Author's notes: Last chapter, and where I chose the title of the fic from. It's certainly been a fun experience, as well as one that I've learnt a lot from. A big thanks to everyone, and I hope you're all not too disappointed with how this ends. There are some parts of this that I've left deliberately open ended, as I always planned to leave the opportunity for a sequel if I ever got around to it. There's something in one of the previous chapters that was mentioned just in passing that will be the base of the eventual sequel, so if anyone wants to reread them and try and figure out what it is, you're more than welcome to make a guess or two! If I do write the sequel, it won't be for a while – I've a few other pieces I need to work on first.
As I said, this was a huge learning curve for me, and all the comments, thoughts, and crit have all been a huge help. I will do some pruning of the previous chapter to hopefully make it have a more in character feel to it, as well as eventually some more general editing of the series in the not too distant future. All after a little break, first. Thanks again to all the reviewers, you've all been just brilliant.
Kiss: Kiss.
Death was not option. Everything else, however, Alfeegi thought with a snarl as he harshly signed his name at the bottom of a document that he had barely skimmed over, was pretty much fair game. If he'd simply made a fool out of himself then that would have been fine – Alfeegi was rather used to feeling like an idiot, although that was almost always a direct result of someone else setting him up for that very purpose. But this, this hadn't been mere stupidity …
Noticing that the next report was written by Ruwalk, Alfeegi immediately dropped it onto the top of the pile of paperwork to his left. Rath had dubbed it the 're-write pile of doom', as anything that ended up there was always immediately sent back and was demanded to be re-written before Alfeegi would even consider reading it.
Alfeegi had left the moment morning had come. His initial disbelief over his own actions had been nothing compared to the realisation that he had taken advantage of his very drunk friend. Very, very drunk friend. It had been wrong on a hundred different levels, and Alfeegi had not been able to face Kai-stern long enough to even apologize, and he had instead chosen to flee like a coward to the supposed safety of his office. Here, however, Kai-stern still haunted his thoughts, and his guilt never left Alfeegi alone for even a moment.
But the guilt he could almost deal with, what Alfeegi couldn't handle quite as well were the memories that came with it. Calloused hands that had seemed strangely hesitant at first, the unique way Kai-stern tasted, the feel of Kai-stern laying beneath him, trusting eyes that welcomed and promised and cared holding his own…
Just as those eyes were holding him now, in a way that Alfeegi could not shake.
It had been the ultimate betrayal. Kai-stern had needed a friend, not sex.
Although Kai-stern had certainly been more than willing.
But only, Alfeegi reminded himself angrily as the traitorous thought slipped in, because Kai-stern had been drunk, and things had only then still progressed as far as they did because Alfeegi had given Kai-stern the wrong impression.
How he could have really expected Kai-stern to be able to interpret Alfeegi's actions correctly in the state he'd been in when even now Alfeegi was having trouble deciphering them himself, he wasn't sure. Even if Kai-stern didn't wake up feeling as though he'd been taking advantage of, then surely Kai-stern still wouldn't see it as more than a drunken fling between friends.
Last night, Alfeegi hadn't wanted to let go of Kai-stern after that first, lingering kiss. In the harsh reality of daylight, he was finding he still didn't. Clever, warm, beautiful Kai-stern had somehow managed to capture Alfeegi's heart in a way that Alfeegi had never thought possible. More than that, Kai-stern had managed to draw from him a response that even Ruwalk had never been able to, dragging passionate and loving kisses from merely Alfeegi's imagination and placing them into a bed that had been very much real.
It had been perfect. But it shouldn't have been. Kai-stern had been drunk, and Kai-stern was neither Ruwalk nor Javon. Ruwalk, who was supposed to be the most important person in Alfeegi's life, the one man that Alfeegi had ever allowed himself to truly love. Javon, who was warm and wonderful, and cared for Alfeegi without caring too much for things to ever become complicated.
And it had been perfect. But more than that, it had seemed so very right. Alfeegi would do it all over again in a heartbeat if Kai-stern would only allow one little clause to be added, one that promised that Kai-stern would stay forever.
Some time during the past few years, Alfeegi had fallen in love. Madly, deeply, completely in love.
But last night had been at best a fling, at worst a situation where Alfeegi had let his own, practically suppressed up until then, attraction take a dangerous turn. If Alfeegi was lucky, Kai-stern might not hate him quite as much as Alfeegi currently hated himself.
"Alfeegi? Do you mind if I come in?" Alfeegi dropped his quill as Kai-stern's quiet words floated through his locked office door.
"I'm working," he forced out through suddenly dry lips. "I don't have time to talk." The words seemed unnecessarily cruel even to Alfeegi's ears, but he couldn't erase them once said.
"That's fine." For a moment, Alfeegi thought that Kai-stern had actually left, until he heard a slight bump against the door, followed by the sound of fabric scratching slightly against wood. "I won't be long, and I suppose I can say what I need to from this side of the door." There was slight humor in Kai-stern's voice, but it took Alfeegi almost an entire minute to realize why Kai-stern's words seemed to not come quite from the same direction as they had originally.
"Kai-stern, you better not be sitting against my door," Alfeegi warned darkly, already imagining with horror the looks Kai-stern was sure to get from anyone passing by.
"Want to come out and check?"
"No. I want you to go away."
"That's not very nice," Kai-stern's voice held a note of disapproval. "All I want to do is talk about last night." Alfeegi's heartbeat slowed down to a crawl.
"Kai-stern, I'm not having this conversation right now."
"No, you're not." It was almost startling to hear Kai-stern agree with him, considering that they somehow managed to never agree on anything. "I'm having this conversation; you are an unwilling bystander with no means of escape. Of course, you could let me in and then we could have this conversation, but I'm fine with doing all the talking out here on my lonesome if it comes to that." Alfeegi didn't bother to reply - Kai-stern wouldn't dare. "Well then. First things first, I suppose." There was a pause, and Alfeegi found that although he had picked his quill up again, he couldn't quite force himself to turn his attention away from the door to actually sign off the piece of parchment beneath it. "I'm sorry, Alfeegi."
Of all the things Alfeegi had possibly expected from Kai-stern, an apology was certainly not one of them.
"I'm sorry for putting you in a situation that you obviously feel uncomfortable in." Kai-stern continued. Hell, I've got to admit, this isn't something I'm all that used to either. If I hadn't as much to drink – if I hadn't encouraged you to drink as well, then perhaps we wouldn't be in this situation."
"You were drunk. I was slightly so." Alfeegi responded curtly. "There isn't anything else that needs to be discussed. Now that we've both acknowledged that we regret how the evening went, I believe you have work you should be doing?"
"I didn't say anything about regret, Alfeegi." The words were spoken quietly. "I'm sorry that last night created such a difficult situation, but I don't regret what happened. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, I don't know." Kai-stern chuckled darkly. "And maybe you hate me even more because I don't regret it." Alfeegi had moved away from his desk as Kai-stern had spoken, and before Kai-stern could continue with his line of thought Alfeegi had opened the door, allowing a sprawling Kai-stern in.
"I don't believe that this is the kind of thing that anyone who just happens to be passing by needs to hear," Alfeegi said almost coldly, before shutting the door behind Kai-stern. He didn't know any other way to conceal his fluttering emotions. "You don't regret what happened."
"No."
"Even though I basically took advantage of you while you were drunk and upset?"
"I, Alfeegi." Kai-stern's smile twisted slightly at the corners. "You can't really take advantage of someone who is completely and utterly willing to be 'taken advantage' of. I have been … attracted to you for some time." Kai-stern admitted, before letting out a deep breath. "Very attracted."
"Very attracted?" Alfeegi echoed, slightly disbelievingly. What was the difference between pure attraction and attraction that demanded the use of 'very'? Alfeegi's eyes narrowed slightly. The words on their own were shocking enough, and if Kai-stern had not used such a strange emphasis then perhaps Alfeegi would have found it difficult to wrap his mind around the concept that Kai-stern found him attractive in the first place.
"Very, very attracted." Kai-stern laughed then, as though even he was finding his turn of phrase vaguely ridiculous. "I'm not very good at this, Alfeegi."
"I've noticed," came Alfeegi's wry response. If at all possible, Kai-stern was making Alfeegi even more confused. Everything that came from the usually straight speaking Kai-stern seemed to be meant to avoid any sort of point or true explanation, and as Kai-stern went to speak again, he seemed to realize this. Kai-stern paused, before taking a harsh breath inwards and inhaling slowly, his gaze taking on a startling determination that was still shot through with just a hint of self-depicting humor.
"I'm in love with you." Alfeegi froze completely at Kai-stern's words. "Completely and utterly in love with you. I don't expect you to feel the same way, or to care at all, really." Kai-stern was babbling on helplessly, and as much as Alfeegi found he wanted to interrupt the other man, he could not seem to find the words he needed. "And I know that you're still in love with Ruwalk, and you get along so well with Javon. I don't exactly fit anywhere into that picture, which is probably far too complicated as it is, anyway."
"How long?" Kai-stern was in love with him. Kai-stern. Alfeegi was desperately trying to get his thoughts into some sense of order, the wild hysteria that was currently dictating everything not allowing for any true insight from sanity. "How long have you been in love with me?" The simple question seemed to deflate Kai-stern slightly, and the tumble of words that had come before gave way to a more controlled tone.
"Since our visit to Drapam." Over three years, and Kai-stern had never even hinted that he cared for Alfeegi as more than a friend. And yet … Kai-stern had been the one who had wanted him to move on, who had wanted Alfeegi to be as happy as possible. It had been Kai-stern who had helped mend his broken heart, and it had been Kai-stern that he had turned to when he couldn't talk to even Ruwalk.
And Kai-stern had never hinted at being in love with Alfeegi at all, yet that love had still been in every moment that they had shared.
"So you see, that's why I can't regret last night even if I should." Kai-stern smiled slightly as he continued, sadness playing at the corners of his lips. Pain shone in his eyes now, although Kai-stern was trying desperately to hide it. "It might have been wrong and false, it might have been brought about by broken inhibitions as opposed to requited love." Kai-stern's smile drew tighter. "But despite all that it was still-"
"Perfect." Alfeegi softly finished Kai-stern's sentence for him, before stepping towards the other man. Kai-stern's eyes widened in surprise as Alfeegi closed the space before them, before brushing his fingers against Kai-stern's cheek. "Absolutely perfect." The words came out as a whisper as Alfeegi leaned in to close the final few inches that separated them, claiming Kai-stern's lips as his own in a tender kiss that could not be blamed on anything more intoxicating than desire and love. Kai-stern's eyes drifted closed even as his lips parted without resistance beneath Alfeegi's, pale hands settling on Alfeegi's hips as Alfeegi's own arms snaked around Kai-stern's back.
"I'm not Ruwalk," Kai-stern said quietly when the finally pulled apart, colourless eyes looking up into his own.
"No, you're not," Alfeegi agreed, trailing his fingertips absentmindedly across Kai-stern's collarbone. "But if I still wanted Ruwalk, then I would have kissed him." Earnest eyes held Kai-stern's slightly disbelieving ones, until that disbelief melted at least partly into acceptance. "I will always love him," Alfeegi murmured as he bent in to kiss Kai-stern again. "But I am in love with you."
Kai-stern shuddered into their next kiss, and while Alfeegi wasn't totally sure that Kai-stern completely believed him, he was sure that he would be able to able to convince him if given the chance.
"You know," Kai-stern grinned when they separated once again, although 'separate' was probably not all that accurate a word. "You have a very nice desk. A very big nice desk." The grin became almost predatory, and Alfeegi wondered for the first time exactly what he had gotten himself into.
Although, he wasn't finding he minded all that much.
"No." Firm, his reply left no room for argument. Kai-stern's 'suggestion' bordered on being scandalous, and Alfeegi was suitably outraged. Well, almost.
"Are you sure?" Kai-stern's hands stayed on Alfeegi's hips even as he guided the other man slowly backwards, not stopping until Alfeegi bumped slightly against the outer edge of his – admittedly – rather large and sturdy desk.
But, no. There were some things one simply did not do on a desk, and certainly not one that happened to be in Alfeegi's own office.
"No, Kai-stern." This time his words were accompanied by a stern glare. Very convincing. That one of his hands was playing with Kai-stern's hair and the other was resting lightly on his shoulder was perhaps not quite so convincing.
When Kai-stern leaned in and kissed him again to a point where he lost all thoughts of sensibility and rules, leaving him breathless and somewhat dazed, he forgot completely what he was supposed to be convincing Kai-stern of in the first place.
"Ok," Kai-stern murmured as his lips left Alfeegi's, amusement shining just slightly in his eyes. "I understand that you have a lot of work to do, and that you might have been somewhat … distracted … if I'd brought my paperwork in as well and worked beside you." That bastard. "I suppose I'll see you later in the afternoon, though?" A more natural smile returned, although Alfeegi was not quite as easily fooled by it as he might have been several years ago.
"Most certainly. I should be able to fit you into my timetable somewhere." The formal words were softened by the briefest of kisses. It was a silent reassurance, a promise, and it seemed to convince Kai-stern at least for now. With an almost boyish grin and a quick peck on the cheek, Kai-stern was gone, surely not to his office as he had so earnestly proclaimed, but to wherever work could be successfully avoided for at least a couple of hours.
How completely frustrating, didn't Kai-stern realize just how important paperwork was?
As Alfeegi returned to his own paperwork, noticing that the next report was by Rath (straight into the re-write pile), he couldn't help but smile just slightly, regardless.
