Author's notes: One of the fun things about having this story finished (albeit in a fairly rough form) before I posted it was reading all the questions that reviewers came up with. Some questions I knew wouldn't get covered at all in the story, but other questions I knew would have an eventual answer. This chapter provides one of those answers, well hopefully, and I hope that the payoff is decent enough. Although, I've got to admit, I really do cringe at certain parts of this chapter – I'm utterly useless when it comes to writing emotions, and parts of this just scream cliché melodrama.


Kiss: Gardenia. Perfect Blue. The space between dream and reality. Cradle.

When Kai-stern awoke the next morning, bathed in sunlight that filtered through the curtains, Alfeegi was gone. His memories of the evening before were slightly hazy, but not enough so that he did not recall in some detail what had happened. A sardonic smile swept across his lips as he gently brushed his fingertips against his mouth, remembering gentle kisses, soft kisses. Passionate, desperate kisses …

And if he had spent the last few years sinking beneath Alfeegi's gaze, Kai-stern had drowned last night in his embrace, lost forever between plain white sheets that doubled as dream and reality. Even now he found it difficult to separate the surreal nature of the night before with the stark reality that the morning had brought. Phantom fingers still danced across his skin, a warm body still seemed molded to his own.

But Alfeegi was gone, and what had been a much needed haven last night was now an unqualified disaster when greeted with the brutal honesty of daylight.

He had needed someone last night. Desperately needed someone to care, to somehow lighten the heaviness of his thoughts and ease the hurt that he just couldn't seem to let go of. Normally, it didn't matter. Kai-stern would drink away his sorrows and go home with the first semi-attractive person who hit on him, able to lose himself at least for a while.

With Alfeegi, he had found himself instead.

Hell. Alfeegi must hate him.

There were clean clothes folded neatly at the end of his bed, and Kai-stern slipped into them quickly before slinking outside. He couldn't face seeing anyone quite yet, his thoughts too scattered and confused to be able to contribute to any sort of conversation that went past a simple greeting. Alfeegi's room opened up onto a small garden that was hidden from most of the castle, and it offered a sense of solitude without having the overbearing feel of Alfeegi that the room did. Alfeegi's room held too many questions he wasn't sure how to answer.

The garden was very unAlfeegi-like, the grass brushing against Kai-stern's ankles and scattered leaves masking the small dirt path that lead to an abandoned goldfish pond. The wooden bench that he collapsed down onto groaned slightly under his weight, and if Kai-stern hadn't been so preoccupied with his thoughts, he would have reflected wryly on how Alfeegi was not much of a gardener.

Kai-stern wasn't sure how long he sat there, blank eyes staring disinterestedly at the pond that was surrounded by overgrown gardenias dyed the perfect shade of blue. The colour was almost hypnotic, and he found that if he focused on the petals long enough, he lost the ability to concentrate on anything more complicated than how they were slightly darker at the tips than at the base.

When Ruwalk came and sat silently beside him, Kai-stern managed to ignore the other man in favor of the perfect shade of blue for almost half an hour.

"Alfeegi's not here," Kai-stern finally said, eyes never leaving the pond and its pretty flowers.

"I noticed." There was a chuckle in Ruwalk's voice. "But I wasn't looking for him."

"Ruwalk, I'm exhausted. My body is aching. I've just managed to destroy one of the closest friendships I've ever had. I have the hangover from hell. I don't really feel like talking."

"The gardenias are really a perfect shade of blue, aren't they?" The friendly warmth of Ruwalk's words was simply too much for Kai-stern, whose nerves were brittle and on edge as it was. "The first time I ever met Alfeegi was in this garden, he'd just moved in and I'd been sent to show him around the rest of the castle. He was sitting right where you are now, looking over the pond with this strange, determined look on his face. Framed by the gardenias, I thought him to be the most beautiful person I'd ever met. I think," Ruwalk said thoughtfully as Kai-stern turned to watch him, unable to keep his gaze elsewhere any longer. "That I fell in love with him just a little that afternoon." Kai-stern felt his heart stop for one, impossibly long moment. "Alfeegi is a very easy person to fall in love with, once you get passed some of his more … prickly aspects." Ruwalk smiled fondly. "Friendship came first, but the more I got to know him, the harder I started to fall. I doubt he has any idea the true effect he has on people, although I have a feeling you just might." Ruwalk's smile took on a kind edge as Kai-stern dropped his head just slightly. "I used to think that there was nothing in the world worse than having to deal with unrequited love. I'd see Alfeegi each day, but he never showed even a glimmer of interest. He had the power to destroy me with a glance, and yet it felt as though he would never be able to see me as more than a very good friend."

"You were in love with Alfeegi." Kai-stern's words came out hoarse.

"Madly in love. So much so that I made a fool of myself a hundred times over," came Ruwalk's wry response. "I always thought that if one day he showed just a hint of returning my feelings, then I would grasp that opportunity and tie him to my forever. And then, one day, he did. Except, it wasn't just a hint or a flicker, it was an all encompassing love that promised so much, and was far more than I could have ever hoped for. It was then that I discovered that while unrequited love was almost unerringly painful, requited love was far more complicated."

"I don't understand why you're telling me this, Ruwalk. I think Alfeegi needs to hear this far more than I do." The words were hard to say, and Kai-stern had to force them out.

"All my plans at throwing myself at him if he ever gave me the chance were abandoned." Ruwalk continued on as though he hadn't heard a word Kai-stern had said. "New plans had to be made, ones that were rational and carefully thought out. Daydreams and flights of fantasies don't require any base in reality, but the possibility of being with Alfeegi was no longer merely either of those. There was a real chance, true hope. But with those came real and true consequences, and if I somehow judged it all wrong, I could risk losing Alfeegi's friendship forever. That was simply not an option."

"Because you loved him too much." Hollow, empty words. Kai-stern felt as though he had been drained of all emotion, nothing but a shell left behind.

"No," Ruwalk corrected with a slightly bittersweet smile. "I loved our friendship too much. I wasn't willing to follow my heart if it meant I could lose him completely. It was a difficult realisation to come to, knowing that it didn't matter how much I was in love with him, I didn't love him enough." Confused, Kai-stern could only sit silently as Ruwalk continued. "As a friend, no one holds him more dearly. No one. But true love comes from being willing to sacrifice everything to make the person you are in love with happy, and I couldn't do that – I stumbled at the very last hurdle. When it came to choosing between love and friendship, I couldn't risk choosing love, and Alfeegi deserves more than that." This time, the smile was slightly stronger. "And so do I." Ruwalk's last words startled Kai-stern out of the trance Ruwalk's words had sent him into.

"But nobody could love you more than Alfeegi."

"And yet, Alfeegi has never been able to risk our friendship in any manner either, Kai-stern. He may be in love with me, just like I will always be in love with him. But, he failed the last test as well. Alfeegi never stole a kiss on any of the occasions when he drank too much, even though he could have explained it away easily the next morning. He never said anything when we fought side by side, sure that death was about to come charging at us around the corner." Ruwalk's eyes drifted back towards Alfeegi's mess of a room, a slightly bemused and sad smile in place. "He never made love to me at moments when I might have so desperately needed it."

"Alfeegi was drunk," Kai-stern protested quietly.

"Alcohol only allows emotions that already exist come to the fore, Kai-stern. I have been drunk with Alfeegi over the years on more occasions than you have, and never once did either of us come close to crossing the boundaries that you two have crossed on several occasions now." Ruwalk raised a hand and gently pressed it against Kai-stern's cheek, serious eyes locking with Kai-stern's helpless ones.

"Ruwalk …"

"He loves you enough to risk losing you, if it means that he might just have the slightest chance of making you truly happy instead." Ruwalk's eyes glistened. "He might not even completely realize that himself yet, but his actions speak louder than any words can. There is no love greater than that. He could make you very happy, Kai-stern, and I believe that you could make him very happy as well." Kai-stern couldn't look away; he was completely locked in Ruwalk's gaze.

"Even if he does care for me," and there was a hint of disbelieving hysteria in Kai-stern's words. "Even if he does, that doesn't mean that something between us could work. He is very different to me, Ruwalk. He is …" Everything that Kai-stern doubted he personally could ever quite be. "It could still all fall apart."

"Yes, it could. And it could fall apart so completely that you'll never quite regain the same level of friendship you once had with him. And, I might be completely wrong – he might feel nothing more than friendship or a base, physical attraction for you." Ruwalk said with slight sadness. "You love him." Kai-stern closed his eyes and let out a shuddering breath. "But do you love him enough to risk everything on that one chance of possibly making him happy, even if you ultimately lose him completely?" Before Kai-stern could answer Ruwalk gently placed a finger against his lips. "Either way, I am not the one you need to tell. Alfeegi has barricaded himself in his office ands refuses to talk to anyone. Even me." Even though Ruwalk's smile never faltered, Kai-stern could feel the pain behind his words. "He is confused, Kai-stern. As confused as you are. I don't think he ever expected this, he is not used to things that can't be easily slotted into spreadsheets or balanced up at the end of the day." Ruwalk rose, but paused for just a moment, his gaze still locked with Kai-stern's. "Whatever decision you make, please try not to hurt him."

And then Ruwalk was gone, leaving Kai-stern lost in thoughts that almost exclusively promised heartbreak, and memories of aqua eyes that shone the perfect shade of blue when Alfeegi was at his most happiest.