A/N : I tend to write these chapters over a longer period of time, kind of in the background whilst I'm writing quicker updates for 'Our Little Secret' and 'Life's Full Of Surprises', so suddenly new chapter of this just show up! Anyway, thanks to SouthernRain, wicked-angel3, MaidenRo (twice!), Rachel, Ahna the Bloody, sunnyhell, Halo for the reviews on this. Oh, Halo you asked how old Buffy is in this, I see her as early to mid twenties, I think I mentioned Spike being twenty-five back in the first or second chapter, anyway I hope that helps you. I am also updating 'Life's Full of Surprises' tonight!
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)
Chapter 5
'What am I doing?' Spike mentally kicked himself as he opened the door and led Buffy into his apartment. In all honesty, he had no idea why he'd invited her into his home, except for the fact that he just didn't want to have to watch her walk away from him yet. Somehow, everything felt less dark and oppressive when she was around.
He hung his coat on the back of the chair and threw his keys on the table, watched her put her purse down too as she looked around his apartment. She looked thoughtful as she wandered over to the window and looked out, and all he could think about was how beautiful she was just standing there...
"Wow, you have a great view from here" she commented, he heard her from the kitchen, and flicking on the kettle, he came to stand behind her, looking out across the town.
"Higher you go the better it looks" he told her, eyes focused out through the glass, mind floating off to a different place "Sometimes I sit out on the roof, at midnight when its quiet and still, and there's a full moon out" he continued, not noticing that she turned around to face him instead of the window "You can't hear the traffic from up there, don't get the light from the streetlamps. It's just you and the night and the view" he didn't mention what he thought about in that stillness, didn't tell her that his heart felt darker than even the night could be, but then it didn't when she was there...
"Sounds beautiful" she all but whispered and he was suddenly very aware of their position as his eyes shifted down and met hers, their bodies barely an inch or two apart.
"It is..." he replied just as softly "so are you" he added without thinking. Usually every phrase, every word was carefully planned, as was every action, for fear of consequences that he could not control. The past had made him fear himself, but she did not seem to fear him at all. How easy would it be for him to just lean down and kiss those lips that looked so inviting right now. There was a dangerous second when he considered it, but something shifted in her eyes that made him stop.
"Y'know, maybe I should skip the coffee" she said, looking away "it's late" she added as she side-stepped him and walked over to the table to pick up her purse.
"I'm sorry" he said as he turned around too. She looked at him strangely then.
"For what?" she asked and he realised he wasn't really sure what he was apologising for. Was it for what he's almost done with her, or was it for what he'd done to another before?
"Don't know really" he admitted, watching the pattern on the carpet instead of her face "nothing, everything" his voice disappeared completely as his mind went elsewhere, back to a time when words like sorry were even more useless, further back before he really knew what it meant.
"Y'know this is such a guy's apartment" he heard her say and his head shot up fast at the sudden and strange comment. He watched as she put her purse back on the table and proceeded to walk past him into the main part of the room, looking around and taking in the whole place.
"Well, I was a bloke last time I checked luv" he said as casually as he could, inside his mind racing, wishing he knew what was going on in that head of hers, of course it would probably help if he knew what he himself were thinking before he started second-guessing her "Thought you were leaving?" he said cautiously, half frightened that she might actually change her mind and go and half that she really would stay and be a temptation for him.
"I changed my mind" she shrugged her shoulders and smiled a little. She was such a mystery to him, such a strange combination of a woman and a child when she looked at him that way...
"Coffee then?" he checked and she nodded.
"Yes, thankyou" she answered, but he didn't move yet, just stood and watched as she turned from him to look around his home again "Definitely needs a woman's touch in here" she mused, running her hand along the bookshelf beside her, the shelf where the picture used to be...
"I don't like people messing with my stuff" Spike snapped, more than he meant to, but every time he thought he could be normal something served to remind him of why he wasn't.
"That's a very possessive attitude" she commented as she followed him back to the small kitchen.
"Maybe it is" he agreed as he got out the coffee and milk "just the way I am is all"
"So, no-one else ever lived with you?" she asked his back, he could feel her eyes watching his every move from the doorway and he felt a fool for noticing that his hands were shaking "Don't you get lonely?" she pressed, and he wished she'd just let the subject go.
"I like to be alone" he replied softly, turning sharply to add "present company excepted, of course" with a smile that was not at all fake when he looked at her.
"I never lived with anyone either" she shook her head "well, except for my parents when I was a kid obviously" he smiled along with her, coffee momentarily forgotten as he got lost in her eyes and her light laughter.
"Figured you for the type that'd have the perfect set up" he commented "Decent bloke, decent job, and dreams of 2.4 kids and white picket fences" the smile fell from his face as he turned himself back around, hiding his face on the pretext of making the drinks he'd originally intended to.
She used to dream like that, they made plans together of how it might be one day, now he'd never live that way, all rainbows and happy endings, it would never be that way for him, and it was far to late for her.
"Sometimes I dream like that" he heard Buffy answer "but it's not real. Life isn't like that"
"No, it isn't" Spike replied so quietly he barely heard himself as he reached for the cups, his mind wandering back again, to days when he used to dare to dream, days before the darkness settled over his life, before the rose wilted and he got lost amongst the thorns...
There was a crash as china hit tiled flooring and shards skittered across the surface. Buffy screamed in alarm and Spike spun round to look at her with a panicked expression. Her hand covered her chest and she breathed deeply as their eyes met.
"Sorry" she gulped in oxygen "it startled me" she said, almost nervously he noticed and silently he shook his head as he sunk to his knees to pick up the debris.
"Sure it's that?" he asked, looking up at her. She looked like she didn't understand what he meant, but he was sure she must. Leaving the shattered cup behind he got to his feet and advanced on her "Do I make you nervous?"
"A little" her voice wavered as she answered him, and he put himself right in front of her "You want me to be afraid of you?" she asked and he hated that he'd made her even think that for a second. He closed his eyes and sighed, wondering what on earth he thought he was doing.
"Dunno" he admitted "Some people are. Maybe you should be" his reply tailed off as he looked down on her again, bright innocent eyes staring back at him, the child behind the woman again "Maybe it'd be best if you just left" he added sadly, turning back and bending down to pick up the broken crockery again. There was silence as he cleared the mess and he knew she was watching him, hadn't moved at all. As he finished the job and turned around to see her standing there still as he knew she was, he opened his mouth to ask her why she hadn't left but her words came out first.
"I thought we were going to have coffee" she said, somewhat sadly he thought.
He shook his head before replying;
"I only had two cups..." it was a poor excuse despite the fact it were true, but he was so afraid of what could happen to her if she got involved with a guy like him. He followed her back to the table where she'd left her purse and then to the door. He opened it for her, looking down at the floor as he waited for her to leave.
"I'm sorry" she practically whispered and he wondered what exactly she was apologising for, whatever it was, he wouldn't let her take the blame.
"It's not your fault pet" he told her without looking up. She slipped out of the door and he closed it behind her with a sigh "it's my fault" he whispered "it's always mine"
- - - - - - - - -
Buffy wondered at her own ability to lie or at least conceal the truth of what she really felt. A million thoughts and feelings were flying through her mind as she crossed the threshold into Spike's apartment. It was not exactly how she pictured it, fairly tidy for a guys apartment but still obviously without feminine influence. He walked towards the kitchen and she wondered if she should follow. Deciding she needed just a moment to breathe she went towards the window and looked out across the town.
"Wow, you have a great view from here" she commented as casually as she could, trying to forget for a moment where she was, in the lion's den. A voice not unlike one of her superior officers told her she could probably do more good from the inside, the belly of the beast, but wouldn't that mean that she'd been swallowed already?
"Higher you go the better it looks" she heard his voice behind her, felt him standing close and she shivered involuntarily as she listened to him talk "Sometimes I sit out on the roof, at night when its quiet and still, you can't hear the traffic from up there, don't get the light from the streetlamps. It's just you and the night and the view" he painted such a pretty picture, put her so at ease, she didn't think about what she was doing by turning around until she came face to face with him, their bodies almost touching.
"Sounds beautiful" she said much more quietly than she intended to, finding it hard to breathe as he looked into her eyes.
"It is...so are you" he all but whispered, and Buffy knew precisely what he was thinking, the same thing she was, it would be so easy for him to kiss her now and a large part of her really wished he'd just take a chance, but he didn't. As disappointed as she was, a part of her was also relived, how deep did she really want to get in with this guy, knowing what she did about him?
"Y'know, maybe I should skip the coffee" she mumbled, eyes shooting down to her shoes "it's late" she added as she pushed past him and grabbed her purse from the table, fully intending to bolt for the door...
"I'm sorry" she heard him say behind her and her hands stilled on the strap of her bag.
"For what?" she asked, not turning yet, heart hammering in her chest as she wondered what he might say, what he might admit. He was silent and she finally looked at him to see why he hadn't answered. She watched him as he stared down at his own shifting feet before finally glancing up at her and giving an answer.
"Don't know really" he shrugged "nothing, everything"
In that moment all she'd worried about evaporated and Buffy remembered why she'd originally agreed to come into this apartment. He wasn't the man from the file back at the office, he wasn't dangerous or criminal. On the outside he was the gorgeous, caring, though slightly mysterious man. On the inside, a frightened little boy.
Leaving her purse on the table, Buffy turned and walked a few steps, taking in the room and its contents.
"Y'know this is such a guy's apartment" she said eventually, managing to smile at him as they finally looked at each other again.
"Well" he said slowly "I was a bloke last time I checked luv"
She smiled genuinely then, glad of the relaxed feeling that came over her and liking the fact it seemed he felt it too.
"Thought you were leaving?" he asked, a scarred eyebrow raised. She shrugged her shoulders and tried to look the picture of innocence.
"I changed my mind" she told him and he accepted her answer with a nod and not a hint of hesitation.
"Coffee then?" he asked and she nodded once, before turning back to survey the room. He was looking at her in that way again, the way that made the word fade out til they were the only two there. The way that made her want him so badly...
"Definitely needs a woman's touch in here" she mused as she looked around, running her hand along a shelf that looked like it needed dusting.
"I don't like people messing with my stuff" he snapped and she jumped a little at the suddenness and severity of his voice.
"That's a very possessive attitude" she commented as she dared to follow him into the kitchen, wondering why his mood has suddenly changed so much. She'd hit a nerve, she knew she should carefully dig deeper.
"Maybe it is" he agreed as she watched him take the coffee from the cupboard and the milk from the refrigerator "just the way I am is all"
"So, no-one else ever lived with you" she pressed, knowing she was treading on thin ice "Don't you get lonely?"
"I like to be alone" she barely heard his answer "present company excepted, of course" he smiled slightly as he turned to look at her.
"I never lived with anyone either" Buffy shrugged, keeping her eyes away from his, "well, except for my parents when I was a kid obviously" she rolled her eyes at how dumb she must have sounded, but she was nervous, unsure whether it was because she was deceiving him or just because she liked him so much.
"Figured you for the type that'd have the perfect set up" she heard him say, daring to look up at him as she realised she couldn't avoid eye contact forever, not if this was all going to go according to plan "Decent bloke, decent job, and dreams of 2.4 kids and white picket fences" he smirked at his own words before his expression grew darker and he turned away from her. She frowned.
"Sometimes I dream like that, but it's not real" she sighed, "Life isn't like that" she felt sick as his grim look served to remind her life would never be that way, especially not with this man.
She was so caught up in her thoughts, so on edge and nervous, when the china cup hit the floor and shattered, the scream had escaped her throat before her brain even engaged. He turned to her with a questioning look as she breathed deeply and tried to stay calm but he looked at her like he was hurt or even angered by her over-reaction.
"Sorry, it startled me" she said quietly, desperate to stop herself from shaking as he walked towards her.
"Sure it's that?" he asked "Do I make you nervous?" his voice was low as he stood right in front of her and her mind argued with itself about whether she should stay or run. If he was what she was suppose to believe he was, she was taking a hell of a risk doing either.
"A little" she admitted with a quiver in her voice "You want me to be afraid of you?" she asked him, not sure which answer she wanted him to give, yes or no.
"Dunno" he said, the piercing blue of his gaze suddenly disappearing behind his eyelids, allowing her to breathe a little easier "Some people are" he told her, as she looked up at him, "maybe you should be"
She realised as he turned and walked back towards the shattered china on the floor, that he really believed she ought to be afraid, and as much as she knew he was right, she couldn't fear him, not really.
"Maybe it'd be best if you just left" he said from his position kneeling on the ground. It hurt that he couldn't even look at her now.
"But I thought we were going to have coffee" she said sadly and he shook his head, explaining that he only had two cups. She didn't question his poor excuse, deciding tonight had been confusing enough. She really needed to get away.
They stood by the front door, her hands fiddling with the strap of her purse as he opened the door for her and waited for her to leave. A part of her really didn't want to walk away.
"I'm sorry" she said, barely above a whisper, not sure precisely what she was apologising for. She didn't even hear him answer her, just heard the door click shut behind her and felt like something inside her lurch painfully at the thought he might be hurting as much as she was right now.
To Be Continued...
