Disclaimer. Not mine. Don't Sue. Bastard out of Carolina belongs to Dorothy Allyson, and A Grave Talent belongs to Lauren R King. Born to Run belongs to the Boss himself, whose voice and talent I wish I owned, but don't.
A/N: This fic is becoming way too emotional. But it seems to be working. Thoughts, impressions, opinions welcomed as always.
In my Gilmoreverse, Rory is mad as hell at Chris, and she hasn't seen or talked to him or Sherry since.
Chapter 4: Born to Run
11PM
'Not so easy' topics.
Fathers. Mothers. Families.
Rory and Jess are curled up with a book each. He's reading Bastard out of Carolina, she's reading A grave Talent. This isn't a Hemingway vs Rand night. He sighs. He hasn't picked the best book here, what with the disappearing father and the angst.The word bastard on the birth certificate. But DeMille just doesn't cut it tonight, with his veteran of any war ever fought themes, the baggage they lug along, and the not so hidden sadistic tendencies pertaining to some character or other.
The CD is still playing on the background. It's Born to Run. Springsteen. It's late at night and The Clash may very well wait until morning.
"In the day we sweat it out in the streets of a runaway American Dream"
Flashback
"So what were you thinking?" He lets himself show anger, pretending not to know it hides feelings of betrayal.
"Jess, I don't like your father very much." Understatement of the century. And the winner is...
"So because you don't like him, that means I can't know he's here?" Did you check the birth certificate recently? Jess James Mariano, son of James Mariano. Where does Luke Danes get off in taking over?
"Shouldn't have come from me in the first place." Hell no. It shouldn't have come at all!
"So what, you don't think you owed it to me to tell me, prepare me?" My father. My freaking father. And you hide this information from me? Why? What for?
"No, Jess, I didn't. With everything that's going on here with you, I kinda hoped he'd just walk away, but. . .once again, Jimmy makes the wrong move. What a shock." Jimmy doesn't need the second chances I've been giving you all this time, kid.
"Oh, who the hell are you to decide what the right move is?" Jess' thoughts flow out him in a single question. Giving you the short version here, hope you're happy with synthesis.
I'm the one who's saving your ass constantly. I'm the one who just wrote a check to Kyle's father so he wouldn't press charges against you. I'm the one trying to knock some sense into that thick head of yours about the future." And if that's not enough, I house you, I feed you, I fight with Lorelai because of you and over you because you're 'family. And you take care of family'
"Oh, here we go." And I was wondering how long it would take us to get to that. And along with that thought comes a realization: here is the guy who's been playing parent for the past two years.
End of Flasback
Rory peeks from her book. She studies him, as word by word the book hits him a little too close to home. She trains her eyes on his crinkiling brow, his unruly hair, his troubled brown irises, mirror to an even more troubled mind, housing no more than troubled thoughts. That and hidden intelligence. She thinks she might love him. In his strenght and his vulnerability, his stubborness and his tenderness. She jumps right out of her staring when he snaps the book close and considers hurling it across the room on the floor. She raises one questioning eyebrow while closing her own volume.
"The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive" Springsteen drawls.
Her boyfriend is a complete mess.
"Her father never comes back". He states simply.
"She's not better off because of it, though" She replies. So this is the conversation we're going to be having. Fathers. The word tastes bitter in her mouth. Mind. Whatever. It tastes bitter all the same.
"Her mother..." he trails off.
"She makes mistakes." Rory pauses, and Jess picks words out of thin air. They are hanging right there, it's only a matter of who says them first.
"It's not the mistakes she makes... it's her inability to right them."
Jess looks lost in his personal stroll down memory lane.
Fathers and Mothers Rory muses. Even worse when discussed together.
"She goes back to the step-father, this monster, over and over, while all the while he's hurting her daughter, doing all kinds of things to her. She can't choose." Jess strains to keep his voice even. He fails.
Rory eyes him carefully. Who hurt you?
She wants to voice that question as much as she needs air to breathe and coffee to survive the day. But contents herself with throwing him a bait.
"And mothers should put their children first, shouldn't they?"
"We gotta get out while we're young
'Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run"
Yes they should. They should protect them, feed them, clothe them, help with homework, and steer clear of sleazeballs who are looking for the next fix of anything available on the market. And if it's pedophilia, who cares, right? Jess shakes his head, willing this thought to go back in the recesses of his mind.
"The girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors
and the boys try to look so hard" Springsteen docet
"How long since you talked to Christopher?" Two fathers who pull disappearing acts like I pull apples from dishcloths, or she eats junk food. There must be something wrong with this picture, yet, unfortunately, it's the only one that fits the frame.
Flashback
"I'm not keeping Rory from you!" God Chris, find a self help book, a Parenting for Dummies, one of those How to be a Father. Something! What am I, the Master of Puppets? Yup, that's me all right, straight out of a Metallica song. Rory thinks and feels, and you hurt her to the point she'll never recover. You shattered the last bit of trust she had in you!
"Oh really? Then why hasn't she called me back, huh? I mean, no matter where you and I have been in our lives, my daughter has always called me back – until now" She'll be always taking your side, Lor. As long as you stay angry at me, she'll be mad at me as well. Given the relationship you have, you'll confide in her. And given the love she feels for you, she'll be mad at me for leaving her, and for hurting you as well. And I need Rory in my life. She's my daughter.
"Hey, listen to me –" Rory is doing it on her own accord. A thought left unexpressed.
"I didn't call you back because I didn't want to. Me – Mom had nothing to do with it." I was in the deal as well. Your daughter, remember? Dad, don't you get it? I wanted this. A family like a good part of the world's youth has it. I was willing to forget the rest of your empty promises, Sherry, weeks andweeks without hearing from you, months on end without seeing you.
"Okay, honey, calm down." Worked up Rory, not good.
"You promised me. You promised me at Sookie's wedding that this was going to work, that you were going to be there, you promised me." And this is the last promise I'm going to let you break. The last time I let you hurt me. The last shit I'll ever take from you. The last time I'm letting you hurt Mom.
"Honey, please understand – " that this time I was for real. Another thought left unexpressed.
"No, I always understand, and I don't wanna understand! I don't even really wanna talk about this right now. I've got Mom, that's all I need. Go be somebody else's dad!" I'm jealous. The realization hits her like a ton of bricks, but it's not that unexpected. I am jealous.
End Flashback
"Cause tramps like us
baby we were born to run"
"I wanted him when we lived in the shed at the Inn, when I had nightmares of monsters hiding in the bathroom. I wanted him there for every spelling bee, and every A, and every trip to the bookstore. I wanted him when Mom had to humiliate herself and force the both of us through the weekly dinner torture so I could go to Chilton, and live the fucking dream! I wanted him there for every single thing he wasn't there for!" Rory relives the anger she felt months before, when she stopped talking to Chris.
Jess nods, pulling her closer to him. This emotional storm is far from leaving her alone. Now she's as much of a mess as he is. This time it is him who bites on the fabric of her shirt, before finding the courage to speak quietly.
"I wanted mine too, for a while... The first time I got in a fistfight.All the timesI had to run so fast I thought my lungs would burst.Whenever I felt broken and needed him to glue me back together... When I wanted someone to teach me how to fight back..." he smiles wrily "Liz wasn't the best example of standing up for yourself. Doesn't even know how to spell the word 'no'." He shakes his head.
They hang onto each other tightly. This night is becoming too much for both, but it is a battle that needs fighting in the mess they managed to make of their relationship. Keeping secrets, witholding information, holding out on trust. She on the account that he couldn't be trusted, he on the account she wouldn't be able to take it. They are both mistaken. She is finding it easy to trust him with herself. He is drawing strenght from her, strenght he didn't know was hers to give.
Holding each other they wait for the tide to subside, for the pain to ease a little, for their breathing to become easy and unstrained.
"Together Wendy we will live with the sadness
I'll love you with all the madness in my soul"
He caresses her letting his hands wander down her back and up her side, down her arms to tickle her palms. Down her back again to find their way under her shirt, to her skin. She acknowledge this with a little moan.
"Someday girl I don't know when
we're gonna get to that place
where we really wanna go"
She lays her head on his chest, letting her lips trail little kisses on his skin, her hair tickling him, her free hand writing words on his chest by means of her fingers.
"And we'll walk in the sun
but till then tramps like us
baby we were born to run".
Yeah. Run. Just like their fathers have been for the past 18 years.
A/N: go look at the bio. Everything you'll ever need to know is there. Really, trust me. :)
