Losing It

Chapter 2: Now its gone

26th January1904
It's happened. I've gone, and its over. And now I have to face the consequences.

27th January 1904
Why can't they leave me alone? Let me wallow in my sorrow. It's not my fault I went. It was no one but fathers. If he hadn't tied Nana up then none of this would have happened. But now that it has they can't do anything about. Its all there fault!

28th January 1904
What do you want me to do? Pretend it never happened. Well something's are easier said than done. You can't just forget things as if it were a feather blowing in the wind. It takes time. Maybe if my parents thought things through, they would understand. Dancing among fairies is extremely special. It's not a normal everyday scene. It's magical and romantic, its special. It's not something you can forget at the drop of a hat. And battling with your archenemy and fairytale villain and winning, its amazing. It's an exciting energetic memory that has exotic bounces and thrills. There's never a dull moment when your life is an adventure. When you never have to worry. When you can forget things, but it doesn't matter, because there will always be things to replace them. Why can't my parents understand that? Why can't they understand that I want to be able to be free? I don't want to have to dress up just so I can be picked out for a bride. I want to be able fly, with the clouds underneath me, and the stars around me. Why can't they just understand that I want to be in Neverland?

31st January 1904
I sat by my window tonight, and looked out at the stars twinkling back at me. I could just imagine his face. Not so happy any more. I could see his sad eyes boring into mine. His once rosy cheeks and cocky smile now neutral and plain. He wasn't his normal self. He had changed, and not for the better. Then I could see the jealous fairy, laughing beside him, at my misfortune. Chuckling in her own delight. Unaware that her beloved was torn. I haven't told a story since I came back. I just haven't had the guts to. Every time I even think about one, tears form in my already soaking eyes. I have five new bothers now. My parents adopted them when we came back with them. They were quite wild when we first brought them into the household. But now with a little help from Aunt Millicent we were able to show them what to do, how to eat properly, get dressed, and even sleep. I was surprised they even wanted to leave the haven of Neverland. I surprised myself by leavening. I often wonder why I did. Why did I leave the adventurous barrier of the heart-warming haven? Why did I throw it all away? I had a chance to be happy, to be free. But I discarded it. Thinking of only the past and not the future. I had two chances to be happy, but I blew both of them. I wasn't thinking. I was daydreaming. Lost in fantasies, which were complete opposites. Why is it that I mess up everything? Destroy any chance of happiness that I could have. Right now I'm even throwing chances away. I don't talk. What's with that? My parent's haven't heard my voice since the night we came back. But there's nothing they can do. I'm lost. Lost in my own misery. And no one but my self can find me. I have to find my self before I can live again.

5th February1904
Nothings changed. I still don't speak. I just sit at the nursery staring out at the window. My parents have given up on talking to me. They just let me be. I hear them talking at night. Whispering to each other. They think it will just pass away. That I will talk again when it's over. When I get over it all. Just like the memories will. My brothers know other wise. They have seen what happened, they where there. Passing through every ordeal with me. They know the heart ache and pain that I went through. That I'm still going through. They don't push me for anything. Of course Michael sometimes asks for a story but John or Nibs shut him up. Its as if I'm under a spell, a spell of silent depression. And only one can break it. My brothers know who that one person is. He is the one that started it all. He cursed me when I left, with his entire lost boy band. Cursed me until I understood my mistake. But Peter Pan dose not know that I already have understood it. I realize that leaving was the biggest mistake I ever made. Both times I left and both times I was cursed.

6th February 1904
I ran away today, to Kensington gardens. I ran away from my life and future. Hoping, wishing, that he would come collect me. I am sitting under a big frosted willow tree. Shivering in the cold wind. My lips are an icy shade of blue and my whole body is shaking uncontrollably. I am freezing cold, but I still sit here. Maybe if I sit out here long enough, he would come back. We could live happily ever after in the home under the ground. A new band of lost boys running around like wild horses. Adventures would never stop and we would be free. I wrote a poem below. It is a reflection of my past adventure.

I ran away for you, You waited on that deck,
But you don't understand. For the finale blow
I cooked for you, The clash of good and evil
And your little band. Would finally show

Adventure had never stopped But nothing like that happened
Until you stood still. There was no piecing scream
The clock had stopped Just a final 'snap'
And there was a chill Of the enemy's scheme

You felt it through our bones We had won, and it was over.
Killing off good thoughts But now time has started,
There was nothing left And you are merely just a memory,
But moments of distraught.
Now that we are parted.

Later
Why hasn't any one come looking for me yet? Am I really that unimportant? Do my parents really dislike me that much? Does Peter Pan not care for me at all? I'm sitting here all alone. My fingers and toes are frozen from the cold and I have dreadful sniffle but still no one. I'm alone in this world. I wish I had bought a thicker rug. Maybe even some gloves and shoes. I was stupid to walk out of my house in only my nightgown. Like before I wasn't thinking. I made another stupid mistake. Thinking only of the past. When I had been flying with Peter the cold had not seemed to bother me, Even though it was snowing. And it's as if I have to pay up for it by feeling this light breeze ten times over.

7th February1904
It turns out that everyone had thought I was asleep. I should have thought of that. Since how would they know I was gone, if I never made a sound. Stupid, I'm so stupid. I'm never thinking. Why couldn't I have just thought of the consequences before leaving to Neverland. Then none of this would have happened. But then I would not have met Peter. But I'm not to sure if that's good or bad. I'm not too sure on anything. Now since I'm back in, my old life, my old town, they want me to think, to know. But in Neverland it didn't matter. It sounds wired saying my old town my old life. But its true it is. I lived in Neverland now I'm back again, its old. It aged while I didn't. Everything did, even my parents. How long did I go for? It only felt like 2 days to me, 3 at the most. It was all just fun and games. But not here, no here I can't even remember what its like to have fun or what you do in a game. Its as if I'm completely different. I'm not me. I'm someone else. Every time I look in the mirror I have a battle with myself. A battle to who I really am. I look at different poses and positions but none of it is me. I even put on my nightgown. The one I wore on the night. But I still don't look the same. Some things changed. I usually wonder if that's why Peter hasn't come yet. Cause he doesn't recognize me. My parents wanted to throw away the dirty garment that I am now wearing. But I hid it craftily in my pillowcase. Pretending that I already had thrown it away. They'll never understand. Grown ups don't understand anything.

10th February 1904
He came! He finally came! After all those nights of waiting. He came! He just flew into my bedroom last night while I was sleeping by the windowsill. His sweet voice had rung through my ears as he softly called my name. No louder than a whisper but I still heard it. Then his lips lightly kissed mine. I savored the warmth that his body gives off to me as they'd brushed together and the taste of his mouth, so sweet. They burn a permanent but invisible mark into mine, one only we know of. If only that could happen. If only that had happened. He hasn't come. He didn't come last night and kiss me until we were out of breath. It's just my imagination playing tricks on me. It had happened so fast though. I saw him in front of me. I could have sworn he was there kissing me. But as I stroke his cheek my hand fell straight through him and he was gone. Just like that. Nothing left but a soft breeze and a whisper. Tears escaped my eyes after that. They gushed down my rosy cheeks and splashed onto the window seat. I didn't try to stop them flowing. I was hoping that Peter would come. Come to my rescue. Save me from what ever it was that dared to hurt me. But he never did. Never has and never will.

11th February 1904
Waiting… Waiting… Waiting… Still waiting…

12th February 1904
Oh why doesn't he come mother? I wish I could ask such a question. But to talk would mean to have to answer so I refuse to speak. Nope. The word does not exist. It is just a make believe thing that people believe to be good nothing more. Oh how I long to tell a story. My brothers wish for it to happen too. For the fable words to seep through my mouth like smoke and then those words entwine into a magnificent play before them so they may be able to dream.

15th February 1904
If only he would come. Then my family would be able to live again like normal people. I know my silence keeps them from living a normal life. As does Peter to me. But I cannot live on knowing that my love is looking down on me. That he is living the life I dreamed. Knowing that I have done nothing. But wait have I done anything. All I have done is not socialize. But is that really doing anything. I might have run away for a few hours but nothing more. Didn't Peter say that 'children who fall out of there prams when the nurse is not looking. If they are not claimed in seven days they are sent to Neverland.' Didn't he say that to me? He did. I may not be able to fall out of my pram but I can run away when my nurse is not looking. I know nana finds it difficult to keep watch of all 8 of us when we are walking home. So it should be quite easy to slip away from the crowd with out her knowing. I can stuff some extra food in my book bag. Throw out the books. I wont be needing them. Then easily stay in hiding for seven days and wait. I'm sure Peter will come for me then. But what if he doesn't. I'll end up living on the streets. Scavenging for food until my parents find me. But they won't find me. They'll forget me. I'll be a lost child after all. My plan cannot fail.

16th February 1904
Well here I am again. Sitting in Kensington gardens. I'm up a tree. This time I had been smart and I bought a blanket and a cardigan. I've already eaten the bread I bought for my self. I don't think I'll be able to stay out here as long as I hoped for. What am I thinking? Of course I will. I won't give up. Did Peter ever give up on fighting hook? No. So I won't give up on him. Of course the battles had all been a game to him. Just a bit of a fun adventure. Nothing more. They didn't have much significance. But hook. Oh he would battle those fights out as if it were another bloodthirsty pirate trying to get his ship and treasure. Not a 12-year-old boy who was just having fun. I'll just wait in this tree and eat berries from the bushes. It will all be fine he will come and get me.

Later
It's freezing. I'm so cold. The wind is whipping at my hair-blowing chill to the bone breezes down my back. The snow has frosted my hair to the very ends and my hands can barley grip the ink pencil. The weather has never been this abominable this late in February. It usually starts to back off a bit. What if Peters crying. Neverland weather is probably tying into ours. "Oh my dear Peter do not weep. I am here for you." The snow looks like his tears. They drench the earth and make it live. Wait. What's that? Peter? It's Peter. He's… he's crying. His tears are drenching his rosy cheeks. "Peter don't cry." But wait he's smiling. His lips are moving. They're saying something. "Come away, come away to Neverland." My head is nodding. I know it is but I can't feel anything. Everything's gone numb. I guess it's from happiness. I'm happy. I'm happy again. I'm going off to Neverland. I'm going to let my family live. I'm going and NEVER coming back.