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Margaret, I'm not going to the wedding," he said in a stern manner.

"I want to see Radar get married," she told him seriously. She put a hand on his neck. "I want to see Colonel Potter again." It had hurt her so much to say goodbye to them, especially him. "I want to see Klinger's children."

His eyes narrowed. He suddenly understood what this was about. "You want to get away from me." He pulled away from her abruptly. Margaret's hands fell to her sides.

"No, of course not." She needed him more then he knew. "I need you with me."

"You don't want to be seen with a lunatic."

"Don't talk like that."

"You'd be better off alone. At least you wouldn't be getting as many stares and people whispering behind your back. You know they'll do that if I'm there."

"Honey, I want you there. Doesn't that mean anything to you?" She put her arms around his torso. "It'll give us a chance for a little vacation."

"That will not be a vacation. I can already tell you that."

She wanted him to see the good things. He was focusing on all the negative. "We'll be in a hotel all alone."

"We have a house to ourselves here."

"Yes, but we'll have room service there."

"I don't mind cooking and doing a little cleaning."

She sighed. "I won't have to go into work. We can sleep in together."

That did sound nice, he had to admit that. Margaret thought she could see him breaking down. She knew he would never completely give in, but once he passed a certain point they wouldn't fight over it. "I don't know..."

Margaret put her hand on his stomach. "I'll make it up to you."

"There's nothing you can do," he said sadly.

"There has to be something." She let her hand wonder lower.

"I know exactly what's going to happen," he told her. He'd be singled out again, like he'd always been. He hated being the point of their ridicule.

"Don't think about them." She didn't want to go without her husband. "Think about us."

"I am thinking about us." He played with her hair, twirling it around his finger. "If you're going to take time off why can't we go somewhere else?"

"Would you prefer Maine?"

"No!" He didn't want to go back there right now. It was too hard.

"What would you suggest?"

"A deserted island."

She smiled. "I don't think we could afford to buy one of those."

"Then let's stay home and save up."

She frowned slightly. "Honey, it could be fun. I really want to see them. We've only seen pictures of their children. Don't you want to meet Peg and Mrs. Potter?"

He didn't have anything against them. "Margaret, please don't do this to me."

"I want you to go with me." She pulled his head down and kissed him gently tasting the cigarette on his mouth. She rolled her eyes. "That is so gross."

He started to laugh. "I'm sorry. I didn't tell you to kiss me."

Margaret found it revolting. For such a popular habit, it sure was disgusting. "I shouldn't have to ask to kiss my husband."

"I shouldn't have to beg my wife to help me."

Oh, that hurt. The way he said it, it just cut at her. "Honey, that's not fair."

"You want to know what's not fair?" He said to her. His eyes were suddenly narrowed. "Putting me in a situation, which you know I can't handle."

She gasped at the accusation. "I would never ask you to go with me if I thought you couldn't handle it. That was the reason I agreed to turn down all the other invitations."

"I can't handle this either."

"Yes you can. I know you can. You're so much stronger now."

Her voice held such confidence when she said that. He almost believed her in that instance, but he knew better. He also knew that he couldn't bear to go for days without seeing her and touching her. Fighting like this was enough to kill him, or at least that's what it felt like. "I don't think I can do it," he sighed heavily.

"I know you can." She looked directly into his eyes. "We can do it together."

He shook his head. "No."

"Why won't you try? It's been two years since it all ended."

"It hasn't ended for me!" He snapped.

Margaret didn't say anything for a moment. No matter what she said, it would never be enough. "I'm going to the wedding."

"Haven't you been listening to me?" He bellowed. "I can't do it." His voice deepened and he knitted his brow in anger and frustration. "I refuse to go, and that's final."

She hated it when he gave her ultimatums. "I'm not going make you," she told him. Margaret was tired of fighting with him. They'd wasted the entire weekend. If he didn't want to go, she wasn't going to make him. "I'll just go by myself."

"What?" He felt his heart quicken at the thought. "No."

Margaret knew very well that she couldn't leave him alone. She'd had reoccurring nightmares that she'd come him to find him sprawled across the floor in the den. Thinking about it made her stomach queasy. "You don't have to go if you don't want to."

"Margaret, I don't want to be here alone." He was speaking fast. "I don't want to be without you. Please don't go."

"I wish you would come with me. I don't want to go alone either."

He sighed. He looked like he was about to cry. The thought of being without her was too much. "Stay home."

"I'm going. It's up to you if you want to be with me."

"It's not you. I always want to be with you." He thought about her every second of the day. "Please stay home."

She shook her head. "You have to decide if you want to stay here alone or come with me." It was in that instant that she wasn't sure what he would do. Before that she had been so sure that he would agree to go with her because he couldn't stay alone, but not anymore. She couldn't read him at the moment.

"I can't go." He paused for a moment. "But I can't be without you more."

She was trying to fight a smile. "Does that mean you'll go?"

He nodded. "But that doesn't mean I'll like it."

Margaret hugged him, she was so relieved. That haunting image had continued to run though her mind; those cold, lifeless eyes starring blankly at the ceiling. "Thank you darling," she breathed against his chest.

Hawkeye was starring at the wall. Images of Korea were flashing before his eyes. Leave it to Pierce to do something so tasteless. Every little thing was coming back to him. The man is a Neanderthal. None of them had ever really cared. He was just a joke to them. No one had ever taken him or his work seriously.

"I'm not going to see them," he told her, his eyes were still fixated on the wall.

Margaret lifted her head. "I want you to stay with me." She didn't want to let him out of her sight, not even once.

"I'll stay at the hotel."

"No, you're going where I go." She made him look at her. "I will make sure that you are okay."

"You can't guarantee that."

"Yes I can." Her voice was full of confidence. "We're always there for each other. I'll need you too."

He stared at her for a moment. She needed him with her? Why was she willing to go on her own if she needed him so much? "No you don't."

"I do." She held him tightly. "I need you more than you could even imagine."

Hawkeye stroked her hair gently. "If you say so." He was very doubtful that that statement had any truth to it.

Margaret rubbed his chest with her right hand for a moment. "Why don't we go sit down?" This was the most touching they had done all weekend.

"I think I'm going to go brush my teeth," he told her. His tone was still very soft, as were his eyes.

"Okay." She moved her hand down to his. "I think I will too."

"You're fine."

She shook her head. "I can taste it." She made a face.

"I'm sorry." He squeezed her hand. "I know how much you hate it."

"We don't have to discuss that now." She didn't want to fight with him anymore. They had a couple of more hours before they would be in bed. She had to be at the hospital early the next morning and needed her rest after the previous night's restlessness.

Hawkeye let go of her hand when they reached the bathroom and passed her, her toothbrush. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." She leaned forward to kiss him but stopped herself.

"I don't want to lose you," he told her.

She put her hand on his arm and rubbed him reassuringly. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I love you."

"I love you too." Again she leaned in to kiss him. "Hmm." She stopped herself and bit her lip.

Hawkeye turned on the water and wet his tooth brush. "Just a minute." He wanted to kiss those rosy lips of hers so badly. He put some toothpaste on his brush and then some on hers.

"Thank you."

As soon as they were finished Hawkeye smiled at her and then ran his tongue across his teeth. "Nice and smooth."

"Mmmm, let me try." She put her hands on his cheeks and pulled him down for a kiss. She made a point of running her tongue along every tooth in his mouth before she pulled back. "They are smooth and you taste so much better."

"Good," he breathed and pulled her back in for a long kiss.

Margaret's arms went around his back as she leaned into him. He felt so good. She missed his touch. "Mmm."

His hands were on her back, pressing her against him. There was a void inside him that needed to be mended. He needed to know that she still wanted him.

She didn't fight him and was hoping that he would take the steps to move them closer to love making. So far he was doing an admirable job. His hands were gentle and yet firm on her back. His lips weren't quite desperate, but they weren't far from it either. Their breathing was already getting ragged.

"Honey," she tried breaking the kiss. "Mmmm, Hawk?"

"Yeah?" His hands had moved up her back and held her head pressing her lips to his.

"There's a..." He wouldn't let her speak. "Wait."

"No." He was mumbling into her mouth.

"The oven." She managed to say a couple of words.

The oven? Was she crazy? They were in the bathroom. What could possibly be so important about the oven?

"I left the broiler on," she told him then. As much as she wanted to go on, she couldn't very well let the house burn down.

Hawkeye sighed and let her go. Finally, when they were just starting to get into it, something had to stop them. "Okay." He put a hand on his face.

"I'll be right back." She pulled him close again, pushing his hand aside, and gave him a short but intense kiss before rushing out.

Margaret quickly shut things off. She didn't want to ruin the mood and wanted to get back to him as quick as possible before his mood changed again. She ran back to find him and he was on the bed already. His eyes were closed."I'm back.""I know."She crawled onto the bed. "How did you know that? Your eyes are closed." She straddled his body.He looked at her. "You walk loud." He could hear her feet on the floors all the way across the house.

"I beg your pardon." She leaned down so their noses were almost touching. "I'll have you know." Her eyes looked down at his lips. "I am a very quiet woman," she said as their lips moved closer.

"I think graceful is better suited," he mumbled before they kissed. Margaret moaned into his mouth and let her body relax completely on top of him.

"I like that better." He was very good at saying just the right things. Their legs were tangled and he was already pushing her shirt up her back. She knew that he had missed their closeness as much as she did. His movements had a sense of urgency and need that she knew was more then sexual desire. He needed her emotionally and she hadn't been there for him for over twenty four hours. That was a lot harder for him then anyone could imagine.

His body was burning again, but this time for a good reason. She had him on fire with her kisses and touches. When she would brush a fallen hair back he would get shivers down his spine. Each time she kissed him he felt a burning deep inside him. Hawkeye never thought it was possible to love someone as much as he loved her, but he had been proven wrong.