"Why do I have to wear a suit? Can't you just tell your parents I'm not going?"
"Oh sure. I'm sure they'll have no problem leaving a juvenile delinquent home alone in their house to do God knows what while they're gone." Off Ryan's stare, "Ryan, this is Newport, not Chino. We dress up ridoinkulously for all events. And if I have to go and be miserable tonight, you better believe you're coming with me."
The look on Ryan's face showed anything but excitement. When he finally did walk into the event, he knew he was out of his league. Trying to stand alone and out of the way, Ryan felt more like a spectacle than a shadow. And if one more guest came up to him and inquired about Juvie and his criminal background, he thought for sure he'd scream. When he felt he couldn't take it any more, he slipped away to a bar on the other side of the party. After searching the crowd to make sure there wasn't a Cohen in sight, he ordered a drink and disappeared into the shadows.
"Evening ladies," Sandy greeted. "Looks like everyone is having a wonderful time. I was wondering if I could borrow my lovely wife for just a second."
After placing some distance between themselves and the partygoers, "Sandy, what is it? What's wrong?"
"Have you seen Ryan? I can't find him and I've looked all over the place. I even checked the men's rooms and the garden patio. He's gone."
"Sandy calm down. If he felt pressure here, then I'm sure he left. Remember your theory about being afraid? What if it's true? What if tonight was more than he could handle? He came back last time after taking off. He'll find his way home."
Nodding in agreement, Sandy put his arm around Kirsten and led her back to the party. "Just...keep an eye out."
"I will."
"Oh Kirsten! There you are! Sandy you don't mind if I steal her from you do you?"
"Now Taryn let's not talk about stealing things."
Laughing, "Sandy! You're always such the kidder!"
Grabbing Kirsten's arm, Taryn led her down the hall babbling something about cake.
Sandy decided he'd look one more time for Ryan.
In the back hallway, "Now Kirsten, wait until you see this cake! Marsfeld did it special for this function and it turned out amazing! He is the premiere cake chef. I thought you might want to get a good look at this incase he could help you out in the future with any of your cake needs.
Entering the empty set up room near the kitchen, the cake took her breath away. Specially prepared, it was a work of art. The two women circled the delectable dessert admiring the talent of its creator. Crossing in front of the cake for the second time, something caught the corner of Kirsten's eye. Looking up she discovered Ryan. He was sitting in a little nook at the back of the room on a bunch of dish crates.
Coming up with a quick excuse, "Oh Taryn, aren't you supposed to be upstairs? To make the announcements?"
"Oh! I almost forgot!"
"It's okay, go. I just want one more look at this cake."
"Alright, I'll see you upstairs."
Kirsten waited until Taryn disappeared into the elevator before quickly crossing the room to where Ryan was sitting.
Leaning against the wall in the nook, he looked completely disheveled. His tie was missing, his collar was up and his shirt was completely unbuttoned. He had one leg propped up on the crates while the other leg hung off. His eyes were glossy and red and he blinked slowly as if he could fall asleep at any moment. In his hand was a beer bottle.
He appeared to consider Kirsten for a moment before lifting the bottle to his mouth and taking a generous swig.
"Ryan...could I have that?"
Continuing to blink slowly, he handed her the bottle without a fight.
"How much have you had to drink tonight?"
"Quite a bit. But not as much as the night I puked on your floor if that's what you're asking."
"So what's wrong? Why are you down here?"
"Because I don't belong here. Don't you think I feel it?"
"Ryan, you're part of my family and my family doesn't sit in the basement."
"I'm not part of your family. I don't have a family. Nobody wants me."
His blunt, yet honest, opinion took her by surprise. Not knowing what to say to that, Kirsten was the one opting for silence now. Whatever they felt for him, he just made it clear he didn't feel the same way. And that news hurt.
"Would you like to go home Ryan?"
He nodded slowly. "I can't exactly blend back into the party in my current condition."
"Okay, I'll call Sandy and tell him to get the car." She helped him off the crates and put her arm around his waist. He was out of it, but he could carry his own body weight. She'd seen him in worse shape.
When they reached the hall, Ryan stopped walking and looked around. "Are any of these doors bathrooms?"
The two shared a concerned look.
"Kirsten I'm coherent this time. I know what I'm doing. Just tell me where."
"End of the hall. I'll walk you down there."
Once Ryan slipped past the bathroom door on his own, Kirsten dialed Sandy on her cell phone and filled him in.
"Don't come down on him Sandy, he's actually talking a little bit. We've got all day tomorrow to deal with the drinking he did tonight. Sandy, he thinks we don't want him..."
"He really said that?"
"He said he doesn't have a home and nobody wants him. Sandy I felt terrible, I didn't know what to say."
"One step at a time Kirsten. Let's get him home."
Agreeing to meet at the side door, Sandy gathered Seth and headed to get the car. Meanwhile, Kirsten led Ryan down an empty hallway and outside to the garden. The cool night air chilled them both.
"Do you feel okay Ryan? Can you make it home in one piece?"
"Yeah. I'm fine."
The car ride home was uneventful. Ryan had fallen asleep almost immediately. Seth was sitting across from him, his head swarming with questions he would ask Ryan in the morning. Sandy and Kirsten sat in the front separately pondering how Ryan managed to pull off what he did without either taking notice. Secretly they both felt guilty for allowing him to meander the party, unescorted. They knew Newport's high society could be difficult and they lived there. But they hadn't taken the time to consider how it would affect Ryan by throwing him into a party like that.
Back in the pool house, Sandy and Kirsten walked a half asleep Ryan to his bed and sat him down. Sandy untied and removed his shoes and Kirsten removed his suit jacket and his dress shirt. Once he laid down, Kirsten instructed him to take off his belt, something about it not being healthy to sleep with something tight around his waist. He was too tired and obeyed without arguing. Handing his belt over she covered him with a blanket as Sandy said "Goodnight kid" and left the pool house.
Ryan watched Kirsten a minute longer while she made sure his blanket was just right.
"Why are you being so nice to me?"
His eyes were all but closed but Kirsten could tell he was watching her.
"Because despite how you feel about us, we really do care about you. Get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day." Brushing his hair out of his eyes, she bid him good night.
Sandy had already left for work when Kirsten decided she would make a quick run to the store before the boys got up. Moving along as quickly as she could she was please to be back home in just over an hour. Putting away her groceries, she thought about the events from the night before. Ryan hiding himself away at the party and drinking himself into the shadows was bothering her for some reason. Not to mention his comment about not being a part of their family. Finishing her coffee, she checked her watch and figured everyone had slept long enough. She poured Ryan a cup of coffee and prepared a bagel. She hoped some bit of knowledge would come to her. Something she could share with Ryan to get him to view things differently. Maybe he'd open up a bit more today. In the mean time, she assumed Ryan would be nursing a good headache this morning and she reminded herself to tread lightly. She knew it wouldn't take much to set him off and that would get them nowhere.
Opening the door to the pool house, "Good morning Ryan. I brought you...oh my God! What do you think you're doing???"
Apparently Ryan didn't have a headache at all as Kirsten watched him roll over while a girl she didn't know wiggled out from under Ryan's body. Embarrassed, the nearly naked girl quickly claimed her things and made haste for the door. Ryan sat himself up in his bed leaning back on his arms, the front of his jeans undone.
Quickly forgetting the pity she had for Ryan only minutes before in the kitchen, rage consumed her and she exploded.
"Explanation! NOW!" she demanded through clenched teeth.
Ignoring her infuriated behavior, Ryan scooted off the opposite side of the bed and stood up. Keeping his back to her, he closed his jeans and reached for his shirt.
"Ryan! I'm talking to you!"
"I know."
"Answer me!"
Turning to face her, "What do you want me to say? What? You want to hear me admit I got laid? Is that what you want?"
"How could you do this? Did we not have a conversation about respecting this house???"
"Look," Ryan said, crossing the room to where Kirsten was standing. "I've been here for four...days. What you want is for me to turn into an alter boy overnight and that ain't gonna happen."
Kirsten's mouth hung open. Oh this kid was stubborn! Putting her hands on her hips and looking Ryan dead in the face, she scoured for something further to say. Shaking her head at the blankness, she addressed the obvious. "Please tell me you are, at the very least, practicing safe sex." She stared at him waiting for an answer.
Grinding his teeth, he nodded.
"Are you lying?" she probed.
Crossing in front of Kirsten, Ryan reached for something on his night table and turned around to show her an open and empty condom wrapper.
Kirsten's eyes filled with tears. "I'm not used to this Ryan. I'm not used to people not accepting my help. I guess I don't know how to help you. You've made it apparent you don't want my help...our help. I will not allow you to use my home as your personal playground. The door is open. You can leave whenever you're ready. I'll let Sandy know. I wish you the best."
Covering her face with her hand she left the pool house in a hurry. Ryan stood shocked. He looked down at the empty condom wrapper in his hand. That had done it. That's what put her over the edge. Looking back at his night table he threw the wrapper down. It landed next to the fresh cup of coffee and the bagel she brought him. Turning his concentration to the main house he could see Kirsten on the phone in the kitchen, her back was to Ryan. Calling Sandy no doubt. The chips were coming down.
Two weeks had passed since Ryan left. Kirsten cursed herself hourly for jumping the gun and allowing him to leave. Sandy did his best to keep her spirits up.
"Honey, we knew Ryan was a wild spirit when we brought him home. He's the one that has to decide where his life is going to go. We can offer him the moon, but if he doesn't want it..."
"I've never 'not' been able to help someone Sandy. This hurts."
"You can't blame yourself. This isn't about us. It's about him."
"I'll never forgive myself if something happens to him because I let him go."
"He's a tough kid. He'll find his way. Who knows, it might even lead him back here." Sandy smiled and gave Kirsten a hug. Reading each other's thoughts, they wondered if they would ever see Ryan again.
Kirsten was exhausted. The planning committee had drained her only day off and she had just spent the last seven hours discussing everything from buntings to appetizers to music choices. The sun was basking deep on the horizon and she was hoping Seth and Sandy had already order some dinner.
Handing the valet her ticket, she waited for her car. She let her eyes wander across the grounds, taking in the rushing people, the flowers, the fountain and...Ryan?
He was sitting on a retaining wall. When he noticed Kirsten looking his way, he raised his hand in a cautious wave, a lit cigarette in his fingers.
"Your car, ma'am." The valet interrupted her thoughts.
Peeling her eyes off Ryan for a moment, "Um...Joe...I forgot something. Could you pull it off to the side for just a moment?"
"Sure thing Mrs. Cohen."
When she returned her attention to Ryan, he was gone. She rushed across the sidewalk to where he was sitting. She searched the area, including the backside of the retaining wall. Nothing. He was gone. Putting her hands on the retaining wall she looked out over the hillside, discouraged.
"You look like someone just ruined your charity function."
"Ryan?" she questioned, turning around.
"Hey."
"This is, um, this is the last place I expected to run into you. How are you?"
"I'm okay."
"I'm surprised you're still here, in Newport. I thought for sure you'd be leaving skid marks on your way back to Chino."
A half smile presented itself across Ryan's face. "Yeah. No, not yet."
"Well, where are you staying?"
Tucking his lips in, he let his eyes drop to the ground and decided to change the subject. "So...how's Sandy doing?"
Catching on, "Ryan...where are you staying?"
"Here and there," he explained too embarrassed to look at her.
"You're living on the street?"
Hesitantly, "It's not so bad. Not like I haven't done it before. The streets of Newport are nothing like the streets of Chino. I can get away with..." catching himself, "It's not so bad."
That awkward Cohen silence filled the air.
"So how's Seth?"
"Ryan, you can't keep doing this."
"What?"
"Running..."
Hearing her words, Ryan looked away. Turning his body he leaned against the wall. "It's all I know how to do."
Kirsten's eyes filled up again. She wouldn't make the same mistake twice.
"Ryan, come home with me. No strings. No questions. Even if it's just for dinner. I'm sure it's been a while since you had a nice meal. Please?"
"I can't. I should go. I've held you up long enough. Seth and Sandy are going to want their dinner. I'll see you around."
"Ryan wait," Kirsten grabbed his jacket to stop him from going too far too quickly. Reaching into her purse, she pulled out her wallet.
"Kirsten I can't take that..."
"Oh yes you can. If you won't come home with me and eat, then you take this and get yourself a good dinner. There's enough there for several meals. I'm sure you can manage to save some of it for a pack of cigarettes too."
"Since when do you approve of cigarettes? Besides, I'm too young to buy them that's why I steal 'em." And embarrassed smile flashed across his face and then disappeared.
"You take that and you do what I said. Okay?"
Tears were flowing from her eyes now. She knew if she pushed him to come home with her he would probably throw her money back at her and run. He was looking at her with eyes she had never seen before. For the first time since she met him, he looked afraid. Afraid to agree to go with her. Afraid to let her leave without him. She watched him fold the money and stuff it in his front pocket. Raising his eyes to her he swallowed hard as Kirsten put her arm around him and hugged him.
"Take care of yourself Ryan. I'll be thinking about you."
Standing silently, he let her cup his scruffy face in her hand before she turned and went back to her car. Watching her drive away he wondered if he had done the right thing.
It had been a couple days since Kirsten ran into Ryan. She found herself driving past the banquet hall on several occasions for no other reason than to see if Ryan was there, sitting on the retaining wall again. Once again he had vanished.
Back at the Cohen house it was dinner as usual. Take out containers strewn across the counter signalized it time to eat. Once everyone had taken their seat, the kitchen fell quiet with the exception of clanging utensils.
"Honey you can't keep beating yourself up over this," Sandy offered, hoping to chisel away some of the ice that had built up at the table.
"That's easy for you to say Sandy, you're not the one that let him leave. I just wish I could see him again. Just to make sure he's okay. It's the not knowing part that's just killing me. Well, that on top of basically throwing him out."
"Honey..."
"Mom if you wanted to see Ryan why didn't you just say so?" Seth's comment brought dinner to an abrupt halt.
"You know where he is?" Sandy asked, stunned by this news. "How could you know he barely talked to you?"
"Seth, tell us!"
"Fine. I will tell you. But if he asks how you found him, do not mention my name."
"Deal! Spill it!" Kirsten negotiated.
Sighing, "He may not have made time for me, but it's no secret that I have all the time in the world. I followed him. Now I'm not promising he will be there, but, when he was staying here, he went down to the pier every day. Mom what are you doing?"
Kirsten had already jumped out of her seat, grabbed her car keys and was heading to the front door. "Just wrap up my dinner! I'll eat it later!"
After dropping her keys twice on the driveway and wrestling with her seatbelt, she was finally at the point of starting her car when Sandy appeared outside her window.
"Kirsten...honey...turn the car off."
"Sandy, I have to go to the pier. What if he's there? What if..."
"Exactly. What if? Then what? You're gonna drag him back here kicking and screaming so he can go through the motions of showing you, again, that he doesn't want to be here? Granted, he was only here for four days but he put an awfully lot of energy into keeping us on our toes."
"But what about what you said Sandy? What if he's only acting out because he's afraid? What if we...what if I gave up on him too soon?"
"Honey all the guessing in the world will only bring him back here...if he truly wants to be here."
Laying her head back against the car seat, Kirsten wrestled with the decision of going to the pier to look for Ryan or staying home. When Sandy opened the car door and extended his hand, tears took over again. "I can't take this much longer Sandy."
"It's going to be okay. Ryan's going to be okay. We all just need some time."
Leading her into the house, he tried to convince himself that he believed his own words. He hoped he was right.
Two more days gone past brought Saturday morning and that meant surfing. Sandy hit the waves early every weekend so he could be home with his family on his days off. Parking at his favorite surf spot, he eyed the pier in the distance. It was pretty empty at this hour. With the exception of a few dedicated surfers, six a.m. showed the beach and the pier rather empty. Getting out of the Rover, he eyed the pier again. He could go look. What if he was there? Shaking his head he opted to obey his own advice. Grabbing his surfboard he hoped the waves would take the edge off his worries and clear his head.
With Sandy surfing and Seth still asleep, Kirsten sat in the kitchen in silence, sipping her morning coffee and mindlessly flipping through the newspaper.
She heard the doorbell ring and allowed Rosa to answer it. She hoped whoever it was would just go away, she wasn't in the mood for visitors. When she heard Rosa walking towards the kitchen, she knew the person on the doorstep had not left.
"Excuse me Mrs. Cohen, there's someone at the door for you."
Still flipping through the newspaper, "Rosa, could you please tell them I'm not available and ask them to come back another time. I'm really not up for talking right now."
"Would you be willing to talk to me?"
Kirsten's head snapped up and she spun around to look behind her. "Ryan!"
"Hey..."
"How did you...are you....did you want something to eat? Are you...Oh my God your eye!" she spit out all at once, rushing across the kitchen to get a better look at Ryan's bruised eye.
"It's nothing. Really. Sort of comes with the territory."
"So...what brings you here? Are you okay?"
Yeah I...um..." he hesitated. Looking her straight in the eye, he swallowed hard again. That familiar Cohen silence was now an Atwood silence as she waited for him to search for the right words.
"I don't ever do this...ever..."
She watched his chest rising and falling from anxiety. Whatever he wanted to say, it was important and he wanted to get this right. Kirsten fought off every impulse to find the words for him.
"It's funny, you don't appreciate having a bed until you don't have one any more...or a shower...or a table full of babbling people that's covered in food." He laughed nervously at his own revelation before stifling his anxiety born smile.
"What are you saying Ryan?" She could tell he was grinding his teeth.
"I was wondering if..." he paused nervously. "If you'd be willing to give me another chance." He watched Kirsten eager for her answer yet trying his hardest to hide his hopefulness. Lord knows he did everything in his power to screw up his first impression and part of him knew there was a good chance she'd say 'no'.
"Ryan I thought you hate it here," she stated with caution.
"I did. At least...I thought I did." He admitted. "Sandy was right. It seemed easier to screw up so you'd throw me out right away rather than waiting for it to come to me when I wasn't expecting it."
"You definitely accomplished a lot in the four days you were here Ryan. And yet, nothing has changed. The rules are still the same. Our expectations of you haven't changed."
"I know," he acknowledged. "I didn't get like this overnight, and I'm not perfect. But..." pausing, he grabbed his backpack off the floor. Pulling out two packs of cigarettes with a lighter, a small half empty bottle of whiskey and a couple of wrapped condoms, he placed everything on a pile and pushed it toward Kirsten's side of the counter top.
"What are you doing Ryan?"
"If you take me back in...I promise I'll try. That morning after I came home drunk you told me I had to at least try. I'm not saying I'll never make another mistake, I'll probably make lots of them and I'll still probably piss you off at times, but, I'll try this time."
"You're sure this is what you want? We are a very sappy and cheesy family. We can make your life hell."
A smirk formed on Ryan's face. "I know. It's gonna suck! But, I can give you guys a pretty good run for you money in the 'hell' department if provoked."
"Ha! I think we already have a pretty good idea of what you're capable of. Okay Ryan. Let's give it a try." Kirsten could visibly see him let out the breath he was holding. "Where did you get all of this stuff anyways?"
"You ...probably don't want to know."
Folding her arms across her chest, "Ryan, no more lying."
Sighing, "No lying. Right. That's going to take time. I am from Chino. Lying is a way of life there. Okay fine. I got it at various stores and...I admit, that's not everything."
"What? Ryan!"
A genuine smile broke out over his face. For the first time Kirsten got a glimpse of who he could be...if he tried.
"What? I gave you most of it! You think that was easy for me?"
"I don't believe this! You conned me!"
Shaking his head and returning to seriousness, "NO! No I didn't. It's only a con if you don't mean what you say."
"So you're saying you're really going to try? And I mean really try?"
"Yeah."
"When do I get the rest of the stuff?"
"I'll get rid of it." Off of Kirsten's look, "I promise. I'll get rid of it."
"Let's get one thing straight, 'getting rid of it' does not mean using it. Okay?"
Nodding, "Is it okay if I go back to my room?"
Giving Ryan a smile of relief, "Yes. Make sure you put anything you want washed in the laundry basket. Rosa is here today."
Nodding again, Ryan opened the patio door and paused, "Kirsten?" He waited for her to look at him. "Thanks."
When Sandy walked through the door he noticed something was different. Kirsten was sitting in the living room and she was practically beaming.
"Oh I missed something. What is it? Wait let me guess. Seth is going to start paying rent? The Newpsies excused us from the next six months of charity functions? Your Dad is moving far away to Tahiti?"
"Sandy!"
"Honey those were all good guesses."
Kirsten shook her head at Sandy and just smiled.
"What? Ryan? You heard from Ryan?"
"Actually...he's here."
Surprised, "Ryan's back???"
Nodding contently, "Ryan...is back."
"So you really want to do this again? I mean you're okay with this?"
"Well he admitted he would actually try this time but he was honest enough to also admit that he will probably still piss us off at times...his words, not mine."
"Gotta love that kid's version of honesty!"
"He came back here on his own...we have to try Sandy..."
"Okay...we'll give it a try...Heaven knows he'll at least make it an interesting ride."
