Author's Note: Well… here it is. I wasn't going to do it and I fought it… but I just had to do it. It sounded like a nice challenge. I was a little disappointed in that I wanted it to be just like the last chapter, but that didn't happen. This one has more dialogue. But I still liked it; I think it works.

But here it is. This time it's in Sam's POV.

Summary: So… do I believe it? That He planned this… Not for me to be here, in the Colonel's arms. Plan to be looking in his eyes. So many times I've looked… but not like this… not this way…


Not This Way

There are days… the bad days… when I wish I had said no. When I wish that I had just sat in my office and stayed there. Just keep picking apart what little we knew about the stargate.

Oh, I know that after the first teams went through I would have been moved to something like NID. Or maybe Area 51 if I hadn't been put on SG-1.

But maybe that would have been better.

There are days… good and bad… that I look across the street at any passing person, the woman walking her dog in the street, the children playing in the park, the old men who meet every Thursday in the park to play chess… I look at them and I am jealous…

I want to be the ignorant person I once was. There are days that I really just don't want to know what's out there. I just don't want to know about the parasitical creates that kill and enslave humans… I don't want to know about the hundreds and thousands dying from this thing and that… I don't want to know how many times Earth was almost destroyed… I don't want to know what it feels like to almost die… to die…

I look at these people and think, 'how lucky they are'.

Then… on really bad days… on days like this… there's always something. Someone will always manage to say something to me or around me that just makes me… makes me want to turn around and slap something in their face…

I just want to be able to yell to the entire world- not that the majority of the population would understand because they don't speak English- 'Hey! There are aliens out there! And they're real, and they're coming. They've already attacked! You just don't know!'

Other times… no, it was once when I was talking to Mark… his wife said something… she made some crack about 'Deep Space Radar Telemetry' wasn't real "space work"- her brother is an astronaut or something. Works with NASA.

Oh, it's moments like that that I just want to say, 'Really? And what's "real space work"? Punching numbers for a shuttle that's not going to fly again? That will orbit a few times and, if you're real lucky, you can stay on a space station for a few months so you can come down and break a bone? Sounds like fun!'

Those are the times I want to be able to say what I've done. What I've risked… what I've lost…

What I've lost… I've lost a lot… haven't gained too much either…

I gained friends… and then I lost them…

…I lost them…

"Hey, Sammie?"

Oh, didn't even hear him open the door. "Huh?"

"You okay?"

What? Am I a walking billboard? Do I have big, neon letters stamped on my forehead saying, 'Having a bad day. Maybe you should ask stupid questions and make it all better'.

Oh… that look. The 'I don't believe you, but I'll pretend that I do even though I so know you know that' look. I hate that look. I'm not a fragile woman.

He's walking on eggshells.

Maybe just nodding isn't going to help. He might want reassurances that I actually have a voice…

"I'm fine, Pete. Really."

"Okay. If you're sure."

Nodding again… whatever… he's going back inside…

"Oh, um," okay, so he's back, "You want anything? Something to drink or something?"

Now you're shaking your head. "No thanks." There's the voice… knew it was in there somewhere.

"Alright."

He's really in this time… okay…

I don't know... the thing is … is that when the Colonel and I were captured, I spent so little time thinking about him. I thought about him, sure...

I thought about what they would say… would they tell him anything? Well, of course they would since he knows about it all… They'd have him on record and all… I guess they would tell him…

But, thinking about it now, my mind always seemed to wander back to one thing: Colonel O'Neil. Not Pete, not dad or Mark… but the Colonel.

"Um, Sammie?" I don't know why he always calls me that. That's my dad's name for me. I never really said he could use it.

"Hmm?"

"I was thinking beer and steaks tonight. Sound good?"

I just give a small smile. It's forced, but I don't think he noticed. No, he doesn't seem to have.

Oh, I'm nodding again. Got the physical action going, good job. Now move the mouth, stretch the vocal cords… whatever, he seems to be taking that as an answer… I hope he asked a question. Yeah, wait, what did he say?

Whatever…

Maybe I should be trying harder with Pete. I mean, he's been so good these past days. Came up just to be with me. It's sweet and I really appreciate it…

It's just… just that… I don't know, I kind of want to be alone. Or… he wants me to talk to him about it. I just don't want to.

Besides, how could he understand? He wasn't there. He's never gone through something like that. He's a cop, yeah. He's seen stuff… but not what I've seen…

Sometimes it's even hard convincing yourself to tell the General. Yes, General Hammond has been through a lot and has seen a lot. I'm not denying that he's experienced.

Hell, he's even gone through the stargate a few times, which is more than most of the population of Earth can say…

But… but he's never been there. He isn't one of the other SG members that have your back in a firefight… he isn't one of the doctors who risk their lives to save yours… isn't even a scientist who goes out there without much military training…

He just is. And sometimes that doesn't feel good enough to be sharing certain moments.

Especially the last one… the General's lost friends, I'm sure… but I just don't know if I can say he's lost friends like I did…

… being on a SG team is different than being out there- no, being in combat on Earth… an SG team walks through the 'gate with only the others to protect them. You trust those people with your life. You train with them, work with them, hang with them after work…

Yeah, you're like that in normal military situations but… I don't know. This is just different…

General Hammond bonds with us but not the way we do with each other. He has to remain separate. He can't afford to become too attached to anyone. Can't afford to be too close and feel too connected to everyone. That just is…

But to talk about it… I couldn't do it. He didn't make us. He said write it down when we could. Write what we were able. That would be all he needed. And I'm thankful for that…

Actually, I've spent all this time just starring at the screen. Nothing wants to come out- no, a lot of things come to mind, but I can't write them.

Other times I don't want to go near the computer. I don't want to write my report. I don't want to think about it…

That young man over there… he writes a lot. I haven't seen him before, but that's not saying much. I don't spend too much time at home. Not as much as I should. But I've noticed him sitting, writing, lately. That's all he ever does.

He sits on his porch and writes. He sits in the grass and writes. He was lying under the tree… writing. And, one day, he was sitting on the porch steps watching- his sisters? daughters? babysitting?- and he was drawling them.

He seems like an interesting young man. Educated. Probably going to college right now. Probably feels very smart, very knowledgeable about the on-goings of the world.

Probably right… that is, he would be if there wasn't all the other worlds out there. All the things that happened to this world just outside of it…

What's a car doing on this road? No one comes down it… not unless they're lost or live here…

Oh, looks like Jim's car.

Jim… a weird man but a good neighbor to have around. He's always watering my plants and yard whenever I'm gone. Keeps an eye on the mail for me. Thankfully he doesn't ask much about where I go…

Actually, I've never asked him to do all that… weird man…

Well it's probably polite to say hello… wait that's not Jim.

Oh my gawd… "Colonel?" What's he doing here?

"Oh, hey, Carter."

Hmm, sounds surprised to see me. It's only my house… maybe he had hoped to stand outside for a few hours. Scary thing is that Jim would have called me by then to tell me there was a strange man at my door…

… weird man…

"What's so funny?"

"What?" Was I laughing? "Nothing."

Oh, I should like stand up or something. Just slightly too casual sitting here on my comfy swing. "What are you doing here, sir?" Good question. Glad something's thinking, my brain sure isn't.

"Oh… uh…" Well, that makes two of us. Should I rescue him? Naw, I love watching him squirm… "Well I was just… driving and somehow ended up out here. And I thought, 'Hey, Carter lives around here. Why don't I drop by?'"

"Really?" I'm smiling. Gawd I haven't smile since… well, now I'm not smiling. "Oh, um, pull up a seat then."

"Well thank-you."

But I get the swing. Not as comfortable like this but… okay he can sit on the swing too… if he wants. Oh, stop staring. He'll get up. Okay, stare at hands. That always works.

"So…" One would start to think I start all sentences like that when I'm with the Colonel.

"So…"

"What really brought you here?"

"I told you, Carter." He's smirking. And his upper lip is twitching. He's so lying.

"Yeah, right. Just happened to drive the hour out this way."

"Is it really an hour?"

I'm smiling again. It feels good.

Gawd, I missed him. We haven't seen each other- we haven't been on the base- for almost a week. Just a week? Feels longer… I can't believe that I missed him this much…

"Yes, sir."

'Sir'. Whoever came up with that word should be shot. Well, they're probably already dead… But 'sir'? Why do we always come back to that? It's like my subconscious is trying every second we're together to remind me that he's unattainable...

Okay, break the silence. Break the silence…

"So… been fishing this week?"

"A little. Yeah. I just came back."

"Oh… catch anything?"

He's smiling… he so doesn't have any fish in his pond. So doesn't. "Not much."

"Too bad."

"Yeah…"

Okay, something else… ah…

"So what have you been doing?"

What? "Oh, um… trying to stay sane without any work." He's smiling. Yes, go ahead, think 'workaholic' or whatever. I know, I know. "Yeah, Pete's been around. Keeping me occupied-" what's that look for-? "Not like that. Mind out of the gutter, sir."

'Sir' again…

Now what's that look for… oh shit, shouldn't have mentioned Pete. Just don't leave… don't leave…

"He's not around now is he, because I don't want to be-"

"No," wait… oh crap, Pete's still here isn't he? Um… "I mean, he's here. But you're not… invading or anything."

He's not as relaxed as he had been before. Tenser. Why did I bring up Pete?

… how did I forget about Pete? … alright, alright. Stupid question. I know.

"So…"

"So…"

Again with the 'so's. We have to expand our vocabulary… nope, nothing's coming to mind.

He's clearing his throat. Uhoh, that can't be good. Means he's actually going to be serious for a moment.

"Uh, Carter… you know I… I really came here to see how you were doing."

Nod, Sam, nod. Good job. "Yeah, figured as much." Now would be a time to add in the 'I'm fine. Doing good.'

Oh why bother? He asks, I answer with that, he gives me that look saying 'I don't buy it', and spends the rest of the day with an eye on me. He always knows… I just don't feel like it this time.

"So how are you doing?"

I'm fine. I'm fine!… okay, no I'm not…

Gawd, I just want to collapse into his arms and cry… I haven't cried. I should, I know I should. It's not like I've stopped myself. Well, I just haven't thought about it.

And now… now he's right there. He's there and it's all I can think about…

He has such gentle eyes. Even after all he's seen. After all he's done. They're still so soft, so beautiful…

Daniel's eyes were the same. Gentle… Alive with knowledge and youth…

I shouldn't look at them… it'll bring back the memory… Daniel's eyes just stared at the sky… they never closed…

His arms are so warm. When did that happen?

"Are you okay?"

He's whispering into my ear. My god I don't believe this is happening. It can't be…

"Not really."

"Me neither."

He sighed. His breath is so warm. No, don't cry… don't cry… not in front of him… "Hey, hey. No crying around me."

I'm laughing. I don't know why but I am. He has that way about him. Damn this man… always knows exactly what to say and when to say it to make me feel better.

Makes me feel better for a while but not forever. At some point I always start thinking again… and then I'll start to think about…

Think about what I thought about. What I was thinking about in that cell… the Colonel.

That's was I was thinking about. How, out of the few regrets I had, it was that nothing ever happened. That we never got to see if anything would…

I wasn't thinking about Pete and how I would regret not saying good-bye or seeing how it would end.

No, I was thinking about the Colonel…

I was going to say something, but I couldn't. Kept looking, opening my mouth to say something, but I never did.

My eyes would always drift away. They would always find the water. An odd way to kill someone… nothing I ever thought a Gou'ald would do. Just didn't seem in character. I wanted to keep thinking, 'he won't do it, he's just trying to scare us. It'll stop soon.' But it kept rising…

Rising… five hours or something and it was… it was lapping over the benches.

I was kneeling on the bench by then. My legs were soaked. I almost walked across… almost. I'd been thinking about it. Keep looking. Keep thinking that I was already wet, what did it matter?

But I didn't. Somewhere in me I wanted to believe that we'd get out. And we did…

But I wanted to just go over. To just give up… and walk over there… I don't really know what I would have done once I was there. But I was going to go…

But then the oddest thing happened: the water stopped rising. I didn't notice at first. It had been rising slowly, you couldn't really tell if you were watching.

But it was the… the noise, it just stopped. Some kind of pump or something. It had stopped…

But then it started back up.

But the water didn't keep rising. It was being pumped back up.

We didn't know what to think… I didn't know. At first I wanted to say that I was right and the Gou'ald was doing it to scare us. It just didn't make sense…

The water was gone in a matter of minutes. There was just a small amount on the floor… we stood up… the water splashed under our feet. For some reason I remember that…

His hands are so soft, so warm…

What-? When did I start crying? Must be from thinking about it…

He really does have gorgeous eyes. When did we move so close?

I should look away. Close my eyes. Good brain, you are doing something…

I can't look at his eyes. It's not the memory any more… now it's just that, if my eyes stay open, I'll see how close we are. I don't- no, I can't see that…

I'd been thinking about it some over the past few days… thinking that… well maybe it all would have been easier to just let us die there.

We wouldn't be here… wouldn't be in pain, grieving… if the Tok'ra would have just let us stay there a few more hours… had he not intervened… it would have been easier…

I want to believe that there's a god and that He has a plan for us all. I want to believe that it just wasn't time for us… but over the past few years, that's becoming harder and harder to believe…

So… do I believe it? That He planned this… Not for me to be here, in the Colonel's arms. Plan to be looking in his eyes. So many times I've looked… but not like this… not this way…


So there you have it. Actually it was a lot of fun to write this one.

So thanks to you all…

Keep tuned in and I'll have the third and final chapter uploaded. I know ya'll didn't ask for it (you just finished this one for cryin' out loud) but I thought of it in the middle of writing this one. You can just guess what it's about (I'll give you a hint: it's from Pete's POV)

I hope you liked it. Please review. Thanks.