What do you get when it's 12.30 in the morning and you have a college assignment to finish that is due in tomorrow? Why, a sequel to First to Go, of course!

Author's Note: I'm addicted to romance novels, I'm a hopeless romantic and I love drama. This fic may get a little melodramatic at times, but the muse took me, so this is how I wrote it.

Summary: It's been�five months since Rodney's death, and John's friends are worried about how he is coping.

Responses: Yes please

Archive: Yes to Wraithbait, and Area 52. Anyone else, please ask first.

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"I'm worried about him," Elizabeth told the room at large as she watched the retreating figure of Major Sheppard. It had been five months since the accident that had killed Atlantis' premier scientist and John's lover, Rodney McKay. In those months, the major had withdrawn from everything and everybody. He had lost drastic amounts of weight and the bags under his eyes had bags.

Elizabeth was in the briefing room with the remainder of AG – 1, Radek Zelenka and Carson. They all wore expressions of concern as Elizabeth had just relieved John of duty until he was better, and the major hadn't put up even a token protest.

"We all are concerned," Teyla agreed. "He is making himself unwell. Rodney would not want this to happen."

"No," Elizabeth agreed. "Rodney wouldn't want John to do this to himself. But, he's just not getting over it. And I doubt he ever will."

"He lost the most important person in his life. We can't expect him to just brush it off like it was nothing," Aiden told the group, a little anger in his voice.

"Relax son," Carson soothed. "No one expects him to. But I agree with Elizabeth. It is becoming unhealthy for the Major to continue this way."

"Well, we tried talking to him last week, didn't we Teyla?" Aiden said.

"Indeed. However, he was most… stubborn. He insisted that he was alright, and that we should not worry, despite the fact that we have eyes and we can see how Rodney's death has affected him."

Flashback

Aiden and Teyla finally located John in his room. He must have been hiding out or wandering through the city, because he had not answered the door when they had tried it an hour before. His voice was weary as he called out "Come in" and thought the door open with his mind.

Teyla and Aiden entered to find John reclining on the sofa. He had a small leather-bound book in his hands and was staring at one of the pages. Aiden immediately recognised it as the photo album he had given John and Rodney on their second anniversary. He had brought a digital camera with him from Earth, and often took it out and about on his days off. The album in particular held over thirty pictures of John and Rodney, and of the team with Elizabeth. They had loved it, as in all the pictures everyone was bright, and happy and smiling. It hurt that some of the people in the pictures were no longer alive today because of the Wraith, but the couple prized it.

John barely looked up when his team-mates entered the room. His gaze was fixated on one page, and Aiden craned his neck to see what picture he was looking at. It was one he had taken during their Thanksgiving celebration on the mainland. (Never mind the fact that it had been the height of summer on Atlantis instead of November. The celebrations went ahead.) It was a picture of John and Rodney. They were sitting on a bench; Rodney was sitting on the seat between John's legs and John was sitting on the back. He had an arm looped around Rodney's shoulder, and his head rested on the other one. Both men were smiling widely and one could almost feel the love that existed between the two of them.

"This picture was always Rodney's favourite," John told them quietly, his eyes never leaving Rodney's face.

"I can see why," Teyla answered quietly. "It captures the two of you at your best."

John smiled briefly, one that didn't reach his eyes and lapsed into silence again. The silence grew until Aiden thought he would scream.

"Major…" he began but John interrupted.

"Going to tag-team me, are you?"

"Tag-team?" Teyla was confused, but Aiden was on a roll now.

"Yes sir we are. We are worried about you. Everyone is."

"I'm fine Lieutenant, as you can see. Now run along to Weir and tell her that you carried out her orders like a good little soldier."

"With all due respect sir, you're not fine."

"Aiden is correct John. You are obviously not fine. You have lost weight, and when was the last time you slept more than five hours?"

"I don't need a mother Teyla," John told her through gritted teeth.

"Sir, Doctor Weir is thinking of taking you out of active duty for a while." This was a lie, but Aiden was getting desperate. He had to say something to try to get through to the major. He was shocked to the core when John simply replied

"Fine."

"The John Sheppard I know would not take such an action lying down. He would fight it to the end," Teyla told him.

"The John Sheppard you knew is dead Teyla," John told her sadly. "He died on that planet along with Rodney."

With that, he stood and walked into the bedroom. The door to the hall opened in a clear invitation for them to leave. Aiden and Teyla stood and left, both more concerned about their friend than they had been before talking to him.

End Flashback

As it turned out, Elizabeth did in fact relieve him of command of AG – 1 for the foreseeable future. She assigned Dr. Zelenka and Sergeant Bates to the team in John and Rodney's place. John hadn't put up even a token protest. He had simply stood, and left, ignoring Elizabeth's attempts to explain that it was for his own safety as well as for the safety of his team that she did it. He was a danger to himself and others out in the field, as he was unfocused and short-tempered.

The fact that John hadn't even put up a token protest scared her more than when Kolya had held a gun her. She had already lost one of her best friends. She didn't want to lose another.

"He looks terrible," she whispered as she took her usual seat at the head of the table.

"Aye. He's not sleeping, anyone can see that," Carson agreed, a thoughtful frown on his face. "He's also lost a dangerous amount of weight."

"And God knows he didn't have exactly much to spare before this," Zelenka added.

"Tell me," Carson began to speak but he stopped, unsure. He really should discuss this with John first, but needed to know if other people noticed this also. "Tell me, when was the last time anyone saw him eat anything?"

The room was silent as the occupants all thought over the last few weeks.

"I had breakfast in the mess with him a few days ago," Aiden offered.

"What did he eat?" Carson asked.

"Um… he just had coffee," Aiden admitted dejectedly. "He said he had already eaten before I got there."

"I have also seen him in the mess hall several times over the past few weeks, but I have never seen him eat anything," Teyla added.

"Damn," Carson swore under his breath. He was afraid of this happening. For the first few months after Rodney's death, they all had taken care of John, making sure he ate and got enough sleep. But, John was a grown man. They couldn't baby-sit him forever. Besides, John had threatened to strangle them all if they didn't give him some room. At the time, it had seemed like a good idea to let him grieve in peace. That was two months ago.

"What are you saying Carson? Are you saying that John his anorexic?" Elizabeth asked a frown of concern on her face.

"Not anorexic per-say," Carson told her. "Anorexia is characterized by a morbid fear of becoming fat. I don't believe the Major is concerned with that. I think that he is just giving up."

"He doesn't want to kill himself outright, so he's doing it gradually," Elizabeth realised. She sat back in her chair, and crossed her arms. No one commented on the silent tear that slipped down her cheek.

"I would have spoken before, but I wanted to see if he would come out of it himself. He's obviously not. I need John to come into the infirmary. I need to run tests, get some fluids in him, and get him to eat something. And I need to do it now!" Carson told the group.

"He is not going to go voluntarily," Zelenka surmised.

"We will get him to the infirmary," Teyla said as she and Aiden stood. From the determined look on her face, Elizabeth had no trouble believing that if she would get him there if she had to drag him by the hair.

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John stood on the balcony in his quarters and stared across the silent sea. His right hand clutched the rail, and his left tenderly held the picture of him and Rodney that Ford had taken on Thanksgiving. Rodney had bitched and moaned about missing out on a day's work for some 'stupid American tradition' but once John had gotten him there, they'd had a blast. John smiled down at the picture. They looked so relaxed. John's eyes were hidden behind his dark sunglasses, but happiness just seemed to seep from every pore. One of Rodney's hands clasped John's joined ones, and his head rested back against John's knee. They looked so young, so in love, so full of life…

He reverently placed the picture in his back pocket, and continued to stare out across the sea. A blast of wind swept across the surface, chilling John, but he made no move to go into his room and get a jacket or warm sweater. Truth be told, John still could barely stomach the fact that it was his room now, and not their room. Staying there was a double edged sword.

On the one hand, John continued to live there because everything reminded him of Rodney. Rodney's den was untouched as was his side of the wardrobe. Little Rodney things were scattered about the rooms, from his notebooks to his hairbrush. While they were there, John felt close to Rodney.

But, on the other hand, everything reminded him of Rodney.

He wanted to be close to Rodney still, but staying close was so painful. It just reminded him what he'd had… and lost. He had nearly chocked the first time had had said 'my room', and he still wasn't used to it.

His stomach rumbled in hunger, but he pushed the thought of food away. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten more than a few mouthfuls, but he didn't care. Nothing really mattered any more. Rodney was gone.

Tears blurred his vision, and John let them fall. He had cried so much already that a few more wouldn't hurt.

He wondered what was going to happen to him now. He knew if she could, Elizabeth would send him back to Earth for a while, to get over it a little. What would he do if he were on Earth? His parents were dead, and he hadn't seen his big brother in years. Chris had taken exception to John's sexuality, and the pair hadn't spoken since 1994. He could hardly show up on his doorstep, crying over his dead lover. It didn't matter anyhow. He was on Atlantis, and on Atlantis he was staying… at least for the time being. John had to admit, he felt a little lost. Elizabeth had taken away his team so he could get some 'rest ant recuperation.' Jesus, she made it sound like some illness he was trying to shake off. Didn't she care at all that Rodney was gone?

No, that wasn't fair. John knew Elizabeth loved Rodney as a friend, and that she missed him too. They all did; Ford and Teyla, Carson and Zelenka. Hell, even Kavanaugh looked a little lost without someone to have a proper fight with.

No one fought like Rodney that was for sure. John smiled briefly at the though. He was convinced that Rodney had taken lessons in being a pain in the ass. He loved their fights. Rodney was always so full of passion when he was angry! He would shout and rant and look as sexy as hell as he did so. He was always so energetic, so… full of life.

Well, that wasn't the case now.

John choked back another wave of tears and tightened his grip on the railings. He felt a little bit dizzy. His stomach rumbled again, louder this time, and his head swam. His breath came in short gasps and his legs felt weak. They gradually gave way as he hung on to the railings. He slid to the floor, trying to catch breath. He had never felt so weak in hid life. His chest ached and his vision clouded over. He felt himself go limp as consciousness faded.

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"John!" Teyla called for the third time. She and Aiden were standing outside John's quarters, but he wasn't opening up.

"Maybe he isn't there," Aiden offered.

"No, he is there," Teyla told him. "I checked with Williams in the control room. There is someone in there. And it could only be John."

She knocked again, louder this time.

"I am concerned," she told Aiden.

"Maybe he's just pissed about being put on leave. He probably won't want to talk to us," Aiden guessed.

"Well, I am sorry, but he will have to talk to us. It is for his own good."

She tried the door again. It was still locked.

"Can you open this?" she asked the young Lieutenant.

He thought for a moment.

"Maybe," He told her. "Rodney taught me how to break in and out of rooms on Atlantis in case Atlantis was invaded again and we were locked up. It was a while ago though. I'm not sure I remember exactly how to do it."

"Just try, please," Teyla urged. "And make haste. I feel that something is very wrong in there."

It took Aiden about ten minutes but finally he remembered the configuration that Rodney had taught him over a year ago. The doors slid open silently to an empty room. There was no sign of John. Teyla checked the bedroom and Ford was walking towards the bathroom when a flash of green on the balcony caught his eye.

"TEYLA!" he shouted as he sprinted to the prone figure. John's face was white as a sheet, and he was covered in sweat. His pulse was faint and sporadic. Aiden felt Teyla come up behind him and heard her gasp of shock. She ran to the comm. unit on the wall and slapped it on.

"Teyla to Doctor Beckett. Please come quickly. There is an emergency."

"Where are you?" his voice floated over the comm.

"I am in John's room. He is unconscious."

"I'm on my way," Carson told her and she could hear the grimness in his voice.

"John! John! Come on, wake up, Sir!"

Aiden was trying to wake his CO up, but to no avail. It seemed to them both that an eternity passed before Carson arrived with several nurses and a stretcher. They stood back as Carson began checking John over for obvious signs of injury. He checked John's pupils and pulse, muttering to himself all the time. They loaded the unconscious major onto the stretcher, and made for the infirmary; Aiden and Teyla at their heels.

When they arrived, Carson banished them to a waiting room where they were joined by Elizabeth and Radek a few minutes later. Carson had called them on the way to John's room, and they joined his team mates in their vigil.

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Carson emerged from the infirmary several hours later. He was grey with fatigue and gratefully accepted the cup of coffee that Elizabeth gave him.

"How is he?" she asked gently.

"We stabilized him," Carson told her. "He woke up about an hour after we brought him in. He was aware of what was going on around him. He's sleeping now. God knows he needs to catch up."

"What's wrong with him Doc?" Aiden asked.

Carson sighed. "It is his heart. To use your earlier observation Elizabeth, as with an anorexic, he hasn't eaten more than a few mouthfuls in a long time. He's basically been starving himself, though it has more to do with lack of hope than anything else. Few anorexics actually die, but those that do die usually die from heart failure rather than starvation. His heart is under severe strain. I've put an IV in and if he won't eat, I can always put a tube in. I won't lose another friend. I won't!" he added almost to himself.

Elizabeth put an arm around his shoulder in comfort.

"We won't lose him Carson. I won't let him go," she promised him. "We've got to help him get over this."

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Part two is in the works and should be up in a few days. Enjoy!