Nine o' clock, nighttime. Everyone in the Lodging House is all worked up and uneasy. I kept pacing back and forth, worried sick and blaming myself for not doing anything. How could I be so insensitive? If I could turn back time, (Well, now that's a funny sentence) I would let myself be caught instead of Crutchy. I wish I could've done something…
"Hey, are you alright?" I heard Gail's voice spoke behind my back. I turned around and put on a smile on my face.
"Umm, yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me."
Gail looked at me, her baby-blue eyes eyeing me suspiciously. Then, she sighed, then suddenly blurted out-
"IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO, OTHER THAN WORRY LIKE NEUROTIC GRANDMAS?"
The boys, who were restless as we were, sitting in different corners of the lobby, stared at her blankly. I know they feel same way like we do, except they probably feel worse than I do. After all, they're Crutchy's only comrades in this world. All of them. They're almost brothers, since most of them don't have a family. I felt even worse when this thought entered my mind. I feel so useless, like I'm not worth anything. I should at least do something. Not just for Crutchy, but for everyone.
"Gail, da only t'ing you goils can do is wait." A voice spoke. It came from the top of the stairs. Then, slowly, the person who spoke descended the stairway. It was Jack.
"Okay, is there any other options, bro? I'm not really the 'waiting' kinda girl." Said Gail, sounding strangely mature than usual.
"No. Just stay heah. I'll take care of dis." Jack said. Although that was short, I felt intimidated by Jack. Is it his charisma or just the fact that I like him that's getting into me? He just sounded so…manly.
…oh, just snap out of it! This is really not the time for thoughts like that. Maybe I could force him if I could go with him? If I want to do something for everyone, I'd better start now.
"Jack, may I go with you? Maybe I can help."
Jack, who was putting his favorite cowboy hat on his head, turned at me and said…
"No."
Of course, that'll be his initial response. Still, I had to persuade him.
"Jack, please. Can't I go? I feel so responsible for what happened to Crutchy. I should've let myself be caught instead of him. I'd kill myself if anything bad happened to him."
For more than a minute, Jack gaped at me, his eyes widened with disbelief. But he soon retained his composure and responded.
"Haylie, dere's no reason for ya ta feel responsible for what happened. Nor kill yerself fer dat matta. It's not yer fault. It's not anyone's fault. None of us liked what happened. An' we'se all feel da same as youse. Like I said befoah, da only t'ing you can do is wait. I'll get 'im outta dere in no time."
After he spoke, Jack smiled and winked at me. He bid farewell to us, going to Davey's house to fetch him, then they'll both make their way into The Refuge. Jack was imprisoned there before, but he got out. And now, he'll get Crutchy out. His words sounded reassuring enough. I just hope he brings Crutchy back safe and sound. Hallie entered the Lodging House, her face also marked with worry and uneasiness. She just came back from Davey's house. She, too, is worried about Crutchy. But she had to put on a positive outlook, right? So do I.
"They'll get him out, guys. I know they will." Hallie said to us. I hope so…
Midnight. I woke to the sound of a door opening downstairs in the lobby. I wasn't sleeping, actually; I was wide awake. Knowing whom it was, I jumped out of bed immediately. But it seems I'm not the only ones who couldn't sleep. Most of the people inside the bunkroom were awake the whole time. We made our way to the staircase to see Jack with Crutchy, safe and sound.
"See, told ya Jack's gonna get 'im out of dat Refuge place!" one of the newsies said to another.
"Of course, he will! He got out from dat place befoah, right? It's no problem for 'im ta get Crutchy out!" Mush said proudly.
"Jack, I know you-"
"…hey, where's Crutchy?"
"I don't understand! You said you'd get 'im out."
Jack returned to the Lodging House without Crutchy. Why he wasn't with him, Jack explained the whole thing to us. Crutchy himself said that he refused to leave The Refuge. Jack offered to carry him on his back, but Crutchy doesn't want anyone carrying him. But I wonder why Crutchy won't leave the place. I think the reason he can't walk is not what's really about. I think it's something else.
"So, dere. If any of you bums don't wanna believe me, den go to da Refuge and ask 'im yerself." Jack said, upset. He walked away from the room and ascended the stairs. We followed him up. The others went back to their bunks to sleep, while I went to the rooftop. There, Jack was sitting at the ledge, thinking to himself.
"So, Crutchy refused to leave, huh?"
Jack emerged from his deep thinking. He opened his lips, but no sound came out. As I look at him, it seems that he's thinking of something to say.
"Jack, you can say anything, you know. Or are you afraid of that thing called 'talking'?" I said, smiling. He frowned at me.
"Talk is for wimps." Oh, yeah. It's that being all 'macho' and saying 'talk is for wimps'.
"Oh, come on. I'm not going to eat you alive or anything. Don't you wanna talk?"
"Dere's nuddin' ta tawk about."
"Oh, really?"
For a silent moment, we looked at each other eye-to-eye. Actually, this is the first time I had any serious eye contact with Jack. That even went on longer. Complete silence. Just a straight eye contact. His eyes to my eyes. Those brown eyes looking straight at mine. I feel a strange feeling. Magnetic, those eyes were. As if those brown orbs are delving into my very soul. As if I'm invulnerable and helpless when that stare penetrates me. And as I remember…it's only Frank who makes me feel this way.
"Haylie, what's wrong?"
The eye contact was broken. It's then I realized that my eyes are flooded with tears but did not spill any.
"Oh, umm, it's…it's nothing."
It's that memory again. Forgetting someone you loved in the past is the most difficult thing to do. It always, always comes and haunts you all over again. And that main reason I can't forget him is this person in front of me.
"Maybe we really need ta tawk."
"But, you just said there's nothing to talk about."
"I was kiddin'."
For maybe almost an hour we talked in the rooftop. I asked him about his past and how he got out of the Refuge. He didn't say much about his past, but I was surprised about what he told me about his great escape from the Refuge. The one I heard before was the abridged version. It seems there's more to that of his heroic escape.
"When I got sent up, me an' dis kid, like Les, but younger, we busted out. Teddy Roosevelt was Police Commissioner den. He was goin' around..."
Jack paused for a moment to remember what happened. A pained expression can be traced around his face.
"... inspectin' prisons. Snyder had us all lined up in da courtyard like good little soldiers. Me an' da kid sneaked onto da roof of Roosevelt's carriage..."
Jack paused again. I can see that telling me this is quite hard. If I was one of the boys, I'm sure he wouldn't be so emotional while telling me this.
"... an' rode on out. When we cleared da gates we stood up an' waved ta Snyder. He went crazy. Da kids was cheering us. Roosevelt thought dey was cheerin' for him."
Jack smiled, thinking about the past. Then, he continued his story.
"Da reporters loved it…made all da papes."
I was curious about the kid. So that's why Jack's very fond of Les. He reminded Jack of that little kid.
"What happened to him?"
I saw this question gave a hard hit on Jack as I see him struggling with the story. I think it's painful for him to remember all those and tell me.
"He died... about a year later. Snyder spotted us on da street one day, started chasin' us. I hopped a wagon. I pulled him up next to me. The kid ... we was laughin', even ... he
slipped and got caught in da spokes of da wheel. I seen it happen a dozen times. Snyder got into trouble all over again."
I watched him as he continued to struggle with the story.
"He was a good kid. We sold a lot of papes. I was just teachin' him to read the headlines."
I can't be more sorry for him. It seems that I'm not the only with a past trying to be forgotten.
"So, that's why sometimes I hear you moaning in your sleep." I said, looking at him with pity. Jack looked at me sharply.
"What's it to you?"
"Nothing. You dream about that, don't you?"
Jack went silent. He lowered his head and starts to think to himself again.
"You know, I know how you feel."
"Huh?"
"I do. I wanted to forget it, but I just can't. It keeps coming back to haunt me."
I told him my story. Yes, about Frank. But, I didn't tell him about their resemblance. That would freak him out. I told him how we met…and how we parted.
"I met him when I was seven. I didn't know anyone back then. I just moved there from Japan. Then, he saw me in the swing, all alone. Then, he talked to me."
Jack was listening to me attentively as I share my most fondest memories of Frank. It's harder to tell him this because every time I look at him, I see Frank. It's painful to tell.
"He was a lot like you, you know. Good-looking, reckless, but a good leader…and also a good liar."
We both laughed, even though that was true.
"Hey, I'm not a liar!"
" Oh, see! Look at that. You're already lying."
"But, yer right about da good-lookin' part."
"Pshh!"
I continued my story. I told him about our Christmas where we first gave gifts to each other.
"I gave him a cowboy hat and pair of pistols. I don't know why, but he always loved dressing up like a cowboy and acting like one. Kinda like you."
"Heh, it seems dis Frank guy has a lot in common wid me, eh?"
"Yeah, a lot." And a lot more than you think. I told him that how he would always protect me. He even got beaten up because of me.
"He was like my big brother I never had, you know. And I always saw him as one. But, one day, for some reason, it changed. I started to feel different around him. It's then I only realized I fell in love with him when I asked my mother about it."
"But, you were only eight years old back then, right?"
"Yeah, I know. A really, really early age to fall in love. At first, I thought it was only puppy love. But, as time goes by, my feelings for him became stronger that it's not called puppy love anymore."
"So, did'ja tell him how you felt?"
"Almost. Two years later, I was ten years old back then, I made a decision. I decided to tell him how I really feel about him. That I don't see him as my big brother anymore."
It's becoming more difficult to tell him this. His eyes are looking straight at me again. I looked away to escape remembering about Frank's face on the day he died.
"I went up to his room like I usually do. Knocked on the door, no answer, so I opened it instead. I saw a figure, lying motionless on the floor, a look of sadness and despair on his face, not breathing…"
That memory played on my mind like a videotape. I can still remember how his mother cried, how his father disbelieved on what happened to his son, how his friends cried…and how I cried, regretting the fact I didn't tell him earlier.
"He died?"
"Yeah."
"How?"
"I don't know. I spent six hours on the internet trying find to find cases of a twelve-year old boy's heart just stopped breathing. Until now, we never came with any answer how he died. Even the autopsy can't answer it. And, to top all that, his parents just mysteriously disappeared without a trace."
I can see Jack's eyes looking at me. I can see pity in them. I pitied him too for what happened to him back in the past.
"I never even had the chance to tell my real feelings. If I could just…have one chance…one chance…I'll tell him."
"You really loved him, din'cha?"
"Yeah."
I put myself to silence for a moment. I stoppedto look at the stars above.
"They're beautiful, aren't they?"
Jack smiled and looked up to the night sky.
"Yeah."
"Frank and I used to count how many of them are there." I told him, smiling. Jack smiled again, then sighed. He prodded me on the shoulder.
"What?"
"Would'ja like ta count dem now?"
I was startled. I stared at him for a long time. Then, I thought he might be trying to cheer me up and just let go of the pain. I smiled back at him and said "Okay."
"Good. C'mon, let's start."
It was already past two in the morning. I was starting to feel extremely sleepy. I let out a long yawn and stretched my arms.
"Sleepy already?"
"Uh-huh." I nodded.
"Okay, we stopped at 10,467. Still milliondy billions ta go!"
I laughed a bit. The sleepiness is really getting into me.
"Come on, let's go to sleep. It's almost morning."
"Haylie, it IS morning."
"Oh. Yeah. Well, we still got to sleep, you know. Come on."
I walked towards the door lethargically. Suddenly, Jack swung his arm around my neck, startling me. At least that shook some sleep out of me.
"Ow! Hey! "That hurt!"
"Ooh, sorry, lil' sis!" He said mischievously. What did he just call me? Lil' sis?
"Huh?"
"Oh, by da way, you can call me yer big brother now." Jack said, smiling widely.
"Why?"
"Well, you said I reminded youse of yer little Franky-boy. So, because he's gone, I'll be yer big brother instead!"
Okay, I really don't know what to think of that. Should I be glad or should I feel insulted?
"I didn't say you reminded me of him. I said you were kind of like him."
"What's da difference? C'mon, let's go inside."
He dragged me inside the bunkroom with his arm around me. To tell you the truth, I kinda like it this way. I do like him, you know. But it's just an admiration. Nothing more than that.
"Haylie, I just one question." Jack said, his arm still around my neck.
"What's that?" Okay, what now? I wonder what is he going to ask? If it's about Frank, then I won't give him a straight answer.
"What's an internet?"
Oh. I mentioned 'internet' before without explaining about it. But I'm not really in the mood for an explanation. All I need is sleep.
"I'll tell you tomorrow."
"Okay. I'm countin' on dat. G'night, lil' sis!" Jack said, letting go of me. I smiled at him.
"Goodnight, big brother."
I lied on my bunk and closed my eyes. I have a new big brother. And you know what? He's just like you, Frank.
