Bad Behavior 20
Fear of the Unknown
Dawn's hand shook as she raised her cigarette to her lips. She watched other passengers boarding the bus and she nervously danced back and forth, shifting her weight. She still wasn't sure this was the right thing to do. Looking back at the door to the terminal she wrestled with her decision.
"Last call!" the driver announced.
With one last drag on her cigarette, she tossed the butt on the sidewalk and willed herself forward. Holding her ticket out to the driver, she felt as if her heart was ready to jump of her chest. Once her ticket was validated, with one foot on the first step of the bus she paused again staring at the door to the terminal. It wasn't too late. She could still change her mind.
"Lady, you getting on or not?" an impatient ticket holder complained from behind her.
Turning abruptly, Dawn climbed aboard the bus. Rushing past many open seats, she seated herself next to a window in the middle of the bus. She watched a few late stragglers run to the bus with their tickets in hand. It wasn't too late. She could still get off. She didn't have to do this. But somehow she lost herself in her thoughts and before she knew it, the scenery outside was moving. Pushing herself back against the seat, she held her breath. She really was going to do this. Maybe she'd regret it, maybe she wouldn't. But unless she wanted to get off the bus in the middle of nowhere, there was no turning back now. On the verge of a meltdown, she reached into her backpack and pulled out her flask. Taking a hearty slug, she sat back and waited for the numbness to follow.
Ryan was pleased that time at The Ranch was indeed going by rather quickly. In retrospect, his first week was one big blur when he considered what he'd learned and accomplished during that time. Half of his sentence here was done. Sitting on his bunk, he toweled off his wet hair before glancing at the photo of the Cohens. A crooked smile snuck onto his face. One more week, just one more and he'd be back home with them. His smile faded though when he blinked with the reality that it could very well be his last week with the Cohens. He couldn't ignore the custody hearing that was still looming and no one knew how that would turn out. He heard Kirsten's words in his head, "We're not going to think about that now. Today is about our family." Sandy had called them 'the Cohens plus one, an unbeatable combination.' Ryan hoped, now more than ever, that statement would hold true when his hearing rolled around.
Ryan's thoughts were interrupted when Gina came into the room.
"Hey Ryan. I have something for you."
Ryan watched Gina open a Kodak envelope and remove some photos. She had pulled out about seven photos before she handed them to Ryan.
"Now you know I took a couple of these, but there's a few in here that you didn't know about. Whichever the case, they're your photos and you can do what you like with them. You can add them to your wall there or you can send them home to your family. Whatever you want. Enjoy."
"Thanks." Ryan's attention had turned to the photos she handed him. He didn't even hear her leave the room. Flipping through the photos brought his smile back. Gina had captured some really good times on The Ranch. There were a few with Ryan and Maggie. Only one was a posed photo, the rest were a surprise to see. Even Ryan could see how relaxed he was in the photos. He looked…calm. He couldn't even remember ever being calm. He liked that he looked…normal. The other photos showed him and his dorm-mates. Some of them when they were doing chores, one was of them sitting at the picnic table laughing and playing cards. Ryan had no idea Gina took that photo. It was the last photo that made him snort a breath to himself. Gina had snapped a photo of him asleep against the railing on the front porch at the end of his first full day. In only a week's time he'd come a long way already and he was proud of himself for what he'd achieved.
Keeping one photo of him and Maggie for his wall, he decided to send the others to the Cohens. They wanted to know what The Ranch was about and Ryan was pleased with the story the photos told.
Downstairs at the big desk, he sat down and wrote another little note to the Cohens. Clearly mailing photos was a regular occurrence because Ryan found stiff mailing envelopes labeled "photos enclosed – do not bend" on the desk. Addressing his envelope, he doubled stamped it for the weight and tossed it in the basket. He wished he could see the Cohens reactions when they saw the photos. 'One more week' he kept reminding himself. One more week and he'd be going home.
Ryan's thoughts were distracted again, this time by shouting in the kitchen. Curious to see what was going on, Ryan cautiously walked down the hallway. It appeared Frankie was having an argument with Gina and some of the other staff.
"How could she do this!" he screamed. "I didn't do anything wrong! I did not to anything wrong!"
"Frankie, calm down," Gina stated calmly, trying to get a grip on the situation.
"The hell with this! She got what she wanted!"
"Frankie…"
"Just leave me alone!" he screamed again, his voice swallowed up by his emotions.
Rushing down the hallway, Frankie all but ran over Ryan on his way out the door. Soon after came Gina, also emotional. She paused when she got to Ryan.
"What happened?" Ryan asked, shocked at the scene before him.
"Ryan, I'm not at liberty to say."
"Is he okay?"
She hesitated. "No."
"Let me talk to him."
Before Gina could protest, Ryan doubled back down the hallway and out the front door after Frankie. It took a moment before Ryan noticed him kneeling in the grass just past the picnic table. Running across the lawn, Ryan stopped just short of Frankie.
"Hey…Frankie what happened?"
When Ryan saw Frankie's face, he felt a pain pierce his chest. Frankie was one of the most upbeat guys at The Ranch and to see him like this, Ryan knew there was a serious problem behind it.
"What happened? What's wrong?" Ryan asked again.
Sobbing, Frankie held a yellow envelope out to Ryan. The sight of the envelope turned Ryan's stomach. He knew that envelope was from the State. Gingerly he took it from Frankie. Pulling the notice from inside, Ryan could feel his mouth going dry as he read it. "Renee Reese (Birth Mother) relinquishes all custody, rights and interest in Frank Reese (Juvenile Son). As of this date, the Juvenile will be remanded as a Ward of the State."
Ryan didn't need to read any further. Those two sentences said it all. His mother had abandoned him. Ryan felt a shiver shoot up his spine. Tossing the notice on the grass, Ryan put his hand on Frankie's back.
"Listen to me man. We don't need them. Guys like us, we've been taking care of ourselves for a long time and we've done damn fine without them. If that's the best Mom she can be, you don't need her. Frankie I'm no different. My Mom is just as bad. Did she send me a notice like this? No she didn't. But she also won't let me go. She's keeping her claws on me so I don't have a choice but to deal with her. This is not bad news man. You'll be eighteen next year. You can do anything you want with your life at that point. Fuck the system and fuck your mom. You can be anything you want man, and there's not a damn thing she can do about it. You're going to be okay."
Frankie raised his head to look at Ryan. They had an understanding, two boys with broken lives.
"I don't know man. I just…I didn't deserve this. It's not fair!"
"I didn't deserve anything I got either. But that's part of what drives me to move on. Frankie I want to be someone, I want my life to go somewhere. Someday I'll finish school and have a job and maybe a family of my own and I'll take great pleasure knowing she had nothing to do with what I achieved and knowing my life wasn't being thrown away in the bottom of a bottle. That's how you come out ahead Frankie. Do not let her hold you back. If you let this bring you down and you throw your life away because of it, she wins. Now I don't know how you feel, but I'm not going to let my drunk, train-wreck of a Mother win. I'm going all the way with this one and I'm not looking back. You gotta do the same thing. You do that, you'll be just fine."
Frankie nodded his head. He liked Ryan's theory. "Ryan man, what are you going to do if they send you back to Chino?"
Drawing in a deep breath, Ryan dropped his head down. "I'll run. I promised the Cohens I wouldn't run any more as long as I was living there and I promised Judge Whitney I wouldn't run from here or from the Cohens…I didn't make anyone any promises about Chino."
"Yeah but…"
"I'd rather live on the street that with my Mom."
Again, Frankie nodded. "Thanks for the talk man. I needed that." Rubbing his sleeved arm across his face, he wiped away his tears.
"Any time man. Guys like us have to have a 'plan B' for everything. No different than boosting a car right? If that ignition doesn't cooperate, then you gotta pop the hood and stick that screwdriver in there right?" Laughing, Ryan stood up and offered a hand to Frankie and pulled him up.
Chuckling, "Yeah you know it!" Frankie answered before giving Ryan a 'guy hug'. "Thanks man."
"Don't worry man. What happens on the grass stays on the grass, right?"
Still chuckling, "Right. At this rate we'll have secrets laying all over the place!"
"Come on, let's go inside. You know Gina's going to be looking for you."
"Looks like she already found me."
Ryan looked up to see Gina standing rather close to them. "Frankie you okay?"
"Yeah, Gina. Ryan had some words of wisdom. I feel a lot better. I'm going to go in and catch a shower. See you guys inside."
With Frankie out of the picture, Ryan dreaded what would come out of Gina's mouth next. Surely she overheard their conversation.
"Could I talk to you for a minute Ryan?"
"Let me guess, Pandora's box just crashed to the ground?"
"Mmm, not quite, but it's definitely open." Gina watched Ryan cross his arms over his chest and tip his head a bit. He was visibly putting up his defenses right in front of her. "I really only have a question or two. I was wondering if you really believed what you told Frankie or if you just spun him a line to calm him down."
"Does it matter?"
"Sure it does."
Ryan stood silent, back on lockdown mode.
"Ryan, please answer me," she requested softly.
Sighing a deep breath of disgust, "The only way I can ever get even with my Mom for what she put me through is to not throw away my life the way she wasted hers."
"I see."
"No. You really don't. I don't want to have anything to do with her." Ryan watched Gina for a moment. When she didn't say anything further, "I'm going to go watch some TV with the guys."
Gina had acquired a pretty clear idea of Ryan's life, ironically, through overheard conversations. He was still a tough nut to crack, but he made it abundantly clear that he wanted his life to go somewhere and that alone was priceless. Gina decided right then and there to back off of Ryan a bit and see what else would turn up.
Kirsten set her cell phone down on the coffee table and rubbed her temples. She'd been battling contractors all morning and needed a break. Just as she stood up to refill her cup of coffee, the doorbell rang. Rolling her neck to crack the stress out of it, she shuffled to the door and got the shock of a lifetime when she opened it.
"Oh, Mrs. Atwood," she stuttered.
"Hi," Dawn smiled tentatively. "I was wondering if we could talk?"
Still mind-boggled, Kirsten nodded and opened the door farther, waving Dawn in.
"Wow. No wonder Ryan wants to live here. It's like a castle."
"Oh….really it's…well…my Father owns a development firm…he um, he builds these."
"Wow. My Dad was a B.B. gun champion but you can't really compare the two I guess," she remarked nervously.
An awkward silence filled the air.
"Um, I was just going to get a cup of coffee. Would you like some?" Kirsten offered.
"Sure."
"Follow me. We'll sit in the kitchen."
Once in the kitchen, Kirsten poured two fresh cups of coffee and set out some sugar and cream before taking a seat across from Dawn at the kitchen table.
"So," Kirsten initiated. "How…how did you get here? You didn't take a cab all the way here did you?'
"No, no. I um, I took two buses and a cab."
"Wow. You really, really wanted to get here then."
"I did. Look, I'll be honest with you. I don't know what I'm going to do yet…as far as the custody case. I just, I wanted to see…IF…if I let him go…"
"You wanted to see what sort of life he'd have," Kirsten stated flatly, finishing her sentence for her. Kirsten was flabbergasted by the fact that this 'so called Mother' was still deciding whether or not she wanted her own son.
"Yeah," Dawn agreed.
"Well, what do you want to know?"
"Nothing and everything I guess," Dawn chuckled nervously.
"Okay, um, Sandy and I have been married for almost twenty years. Our son, Seth, is the same age as Ryan. It took some time, but the boys get along really well with each other. Actually, Seth took to Ryan the minute he got here but Ryan needed some time to get used to Seth. I love Seth but he can be quite the chatterbox. It would be an adjustment for anyone." Kirsten noticed Dawn seemed to be absorbing every word she said and she was more than happy to be leaving a positive impression about Ryan's life in Newport. "What else? The boys both go to Harbor High School. It's one of the top schools in the state. Ryan got his first report card roughly two weeks ago and he got mostly B's and a couple of A's in there."
"You're kidding me. I can't believe that. He was flunking most of his classes back in Chino…of course, he was skipping school too."
"No, he's…he's doing really well here. We're very proud of him."
Another awkward silence filled this air. This time Kirsten didn't know what to say to break it. Luckily Dawn managed to come up with something…anything.
"So this is where he eats his breakfast huh?" Dawn managed to spit out while rubbing her hand across the smooth tabletop.
"Actually the boys like to sit over there at the breakfast bar. They usually have bagels or a bowl of cereal. Ryan seems to really enjoy the bagels." Kirsten paused, contemplating whether or not to open the can of worms she was considering. In the end, she gave in.
"Would you like to see Ryan's room?"
Nodding anxiously, "Yes. Could I?"
"Sure. Come on."
Crossing the patio, they entered the pool house. "So, this is it."
"What's it? This entire house he gets?"
"Yes. We include Ryan in everything we do but he still likes his privacy at times so in here he can sleep, do his homework. He's got his own bathroom with a shower back there. He has a small refrigerator behind the counter there but he prefers to come into the house and get something to eat or drink."
"This is really nice. Doesn't he…get into trouble out here though?"
"When he first got here, he snuck out and came home drunk. And he did have a girl in here once."
"Oh my God. He didn't puke on anything, did he?"
"Well, he threw up on the floor by the front door and when I brought him in here, he decided he needed to urinate, but he couldn't stand up by himself so I had to hold him up in the bathroom so he could…go."
"Oh my God." Dawn flushed with embarrassment. "I'm…I'm so sorry."
"Don't be embarrassed. He's sixteen. It's his job to get into trouble. And with his past…"
Dawn stared at Kirsten. "Sounds like…like you're really patient with him."
"Dawn, he's a good kid. He really is."
"You're clearly one of those Moms that really have their act together. I'm…I'm more of a train-wreck. Well, that's what Ryan would say."
Kirsten noticed Dawn was wringing her hands.
"I don't think anyone realizes how hard this is on me," Dawn offered, taking a seat in the infamous warden's chair. "This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life," she sobbed.
Kirsten sat down on the edge of Ryan's bed. She wanted the truth and she was willing to ask for it.
"Dawn, as a Mother to a Mother…why don't you want him?"
The question cut right to the heart of the matter and didn't allow any room for vague answers.
"Truth is, I'm terrified to make him come home…and I'm terrified to let him go," she whispered. "That day all of you came to Chino, when I lost my temper and hit him in front of you…whether I bring him back to Chino or not, I know I've already lost him."
"He just wants what any other kid would want. He wants a home that he feels safe in. He wants a Mom that will take care of him. He's not asking for the world."
"I don't know what I'd do without him. I mean, yeah he's been gone for a while now but I guess I always thought he'd come back home."
"I don't envy the position you're in. It's also a decision I can't make for you. The only thing I can do is assure you that 'if' Ryan were to come live with us permanently, we would treat him the same way we'd treat Seth. We'd see to it that he finished school and that he'd have a future. I can honestly say, on behalf of my entire family, we've grown to love him. We consider him a part of our family. If he did return to Chino, we would make sure he knew he could count on us at any time, for any thing. Our home and our hearts will always be open to him no matter what the court decides. When this thing is over, someone will be unhappy about the outcome. Someone will be upset over losing Ryan. We all just need to remember the goal was to find what's best for Ryan."
Dawn nodded silently. Glancing around the room she took in every nook and cranny, which only upset her more. She could never offer Ryan anything even remotely close to this. Hell, his bed at her house didn't even have a blanket. She'd seen enough.
"You don't have any aspirin in that kitchen of yours, do you? I could really use some."
"Sure. Let's go, I'll get it for you."
Back in the main house Dawn swallowed up the aspirin and sat herself down on the couch in the den. It didn't take long before she found something else that upset her. Leaning forward, she gently picked up a picture frame from the coffee table. Her eyes welled with tears as she took in the photo beyond the glass.
When Kirsten sat down next to her with fresh refills on their coffee, she was surprised to see the photo was so upsetting to Dawn.
"Is…everything okay?" she asked.
Shaking her head, she sobbed again. "You have a picture of him smiling. I'm his Mother and I don't even have a picture of him smiling."
Kirsten glanced at the photo. It was the water balloon photo, all three of the men in her house, dripping wet and smiling from ear to ear. Ryan included.
"I'm sorry to have taken up so much of your time today," Dawn stated abruptly. "I shouldn't have bothered you. I really should get going." Clearly flustered, she attempted to gather her things. With her sobs getting more and more frequent, she rushed through the house to the front door. She turned to say some final words to Kirsten but instead found herself overcome with emotion. To her shock, Kirsten stepped forward and gave her a firm hug. More and more she was starting to understand why Ryan liked it here.
At a loss for words, Kirsten offered a small but sympathetic smile before Dawn hurried out the door.
Now that was an unexpected experience.
Walking back to the den, Kirsten sat down by her cup of coffee and picked up the photo that had sparked so much emotion. Ryan was smiling. Dawn said she didn't have a photo of Ryan smiling. Suddenly the incident Sandy had mentioned from his trip to Chino came to mind. Kirsten could picture the photos strewn across her house and it was beginning to make sense. She was looking for one of Ryan smiling. In her mind, even one photo of him smiling would show maybe she wasn't as bad a Mom as she'd discovered. Kirsten stared at the photo a moment longer and spoke to Ryan out loud…
"Well kid, all we can do is hope she comes to her senses. Sadly, that still leaves everything in the air. Either she'll think you're better off here in Newport and she'll sign your papers. Maybe she'll stop drinking, though probably not, and take you back to Chino."
Kirsten frowned at the later thought. She still thought sending Ryan back to Chino would be an enormous mistake. And, between Sandy's trip to Chino and Dawn's trip to Newport, they were no further along in reaching a decision than they were a month ago.
Looking at Ryan's happy face, Kirsten's heart ached for the boy she'd grown to love. She could only hope and pray the future held something positive for them all.
(TBC)…
