A/N : Okay, here comes a big deal of a chapter, I don't want to give anything away, but, well, I guess I'll shut up and let you read it. Quick thanx to the latest reviewers; Anyanka0705, Mr Lennox I pressume, Amandamanda3, Elizance, GoldenAngl99, Happy. I love all your comments and that you take the time to tell me what you think :-) Now, here's the next chapter...
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 10

Spike was more than a little concerned when Buffy had called him. It was several hours since she'd left his apartment in somewhat of a hurry, and the sun was beginning to sink in the sky, turning the clouds orange as he made his way to her place. Last night had been one of the best of his existance, he'd felt dead inside for so long, and over-night Buffy had brought him back to life in the most beautiful way.

Unfortunately his happiness was tinged with something black and cold. For all the great feelings she evoked in him, there was always enough guilt and darkness to keep him for being completely content. Unless he told her the truth, he would never be free, but if his lies were revealed it could be the end, not just for their relationship but for his freedom, his life.

As he neared her front door he stopped, staring at the wooden surface and brass number's declaring the entrance to apartment twenty. He took a deep breath and raised his fist to knock only to retract it again and step away. Every time he had to face her he was afraid, scared that this would be the last time he'd see her smile, hear her say those words of love to him, feel her soft lips against his own. Too suddenly before, love had been snatched from his grasp, and he'd caused too much pain to be allowed to keep a hold on this new happiness too long.

Still, one thing he'd learnt from the suffering he'd endured was that life was not eternal as love was. Every man and woman had a limited time in this world and the most important thing next to survival had to be love. If the world stopped turning tomorrow, or if he should fall from the edge into the fires that raged below and beyond, what mattered was that Buffy knew how he felt about her. Words he'd said but not truly meant as he felt he would if he said them now. No matter what she'd called him here for today, whether it was with the passion of love or anger that she greeted him, before it was over he had to tell her the truth of what he felt for her, before it was too late.

- - - - - - -

Buffy was sure she would wear a groove in the carpet of her living room as she continued to pace up and down the length of it, but still she could not make herself stop. After her meeting with Angel and Riley, and the revelation that they were sending her into a future meeting with Spike wearing a wire, she'd been forced to sit at her desk and work as she always did. The problem was that writing reports and signing papers was made increasingly difficult when the only place her mind wanted to be was back amongst memories of last night.

In the beginning, her relationship with Spike was to be nothing more than a trick, a simple ruse to make him confess to a crime she was certain he'd committed. As she'd got to know him she had started to wonder how such a man could possibly be guilty of the charge laid against him and soon she'd found herself falling in love beyond her control. A couple of kisses, a couple of dates, all at once they were a couple and last night they'd sealed their love in the most perfect way.

Buffy hadn't intended for any of this to happen, but now that it had she was in a terrible quandary. The worry over what would happen when the truth of her job was revealed to Spike, and her relationship with him to her colleagues, had made Buffy feel physically ill to the point where she had actually been parted rather spectacularly from the contents of her stomach at one point.

It was Riley who had told her to go home and get some rest, but Buffy was sure that was more to do with him wanting her to be fit for the mission than actually caring about her health. He'd had a crush on her before, everybody knew, but now it seemed he was becoming obsessed with bringing William Blood to justice.

Buffy was almost certain that justice would be far from done if Spike went to jail, she simply could not believe he was capable of murder. Perhaps the love she felt affected her judgement, love was blind after all, perhaps it had taken away her usually clear vision of people, but right now she didn't care.

Her nausea returned right after she'd made the call to Spike, asking him to come to her apartment as soon as he could. It had taken every nerve she had to do that and now her boldness was abandoning her.

As a knock came on the door she tensed. She knew beyond it was such a contradiction of a man. Her lover, but supposed enemy too. So gentle and tender with her and yet told to be violent and murderous. With a deep breath she walked over and opened the door, finding that as soon as she saw him standing there all other feelings disappeared, leaving her only with love and terrible guilt.

"Spike" she exclaimed, wrapping her arms tight around him as soon as he'd entered the apartment. All she wanted to do was confess her sins and pray he forgave her, no longer concerned about her job or the possible danger she could be in.

"Well, I'm glad you're pleased to see me, pet" Spike smiled slightly as he pulled away from her. It was only when he put his thumbs to her cheeks and wiped away her tears, that Buffy actually realised she was crying.

"Spike" she choked out "there's something I have to tell you..." she began, unable to bear all this anymore. Unfortunately she was not allowed to finish.

"There's something I have to tell you too" he said, hands on her arms now "and usually I'm all about the chivalry and ladies going first and all that, but this time you have to let me start" he told he firmly.

"Okay" Buffy nodded, inside panicking as he seemed ready to confess to something. She prayed to God he was not about to shatter her fragile illusions that he could be innocent, that they could be happy together somehow.

"Buffy, luv" he sighed, pushing her hair out of her face gently "there's a lot we don't know about each other, and I'm not stupid, I know this has all happened fast" he told her "maybe too fast, but that doesn't change my feelings for you. I've been trying to figure out for so long exactly what you mean to me, and the bottom line is...well, I love you, Buffy" her heart almost broke at that, knowing how hard this must be for him and hating how difficult he was making things for her "I know I said it before but I'm so completely certain of it now, I just had to tell you again" he finished, and Buffy only cried harder "Hey now, I didn't mean to make you cry, I never meant to do that" he promised, pulling her back into his arms and holding her close, one hand rubbing her back.

Buffy sobbed, coughed, and spluttered, every word she'd planned to say leaking out of her mind as more salt water than she thought one person could possess fell from her eyes. Although she was crying because he'd made things so much more difficult for her, he'd also overwhelmed her with his beautiful words. He loved her more than anything and whilst in some ways it made things worse, it was a wonderful thing to be told and in part she was telling the truth when she pulled out of his arms slightly and looked into his bright blue eyes.

"It's okay, it's good tears" she told him, a hand on his cheek "Spike, I love you too, so much" she promised him faithfully, knowing that if she confessed to nothing else tonight, at least he would know how much he meant to her.

He dipped his head to kiss her then and every thought of her job, her co-workers, the meeting they were having to make the final decisions about the case, everything disappeared from her mind. The only two people in the world were her and Spike and the past and the future didn't matter anymore as they clung to each, tongues doing battle in a gloriously exhilarating way. His hands slid over her body and up inside her shirt, there was just no way to fight the tidal wave of emotions he evoked in her, no way Buffy wanted to let this end. Last night had been beautiful but had ultimately left her wanting more, she realised as she pushed his coat from his shoulders and backed him up towards the bedroom. Though both the last time and this were about love, now it was also about passion and wanting. She needed to prove what he meant to her, and longed for him to do the same.

They stopped moving when his back hit the wall by the bedroom door and Buffy pressed herself against him. She was starting to wonder if they would make it to the bed before their passion overtook them, but she didn't care enough to stop.

The phone ringing threatened to ruin everything but as Spike started to pull away she pulled him right back.

"The machine'll get it" she said breathlessly "Oh Spike, I want you"

"Want you too" he mumbled against her skin "love you so much"

As predicted the answering machine clicked and Buffy felt sick when a familiar voice filled the room that previously had been silent, save for the heavy breathing of it's occupants.

"Summers, it's Finn. The meeting just got out and it's been decided. You can't handle this so we fit you with the wire for your next meeting with Blood, get the confession that way" Spike recoiled in shock, as Buffy shook he head in disbelief and dread "One way or another, that scum is going down for what he did" was Finn's final words before the machine beeped and the message ended.

Buffy's mouth opened and closed of it's own accord as she tried to think of something, anything to say that might help. Spike looked even more stunned than she felt and so incredibly pained. Less than a minute ago they'd been almost as close as two humans could be and now there might as well be a ten mile ravine at their feet. If there was Buffy felt she'd be quite content to throw herself in, especially when Spike shoved her away and ran for the door.

- - - - - - -

Spike's mind was in over-drive, a nasty contrast to the light-headed wonder of losing himself in everything he felt for Buffy. Now he was running, so fast that the muscles in his legs burned at the sudden activity and his lungs couldn't cope with the oxygen requirement. Tears stained his face as he exited the building and shot down a back alley. He leaned back against a wall there, hiding from the light, from the world, as he had before.

As he tried in desperation to breathe more evenly, a million thoughts and fears spun through his already muddled brain. He loved Buffy, and she said she loved him, they were about to prove that love once again and suddenly...it was all a lie, a trick, an illusion. She was undercover, probably a cop, and she was out to get him. She'd betrayed him, made him feel things he shouldn't be allowed to feel anymore and it wasn't even real.

He laughed and cried all at the same time, screaming up to the heavens, begging that they tell him why. Why had he been cursed as he had, to carry on living when she was gone. His black goddess, his dark princess. Why when she passed over did they not let him go too. The fires of hell would be better than this, to live with the guilt, the pain, the anger and sadness that washed around inside him like acid, burning away anything good til he was just a shell of his former self, forced to live out his existence in a world painted black and grey.

Then came Buffy, and the light returned, like sun through clouds. Things had meaning again, the warmth of life and love returned to him. He was a human being, or more than that, he was a man in love, a man who was loved. Oh, how could he have been so stupid to believe a woman like her could love him as she convinced him she did? How could anyone love what he had become.

In floods of tears and full of sadness and rage, Spike sank to his knees on the filthy ground and recalled the last time he'd ever felt this wretched. A handful of pills and a bottle of vodka, a toast to his lost love and the pain was soon over, but not for eternity as it should have been. Meddling neighbours had seen to that, called an ambulance. Doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, a flurry of do-gooders that ultimately did him no good at all.

The sun was sinking fast and Spike felt as if it took his heart along with it. What was there to live for in a world where everything he got close to turned bad? Like the anti-Midas, turning gold to ashes with every touch, it seemed his last ditch attempt at misguided happiness only proved how impossible it would be.

From here on out he was doomed. If he avoided a sentence, he was certain losing Buffy would be the death of him, he was in too deep to live without her now, knowing that she never even truly cared for him, at least he'd had that much when he lost Dru. Now his beautiful love was his final hope. He could only pray that she forgave him as he began to run again, through the back alleys towards the building where he lived. He would not be stopping at the second floor tonight, he'd keep on pressing ahead until he stood on top of the world, where he'd happily throw himself out of this wretched plane of existence, and into the next.

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : What do you think to that then? Review, and let me know please :-)
Anyone who is now wishing they had some humour-fic to read, give me a few hours, I'm hoping have the next chapter of So Mote It Be ready for you later :-)