A/N : See, this fic didn't die, it's still alive and, well, maybe not kicking but wriggling a little bit. I got some more inspiration and wrote a new chapter, hopefully more will follow in due course but I do have Our Little Family and Your Big Day to write too so...I think I must be crazy. I promised myself after the last fiasco that I would never try to write and post three fics at once again, but here I am doing it! Oh well. Thanx to; SweetBitter, Rachel, wicked-angel3, MaidenRo, and spikeswife1, for the reviews and support. Sorry I made you wait so long! Here's more...
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)
Chapter 7
Spike felt like a giddy schoolboy as he walked along the street towards Weatherly Park for his so-called date with Buffy. When he called her it had been to apologise, but of course neither he nor she really knew what it was he was saying sorry for. Nevertheless, she had forgiven him for the unknown factor and had agreed to meet him in the park. The two hours between that phone call and now had been hell, wondering what he should wear, what he should say to her, or even if he should show up at all! Would it not be easier on her if he left well alone, just stopped seeing her, but he knew deep within his heart and soul that he couldn't let her go. Despite all that he'd done, if she could believe in him, surely he could believe in himself, make himself into a good man. But she believed in a man that didn't exist, because she didn't know the truth yet. His past. All about her.
He had no idea what he was going to say. A small part of him reminded him of a cliched phrase his father used to use 'Honesty is the best policy', of course the bugger had been done for fraud soon after and that was only after they'd found out he was shagging both his secretaries!
Still, there was no way he could be one hundred percent honest with Buffy. Maybe that made him a coward but, he was so afraid of losing her. She was nothing like his other princess, blonde where she was dark, sun-kissed skin and bright eyes where his old lover had been pale as the china dolls she collected, eyes and hair almost raven black.
Comparing then seemed so wrong but Spike couldn't help it. He'd only ever loved one woman and now here was this other whom he felt he was falling just as hard for. Plummeting off the edge of a cliff with no net below to save him, just the jagged rocks and pain to greet him when it all went wrong, like it had before.
And what he feared most was her falling with him. At first it had seemed she liked his company as he enjoyed hers but the other night in his apartment, the look in her eyes on more than one occasion, he saw desire there like he'd never seen anywhere. He knew that when he longed to kiss her she felt something too. Though he knew the reason he always pulled back, he wondered what hers was, not daring to ask of course in case she turned it around on him.
Now here he was, sitting alone on a park bench, the bright sun warming his pale skin, not used to the harsh rays. Night was Spike's time. Sitting in bars, walking home under the moonless sky, sleeping til the sun was at it's highest then getting cleaned up and starting again when the light went away.
He lived in a world of shadows and darkness, not just around him, but inside his very soul. For a long time he'd feared himself, afraid of what he was capable of. He stayed away from people, especially women, for months. Then he'd gained enough courage to go to the nearby club, sitting in a dark corner to drink himself into oblivion.
Time crept on without him, the world turned of it's own accord and left him behind. The Bronze became a habit, the bar stool and the vodka his trusted friends. The girls weren't real to him. Bedding them was not something he did, more than it was something that happened to him. They were keen, he was alone, just wanting to feel something, anything, other than the incredible pain.
Now things were so different that he barely recognised himself in the mirror. Sometimes he smiled, much more often than he used to. Thoughts of this new woman in his life made him feel warm in his heart, a place that had been locked by chains of ice for so long. She brought the sun back into his dark world, brought him back to life somehow and it was a miraculous thing to him.
"Hi" said the very same woman he'd been thinking of and again he found the smile slid back onto his face.
"Hello, luv" he greeted as she sat down on the bench beside him, and he noticed the several inches of space between them.
"I was right before, wasn't I?" he said bitterly, staring out across the water of the calm lake. He saw her shift uncomfortably just in the edge of his visual range, before she answered.
"About what?" she asked, looking in the same direction he was. He wasn't sure whether she knew what he meant and was just pretending to be naive or if she really had no clue.
"You're afraid of me" he said sadly, looking down at his hands now, "Dunno the reason but..."
"Spike" he stopped abruptly when she interrupted him, her hand landing on his knee. His eyes shifted to her fingers, travelled up her arm to her face until his gaze met hers, "I want to be close to you" she told him, and he swallowed hard as he listened, watching those expressive eyes of hers so intently, "I just, it's not you I'm afraid of, it's what I'm feeling that scares me..." her voice trailed away and he knew why. It seemed she felt the same way he did, shocked and amazed by the ability to feel so much for someone he'd known for so short a time.
"I understand" he said so quietly he was worried she couldn't hear him, "I feel like I've known you forever, like when I'm with you, nothing matters...except us" his eyes had shifted to the ground when he started but by the time he'd finished speaking their gazes were locked onto each other again. He couldn't elaborate on the things that didn't seem important anymore, he knew that would scare her far more than a few feelings of attraction ever could. For now, it didn't matter, all other thoughts slipped away as he realised the gap between them was closing. Her eyes fluttered closed as their lips were just about to meet and he knew it was now or never.
Very gently he pressed his lips to hers, one sweet kiss, and it almost killed him to pull away but he knew he had to be careful about this, had to take things one step at a time. Her eyes opened as he moved slightly away, leaving their foreheads resting together. She looked surprised that it was over so fast, but she smiled anyway.
"You're a very sweet man, Spike" she told him and the phrase was almost amusing to him. 'She wouldn't be saying that if she knew...' a nasty voice in the back of his head told him, like the voice of one he knew but wished he could forget. The voice was gone in a flash, it's sentence left hanging, sordid words unsaid, as her hand reached up behind his head and pulled his lips back to hers.
He didn't mind, he wanted her to be in control of this, he feared for what might happen if he let it be him. She wanted more from him, he gave into it, tongues doing battle in such a thrilling way. She tasted like the day felt. Like peppermint, and candy, and sunshine. It was a bittersweet feeling for Spike, knowing that one day the truth would be told and it would all be over, but right now he was embarking on a new beginning.
- - - - - - -
Buffy was beginning to wonder if her sanity was getting away from her. She knew she was seriously lacking in good sense when she found herself standing in front of her closet in nothing but her underwear fussing over what to wear for her 'date' with Spike. This was not how it was supposed to be. He was a case, a part of her job, less than a man more of a monster, at least that's what she knew she should believe, but deep inside her, Buffy knew she didn't hate this man, didn't even dislike him, she was falling in love so fast it made her head spin and she just didn't know how to shut it off.
Finally she selected a skirt and top to wear, somewhere between sexy and casual-dressy. Then came the problem of what to do with her hair. There wasn't really time to wash it, after getting stuck in a jam on the way home from the station, she had less time than she should have and not a moment spare for hair washing it she wanted to be in time to meet Spike, and she did want to be on time, she just wanted to see him so badly it almost physically hurt.
'I must be crazy' she sighed as she sat down at her vanity, took the band from her hair and brushed out her blonde locks. She was fairly happy with it and managed to keep her hand steady enough to apply a little make up, though unless she really concentrated her hand began to shake all of it's own accord and for the life of her Buffy couldn't tell whether it was nerves, excitement, or most likely a mixture of both that made her tremble.
Checking her watch she realised if she didn't leave now she would be really late and that was the last thing she wanted to do. A part of her knew what she was doing was literally suicidal but what she felt about Spike, the way they'd connected right from the start, the way he looked at her sometimes that just made her want to rip his clothes off and..hey where the hell did that come from?! Buffy nearly crashed her car as her mind wandered off all on it's own and left the rest of her to navigate traffic all by itself.
Suddenly, she noticed she was right by the park and, finding a place to leave her car, she checked her appearance in the mirror before getting out and walking toward the bench that she'd said she'd meet him at.
From a few feet away she could see him, bleached blond hair shining bright in the sun. He looked tense even from the back and Buffy so wished that things could be simpler between them.
"Hi" she said, smiling and trying to be as casual as she could be as she arrived beside him.
"Hello, luv" he smiled back and she felt light-headed, not sure whether it was standing there in the blaring sun or just because his eyes were on her. The effect he had seemed to be getting stronger the more she thought about him and especially the more she saw him. It was scary, but in this thrilling kind of way that she was becoming just a little bit addicted too.
Buffy sat down on the bench, making sure she put several inches of space between them. The closer she was to him the less control she would have and she needed to be in control right now.
"I was right before, wasn't I?" he said somewhat sadly, pulling her from her thoughts and worries.
"About what?" she asked, truly not understanding. He seemed to be avoiding looking at her as he explained.
"You're afraid of me" she felt sick when he said it, wondering vaguely if he knew... "Dunno the reason but..." she was so relieved about that she didn't wait for him to say anymore, she felt so bad for him.
"Spike" his name came out much more seriously than she meant it to and her hand landed on his knee through sheer will of it's own, at least Buffy believed it must have. She hadn't consciously decided to do that.
"I want to be close to you" she told him as their eyes met, nothing but truth falling from her lips right now "I just, it's not you I'm afraid of, it's what I'm feeling that scares me..." she trailed off, knowing she was likely to cry if she carried on, either that or let out every secret that she had.
"I understand" his voice was low and almost non-existent when he answered her, "I feel like I've known you forever, like when I'm with you, nothing matters...except us" she watched him intently as his eyes flitted down to the ground before coming back up to meet hers. Her heart thumped in her chest and they were so close, if he didn't kiss her now she was sure she'd burst. Any other man would've, there'd been enough opportunities, and she knew guys that thought it was perfectly acceptable to attempt to get you in the bedroom on a first date, but this man who was supposed to be violent and bad, he seemed so afraid of touching her.
With their lips mere millimetres apart, Buffy let her eyes close, silently willing him to lean in that final distance. It was like lightening when it happened, when his lips finally brushed against her own, and though it lasted just a moment and was possibly the most tame kiss she had ever experienced, it was also the most special.
It was over almost as soon as it had begun, but that didn't matter. She was making progress with him, and not for the police case that was so far from her mind right now, but for her. They were getting closer and she realised that was all she wanted.
"You're a very sweet man, Spike" she whispered as they sat there, foreheads still touching, smiling in wonder at how different this man was to what he was said to be. So gentle and seemingly so scared, as if he'd never kissed a woman before, though she knew he had, that and more.
The way he was now, so close and looking so innocent, Buffy just could not control how much she wanted him. Bringing her hand up behind his head, she urged his lips back onto hers. She wanted to know him, the real him, wanted to get close to him, taste him, just love him. He seemed willing enough to let her, seemed to relax after a few moments, til they were both lost in all that they felt.
Buffy's thoughts became less coherent by the second, but one thing shone through so strong in her mind that she couldn't ignore - this was the start of her downfall, the beginning of the end.
To Be Continued...
A/N2 : I know this went back to the old format, and was a little repetitive in some ways, but I really wanted to get both POVs of this scene in here. Anyone still reaidng this, liking it even? Review please and let me know! :-)
