Bad Behavior Chapter 19
Notes From the Heart
By mid-afternoon Ryan was starting to drag. The early wake up call and the constant physical drain of his chores was really taking their toll. By three o'clock in the afternoon he'd learned how to control and ride a horse, to some extent, removed three dozen sixty pound bags of feed from a delivery truck by hand, and cleaned out Maggie's stall…he winced at that thought. He also helped Marco pull a trailer back to the barn by hand since the tractor had a flat tire. He was exhausted. When Gina walked into the room, he dreaded what would come out of her mouth.
"Alright guys, mail call," she announced, flipping through some additional envelopes from Saturday's mail.
Ryan stood up and silently disappeared to get himself a drink. He had no desire to hear who'd get a letter and who wouldn't. He knew there wouldn't be one for him. Snagging a bottle of water, he walked out onto the front porch where he found Frankie sitting on the steps.
"Hey man."
"Hey Ryan. Pull up some wood, man. Have a seat. You look beat man."
"I feel beat."
Chuckling, "It'll get better. You just gotta hang tough for a couple more days."
Ryan leaned against the railing and closed his eyes.
"I saw Gina teaching you to ride today. You looked good out there man. You done this before?"
"Hell no. What you didn't see is the heart attack I had in the barn when I thought the horse was going to eat my neck."
"Ha! I freaked too at first. You got Maggie though. She's a cuddler. Take good care of her and she'll take good care of you."
"What's your horse like?"
"Gina seems to have a talent for matching personalities. My horse is good, a little flaky like me, but good. His name's Tattoo…'nough said. If Gina would let me take him for some piercings we'd be twins."
Ryan smiled at the joke. It amused him that all the 'tough guys' in this place all seemed to have a hidden soft side…himself included.
"I kind of like it here," Frankie announced. "I hate to admit it but, I've done a few things on purpose so I could stay longer. Anything to avoid going home you know?"
Ryan nodded knowingly.
"But you're anxious to go home, right?" he inquired.
Dropping his eyes to the cracked wood under his shoes, "Only if I get to stay with my foster family. If the court sends me back to my real Mom…"
Now it was Frankie's turn to nod with understanding. "I'm sort of in the same boat. My Mom is a coke addict. She goes through these fits of rage and…no matter what I do it's the wrong thing you know?"
"I do." Ryan paused and studied Frankie's face, the pain of a broken family in his eyes. Ryan knew that pain. "My Mom…my Mom's an alcoholic," Ryan offered quietly. "She's always drunk or passed out or puking, not necessarily in that order."
"They have no idea how much it ruins our lives…we didn't ask for this," Frankie added. "But your foster family is good right? I mean they sent you all that stuff."
Ryan's mind wandered back to the Cohens and the home he made with them. Nodding, "I wish I could stay with them, but my gut says the court is going to send me back to Chino. It makes me sick to think about it. The Cohens, they care about me. I've screwed up since I've been there and they've been amazing. They got me to want to change and they've never laid a hand on me…" Ryan stopped his story, realizing what he just admitted. He could feel his cheeks heating up with regret.
"Don't worry man, you're secret's safe with me. I went through that too and I hate to talk about it just as much."
"See you get it, why doesn't anyone else get it? I know Gina is just chomping at the bit to get me talking. I don't know how to make her understand I just want to be…normal. I don't want to analyze what happened to me, I lived it. It was bad enough the first time. I'm past it. I'm not that kid anymore. If she could see me with the Cohens she'd understand."
"These book trained people, I think they're just amazed at guys like us because the stories are real and they want to hear them. I think sometimes in their quest to do good, they forget to consider how painful it was for us."
They sat on the steps in silence, both tolerating flashbacks of the pain they left behind.
Realizing what time it was, "Aw man, I'm missing Jeopardy!" Frankie hollered jumping up. Offering a guy shake to Ryan, "I won't say anything man. What happens on the porch, stays on the porch. Cool?"
"Cool."
Frankie disappeared into the house and Ryan leaned against the railing again. Closing his eyes, it only took a moment before he succumbed to his exhaustion and dozed off. Neither boy noticed Gina just inside the open window, busily scribbling away on her tablet.
Sunday 4:40 pm – Ryan Atwood
Although juvenile remains guarded with adults, he has shown some trust in others his own age. Conversations with dorm-mates are lighthearted and insightful. Juvenile seems willing to open up to those who have the same 'broken' background as he does – in his eyes, they understand what others don't. I do believe juvenile will open up with time.
When Kirsten came home from the office, she looked pitifully on her husband who'd fallen asleep on the couch. Sitting down next to him she gently rubbed his face and his eyes fluttered open.
"Hey," she said softly. "I take it today didn't go as well as you planned."
"Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore. His Mom is looking at this whole thing backwards. She doesn't care about Ryan. All she cares about is herself. And today I saw this…" Reaching for his suit coat on the back of the couch, Sandy retrieved the photo of pajama clad Ryan and passed it to Kirsten.
"Oh my God." Kirsten could swear her heart stopped momentarily. Her mouth dropped open as she took in every inch of the photo. "He was just a baby. Look at his eye." Kirsten immediately recognized the sadness in his eyes. It was the same sadness she saw the day she ran into him in front of the country club after the charity meeting, after she'd let him leave their house and he wouldn't come home.
"That photo broke my heart," Sandy admitted. "Dawn had some sort of episode recently. When I walked in, there were photos thrown all over the place. I saw a few with Ryan in them. From what I saw, he never smiled. Can you imagine that?"
"I'm not sure I want to hear any more."
"I told her that Ryan is going to go before the judge. It seemed to have rattled her a bit. At least I think it did. It's hard to tell with her. The closer it gets to his hearing, the more I feel like a basket case. I can't even imagine what Ryan is going through right now."
"We have to stay strong, for Ryan's sake." Kirsten dropped her eyes down to the photo again. "Batman pajamas," she whispered. "Keep the faith Sandy. I think Ryan going before the judge is the right thing. I have a good feeling about it."
"I hope you're right."
Crossing the porch, Gina got down on her haunches next to Ryan. Smiling at his sleeping face, she gently placed her hand on his arm. "Ryan…Ryan, wake up sweetie."
Startled, Ryan jumped awake and firmly grabbed Gina's arm, scaring the living daylights out of her as well.
"Ryan! Ryan, it's Gina! It's okay!"
Blinking back to a coherent state, Ryan realized he had quite the clamp on her arm. "Gina…sorry…I'm sorry. You scared me," he admitted, turning her arm loose.
"It's okay sweetie. Are you okay?"
Avoiding eye contact, Ryan nodded hesitantly.
"Okay…good. Whew. I know you like your privacy out here on the porch, so I have a few things to leave with you. Here are some pens and a notebook for you. You can use your notebook to write letters to your friends and family, or journal your stay here. Anything you want. Marco likes to draw cars in his. I'll leave you to it. Hang in there. We're only about an hour away from dinner and showers and then you can crash for the day if you want to. I'll see you at dinner."
Ryan gawked at the notebook. Sketching wasn't his thing. Journaling was out of the question. Whatever thoughts or emotions he was feeling, leaving a written record of them was out of the question. His mind drifted to the Cohens. He could write a letter…but words were never really his strong suit, not in person and definitely not on paper. Frowning, he set the notebook down. Rubbing his hand on the back of his neck, he wondered what the Cohens were doing at that time. He wondered if they thought of him as much as he thought of them. His thoughts darted back and forth between the good and the bad. He thought about Sandy bringing him home from Juvie. He thought about Kirsten finding him drunk or in a compromising position with of a girl, more than once in each case. He thought about how she took him back in, even with all his flaws, after he'd run away. He thought about all the little things they did that proved they cared, like when Kirsten pulled his blankets over him when she thought he was sleeping. The way Seth always had his back, no matter what. His own blood brother never even did that. It was always every man for himself. And Sandy. Sandy seemed to always be fighting for Ryan, ever since the day he brought him home. He stood up to the community. He stood up to the courts. He was always looking out for him.
Sighing, Ryan picked up the notebook and opened it to the first page. The blank lines stared back at him. Taking the cap off his pen, he started to write…
Hey,
I'm going to give this letter thing a chance. You guys know me. I don't say much in person and finding the words to write down isn't much easier for me but – here it goes.
So far The Ranch has been okay. Granted, I've only been here about twenty-four hours. The guys in my dorm seem pretty cool. Our dorm is nicknamed 'The Cruisers' because we've all stolen at least one car. Impressive huh?
The chores started today. It's a lot busier than I expected it to be but it's okay because the time goes by fast. Right now I'm looking forward to dinner and a shower and then hitting my bunk by 8pm. I'm exhausted.
Sandy would be impressed to know that our days start at 5am. Each of you have seen my morning face – now imagine waking me up 4 hours sooner! (It's not pretty).
I guess that's all. It's time for dinner and this week my dorm has kitchen duty. I'll try to write again when I have a chance.
Ryan
Ryan glared at the short note in front of him, it hardly seemed worth mailing. There was a part of him that wanted to hold onto the letter, to see if the Cohens would send one to him first. Glancing out to the empty parking spaces, it dawned on him that hanging on to his letter would be the wrong choice. He wanted to go back to the Cohens more than anything and sending his letter would show them he was thinking of home. Yes. Sending it was the right thing to do.
Ripping the paper out of the notebook, Ryan went inside and found Gina.
"Um, I was wondering if…if you could give me an envelope," he asked shyly.
A smile spread over Gina's face. "Oh absolutely Ryan! Follow me, I'll show you where we keep everything."
He followed her to a little nook that had a very large desk and many supplies on it.
"Here we are," she demonstrated, offering him an envelope and a stamp.
Embarrassed, Ryan held out his letter to her, his head hung low to avoid eye contact.
Gina tipped her head and offered a sympathetic smile. "Ryan, you don't have to show me that. I know sometimes they check letters in Juvie, but we don't do that here at The Ranch. Your letters are private here."
"Oh." Pulling his arm back in he frowned at his letter. "It's really short."
"That's fine. Your letters can be anything you want them to be. There's no right or wrong way to do them."
Ryan nodded, gaining just a smidge of encouragement from Gina.
"Go ahead and make out your envelope, don't forget your stamp. When you're finished, put it in this basket right here. This is tomorrow's outgoing mail. And that's it. You can send as many as you want as often as you want." Gina couldn't help but noticed Ryan was still preoccupied with his letter. Her gut told her what was running through his mind. "Remember what I said Ryan. You have to give it a chance. You just got here yesterday. Even if they wrote you a letter the minute you left home, it'll take a few days to get here."
"I know. It's just that my life had always been so full of disappointment until they came along, I don't want…" Catching himself in mid-sentence Ryan's eyes drifted across the wall and locked with Gina's. He'd slipped and they both knew it. Quickly shifting his concentration back to the blank envelope, he frowned at it, angry with himself.
Gina had already learned that pushing didn't work with Ryan and this little incident proved he would talk, or slip, when he was ready. Trying to make sure salt wasn't poured on an open wound, Gina opted to skip delving into his statement. Instead, "I'll tell you what, you've got a letter to wrap up and it's time for dinner. So I'm going to let you finish that and I'm going to check on how things are in the kitchen. I know you're really worn out and could use some sleep. You had a busy day today. Just please promise me you won't skip dinner."
Ryan nodded again, still avoiding eye contact, and Gina walked toward the kitchen. He was tremendously relieved that Gina didn't prod into another conversation about his past or his feelings. Sitting down he finished his envelope and put it in the basket. He tapped his pen on the desk and replayed his comment to Gina in his head. Whether he liked it or not, Pandora's box had just been opened.
Ryan remained quiet through dinner, only replying to comments made directly to him. When the meal ended, he did his share of clean up before retreating upstairs for an early shower and then to bed.
Wanting to make sure, she entered the dorm. "Ryan, are you up here?"
Upon hearing her voice Ryan wrestled to sit himself up on his bunk.
"Oh don't get up, no need. I'm just making sure you're okay."
"Can't stay awake," Ryan yawned, laying back down.
"That's okay. There's a lot of guys that turn in early," she explained straightening his blanket a bit. She was shocked when Ryan's eyes flew open and stared at her momentarily. She couldn't read his face. It was just…blank. When he finally did turn away from her, she noticed him lock his vision on the photo of his foster family on the wall by his bunk. His chest was rising and falling quickly, but quietly…clearly she had infringed on sacred ground. "I'm sorry Ryan. I should have left your blanket alone. Get some rest. I'll see you in the morning."
Ryan didn't say a word. Gently closing the door to the dorm, Gina hurried downstairs to her office and pulled out her tablet and Ryan's file. She wanted to get some notes down while everything was still fresh in her mind.
Sunday evening 8:20pm
Checked on juvenile, Ryan Atwood – turned down early for bed.
For the 2nd time today, juvenile (Ryan) has shown positive emotion towards foster family. A simple tuck of a blanket by his sponsor (Gina Thompson) seemed to trigger feelings of home – with his foster family. Sponsor will continue to watch for positive interaction regarding foster family. To this point, juvenile has shown very few, and only negative emotions for birth mother. Pending further interaction with this juvenile, early indications show foster family may be a better environment for him.
Ripping the paper from the notebook, Gina quickly copied the same information into her computer under Ryan's file and then placed her handwritten note in his hard copy file. Turning off her light, she locked her office door and went to check on the boys that were in the family room.
When the morning alarm went off on Ryan's third day at The Ranch, he rubbed his eyes awake and sat up with a yawn. He truly hated these early hours, but he was getting used to them. The days were moving pretty fast now. He had a pretty good hold on his schedule and he was kept busy most of the time. He'd even reached a point where he looked forward to working with Maggie every day because that really wasn't 'work'. From five a.m. until four p.m., he was constantly on the go with very little time to consider anything else. Ryan was glad about that. His mind drifted to Seth's crazy comment about how quickly the days would go…'before you know it, it's dinner time, then it's bedtime, and poof! Another day went by!' He'd have to write that in his next letter to the Cohens. He knew Seth would get a kick out of that. Letters. The Cohens. It was his third day on The Ranch and he still hadn't heard anything.
Checking the clock he knew Gina would be coming in any minute announcing the 'Mail Call'. Without giving it a second thought, Ryan ducked out of the family room and cut through the kitchen on his way to the back door. The front porch was one of his favorite places to be alone, but Gina knew that and she would find him there. She hadn't really said a whole lot to him since his slip up with the letter and he was up for keeping it that way.
On his way through the kitchen he noticed some apples slices left on a plate. Whoever left them, they were obviously done with them since they were turning a bit brown on the edges from sitting out in the air for so long. Grabbing a napkin, Ryan took the last four slices, folded them into the napkin and put it in his pocket.
Crossing the back lot, Ryan tugged on the barn door and went inside. Several of the horses came to their gates wondering who had entered the barn. Walking down the center, Ryan passed them all until he came to Maggie's stall. Taking a deep breath, he folded his arms on the top of the gate and looked at Maggie, who was all too happy to walk over to him, forcing his off her gate.
"Hey Maggie," he greeted, stroking her nose. "You can't come out right now. I just thought I'd stop by. They're doing mail in there and you know I hate that."
The horse shook her mane as if she understood.
"I wish the Cohens could see you. I think they'd like you. They'd never believe you and I work together the way we do. Seth would never believe I know how to ride. We should make him a bet, we could make a lot of money. I would never have dreamed in a million years I'd ever even cross paths with a horse, let alone be anxious to see one every day. That just doesn't happen where I come from. Lucky for you, you've never had the undesirable experience of going to Chino. There's nothing there but trouble and disappointment…and my real mom is there. Point proven."
Maggie lowered her head as if she were showing interest in Ryan's story.
"No really, you don't want to meet her. I wouldn't want you to meet her. She made my life hell. Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids…and she's one of them. I hope the judge doesn't send me back there. I don't want anything to do with her. The Cohens, they made a difference you know? They showed me my life doesn't have to be like that."
Maggie tipped her head at Ryan in understanding. Dropping her nose lower she took a sudden interest in his jacket pocket.
"Hey hey, what are you doing?" Ryan laughed, backing away while Maggie stretched her neck even longer at the scent emanating from his pocket. "Well that didn't take long for you to find." Reaching into his pocket he retrieved the apple slices. Maggie shifted her weight with anticipation. Serving up a slice at a time, Ryan held the snack under Maggie's nose. When the last slice was gone, he wadded up the napkin and put it back in his pocket.
"You slimed my hand Maggie. That's not very ladylike," he smiled. "Just don't tell Gina I gave that to you. I don't need to get in any more trouble. I just want to go back home."
A noise caught Ryan's attention and when he looked up, he was horrified to find a smiling Gina leaning against one of the gates with her hands behind her back.
With his smile immediately wiped away, "How long have you been standing there?"
"Longer than you'd like," she admitted candidly, causing Ryan to frown and turn his attention back to Maggie. "I'm very proud of you Ryan."
"For what?"
"For finding someone you trust to talk to."
"She's a horse," he answered matter-of-factly.
"That she is. But she's also a wonderful listener and a great secret keeper. Don't worry Ryan I'm not going to start prying. I was concerned when I didn't see you on the porch. I thought you might have come here so I checked," she explained walking up to Ryan and Maggie, her hands still behind her observantly. "I had to make sure I found you."
Ryan snorted at the comment. "Everybody still thinks I'm gonna run," he said, shaking his head with disappointment.
"Oh that's not the case at all. I had to find you in order to give you this." Bringing her hands forward, she held an envelope out to Ryan. "You got mail today."
A combination of shock and confusion crossed Ryan's face. "I did?"
"Uh huh. I know it's been a concern for you so I wanted to give it to you as soon as possible."
Taking the envelope into his own hand, Ryan scanned the return address. It was from the Cohens. He could feel his heart racing with anticipation.
"I'm sure Maggie won't mind if you go read that alone. She understands about private things."
Ryan nodded, his head still in a fog. "Thanks," was all he could muster. After about six steps he paused and turned around. "Gina? Exactly how much did you hear?"
Stroking Maggie's giant nose. "Oh not much at all, I just saw you giving an apple slice to Maggie and telling her not to snitch on you."
"Are you angry that I gave her that?" Ryan asked.
"No not at all. These horses are like my children and I'm always happy when you boys are extra good to them."
Content with Gina's answer, Ryan walked quickly out of the barn, closing the door behind him.
Gina smiled and did a little dance in front of Maggie. "Oooo Mags! We're getting somewhere! Don't tell him I heard it all. He doesn't need to know that part. It'll be our little secret. Just keep wrapping him around your hoof. He's gonna come around. We just have to have some patience with that one."
Meanwhile Ryan walked across the front of the house, down the steps and under one of the trees to a picnic table. He sat with his back to the house so no one could see his face while he read his letter. His heart pounded as he tore open the envelope. Unfolding the paper, he tried to brace himself for whatever news the letter brought.
Dear Ryan,
Well, you've only been gone for fifteen minutes and I've already cracked out the stationary! At this rate, my letter will get to The Ranch before you do! I just know we are all going to go crazy without you since we can't come visit you up there. I hope you know if we could we'd be there to see you.
We are all hoping the time goes by quickly, as I'm sure you are too. Seth is planning to re-catalog his comic books. I'm not sure what that means, but he says it's a large project that should keep him busy for a while. Sandy is planning on updating the programs on the computer in the office. It will be wonderful if he can do it but he's going to drive me nuts! Bill Gates he is not! Ha ha! As for me…I don't know what I'll do without out you! I've walked in and out of the pool house a dozen times already. (Sigh) So, I did what any other woman would do when one of her son's is away from home for a while…I pulled out some of your leftover chocolate cake and dished myself up a double dose of soothing creaminess! Oh…I probably shouldn't have said that! Don't worry, we'll get more when you come home and you can have the whole thing! (If you can fight off Seth that is)!
I could go on and on about how much we all miss you and how we will be thinking about you every minute of every day, wondering what you are doing and wondering what The Ranch is like. We hope things are a bit more tolerable here. Hopefully it's better than Juvie was.
I'm sure your days are busy, but if you have some down time, please send us a note so we know you are doing okay.
We're counting the days until we can bring you home. Hang in there, we're very proud of you and we love you!
Love,
Sandy, Kirsten and Seth
Ryan read the letter over two or three times. He was glad to be farther away from the house so no one could see the dorky smile on his face. Relief seeped from every pore in his body. He was ashamed of himself for thinking less of the Cohens, for jumping to conclusions. He realized now how ridiculous it was to think they had left him at The Ranch to be forgotten. Folding the letter he looked out over the hillside. He felt revived, rejuvenated and ready to face The Ranch head on.
Slipping the letter back in the envelope, he stood up and walked back to the house. It didn't come as a shock to find Gina lurking just inside the doorway.
Ryan tipped his head at her. "You don't have to watch me every minute of every day you know."
"But it's my job sweetie," she smiled. "You only pay attention when I'm watching you. I treat all my boys the same and I follow what all of you are doing, and more importantly, how all of you are doing."
Ryan realized maybe it was a good time to accept Gina as one of the good guys. "I know I haven't exactly been nice to you since I came here," he paused. "I'm sorry."
"I appreciate that Ryan. It's nice to hear something like that every once in a while." There was an awkward silence before she continued. "So I take it everything was okay…with your letter?"
Ryan fought the urge to put his defenses back up. "Yeah um, it's good. I guess…they really miss me."
"Well that's great news! That's wonderful! That should help put your mind at ease a bit."
Ryan nodded and let a smile sneak out. "Yeah it does." Feeling a bit sheepish about the way he was acting, Ryan decided to move on. "I better put this away. I have to help the guys in the kitchen soon."
"Sounds like a good idea. I'll see you at dinner."
Gina waited for Ryan to bound up the stairs before she stole away to her office and pulled out her tablet again.
Tuesday 5pm
Ryan Atwood
Juvenile (Ryan) received a letter from his foster family today – his third full day on The Ranch. While the sponsor (Gina Thompson) is not aware of the contents of the letter, it is apparent that it came as a relief to the Juvenile. His personality since receiving the letter is spirited and charged. Clearly his foster family is his new world. Clearly they are the ones that made a difference in his life. And clearly that is the family this juvenile belongs with. Sponsor to send recommendation to the courts at the end of juvenile's sentence to be permanently placed with his foster family.
(TBC)…
A/N: Thank you everyone for the blessings and well wishes for Baby Chino! The personal emails were wonderful: D Thank you! Thank you: D
I gotta say, I was relieved that the previous chapter (Baby Steps) was so well received! I was worried about that one! I thought either folks will like it or they'll think it's cheesy! LOL! And…I'm glad the horse lovers among us approve as well! I haven't been near a horse since I was in 6th grade! LOL! Being 35 now…yeah it's been a while! Thank God my memory still works! I hope the current chapter is just as enjoyable. I hope to be back soon with another one!
