A/N : We've come back round to this story again in the great big merry-go-round of fic updates. Thanx for the latest reviews; Mr Lennox I pressume, Onion Petal, Amandamanda3, Anyanka0705, dina, msberry, Xtremely-Canadian, spikeswife1, Mariana, Elizance. It means a lot to me whenever I get a nice review, but this fic is so different to all the others I have written, it's extra good to knowing you're enjoying it :-)
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 11

It took a few moments for Buffy's mind to catch up with what was going on. All breath left her body as she replayed Riley's words in her mind. Spike knew. He knew the truth about who she was and what she was trying to do, only she wasn't trying anymore. She'd genuinely fallen in love with him and now...after hearing what he'd heard, Buffy was sure Spike thought it was all a lie.

Buffy was too shocked to cry or shout. She glanced up at the door that swung on it's hinges, clanging against the wall in what seemed like slow motion. Spike was gone, he'd run away from her because of what she was and because she'd lied to him. Was he afraid of her now, afraid to face up to the truth as she had been? Perhaps he really did have something to hide, but there was no way Buffy could believe it was cold-blooded murder as she'd been told.

With no thought in her head but finding her lover now, she pulled herself together and bolted for the door, determined to find Spike wherever he had gone, but where did she begin? As she barrelled down the stairs, she came to an abrupt halt on the other side of the main doors. There were several directions he could have taken, junctions and corners everywhere that he might have made a different decision at to her. In times of crisis where is the one place you would want to be, she asked herself as she spun around in the dark, hoping to catch sight of him or even a clue as to his whereabouts.

Eventually she realised his apartment might be a likely place. Though it was the most ridiculous place to go if you didn't want to be found, Buffy knew from past experience that when someone panics they do not always think rationally enough to consider that.

Tears streaked down her face as she ran down the street, feet pounding the pavement and lungs burning from the exertion of the activity. She was somewhat relieved when she saw his building come into view, though she had no idea where to begin when she finally caught up with him.

Two flights of stairs and she arrived outside his door. When she realised it had been left ajar she allowed herself to breathe and carefully pushed it open. She was surprised to find he wasn't there, but definite evidence that he had been just moments ago remained. The doors to the drinks cabinet were still swinging and an obvious space showed a bottle had been taken. Buffy looked around checking for other missing items, anything he might harm himself with for instance. She was grateful to see that the knife drawer in the kitchen was untouched and his car keys were still on the table by the window.

The light of the almost full moon shone in through the window, bathing the room in silver light, and Buffy wasn't sure if it made the room look romantic or more sinister. With a sob she allowed more tears to fall down her cheeks as she walked closer to the window and looked out.

"Where are you, Spike?" she cried, before a strange feeling of deja vu hit her. A memory sped back to the surface of her mind and she froze.

"Wow, you have a great view from here" she commented as casually as she could, trying to forget for a moment where she was, in the lion's den.

"Higher you go the better it looks" she heard his voice behind her, felt him standing close and she shivered involuntarily as she listened to him talk "Sometimes I sit out on the roof, at night when its quiet and still, you can't hear the traffic from up there, don't get the light from the streetlamps. It's just you and the night and the view..."

"Oh God" Buffy gasped in realisation, flying from the apartment. Ignoring the elevator, she barrelled up the stairs, taking them two at a time and running as fast as she could. She only hoped she made it before Spike did anything stupid.

- - - - - - - -

Spike was just coming past his apartment door when he decided he needed to make a stop before he headed for the roof. His nerve to take himself out of this mortal plain was wavering slightly and so he opted to take the bottle of Jack Daniels from the drinks cabinet in his apartment before continuing his journey to the roof.

He'd started swigging from the bottle before he'd even reached the limits of the building and he stumbled out through the door onto the roof, exhaustion both emotional and physical racking his body. The view was spectacular and he truly felt as if he were standing on top of the whole world, though inside he felt as if it were all falling apart.

Breathing unevenly he walked over and climbed up onto the low wall that stood on the edge of the roof. Below him was a sheer drop of fourteen floors onto solid concrete. There was little chance of anyone surviving a fall that big and Spike was glad. He sat down on the ledge, legs dangling into oblivion, best friend Jackie D at his side as he looked out at the view one more time.

What was there in this world to stick around for? It wasn't as if anyone was going to miss him, since the single one that he adored cared nothing for him at all. Drusilla had passed over, it was time he did the same, leave Buffy to plot against some other bloke, he thought as another mouthful of alcohol was swallowed and burned his throat.

Pulling himself to his feet once again, bottle gripped tight in his hand, Spike found a smile and declared a toast in the direction of the moon.

"Here's to you Buffy, for royally screwing up my world good and proper, and showing me what I should have known already...I've got no place in this world" he drank again before continuing with a second salute to the sky, "And here's to my darling Drusilla. I'm sorry my love, I hope when I get there you will forgive me my sins" he said as a tear ran down his cheek and he prepared to leap from his perch.

"Spike!" a voice behind him made him stumble, unfortunately scuppering his plans by propelling him backwards and onto the roof instead of off it. When he landed there in a heap the contents of his bottle spilling onto the ground beside him, he could find nothing left in him but an echoing painful laugh.

- - - - - - - -

"Spike!" Buffy yelled as she arrived on the roof, immediately regretting startling him as he stumbled and fell from his precarious position. She was so relieved to see him fall back towards her and not off the ledge as she'd feared. Immediately she ran to his side.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry you found out that way..." she was telling him as she ran to his side, somewhat surprised to find him not crying as she'd suspected, but laughing.

She crouched on the floor beside him, and noted the bottle in his hand. The laughter made more sense then. She reached out a hand to touch him, but he jerked away violently, backing up against the low wall he'd been standing on moments ago, his laughter dissipating immediately.

"I used to think that I could never be happy again" he said, eyes staring at something that wasn't there "used to think maybe I didn't deserve to be...after what I did"

Buffy was shaking with fear and panic as she desperately fought to speak.

"Spike, you didn't do anything" she told him as tears cascaded down her cheeks "you couldn't"

His eyes snapped up to look into hers and she was so disturbed by all the pain and anguish she saw there. She'd caused some if not all of that, and now she had to fix it, if only there was a way.

"You don't know me" he said coldly, finishing off the liquid from the bottle in his hand.

"How can you say that?" Buffy choked out, "How can you sit there and...?" she just didn't know where to begin, but fought to find words to make him see what he meant to her, despite the lies she'd told "I love you" she said firmly, making him look at her strangely "I never meant to, I was supposed to hate you, I was supposed to believe you were something bad but I can't" she moved a little closer to him, "not once I saw the real you"

"You never met the real me" he said sadly, staring off in the other direction again, "He died when she did"

Buffy hated that he couldn't even bring himself to look at her, and she hated that she'd caused him to get into such a state. She may not believe the terrible things she heard about Spike, but it seemed as if he did. If that were true, wouldn't it mean all she'd been told was correct? That he really had murdered his girlfriend?

"Tell me what really happened to Drusilla" she said, calmly as she could. She was running the risk of hearing a confession she didn't want, but she had to know for sure.

His head turned then and his bright blue eyes locked back onto hers. With a calm even tone he answered her.

"I killed her"

Buffy's head spun as she realised the implications of what he'd said. Not only was he admitting to murder, making him guilty of the crime he was rumoured to have committed, but also it meant that if she'd been sent in to meet him wearing that wire any sooner, that would have been the end for them, as soon as those three words left his mouth. Still she couldn't accept it was so simple.

"I don't believe that Spike" she told him just as firmly "I can't. You loved her, you couldn't do that to her, I don't believe you could do that to anybody. You don't have it in you" she said with as shake of her head, desperate to not cry anymore, but finding it impossible to stop as Spike clambered to his feet, wobbling all the way.

"You reckon?" he asked with a tilt of his head "You think you could? Take a life?" he continued, not truly wanting an answer "To save yours? To save me? To save your precious job?" he spat nastily and Buffy swallowed hard.

"This isn't about me" she told him and he shook his head.

"Oh, but it is, pet" he said with an almost manic smile, "Everything is about you, has been since you walked into the club that first night and I saw you"

With an almighty smash he threw the bottle to the ground and Buffy jumped to her feet for fear of the shards of glass hitting her "God, you had me fooled, just like you were s'posed to" Spike laughed like he were insane and Buffy only cried harder.

"I'm sorry" she yelled over his noise "I know it's not enough, but it's the truth" she begged him to understand but there seemed to be no way to get through to him, though his laughter died again as it had before.

"It's never enough" he said, tears in his eyes now "not for you, not for me, not for her..." he looked up at the star studded sky as he climbed back up onto the wall and Buffy panicked.

"Spike, please come away from the edge" she pleased with him, unsure whether she should move closer to him or back away "You're scaring me" she told him desperately and when he turned his head to look at her tears were rolling down his face too.

"You don't know what scared is, luv" he said gruffly "Not really. What it's like to be afraid for your freedom, for your sanity, for your life"

When he turned back to look out at the view, Buffy took a few tentative steps forward, hoping if she could just make it to the edge, she might be able to grab him, and pull him back out of danger. "I sometimes wonder if she was afraid, or did she welcome it" he continued softly as she reached him "the freedom, the light...maybe I should have followed her then"

"Spike, no" Buffy told him, knowing all too well what he meant. He just shook his head once again.

"It doesn't matter anymore" he cried "It never did. No-one needs me here...not even you"

"I do need you!" she told him frantically, praying that she might get through to him if she just kept talking "I don't know how it happened but I do need you. I love you"

"Even if I'm a murderer?" he asked her with a look that she was certain was meant to scare her, but it didn't.

"You're not, Spike" she told him, reaching out a hand to his arm, glad when he didn't push her away "I won't believe it, I can't"

"You did before" he said sadly, looking down at her "You must've"

"I didn't know you then!" she told him, hand gripping onto his wrist for dear life "I do now. After all that's happened, after what we did..." she realised she was quite angry as well as upset at the implication, as she yelled "You really think I could do that for a job?! You really think I could...give myself to you and not love you?!" she cried, tears almost blinding her to the point where she couldn't see his face. As her vision cleared slightly he looked down at her with some sort of understanding, or so she thought. Had she finally said enough, the right thing to make him see her love for him was real.

"I don't know" he croaked, looking down at the drop and then back at her. He shook his head, stepping down from the edge and causing Buffy to sigh with relief.

"I don't know anything anymore..." he told her sadly "except that I loved you, God how I loved you" he took a step towards her and her fingers slipped down from his wrist til her hand was holding his "I never thought I'd be able to feel like that again, but you..." he said so softly, the fingers of his other hand reaching out to her face but not quite making contact. Like someone flicked a switch, Buffy watched his face harden and his hands slipped away from her "What did you do to me?!" he yelled angrily, turning away from her and running his hands back through his hair.

"I'm sorry" Buffy told him, crying hard still. She was running out of ideas of what to say or do.

"No use in being sorry, luv" he said sadly, "it doesn't do any good"

She wanted to hold him so badly and promise him they could make it all right again, but she wasn't even sure if it were true. She loved him, she knew that for sure, but could she promise she would if the accusations against him were proven to be true? He'd said it, just moments ago, admitted that he killed Drusilla, but it couldn't be that simple. Neither could his loving her before but not now.

"You said you loved me" she reminded him, and he turned to look at her sideways "You don't anymore?" she asked, afraid of either answer. She watched him walk back over to the edge, and look down at the sheer drop.

"Even if you can't love me now" she called desperately behind him "please don't leave me. Not when I've just realised how much I need you, how much I really love you" she didn't think it were possible for her to cry anymore but she just could not stop. Tears upon tears that fell like torrential rain from her eyes, the pain inside of her, gut-wrenching guilt tearing her to shreds.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take" Spike's hands gripped the bricks he'd stood on moments before as he listened to her sob and cry.

"I want to help, Spike, please" Buffy cautiously covered the ground between them. she had very little left to lose, she had to at least try to fix this "I've done a terrible thing, I know that" she told him, still sniffing as she put a hand on his back "but now we have to prove that you haven't"

"But it's my fault" he mumbled, head still down "mine, and his, but I can't..." he was openly crying like a child by now and Buffy wanted to comfort him, but something he'd just said caught her attention.

"His? His, who?" she asked him "Spike, who are you talking about now"

He coughed and choked on what he meant to say, trying to be calm. All the emotion of the past year and a half had come flooding out, aided by alcohol and driving him to breaking point, but when he looked over at Buffy, there was something there in his eyes that she recognised. Genuine fear shone through with the pain, and she knew he was telling her something he probably never told anyone before.

"The devil with the angel's face, she called him" he said, voice shaking as his body did the same "O'Connor"

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : Slightly surprised? Or did we all see that coming? Let me know what you think by reveiwing as always! Thanx :-)