Chapter 5: I'm Writing a Memoir!
Snape's home
Snape got out of bed, rubbing his sore head. "Oh, my goodness. What happened?" Then the events of last night came back to him. He'd told them that he didn't want to die, and then they started fighting again. But how'd he- Oh, yeah. Peter had thrown a wooden chair at Rodolphus, who'd ducked, and instead it hit Snape in the back of the head.
As he chuckled sourly something beeped behind him. Snape turned in alarm, but noticed it was just his fax-machine. Snape walked over to it and raised an eyebrow. The pages that were coming out were blank. He grabbed the next one to come out. I was blank.
Nothing. Absolutely empty! About one hundred blank ones had already come out. Then the machine wheezed, coughed up smoke, and stopped. The phone rang just at that second. He really needed caller ID.
He pushed the small blue button. "Hello?"
"HELLO SNIVELLY! Did you get my fax?" Voldemort asked excitedly from the other line.
"Yeah, I got it." Snape scanned the paper. "But it's blank."
"Oh, of course it is, silly." He snorted. "It's made of invisible ink," he laughed. "Duhhh."
"Oh invisible in-INVISIBLE INK! HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET INVISIBLE INK IN A FAX-MACHINE?" Snape asked, wondering what type of joke this was supposed to be.
"It's my memoirs, stupid," Voldemort sighed.
"Why are you writing your memoir in invisible ink?" Snape asked, rubbing his eyes.
"Because I want to," Voldemort said. "Next week, same time, same place, another meeting, and hopefully it won't be so bad next time. Oh, and the invisible ink is pink. Bye, Snivelly." The phone beeped.
"On second thought I think I'll just go to work today," Snape said to himself. He slipped on his coat, ran to an alley and Apparated to his store.
In the souvenir store
Snape sighed, looking at the family. "How can I help you?" Snape asked. He really wasn't having one of his best days.
"Hello! We were wondering how do you get to Buckingham Palace?" they asked, holding out a map.
The palace! Yes! That was a perfect place to go at a time like this! He'd go complain to the not-so-talkative guards. "I'm sorry. I really wish I could, but I've only lived here a couple of years- er, I mean months. You see, I'm not really a citizen myself. So I have no choice but to leave you, so bye," he said, forcing the protesting family from the store.
He ran to an alley and Apparated. He opened his eyes, seeing the alley right next to the castle. He ran to a guard as he heard the thunder. Rain began pouring down.
"Listen, man. I've got to talk to you. Even though you don't listen, I'll tell you. I'm lonely. I haven't seen my mother in years…" He wailed on and on, complaining about his horrible little childhood. Little did he know that from the horrible thunderstorm that was going on, the man in front of him couldn't hear a thing he was saying.
"Um, sir? I can't hear you from the storm," the guard said, feeling bad about not hearing him. It wasn't his fault he was deaf in one ear.
Unfortunately, Snape's back was turned. The man sighed. Why did they always come and complain to him? What did he look like, a psychiatrist?
Two hours later, after the rain stopped
"Um, EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT DON'T YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO?" The soldier shouted. "YOU KNOW, LIKE AWAY FROM HERE!"
"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot the meeting!" Snape cried and sprinted down the street.
About two blocks down the road, Snape got tired. Then he noticed something…he had been running. "Oh, of all the…" he muttered and ran into an alley, Apparating right in Voldemort's living room. He had to admit, it did look cozy; it must have been the yellow streamers hanging all over the place.
Just then, Lucius ran over, a clipboard in hand and confetti everywhere else. "Oh, Severus! Thank goodness you came! We only have two hours left to get the boss' birthday party set up, and the clowns are too sick to come. Maybe we went a little overboard on the threatening part."
Snape rolled his eyes. "Nah, ya think?" he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Sorry, no time for that! Peter, how are those puppets coming along?"
"So far, so good!"
"And Bella, how about that pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game?"
"All clear over here! Now all I need is the donkey!"
"Sweetie, are you sure you can handle Twister? Because if you can't, that's fine. I can do it."
"It's all right. Draco finally found his teddy bear, so that should distract him for a while."
"TEDDY SUFFER!" Draco shouted and ripped off one of the arms, then giggled hysterically.
Snape cringed in fear. "So you still need someone to find a pair of clowns?" he asked.
"Yup!"
"Then I'll do it. I need to get as far away from here as possi-I mean what's a birthday party without clowns?" Snape dashed from the house.
"You do that!" Lucius called after him absentmindedly. "Hey Rodolphus, don't forget that piñata - and goodness gracious! WHO MADE THE CAKE!"
Snape went to his house and asked all his neighbors. He was shocked to discover that some became quite upset when he said they were just the people he needed. So after that didn't work he looked in the phone book, and that's when he saw the two people he'd been looking for all along. He went to both their houses, promptly took them by the ear and dragged them to the party.
He threw them both on the ground in front of Lucius and shouted, "There's your clowns, you great prune!"
"But Snape… That's Crabbe and Goyle. AND I AM NOT A PRUNE!"
"So? They're the only people stupid enough to take the job."
Just then Crabbe took a pie out of nowhere and threw it at Goyle's face. "DUHHHHH AHAHAHA!" he laughed as it slid off.
"They'll do," Lucius said.
"HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!" a random death eater shouted from one side of the room.
"QUICK EVERYONE, HIDE!" Just then a crowd zipped passed Snape, carrying him along with them.
The door opened to reveal…DUN DUN DUN! THE ORDER OF THE PHEONIX!
"SURPRISE!" all the death eaters shouted. Then noticed who they were. "Ahhhhhhhhh!" they shouted.
"What do you want?" Lucius asked calmly.
"To destroy you!" Sirius Black shouted.
"Well you picked a bad time. This is Lord Voldemort's birthday party!" Snape said.
"Oh, a birthday party? Can we come?"
"Sure!" Lucius said. "Today is supposed to be a happy day, so quick, come hide."
"HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!" shouted the same random death eater.
"Quick, everyone! Hide!"
Slowly, the door opened to reveal…Voldie! "AHHHHH!" everyone screamed. Then they remembered he was the birthday boy! "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" they shouted.
A/N: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (then notices it's the audience) Hello! I left you at a cliffy! Yay for cliffies! Gives me more time to think. Details of the party will be put in the next chapter. So there you have it. Until next Wednesday…AWAY! I'M OFF TO SEE AS MUCH OF THE WORLD AS I CAN! O-o Of course that is until next time. Hehe! (Drags a whimpering Avie onto stage and is holding a big tranquillizing gun.) Huh! There now you owe me!
ONTO REVIEWER RESPONSES! SALLY FORTH INTO THE UNKNOWN! CHARGE!
Super Shayde: Sniffs You really think so? And those are your favorite lines? Wow, I thought those were the least funny ones. Thanks for using Bella! I am so honored! And as for your ideas, I have been squashed against the windshield of inspiration! Well I did number nine. takes cookie Okay, you get Remus for a day. But that's all. You give him back in the next review. Oh yeah and I'm gonna put up another one-shot about the marauders so please read that after a while.
BaYerrulz: ;) Was it really that bad? Oh well. Just don't die.
Miss Piratess: OO! You…You what? Oh, well. Nothing I can do about that. Um, by the way, did the person like it? I'm kinda glad you did. It was a sweet thing to do. Toodaloo!
Here comes the hockey puck: I'm still wondering where the answer to that question is. (starts looking through stacks of paper) I'll find it eventually. Hope you get an A on that homework. Yes, it's so EVIL! (Shoots evil homework with a staple gun) Take that! Oh yeah, bye!
wicked-n-lazy: You liked that part? Hm, maybe I should write more of that. Oh, and this isn't the last chappie. I was just playing. It should go up to twelve.
Sors: Your not going to? -! I'm free! (Starts hoppng around and falls right off stage.) WOOT!
LilStripedTomato: Oh, yes, very endless. The parts with stupid Crabbe and Goyle, and evil Draco, those were my original ideas. You gave me another idea! WILL YOU GUYS STOP GIVING ME IDEAS! He will? Then update, woman! YAY! (Looks at staple gun) HEY, DAD I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT CHAIR NOW! You're not a loon! Their mean! Do you like Avie? I don't! She rambles! Well, I guess I like her a lot if you take that part out. TA-TA!
