A/N : Seems I surprised a few people with the last line of the previous chapter then, huh? Yes, Angel is a bad guy, but just how bad is as yet unclear...all will be revealed in good time, and in the meantime, I want to thank; Onion Petal, spikezbaybeegurl, Amandamanda3, Elizance, Mr Lennox I pressume, Cosmo, Xtremely-Canadian, CraZy4SpikE09, spikeswife1, Ahna the Bloody, for all the great reviews. Here;s the next part...
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)
Chapter 12
"The devil with the angel's face, she called him...O'Connor" Spike regretted the words as soon as he'd said them. He'd promised himself that he'd never speak of all this to anyone, but then he'd been making a habit of breaking those promises he'd made to himself just a few months ago. Never to let another woman get close to him, never to let himself fall in love, never to allow himself a moment when his guilt was not the main feeling in his heart and mind.
He closed his eyes and wished the world away. Wished he were anywhere but here with Buffy at his side, still clutching his hand and looking so pale, scared and strangely shocked. Wished he'd managed to throw himself off this damn building before she had caught up with him.
"Angel" he heard her say quietly, almost to herself. When she continued more loudly and he knew she was speaking to him, he made an effort to look at her.
"Liam O'Connor?" she checked, "Is that who you're talking about, Spike?"
He didn't have it in him to lie anymore and he nodded his head in answer to her question. There was nothing left for him to lose now. He'd already risked his heart, his mind, and his very life tonight. There was nothing that could make this moment any worse.
- - - - - - - -
To say she was in shock would possibly be the biggest understatement of the century she thought to herself as she tried to form some kind of sentence she could say to Spike. He looked so drained, emotionally and physically. The alcohol doubled up with the stress and anxiety had all taken it's toll. The cold of the night made them both shiver, though their situation was not helping either.
How could Angel be a part of all this? He was the one behind the whole operation to bring Spike down for Drusilla's murder. Buffy mentally slapped herself as she realised what an idiot she was. Of course he wanted Spike to be proven guilty if he was behind the crime, still it didn't make any sense. If Spike was innocent why would he ever make a confession of murder, and yet that is what he'd done, just moments ago.
"Spike, listen to me" she said as calmly as she could, his eyes were closed again and he faced away from her, "Listen to me, please" she begged of him, putting a hand to his face. He looked at her then, blue eyes shining with tears that he fought against. She realised then she was looking at a broken man, his whole world was in pieces and she played a part in that. For that she would be eternally sorry, but for the part that Angel played she swore to herself he would suffer.
"We're going to go back down to your apartment" she told him gently, "I'm going to help you and we're going to figure all this out, I promise" she felt like she was talking to a child in some ways, putting it all into simple words and with a kind tone. Still he looked unsure, but she was glad he wasn't pulling away from her touch at least.
A few moments more and he took a deep breath before he spoke to her.
"Why do you love me?" he asked her, voice hoarse from yelling and crying, "You know what I am. How can you?"
Buffy was stunned by the question and very unsure as to how she should answer. How could she even begin to explain how and why she loved Spike as she did? Still, she smiled slightly, so glad that at least he believed her love for him was real.
"Where do I start?" she sighed, "I love you because I never met anyone like you" she began "Because every time you look at me I feel dizzy and get goosebumps, and when you touch me I feel like a goddess. I love you because you're kind and gentle, and somehow you make me feel so wanted without making me feel pressured. I love your smile, and the way you kiss me, and the way you made love to me last night..." her voice disappeared, drowned out by emotion as she moved closer to him and wiped tears from his face with her fingers, "Do you think somehow" she said in a whisper near his ear, "when all this is over, you could still love me?"
- - - - - - - -
Spike could feel Buffy shaking as she leaned in close to him and asked if there was any way he might still love her. Though he knew it made him an idiot, his feelings for her were as strong as ever, perhaps stronger when he realised that despite all she knew he'd done, she still loved him. That had to mean something, and he was fairly certain that even the best of actresses couldn't fake all this. Tears could be shed for show, words could be easily ad-libbed to suit the occasion, but no-one's eyes could lie for them. Such fear he saw in those hazel orbs when she thought he might end his life, such panic when he'd said O'Connor's name and now genuine love, the like of which he hadn't seen in so long, and even then only ever from one other.
"Buffy" he whispered, emotion cracking his voice, "I never knew I could love anyone the way I love you" he told her, "and even if I wanted to stop, I don't think I ever could"
She managed a weak smile at that but he couldn't return it, not after all this, he didn't have it in him. Without a word she helped him to his feet and they headed for the door that led back down the stairs to his apartment. His head was full of jumbled thoughts and memories, a million facts, names, dates, all of which she was going to want him to confirm or deny, all of which he'd concealed for so long. Still, if he had to trust anybody, it had to be her. No-one was like Buffy, no-one in the world was...
"Buffy" he said her name and she turned to look at him just as they arrived at his front door, and he frowned, "Is that your real name?" he asked. He'd just suddenly realised that it probably wasn't, after all she was undercover.
"Yes" she told him with a nod, "or it used to be...my real name is Elizabeth Summers" she explained, "These days most people call me Lizzy but my family and my close friends still use Buffy. My Mom started calling me Bethie when I was a little kid but I couldn't say that. I used to call myself Buffy and it kinda stuck" she grinned in spite of herself at the innocent childhood memory and was pleased to see he managed a slight smile too.
"Buffy Summers" he said softly, his fingers passing gently over her hair as they stood there by the door, "It suits you better" he decided and she nodded once, before turning to open the door that had been left swinging as she'd run after him before.
They went inside and she got him to sit down at the table whilst she went through to the kitchen to make some coffee.
- - - - - - - -
Buffy was scared she'd drop the mugs as she tried to make coffee for herself and Spike. She was shaking so badly and there didn't seem to be a way to make herself stop. A simple enough case, that's what she'd thought when she'd first been assigned to the Blood investigation. Now things were so different.
The story was that late one night Drusilla Walker had decided to shoot herself in the head, after several months of strange behaviour and depression. The verdict was suicide, at least for while, but the case had been re-opened when a witness said they saw a man go into the apartment where Drusilla's body was found. Unfortunately the witness was an elderly lady with some memory issues and was not entirely sure of what she'd seen and heard that night.
The gun had been checked again for fingerprints and DNA, and William Blood's name came up at this point. Shortly after Miss Walkers death, Blood had disappeared from town then re-surfaced again, complete with regular appointments at a local psychiatrists office. Research was done, and it started to become clear the best way to handle this case was to take the undercover route, get him to confess without really even knowing he'd done it, or have the woman who took the job find some kind of further evidence.
Elizabeth Summers was quick to accept when offered the chance to be undercover-girl. She was desperate to prove she could handle a case such as this and Angel was quick to give her anything she asked for. She was a definite favourite of his though she'd never given him any reason to like her so much.
Buffy had thought it would all be fairly routine. If this guy was as guilty as Angel and Riley told her he was, and he'd been seeing a shrink about his problems, it probably wouldn't take much to get him to crack. What Buffy never banked on was that she'd fall in love with the man she was supposed to send to jail. Now she was in his apartment, after having stopped him from throwing himself off a high-rise, making coffee with shaking hands and moments away from hearing a completely new version of the events she felt she'd learnt by heart.
Somehow Liam O'Connor was involved, and that shocked her to start with. Surely he wouldn't be so stupid as to think Spike would admit to a murder that he committed, but then these things were never so simple, she knew that.
- - - - - - - -
"Here" said Buffy as she came back into the room where Spike waited, and put a mug of hot coffee in front of him on the table. He mumbled his thanks and sipped at the steaming liquid, glad to ease his dry throat and warm up his body.
Buffy sat down opposite him and he closed his eyes, expelling a weary breath as he realised this was it. He had to tell her the whole story, something he'd never repeated in any kind of detail, not even to the doctor he'd seen for weeks following that dreadful day.
"Spike?" she said uncertainly, reaching a hand across the table to cover his, but he flinched away. He didn't deserve to have her touching him, not like this, not in this moment. She may have tricked him, he realised, and that was wrong, but she'd done it for the greater good, to make him pay as he should've before.
"I don't know where to start" he said softly, opening his eyes to look at her, and Buffy looked back with sympathy written on her face.
"How about you and Drusilla, how you met maybe?" she suggested, "Or if that's too painful..."
"No" he interrupted, "I'd rather talk about that than..." he couldn't even bring himself to say 'her death', he hated to even think about it.
He started to smile as he thought back to how good life had been, back in the beginning. Drusilla had changed his life when he'd first met her and he supposed he'd changed hers too. He sometimes wondered if they might both have been better off if they'd never met, but he wouldn't trade the memories he had of their time together for anything else in the world. She was the first woman he had truly loved, and the first to love him in return. Now here he was sitting opposite the second, the only other woman he'd ever felt this strongly for, about to spill out every detail of his 'past life' as it were, since he couldn't even see himself as the same person anymore.
"Spike?" he heard Buffy prompt him again and he took a deep breath before he began.
To Be Continued...
A/N2 : I know it's kind of a cliffhanger but I want to start a whole new chapter for the trip into Spike and Dru's past, hope you don't mind. As always, reviews will be very apreciated :-)
For those who are also reading Your Big Day, I have updated that today too!
