Bad Behavior 25

Love Hurts

Judge Whitney strolled into her favorite coffee house and parked herself at the quiet end of the counter.

"You want the regular Judge?" the clerk offered.

"Yeah Sam that'd be great." She threw her coat over the back of her chair and sat down just as her coffee arrived. She hadn't noticed the handsomely suited man at the table in the corner who'd just folded his newspaper and was approaching her.

"Good morning," the man greeted, catching the Judge off guard and taking a seat next to her.

"Well, well. Caleb Nichol. It's been a long time, and that's probably a good thing. So what do you want?"

"Coffee, of course. Kona, black," he hissed to the passing clerk.

"Don't play me for a fool. I've known you long enough to know it's no coincidence that you've turned up in my territory. There's more than coffee grounds in the bottom of your cup. What's going on?"

Caleb sauced a smile at the Judge. "You're always were ahead of your game Maria."

"Always."

"So here's the thing. There's a custody case that you're reviewing…"

"Stop right there. Mr. Nichol, you know I can't discuss anything with you and any attempt to discuss a case with me could not only put your case of interest in peril, but it could land you in jail. You know better than this."

"I'm not asking you to discuss it with me. I just want you to hear what I have to say and then have your people do the legwork on it. The boy's name is Ryan Atwood. Do you know which one he is?"

Narrowing her eyes at Caleb, she nodded against her will. "He was in my courtroom the other day."

"That's right. What you know about him is only the tip of the iceberg. Have your people look into his DCFS files. I'm sure you're familiar enough with his criminal record, but you may not have had the opportunity to look into his child services file. You can't miss it. It's rather thick. This boy has brought great joy to my daughter and her family and he's worthy of a new life. Just…take your time when you make your decision on this one. Please."

The Judge sat quietly for a moment. She'd only known the evil-business, conniving side of Caleb Nichol. This was new territory.

"And…what if the Mother wants him back? I can't just ignore California law Mr. Nichol."

"Ground breaking cases come through the courts every day…you've pioneered several yourself."

"That's coming frighteningly close to a threat Mr. Nichol."

"Not at all," he defended as he stood up, taking the last swallow of his coffee. "If there's a Judge out there that can make the right decision on an important case like this one…it's you. Have a nice day Judge Whitney."

Bewildered by Caleb's behavior, Judge Whitney sat perplexed at the counter, spinning her coffee mug. Never had she seen Caleb Nichol wear his emotions on his sleeve, and for an honest cause on top it. Ryan's appearance in her courtroom played in her mind. She kept revisiting the spat between him and his mother. She'd seen a lot in her day. This wasn't just teen angst. He really hated her.

"More coffee there Judge?" the clerk offered.

"Better make this one to go Sam, I've got work to do."

"Hey man, come on get up," Seth coaxed. When Ryan didn't move, Seth jumped on the foot of Ryan's bed and hopped up and down to get his attention. "Come on man, come on! Get up!"

Hurling the covers back, Ryan's infuriated head shot up and even his scruffy morning hair couldn't hide the death glare emanating from sleepy eyes. Seth immediately backed off of Ryan's bed and tripped straight into the chair behind him.

"Sorry. I forgot you don't like anyone on your bed."

Kicking his feet out from under the covers, Ryan got up and walked into the bathroom, leaving the door open.

"So I thought maybe we could do something today. There's break…fast…in the kitchen," Seth faded out as his words were interrupted by Ryan using the bathroom. "You're busy…I'll just wait a minute."

When Ryan returned, "I don't want to do anything and I'm not hungry."

Disgusted, Seth put his hands on his hips. "I will not let you do this."

"Do what?" Ryan asked, still irritated by Seth's version of a wake up call.

"This, that's what. Maybe this is your last week here, maybe it's not. Either way I'm not going to let you sit in here pouting."

"I'm not pouting," Ryan retorted, changing his shirt.

"Pick any word you like…pouting, moping…brooding. I think brooding works especially good for you."

Ryan glared at Seth before letting out a deep sigh and wading up his dirty laundry.

"Come on man. You obviously feel close enough to me at times. I've seen it. Christ Ryan, you just peed with the door open and I'm standing right here."

"That was supposed to make you uncomfortable so you'd leave."

The comment cut Seth and he finally erupted.

"This isn't just about you any more Ryan. You think if you get sent back to Chino that you're the only one that's going to be upset?" Seth was barely keeping a lid on his emotions and the spectacle he'd become had Ryan's complete attention. "What about my Mom and my Dad? What about me Ryan? I had nothing before you came. Nothing to look forward to, no friends, nothing." If you leave…" the words escaped from Seth and he let his arms slap against his legs as proof. "There's more to this than you realize and apparently, you're the only one that doesn't see it. You want me to treat you like you're already gone? That's fine. I've got the 'being alone' thing down pretty good."

With a sniffle Seth stormed out of the pool house. He had a point and it took his outburst for Ryan to realize it. All this time, Ryan only considered how upset he would be if he went back to Chino. He was used to only worrying about himself. Kirsten's conversation with Ryan about Seth came back to him in a flash. 'That was cruel Ryan. He looks up to you,' she'd told him once. Suddenly Ryan realized he had handled this morning all wrong. Seth was right he was brooding, and he was wasting valuable time.

Quietly he closed the patio door behind him. Kirsten and Seth were both in the kitchen. She was pouring coffee. Seth was sitting at the counter sniffling. Feeling ashamed, Ryan kept his head low and carefully pulled out the chair next to Seth and sat down.

"Is everything okay with you two?" Kirsten inquired noticing the tension between them. Rather than an explanation, she got a shrug from Seth and Ryan gave her a quick glance before tipping his head back down again. Wrinkling her forehead she wondered what had happened. She was about to make a comment when she noticed Ryan nervously tapping his hands and looking at Seth. She knew words would soon follow.

"You were right," Ryan finally said. "I'm sorry."

Another shrug from Seth followed as well as a nod or two. Once again Ryan's eyes drifted briefly to Kirsten before dropping back down to the counter.

Ryan cleared his throat before continuing. "I've spent so much of my life not meaning anything to anyone that…sometimes I forget I am important to certain people. And…certain people are important to me too."

Seth only nodded again.

"I'll…if you want to go to the pier or something…I'll go with you," Ryan offered, trying to clear the air.

"Pier would be good. I'll go get my jacket." Seth's monotone voice told Ryan he was still upset, rightfully so.

Once Seth had disappeared, Ryan waited for Kirsten's interrogation to follow. When nothing followed, he was dumbfounded with himself for actually initiating the conversation.

"I snapped at him this morning."

"Oh?"

"I had it all worked out in my head that if I started to distance myself from you guys, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I have to leave after the hearing."

Kirsten found it amazing that Ryan, at times, seemed to be brutally honest in her presence. "Ryan, whatever the court decides on Monday…you will always be a part of this family, regardless of what a piece of paper says. If, and that's 'if' you went back to Chino, who knows, maybe your Mom would let you come up here on the weekends or during your breaks. Something could be worked out, I'm sure of it."

"Maybe."

"You ready Ryan?" Seth hollered from the living room.

"Here Ryan, take this." Reaching into her purse, Kirsten pulled out some money and handed it to Ryan.

"You don't have to…I don't…"

"Ryan, take it. I gave Seth some money this morning. This is your money. I'm giving you the same thing. Go have some fun." When Ryan still wouldn't take the money, Kirsten folded it, told him to stand up and slid it into his front pocket. "There. Now if anyone goes for your pocket, punch them."

The comment made Ryan laugh out loud.

"Okay? Now go have some fun. Dinner's going to be at seven guys. Call if you're not going to be here."

Dawn woke up in a groggy state. Her head pounded with the familiar ache of a well-deserved hangover. Scowling at the wall she concentrated on where she was and how she got there. Nothing came to mind. She rolled over slowly, hoping to control the spinning room. Lying on her back, she took in the room around her, Ryan's room. She was on Ryan's bed. Everything was exactly the way he left it. There was a pack of cigarettes and a book of matches sitting on his night table next to an empty soda can that he used as an ashtray. Dawn sniffled at the vision of Ryan telling her he'd quit smoking…it wasn't allowed in his new home and he'd obeyed his foster parents. Leaning forward she picked up a t-shirt from the floor. The sleeve was stained with blood. No doubt from one of the many fights he'd been in with God knows who over Lord knows what. Boys were boys. Her heart jumped at the realization that the blood could have come at her own hand. How many times had she slapped him in anger or even in a drunken state and split his lip, or caused a nosebleed. Yes, it was possible she'd been the one to hurt him, to ruin his shirt. The thought made her nauseous and she clenched the shirt to her chest.

Still scanning the room, she noticed his raggedy, old book bag at the foot of the bed. Reaching inside she pulled out a textbook. Ryan had doodled all over the front. She could tell it was his writing. Opening the book she found all sorts of papers folded inside, most of them notes from girls with sexual overtones. She knew neither of her sons were virgins but she didn't realize Ryan was such a Casanova with the girls. Closing the book she held it to her chest on top of the t-shirt and thumbed mindlessly at the corner of the book. Her thoughts drifted back to her conversation with Kirsten about Ryan attending one of the top schools in the state. How he was doing well there and hadn't missed a day.

Dawn tossed the book down onto the floor. Another glance around the room left her feeling quite cold. There was nothing in this room but evidence of Ryan's broken life…bloodstains, a cigarette pack, stolen no doubt, and a textbook he'd used as a scratch pad.

Having pondered enough, Dawn stood up, shakily, and walked to the doorway. Pausing she looked back at the empty bed. This was the first time she'd really looked at her son's life through his eyes, and she didn't like what she saw.

Suddenly her home felt very empty. She had thought about Ryan every day and almost every thought was painful. She would have to make a decision soon. It was something she'd been avoiding since the day she'd learned about it. She could understand the Cohen's frustration. After all, she was his Mother, what was there to think about? Truth be told even she wasn't sure what her problem was. Maybe it was the fear of being alone. Maybe it was anger over Ryan preferring another woman to act as his Mother. Maybe she felt she deserved another chance…but no one knew better than her that Ryan had been more than patient. As far as he was concerned, she was out of chances. And then there was her most feared possibility…maybe he really was better off without her.

Shaking the fog out of her head she closed the door to his room. With her hand still on the knob and his bloodstained shirt in her other hand, she slid down to the floor and cried.

"I'm worried about Ryan," Kirsten explained.

Putting his feet up on the coffee table, Sandy lowered the remote and turned his attention to his wife. "Why? What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"I don't know the whole story but apparently he and Seth got into a spat this morning. Ryan admitted to me he felt it was a good idea to start distancing himself from all of us…that way if he has to go back to Chino next week, he thought maybe it wouldn't be so hard."

"Well that's not good."

"What do you think we should do?"

Sandy thought for a moment, "I think we should just keep doing what we've been doing. Keep including him in everything as we have been. Keep reinforcing the fact that the court papers aren't going to change the way we feel about him. And keep pushing the positive strides he's made in his life. He's doing great."

"You think he's really going to retain all of that if he gets sent back to Chino?" Kirsten asked realistically.

Nodding, "I do. I think he'll at least retain enough to think before he acts if he were to go back home and that's a start."

"Four more days. It feels like an eternity doesn't it?"

"Yes it does. And I'll bet to Ryan it feels even longer than that. Soon enough it'll all be over and hopefully we'll have a reason to celebrate again."

"And if we don't?" Kirsten asked, preparing for the worst again.

"If we don't then it will be more important than ever to reinforce how much we love him and that we will always be here for him. It's all we can do."

Leaning on a railing Seth and Ryan watched the boats out at sea. Ryan was back to wishing he were anywhere but in Newport. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't relax and he was having a damn hard time believing anything anyone said to him. Bottom line, he just wished it was over once and for all and he knew where his future was going.

"I wish there was something I could do," Seth mentioned in passing.

"There's nothing anyone can do now. The ball is already set in motion," Ryan explained dryly.

"I have a good feeling about it." Seth knew the comment sounded overly cheesy but at this point there was nothing to lose. "Is there anything you want to do this week?"

Ryan gave Seth a sideways glance before looking back at the sailboats.

"Ryan, I know that look. What?"

Ryan turned to Seth, meeting his gaze. "Seth, I might…I might…take off for a while, to clear my head."

"Well sure I can understand that. I'd want to be alone for a while too if I'd spent the afternoon with me. I don't shut up."

"No man," Ryan licked his lips. "I mean I'm going to take off for a while. This is getting to be too much for me," he explained quietly, turning back to the boats.

"Ryan you can't do this. I won't let you do this."

Seth panicked. He knew if he let Ryan leave, that would be it. He'd never see him again. He needed some leverage and he needed it now.

"If you run, I'm going straight to the cops and my parents. I'm not letting you leave again, especially not like this." Seth's voice squeaked just as it did that morning. "Why can't you understand that we love you man? You're like a brother to me."

Not knowing what to say, Ryan did an about-face and started walking away from Seth.

"Ryan stop! Please! Stop! That's it Ryan, I'm calling my Dad!" Seth threatened, pulling out his cell phone and flipping it open.

Halting his escape, Ryan rushed back to Seth and yanked the cell phone out of his hand. His eyes were red and watery from the threat of tears.

"You don't fucking get it! None of you do! I can't take this! I don't know how to handle this! Everyone's upset! I can't take seeing all of you hurting over me! I'm the cause of this! I'm not worth it!"

Ryan's rage ended with him tossing Seth's cell phone at his feet. Both boys stood on a quiet part of the pier, neither knowing what to say.

"I thought I could do this…handle this. I can't Seth…I can't."

Seth dug his heels in as hard as he could. If he didn't, he risked the chance of losing Ryan for good.

"You don't have to do anything. Let us do it, let us help you. Anything, I'll do anything. Just tell me what you need," Seth begged.

Ryan looked wearily at Seth. This is exactly what he was talking about. He didn't want Seth begging, he didn't want the Cohens going out of their way…they'd done enough already. The pressure had just become too much, for Ryan, it had become unbearable.

"Seth…I just…I can't…" Ryan answered quietly, almost ashamed.

"Okay but then, let's just go to my parents. We'll tell them how you feel, that you need a break. They've been pretty free spirited with you Ryan. Maybe they'll be okay with you wandering off for a while as long as they know where you are, or something. Please, please just come home with me. We'll think of something."

Ryan's face was blank. He looked more wounded than anything. Seth knew he was struggling with the decision to of staying or bolting.

"Please let me drive you home," Seth begged, breaking up the silence.

It took a moment, but Ryan finally nodded. Seth knew he was going along with the program against his will…but the important thing was, he was staying.

When they walked through the door at home, Sandy knew immediately that something happened.

"What's wrong? What's the matter?" he asked rather concerned and rushing over to the boys.

"Dad, um, Ryan needs to talk to you."

The statement drew a dirty look from Ryan. He didn't want to talk to anyone. Seth's the one that wanted to do all the talking.

Catching on, "Why do you think he wants to talk to me? He doesn't look like he's in the talking mood if you ask me," Sandy admitted.

"I'm not giving him that choice Dad. If he doesn't talk to you about what he's feeling…he's gonna run. He told me he's gonna run."

Sandy's head tipped up a bit and he held his breath at Seth's comment. That was the last thing he expected. "Seth why don't you give us some time alone?"

Thankful he was able to at least get Ryan home, Seth nodded and gave a pat to Ryan's shoulder. "This is your chance man. Put it all out there."

"Come on Ryan let's sit down." Walking into the living room Sandy took a seat and noticed that Ryan was still standing with his hands in his jacket pockets. "Ryan, please talk to me."

Against his will Ryan, again, sat down. Sandy took this as a good sign. If Ryan really didn't want to talk, he wouldn't have allowed Seth to bring him home…he wouldn't have sat down. This was another one of Ryan's silent screams for intervention.

Knowing Ryan wouldn't be the first to say something, Sandy started the conversation. "So obviously there's something on your mind. Maybe…maybe you're just worried about next Monday's outcome? Maybe you're not sure you really want to be here? Maybe you're having second thoughts about leaving your Mom?"

The last comment earned Sandy a razor sharp glare from Ryan…okay, so that one isn't the reason.

"Ryan, I want you to tell me what's upsetting you."

Ryan's mind flashed back to The Ranch and he could hear Gina's words in his head…"It's okay to talk about the things that bother us. It's part of healing," she'd said.

"I can't take the pressure," he offered quietly.

"I know there's a lot going on right now, but things will quiet do…"

"I can't take seeing all of you upset over the possibility of losing me. I don't deserve that sort of attention, I'm not worth it."

"Ryan, I want you to look at me." He waited a moment for Ryan to raise his eyes. "You ARE worth it. If you weren't, we wouldn't be upset."

Sandy leaned in close to Ryan, invading his space. He put his arm on Ryan's shoulder. "It's okay to admit that you're scared Ryan. We all are. That's why this is such an emotional time for all of us."

Ryan pressed his eyebrows down, his protective wall immediately going up.

"Admitting you're scared doesn't change who you are Ryan. All it does is help you understand what you're feeling. It's okay to be scared."

Turning his eyes, Ryan wrung his hands together and he appeared to be staring at Sandy's knee. He shook his head slowly as if he were having a conversation with himself and a single tear managed to escape and drop to the floor.

"I'm terrified of being sent back there," Ryan admitted softly. Finally he owned his feelings. Finally he could say it out loud. He nervously snuck peaks at Sandy, clearly searching for reassurance.

"It's okay son. It's okay to say it. There's nothing wrong with that. Please promise me that you'll stay. Let us take care of you. We want to take care of you Ryan."

Looking up at Sandy, Ryan looked like a scared little boy. The conversation between the two of them had let Sandy in, at least for the time being.

"I feel like, like I'm hurting everyone. I don't want to hurt you guys."

"Ryan, there was a time when you first came here when you told us you didn't know what it was like to be loved. You're feeling love right now. That's why this hurts so much. Love can make you feel great but by the same token, when you risk losing something, or someone, that you truly love, it can break your heart." Sandy watched Ryan process his words before continuing. "This is why we've been trying to help you understand, no matter what the outcome is on Monday, it won't have any effect on our feelings for you. We love you kid. And that ain't gonna go away anytime soon."

"What do you think will happen on Monday?" Ryan asked, changing the subject.

"I wish I knew. I think we've got a really good shot at this going in our favor. All we can do is think positive and stay strong for each other. That's what families do." There was a long silence. "Will you please stay with us?"

Giving in, Ryan nodded and started to take off his jacket.

"You know now that you got my heart pumping, I'm gonna have to watch you like a hawk," Sandy joked.

"I know. I won't leave. I promise."

With that, Ryan took off his boots and laid back on the couch. Sandy went to the kitchen for a cup of coffee before returning to the living room to finish his magazine. It wasn't long at all before he realized that Ryan had fallen asleep. Retrieving a blanket from the linen closet, Sandy covered him up and then parked himself on the other couch. There was no way in hell he was letting this kid out of his sight after the conversation they had.

As the night wore on, Sandy dozed off at some point. He knew he'd have to sleep too. He was confident that he would hear Ryan rustling around if he woke up. When Sandy did wake up, it was near four a.m., and his heart skipped a beat. The couch across from him had Ryan's blanket shoved aside…but no Ryan. He was gone.

(TBC)

This is a warm up...if this one brought you any tears, be warned...Chapter 26 is a heartbreaker: D