Halves of A Whole
Hawksong, Snakecharm, and all related indicia copyright Amelia Atwater-Rhodes
Andreios, my Andreios.
I watch you now as you dance, trying to pick up on the steps and the sway. You catch my eye and flush; I pretend to look as if I do not know you, as if we are strangers. For so long as I am in this body, we are- we will not be friends again until I don feathers.
It is so hard to live between both worlds; it is so hard to pretend to be both things and neither at once. I can no longer be a falcon- that form is as foreign to me as the thought of Empress Cjarsa declaring Danica's child her heir. Instead, I now take the two forms of those who loved me the most- that of Selene the serpiente dancer, and Aenicia the raven soldier. In one, I am sensual, full and beautiful, warm in my emotions. In the other, I am proud, independent, lovely and admired, the very image of an avian lady. Karena'aleha'merina is lost to me now- she who I once was lies somewhere dead and buried inside. Instead, I am halved- I am Aenicia, and I am Selene.
It is a very clever charade- it was very interesting whilst the war was going on. I rode out to battle on one race's side, then shifted and made my way to the other's, faking an injury and being returned home. Only once was the wound real- and truly, I thought my secret would be revealed. I can still remember the day I rode out under the avian banner, only to be run through by my close friend Gregory Cobriana. What fear, what hatred rested within those garnet eyes! "Die, wretch," he hissed as he twisted the blade. How could he know it was me, the girl he'd danced the Namir-da with, the person who he claimed to love? But I could make no word, no outcry- instead, you rushed to my side, shouting my name.
Aenicia! I can still hear you cry it. You moved to my side, kicking Gregory to Xavier Shardae. "Kill him!" you instructed the young prince, and within seconds, I saw the blade cut a red line through Gregory's flesh. I cried out, not as you thought, in satisfaction, but rather in horror. I lost my consciousness at that point- the next I remember is waking up to you by my side.
"Rest easy, Aenicia," you assured me, a hand on my arm. I groaned- how did I know I had not subconsciously shifted to my falcon's wings, or worse, to the scales of a black viper? My face must have showed my horror. "Relax," you said. "I know what you are. It's understandable." I sagged in relief- of course you would know. I knew you; though, of course, I'd have known Prince Sebastian anywhere.
"You know who I am, then," I croaked. I feared perhaps you had seen Selene.
"Yes. I know you, Karena- and I assure you you will be kept safe."
The next day I left- presumably for a day of flight. However, I shifted and entered serpiente territory, running into Adelina on my way in. "Selene," she remarked in surprised, puzzled to find a dancer so far from She'Mehay. However, one does not question one of A'isha's dancers, and I proceeded to the serpiente palace unaccosted. Zane met me in the synkal.
"Selene… Have you heard… Gregory…" My eyes filled up- how could he know I'd been the cause of Gregory's death, that between the two of us, we'd nearly killed each other? I broke down and cried, finding comfort in my future Diente's arms. "Gregory loved you," he whispered. "I am so sorry for your loss."
What Zane did not know was that I loved another besides Gregory- though in snakeskin I stood before him, my thoughts were of a crow avian, of the leader of the avian's Royal Flight. Yes, my Andreios, you were in my thoughts then, as I grieved for he who would have been the serpiente equivalent of my alistair. I loved you, both in feathers and scales. I loved you in both worlds.
I could take it no longer. "Make peace, Zane," I begged. I recall going to my knees. "This war- I cannot take it any longer. I watch all I love succumb to it, to the wretched hatred that could be turned to love if one only tried. Zane, we are killing ourselves- make peace with the avians, I beg of you!"
Irene Cobriana came to the Keep shortly after.
Ah, what an intriguing time that was! I remember being assigned to the Royal Flight as avian and serpiente met on Mistari territory- it was so difficult to side with both my future Tuuli Thea and Diente. A marriage between the two of them- Eleanor Lyssia and I were overjoyed, though it seemed unthinkable. The whole fiasco seemed doomed- and then, miraculously, it all fell into place. Danica Shardae and Zane Cobriana finally became married- married in mind, heart, and soul; soon their child will be born.
The plans for the city are coming along wonderfully- a place where both avians and serpiente can live in peace. My heart leaps at the very thought of it- some day, some day soon, we will truly be a united world. The heir of both the avian and serpiente worlds will be born soon- a daughter of both worlds will rule. Like myself, she will love both sides, will come to accept the dictates of two teachings. She will be hawk, and she will be cobra.
I watch you again, and this time when you catch my eye, you make an attempt to smile. I smile back as only Selene can- warm, inviting, yet mysterious. I rise slinkily, gracefully, and slip out the door. Once outside, I become Aenicia again, waiting for you to finish your lesson. In five minutes or so, you emerge with a smile to your waiting raven. "Have a nice day?" you ask.
I smile and kiss you, smiling as Aenicia, slighty reserved, though appreciative. "More than you know." I've spent my entire day near you- how could my day be anything but? Still, though, a question echoes in the back of my head, a question brought to mind by watching you dance. I wonder how long it will be until you can love both sides of my nature.
I wonder how long it will be until you can love the avian and the serpiente, the viper and the raven.
Karena'aleha'merina
(Selene Sharpfang)
(Aenicia Swifttalon)
