Rose couldn't sleep, despite being so tired she could barely think straight. She wasn't even sure when it was she had last slept; her grip on time had slipped and it wasn't something she could trust any more. It was roughly two days, she decided. It was a line of thought she pursued doggedly because while she was thinking about that she wasn't thinking about anything else. She wasn't thinking about Gwyneth and the way she had died. She wasn't thinking about blue gas aliens like ghosts that wanted to rule the world. And she definitely wasn't thinking about the argument she'd had with the Doctor.
She couldn't remember what had been said. She could just remember yelling and being yelled at. Rose groaned and pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. It was an old device she'd affected after her dad had died - a way to bank down tears, the lump in her throat and the god-awful pain in her chest. She would be damned if he was going to make her cry.
"Arse," she said aloud. "Stupid bloody arse. Thinks he knows bloody everything. Yeah right." Anger was easier. Anger didn't make her want to cry. It was harder to work at though because, deep down, she knew why he'd trusted and wanted to help. But if she was understanding, she couldn't be angry. And if she wasn't angry…
Rose sat up, scattering her thoughts. Suddenly it didn't matter how big the Tardis was, she needed to get out. The walls were oppressive. She grabbed her jacket and yanked it on as she walked down the corridor. She suspected that the Doctor was in the control room and wondered vaguely how that was going to pan out, but didn't care that much. Her anger simmered and gave her determination.
The Doctor was indeed in the control room, but if he realised she'd come in, he gave no indication. He continued to work at whatever it was he was working at. Rose paused, noting the tension she could read even across the room. Compassion touched her before she could remind herself that she was meant to be angry with him. Damn him, but he was wrong and it was his fault. She was not going to apologise again.
It was night outside the Tardis. Rose realised she had no idea where they were. Somewhere where there were no artificial lights. If wherever they were had stars, she couldn't see them for the clouds. The air was heavy and warm. Static crawled up her arms; there was a storm brewing.
A few minutes passed and Rose found that there was no more relief to be had outside of the TARDIS than there had been within it. The tension in the atmosphere grew and she got more wound up. It was almost like the weather was reflecting her mood. There was the sound of a door slamming behind her and her tension levels went up by several notches. Rose folded her arms. Calm, mature, levelheaded, she chanted slightly to herself.
"I thought you were sleeping," the Doctor told her.
"Couldn't," Rose replied quietly.
"What's the matter?"
"Oh I don't know. Can't possibly imagine." Bitter sarcasm tinged her voice and she grimaced at herself.
"Rose…" he began.
"Don't," she interrupted tersely. "Just don't." Thunder rumbled threateningly.
"You can't worry about individuals. The universe is a bigger picture."
Rose glared at him. "That is crap and you know it. That 'bigger picture' nearly took over my world. Maybe you can't save everyone. Maybe you should just start with one."
"It wasn't my fault. I tried to save her."
"You put her up to it in the first place!"
Lightning forked, throwing a sudden light."I didn't," he said, his voice quieter. "I didn't need to. The Gelth were manipulating her."
"What, like they did you?"
He nodded slowly. "Yes. Okay I was wrong. Happy now?"
"Not really, no. Gwyneth's still dead. I still nearly died."
"I told you it was dangerous. Cal down"
"You didn't tell me I could die before I was even born! And I will not calm down!"
"Rose…"
"No!" She shouted and the thunder came again, louder and more ominous. "You know, Clive was right – you bring death and destruction everywhere. You let Cassandra die, you let Gwyneth die. How can I trust that it won't be me? What if I get in the way of your 'bigger picture'?"
"Shut up! If you don't like it, then maybe you should just go home." The Doctor grabbed her arm.
It was a bad move. Anger and grief exploded within her and Rose reacted, blindly swinging back round to him. Her open hand connected with his cheek. The slap sounded very loud in the silence. And as Rose stood there staring at him in horror, the storm broke.
The rain came down hard and cold. It snapped Rose out of her frozen state and straight into panic. She turned and bolted, heedless of the Doctor shouting her name after her. In the dark and with the rain sheeting down it was impossible to see anything, but she ran on blind regardless. However the ground had turned to mush beneath her feet and it wasn't long before she slipped and fell, crashing to her knees. The jolt broke the last of her control and she began to sob hysterically. What had she done? She had no idea where she was. When she was. Her hand stung. How hard had she hit him?
Rose felt strong hands on her upper arms. She tensed, awaiting the onslaught.
"Come on," the Doctor said softly. "Out of the rain. You'll catch your death."
She let him pull her to her feet. She was shaking, and only partly because she was wet through and cold. She was confused by his reaction. She'd hit him not five minutes ago and he was acting like nothing had happened. She twisted round and attempted to look at him. The rain has eased and was now misting down. The clouds had broken a little and they let a little of the moonlight through. In the dim light, Rose could see the concern on his face. And the mark on his cheek.
"Oh god," she whispered, and touched him gently. "Oh Doctor I'm sorry."
He shook his head. "It's okay," he told her. "Probably deserved it. I know I shouldn't have yelled at you." His gaze became intense. "I didn't mean it, you know."
"I know," Rose replied, and she did. Tears threatened again. Before she knew it, she'd been pulled into a tight hug.
"Shush now."
She nodded and sniffed. Swallowing hard to bank her tears down, she rested her head against his chest. She had no idea how long there stood there, in the drizzle, in each other's arms. For the first time in a long time she felt safe and slowly the tension ebbed away, leaving her at peace.
