Sydney opened her eyes slowly, not really wanting to wake up. Trying to put some reason to Vaughn's irrational reaction the previous night was next to impossible. Sleeping had become her best option.
"You need to wake up."
She heard Sark's voice before she saw him. "Don't wanna," she mumbled trying to fall asleep again as soon as possible.
The couch shifted beside her as he sat down. "You can't just sleep forever. You're going to have to wake up and deal with whatever's going through your head."
She sat up and looked at him, sleepily. "I thought you said I could hide away here for the weekend."
"I said you could physically hide here. I don't want to see you emotionally hiding. It's cowardly." He shrugged off the glare she sent his way. "It's the truth. You're an incredibly strong and sexy woman. You shouldn't have to hide from anything."
The blush that spread across her face was incredibly endearing. "I just don't want to think about what the people I love did to me."
Sark reached out and grasped her hand. "I know it's hard to deal with. I've been living with this kind of thing for years, though. My life has just been chock full of disappointments, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel bad for me. I'm extremely comfortable with my life so far. I just wanted to let you know that it does get easier to handle."
"How quickly does the hurt go away?" she asked softly.
"It doesn't," he said after a moment of hesitation. "The hurt will always be there. It just gets easier to handle."
Sydney didn't respond to him at first. After a few minutes of silence that was beginning to border on a little uncomfortable, she finally said what was on her mind. "When did you get so thick-skinned?"
"Somewhere between my mother dying and the nuns at the boarding school telling me that no one would ever care enough to show me love."
She was about to tease him for laying it on thick for the second time in five minutes when she caught a look in his eyes. She had to use all her self-control not to gasp. He was telling the truth. "When did things change between you and I?" she wondered out loud, determined to shift the subject to another topic. "I mean, here we are, sitting in your home. You're actually opening yourself up to me. When did we get like this?"
"Honestly?" He pulled her close to him. "I think it might have been when you chucked a shot glass at my head because you were piss drunk." She chuckled. "You remember that?"
"Yeah. That was another moment of pain caused by Michael Vaughn."
Sark winced. The bitterness hadn't lessened at all in the twenty hours she'd been at his house. "Let's leave that man out of our conversation unless you're ready to deal with how much he's hurt you." She grinned at him with a wicked flare in her eye. "What are you thinking about? Hopefully not the man we just agreed to not bring up again."
She laughed loudly, and Sark was surprised to find himself thinking it was charming.
"I'm remembering where that conversation ended up," she said, grinning at him.
Flashes of memory of being in bed with Sydney ran through his head. "Yeah. That was a good place. We should go there more often."
Without warning, he felt Sydney begin to cry. It threw him for a loop. Mood swings weren't usually her cup of tea. Rather quickly, it all made sense. "The hurt's kicking in again." She nodded. "Do you want me to cheer you up?" She nodded again.
Sark pulled Sydney onto his lap. "Do you know the first moment I realized how much I loved you?" He felt her stiffen. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"
She squirmed slightly in his arms. "No. It's just this is all so new to me. You've adjusted to it so well, but I just can't fathom it."
"I know. It must be hard to adjust to the fact that you once loved a murderer."
"It's not so hard when you're being like this." She leaned her head up against his chest. "Why are you acting like this?"
"Not sure. I guess you bring out the best in me, Sydney. You always have. And I have a feeling that in our time together with the Covenant, I didn't have much of an opportunity to let you know how much you meant to me."
"I imagine we spent a lot of time arguing," she said thoughtfully.
"You and I can't carry on a conversation without a little bickering. I've always found it to be one of your more charming traits."
"I don't understand it, either. I'm never this way with Vaughn."
"I thought we weren't going to bring him up." Sark pushed her away slightly so that he could look her in the eye. "Does this mean you're ready to start talking about how you're feeling?"
"I don't want to talk about it," she insisted. "It's too painful."
"You're going to have to start talking about it sometime. The sooner you do it, the quicker the pain will lessen."
"I thought you said you weren't going to pressure me," Sydney said, sliding off of his lap and onto the other side of the couch. "You said I could have a pressure-free weekend here."
"I'm not going to pressure you."
"That's what you doing. You're trying to get me to talk about things I don't want to."
Sark took a deep breath. "I don't want you to keep it locked up inside. Right now, I'm the only one you have, Syd. And I know from experience if you don't talk to someone about what happened, it would only get worst. I never had anyone to do that with, and look where it's got me. Before you bulldozed your way into my life, it wasn't that charming."
"I don't bulldoze," she said with a pout.
"Honey, you have no other way of entering a scene. You're a bulldozer."
"And you're a jackass," she growled.
"Duly noted." He smirked to himself. "But that wasn't something you just learned, was it?"
"No. That was something I've known for years. I just haven't seen that side of you in a while."
He sighed. "I'm not trying to be like the bastard you think I am. Someone has to give you a little tough love. You're hurting right now, but you have to be upfront about what happened. Ignoring it is not going to change anything."
She knew her yelling was almost completely irrational. After all, the man had just opened up his home to her when she was the most pathetic soaking wet ball of tears. She had expected herself to try to avoid the situation. What she hadn't expected was that Sark would know her enough to realize that was what she was doing and call her on it.
Sydney stood up. "I'm going to take a shower."
Sark nodded and turned his attention away from her. She paused at the door as a weird feeling washed over her. All of the sudden, she was scared that the things she had said had hurt him. Maybe he was just being polite to her while he waited for a chance to kick her out. The possibility of that was heart wrenching.
She turned back to face him, sitting on the couch. "What's the matter, Syd?" he asked, noticing the strange look on her face.
"Promise me you'll be here when I come back."
"I'm not going anywhere," he said with conviction.
With a weak but genuine smile, she left the room.
He tried to ignore the thought that kept creeping into his head as he worked his way through another ridiculous, mass-produced American sitcom. It worked for about half an hour before it got too much for him. It was next to impossible for a healthy man to ignore the fact that Sydney Bristow was ten yards away, completely naked.
"And I'm just sitting on the couch. What is wrong with this picture?" He turned the TV off with the remote and sighed. "If only I knew it wouldn't scare her half to death if I acted on impulse and joined her."
Figuring no matter how clever he could be there was no way he could find a way to get Sydney to accept a willing partner to wash her back, he pulled the cell phone out of his pocket and dialed a familiar number. "Mikhail. I want to apologize about not showing up this morning. There was some important business that I couldn't put off."
"Mr. Sark, you shouldn't be contacting me. I told you that the meeting I set up was the only one I could manage. My boss does not like the fact that you are jerking him around."
"I told you that business came up. I need you to get me another meeting."
"Impossible."
"Nothing's impossible. Do it," he demanded.
"Even if I did do it, what then? Would you just blow it off like the first one?"
"Don't take that tone with me. You're just a lowly contact of mine who happens to be very useful to me right now. You're convenient, but I don't need you."
"I will take any tone I want with you. I hold the power. And I don't like it when I have to explain to the boss that the meeting I begged for is not going to take place because Mr. Sark got a little- how do you say it- frisky?"
"What are you insinuating?"
"I do my research. Mr. Sark has a soft spot for letting his hormones come before his work. You see, I watch my back. I know that your important business was some hot brunette who came to your doorstep. The boss does not like to be passed over for some bimbo that gets you going."
Sark took a moment to calm himself before he started screaming things that would assure a future meeting with Mikhail's boss would never take place. "That woman is the most lethal spy I have ever met. So, don't use words like that in connection with her."
"Have I hit a nerve?"
"Why are you goading me, Mikhail? You know I can have you killed."
"You wouldn't dare. Besides, if you did, I'm sure there might be retaliation. Not towards you, but your little spy whore might have an accident."
"Do not threaten her," he growled. "She is the only good thing I have going in my life right now. I would rather never know the answers I've been seeking than leave her in pain with no one to turn to." He swore silently to himself. He was giving this guy way too much information that could be used against him. "I have my loyalties," he said seriously, hoping to steer the conversation back on track.
"And they all seem to be for her."
"Damn right! She's the only thing worth the effort," Sark screamed. He was beginning to realize that this whole conversation might have been a mistake. "I don't know why I'm even talking with you about this."
"Because you need me."
"Just work on setting up another meeting," he hissed, slamming the phone shut and throwing it onto the coffee table. He rubbed the corners of his eyes, trying to phase out the headache that was forming before it really started pounding.
"That was a nice show," Sydney said from the doorway.
"What did you hear?" he asked without looking over at her. He didn't want to see her look of disgust at the fact he was conducting business with a man as shady as Mikhail. Since Sydney had come into his life, he had found himself trying to be a little more respectable in his dealings. It was not good to let on that he was slipping back to some of his old, less respectful contacts.
"Just that I'm the only good thing in your life right now."
"Oh. Well, as long as it was just that." He sighed knowing that he was going to have to do some fancy talking to keep her from being scared from that comment. "Listen, Sydney. I know what--"
His voice caught in his throat as he looked at her for the first time. She was standing in the doorway to his bedroom wearing only a towel. Her hair was wet and clinging to her neck, begging him to walk over and brush it away from her. It was taking all his will power to keep from physically attacking her on the spot.
She smiled at him and sauntered over to sit down next to him. "I was standing in the shower thinking about you."
"Sydney," he warned. "Be careful what you say to me right now. I'm not in the right mind."
She giggled. "I want to know the first moment you realized you loved me."
"Have you been drinking while you were taking a shower?"
She glared at him. "Don't be stupid."
"Go put some clothes on," he demanded abruptly.
"But I want to know," she pouted."Go put some clothes on now."
"Do I make you uncomfortable?"
"Horribly, yes."
"Fine." She walked into the bedroom and returned a few minutes later wearing one of his sweatshirts and a pair of cotton shorts. "I'm clothed. You can relax now."
"I can never relax when you're within five hundred feet of me, Sydney. It's a curse."
"It's good to know that I still have that effect on men."
"I don't think you'll ever lose it." He leaned back against the back of the couch. "So what took so long in the shower?"
"I had a lot to think through. You said some things earlier that didn't sit too well with me at first." She sighed and sat next to him. "Something happened to me when I was in that bathroom. I don't want to have a breakdown. I really don't. It would satisfy them too much."
"That's the stubbornness I like to see."
"My father and Dixon were right to try to keep me from you."
"What?" he yelled, looking furious.
"I'm not saying I agree," she amended quickly. "I'm just saying that I see where they're coming from. They don't know you like I do. They know you're capable of murder, but they don't know that you're also capable of saving people. You saved me when I was kidnapped by the Covenant. You kept me sane. Given time, I can convince them that you're not a completely evil person, no matter how much you want everyone to believe it."
"You're going to be the death of my hard-earned reputation."
"Damn right. I mean, what kind of man wants to be known as a ruthless killer?"
"Me! I want to be known as a ruthless killer."
"You have problems." She smiled at him, and he could feel his heart jump. He realized she was right. Something had happened to her when she was taking her shower. It seemed like she had had an internal struggle with her inner demons for her general well being. He was glad to see she had won.
"So, you've squared yourself with your father and Marcus Dixon?"
"Their ultimatums were unacceptable. But I know they're just trying to keep me safe. I can deal with them. I mean, it's not like this is the first time they've tried this stuff with me."
"So…" he said slowly. He really didn't want to bring up the subject of Michael Vaughn again. But he had to know if she had come to a conclusion about the man she had once loved with all her heart.
"So what?"
"Agent Vaughn? What about him?"
"The situation between us hasn't been right for a long time. We both changed in the time we spent apart. I'm a different person, and he just can't accept that."
"He doesn't understand what it took for you to survive working for the Covenant." Sark rubbed her thigh lightly. "You've gotten harder, a little more callous."
"It had to be done."
"To survive, I know. That's how I got the way I am. Only I had to do it for a lot longer than you did. You still have the option of reversing the damage."
"I don't see it as necessarily a bad thing. I might not be the same innocent Sydney, but I think my hard skin has helped me in the field since then." She sighed. "Which brings me to another issue. Vaughn just doesn't understand how much of myself I had to surrender to my job. He doesn't understand I accepted these changes for a reason. I sacrificed everything I once had for national security."
"Not every woman could do what you do. It's very admirable."
"Thank you," she said. It was taking all her might not to bat his hand away from her thigh. It was also taking all her might not to encourage him to go a little farther. "I don't love him anymore," she said abruptly.
"Good revelation."
"My father always said he wasn't good enough for me. I never understood it. I think I do now. Michael Vaughn wants me to be the perfect woman he had envisioned in his dreams. I think I could have been that for him if I hadn't been taken by the Covenant. But I was. And he just couldn't accept the fact that I didn't have the ability to be perfect anymore."
"Who wants perfect? I'll take a flawed woman any day."
"Well, you're in luck. I'm just full of flaws."
Sark leaned in and nipped the nape of her neck lightly. "Your flaws taste good."
"Stop it," she said with a laugh. "This is serious. I've had life-altering revelations."
"In my shower," he pointed out.
"Yes, in your shower. I've decided that I can live with the concern my father and Dixon have for me. As long as I tell them what's going to go on and don't budge, that situation should be fine. And I think I'm done with Michael Vaughn. What he did was inexcusable, but it opened my eyes to some really important things. He doesn't love the real me anymore." She looked at him intently. "But you do, don't you?"
"Now I'm wondering how we got to this point," Sark said, pulling himself back from her. He needed a little distance if he wanted to finish this conversation. Distance would keep his raging hormones in check.
"That's easy. You saved me from descending into some horrible place that I couldn't come back from. I don't know why you did it. And I don't care." She rested her head against him. "So, tell me. When did you first realize how much you loved me?"
He laughed. "There's the one track mind I know and love."
Her heart stopped at the casual mention of love. "Oh, yeah. I can get used to this," she thought."Believe it or not. It was when I realized that you stopped sleeping with Simon Walker."
She wrinkled her brow. "I don't think I remember this part of our time together."
"You were using him to keep your mind off of what you were being forced to do by the Covenant."
"Murder and kill innocent people that I should have been protecting?""That and betraying me to the CIA. He was a welcome distraction. And he made you feel like you were worthwhile."
"And you didn't?" she asked. She really didn't remember this part of her missing time at all. It was really hard to imagine a time when Sark didn't make her feel worthwhile. He had been the greatest singer of her praises practically from the day they first met.
"I ruffled your feathers. You hated me with a passion. Emphasis on passion." He smirked at the memory. "I disappeared on you after the first night we slept together."
"I remember that part."
Sark winced. Oh, she was definitely still pissed about that newfound memory. It would take a lot of charming to get her to forgive him for that one. That was a task for another day. "And I came back to warn you that Simon Walker wasn't good for you. After our conversation, you stopped sleeping with him. And it was that moment that I realized how horribly desperate I was for you."
"That's a little twisted. You loved me because I stopped sleeping with one of your adversaries?"
"No, I loved you because you stopped sleeping with Walker for me. I came back, and you wanted me as much as I wanted you."
"That's a little less twisted." She reached up and traced his jaw line lightly. "You gave up a lot for me, didn't you?"
"I would give up anything to keep you from getting hurt."
"You did give up something important. A certain business meeting, if I heard correctly."
"You heard that?"
"Yeah, I heard that."
"It was nothing," he lied."It was everything, and I'm grateful. I needed you to be there for me last night, and you were." She sighed. "I don't want to leave tomorrow."
"You don't have to. You can stay here as long as you want."
"I have to return to the CIA. They would have you hunted down and killed if they knew this is where I was hiding."
"They were the ones that pushed you in this direction."
"In a twisted way, yes."
"But I understand where you're coming from. You do have to go back to them." He got eerily silent for a moment. "Promise me something."
"What?"
"Whatever you do, don't let Michael Vaughn sweet talk his way out of what he did to you."
"That I can promise."
"And promise that you won't just write this weekend off."
"Oh, I can guarantee I won't be doing that," she said. "Now, I'm tired again and want to go to sleep."
She got up and walked over to the bedroom doorway again. When she reached her destination, she turned around and gave him a come hither stare. "Are you coming?"
"Absofuckinglutely," he said with a devilish smile.
