Warning: Kleenex Alert! (You're gonna need 'em): D
Bad Behavior 26
Numbing the Pain
Ryan couldn't be gone, he just couldn't. He damn well better not be gone! He promised he wouldn't leave and so far he'd kept his promises. Sandy shook his head at his own thoughts. What did he expect? The kid was running scared and he shouldn't be surprised at this. The rest of Ryan's life hung in the balance of what other people thought was best for him.
Deciding he should go look for Ryan, Sandy stood up and wiped the sleep out of his eyes. Maybe Ryan was up and about but not gone. Maybe he went back to his own bed. Maybe he was at the bottom of the driveway sneaking a cigarette for comfort. Maybe he went to the pier as he'd done in the past when he was upset. And maybe he really did leave…and that thought worried Sandy most of all.
Taking two steps towards the front door, Sandy's attention was drawn to the floor. This time his heart fluttered with a bit of excitement. Ryan's boots were still on the floor next to the couch, these were pretty much the only shoes Ryan ever wore. Wherever he was, he was barefoot, or only in his socks, and that meant he hadn't gone far. Also on the floor was Ryan's jacket. Upon inspection, Sandy smirked at the hot pack of cigarettes hidden in one of the inside pockets.
Dropping the jacket Sandy quickly moved down the hallway to the bathroom looking for Ryan. Nothing. Maybe he went to talk to Seth? A quick scouring of the second floor turned up nothing, just Kirsten and Seth both sound asleep in their own beds.
Rushing back downstairs, Sandy hurried back to the living room to see if Ryan had returned. Nothing. Just as he was considering checking the pool house, he heard the clink of glass in the kitchen. Sneaking up to the doorway, he located Ryan. He was sitting at the breakfast bar. With his upper body slumped over the counter, Sandy knew he was asleep.
The flick of a switch shed just a bit of light into the kitchen…it also shed a ton of light on the situation. Sighing loudly, Sandy approached Ryan and removed the whiskey bottle from his hand. At three-quarters empty, Sandy knew Ryan was going to have a very, very bad morning.
"You gotta hang in there kid. You can do this, I know you can."
Brushing the hair out of Ryan's passed out eyes Sandy couldn't help but get emotional. This kid was in so much pain and there was nothing more he could do about it. He felt helpless. He realized now that nothing he could do or say would make these last few days any easier for Ryan.
Stroking his thumb over Ryan's cheek, "Wake up son. Come on. Wake up Ryan."
Ryan's faced crumpled disagreeably and he pushed Sandy's hand away.
"Come on Ryan. We've got to move you back to the couch so you can sleep."
Complying as little as possible, Ryan cracked his eyes open and tried to focus on Sandy. Instead, he noticed his bottle had been moved. He reached for it and quickly took hold of it.
"No, no Ryan," Sandy reprimanded as if he were talking to a small child. "Give it to me please."
Ryan slowly raised himself up off the counter, his eyes dark and crossing from the full effect of the alcohol. He could barely hold his head up as he looked down at the bottle.
"That was mine. I drank all of that," Ryan slurred matter-of-factly.
Sandy couldn't help but chuckle a bit. "I promise you, you will not be so proud of that fact come morning."
Sandy was surprised at the quickness and accuracy in which Ryan raised the bottle and slammed another taste.
"Ryan, Ryan please. No more, okay? That's all for today. We have to save some for tomorrow." Sandy knew there'd be no more drinking tomorrow and he also knew Ryan wouldn't remember a thing once he sobered up. He just had to make enough sense right now for him to go along with the program.
Kirsten had appeared in the doorway and Sandy signaled to her to stay quiet.
"I can drink a lot…we're going to need more than that," he slurred again, fighting to stay awake.
"How are we going to get more?" Sandy asked, trying to keep Ryan talking.
"I'm a thief. I steal things. I can get anything you need."
The comment disturbed Sandy. Talking to Ryan while he was drunk was like looking directly into his soul and seeing how he saw himself.
"Ryan you're a good boy, you don't steal things any more."
"We're gonna need more of that stuff," he insisted.
"Why do we need more?" Sandy interrogated.
"If you drink that, you don't feel anything," Ryan replied honestly. Sandy and Kirsten exchanged a concerned look.
"Why don't you want to feel anything?"
Ryan pawed at the table with his hand as if he could see something the others couldn't. "I don't want to hurt anymore," he said quietly. "The bottle makes you numb and you don't hurt anymore."
With that explanation, Ryan reached past Sandy in another attempt to acquire the bottle again.
"Ryan…no more. You're there son. You're numb."
Sandy cupped Ryan's face in his hand. Barely able to hold his head up on his own, Ryan allowed the weight of his head to rest in Sandy's hand. He studied Sandy's face carefully. Sandy never saw Ryan's eyes so empty.
"Are you sure? Maybe I need more."
"I'm sure Ryan."
Ryan closed his eyes momentarily and licked his lips slowly as if his mouth was as dry as cotton.
Nodding, "Okay. That's good because I don't want to hurt any more. I don't want to hurt."
Sandy did his best to keep the tears from falling. Kirsten had already gone to pieces in the corner with both hands over her mouth, trying to stifle the sobs. It broke their hearts to see Ryan like this. He was always so strong and to see him at his darkest moment left Sandy and Kirsten emotionally shattered.
"It's time for bed Ryan. Will you let me take you to bed?" Sandy requested, his own arms shaky from the conversation that had transpired.
Ryan gave, what they assumed, was a nod and he attempted to stand up. Clearly his legs were no longer with him and Kirsten and Sandy quickly moved in and grabbed him around the waist and put his arms over their shoulders to keep him from falling to the floor. Shuffling him back to the couch, they took all the necessary precautions. They put several towels underneath him incase he had an accident while he was passed out. Kirsten retrieved the now famous mop bucket and put it on the floor right next to his head. He was going to need it.
He was fighting to stay awake to see what they were doing, but he was losing the battle. His face was warm and rosy from the whiskey and he felt slightly perspired when Kirsten bent down and kissed his forehead.
"I love you," he whispered hoarsely.
"I love you too," Kirsten whispered back as she watched his eyes close.
"You're crying. I'm sorry I make you hurt," he struggled to verbalize before he passed out. And thank God he passed out because that's when Kirsten had her breakdown.
"Come on, let's go in the kitchen," Sandy instructed. "He'll be okay. He'll sleep for a while."
Still wrestling with his own emotions, Sandy held his wife and they walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. Kirsten was trying to gain control of herself and Sandy kept glancing across the kitchen at the whiskey bottle.
"Sandy I can't bear to see him like this. I don't understand," Kirsten sniffled. "He was so happy to come home. He was calm. He had a positive outlook. What happened?"
"His Mom happened," Sandy grumbled. "Ryan was just fine until he saw her at his hearing. That's when everything changed."
Kirsten nodded, putting incidents and pieces of time together in her head.
"Ryan was very upset that she had come there in the first place," Sandy continued. "I think he's convinced himself that it's a sign he's going back to Chino."
"Her being there has nothing to do with the hearing next week. If anything I think everything that happened in court that day was in Ryan's favor."
"I agree, but it doesn't matter. Ryan got some sort of vibe that day. I have no idea why he's thinking the way he is…but it's definitely become a problem."
"We still have a few days until the hearing Sandy. How are we going to control him until then? If something happens between now and then and the police get involved…"
"We have to make him understand exactly that. He has a right to be upset, but he's going to have to find another way to handle it. If he gets arrested again before we legally take custody of him, he can kiss Newport goodbye."
Kirsten let her eyes close with worry. The next few days would definitely be a test of what they all were made of. Sandy and Kirsten could only hope they were strong enough to bring Ryan through this.
Morning had been a long time coming. Sandy couldn't sleep no matter what how hard he tried. He told himself he may as well get used to it because Ryan would be getting a staff of full time babysitters for the next three days whether he liked it or not.
Ryan hadn't moved all night. He stayed exactly the way Sandy and Kirsten laid him down. Sandy couldn't help but notice how helpless he looked lying there. He thought about the previous evening when Ryan's drunken counterpart was trying to explain getting numb to stop the hurt. He nodded at Ryan's motionless body. As bizarre as the situation was, and considering it was Ryan, he'd done the right thing. He could've left, but he didn't. Hell, he'd obviously been in the kitchen for some time since he was able to get completely wasted before someone found him. Now Sandy was shaking his head at Ryan. Why couldn't this kid just ask for help? Why didn't he just talk when he needed to? Sandy had never seen so many silent signals for help. It made him more determined than ever to see this thing through, no matter what it took.
In the middle of his thoughts he noticed Ryan started moaning…and swallowing.
Taking a deep breath, "He we go kid," he mumbled more to himself than to Ryan.
Rushing over to Ryan, who was now squirming, Sandy pulled him onto his side just in the nick of time as his stomach began to empty itself into the bucket. The onslaught of vomiting left Ryan gasping for breath, not to mention terribly shaky from being ripped from his sleep in this matter. When he finally did get a brief break he noticed he'd nailed Sandy's hand at one point.
"Sandy…I'm…sorry…I'm so…sorry," he struggled to get out before his stomach retched again.
"It's okay Ryan. It's okay. Just relax."
"Sandy? How is he?"
Kirsten had appeared in the blink of an eye. Sandy didn't even notice her walk up.
"He's ah, he's really green right now."
As if on cue, Ryan hurled into the bucket two more times.
"See? And he's shaking really bad. I think it's because the vomiting is what woke him up. He's gonna be okay. This should slow down soon."
Kirsten looked sympathetically on Ryan. Sure, he'd brought this on himself, but she understood why he did it. Under the circumstances, she just wanted to mother him and get him well. The rest could wait.
"I'll go get a different bucket so I can rinse that one out. I'm sure that dirty one sitting there is making him just as sick. I'll get him some new clothes too," Kirsten offered, signaling secretly to Sandy.
"Please tell me I didn't puke on the couch." Ryan looked to Sandy for reassurance.
"You didn't Ryan. The bucket is all you kid."
Confused, "Then why do I need new clothes?"
Sandy raised his eyes to Kirsten, unsure of how to break the news.
"Ryan, honey, you um, you had a little accident."
"What!" Turning over a bit, Ryan noticed the front of his jeans were indeed wet. "Oh my God! I've never done that…ever!"
"Ryan it's okay," Kirsten tried to nurture. "You just need some dry clothes and you'll be fine honey. It's okay."
"I've never done that…your couch…"
"Relax Ryan," Sandy encouraged. "You were dry until you starting getting sick. I think waking up like that not only shocked you but shocked your body as well. That's when it happened. When we put you to sleep last night, we prepared you with towels just in case. We're way ahead of you kid. You don't need to worry about a thing."
Beyond embarrassed, Ryan rolled over onto his side into the fetal position. His head was spinning, his stomach was still churning, he was humiliated by his so called 'accident' no matter what caused it, and he was upset with himself for putting the Cohens through even more trauma only for them to act just like real parents and try to nurse him back. The more he thought about it, the more upset he got and it didn't take long before streams of tears fell from his eyes.
"Ryan what's wrong? Talk to me."
"I keep fucking up and you guys keep picking up the pieces. I'm like Humpty Dumpty on the fucking wall. Why do I keep treating you like this? Why?"
Sandy stroked Ryan's hair. "You're still protecting yourself Ryan. You're still unsure of where all this is going and you're still not ready to trust us completely. I can't blame you, I'd be looking out for myself too if I were in your shoes. It's a hard habit to break after a lifetime of doing it that way."
Kirsten had come back into the room and put a clean bucket next to Ryan. She moved behind the coffee table to she could see Ryan's face.
"But why can't I stop? You guys have done everything right. You're everything I ever dreamed a family would be. I keep beating you up and you keep coming back for more. Why do you do that?"
"Well that's an easy one. We do it because we love you."
Sandy's explanation was blunt and to the point and left no room for misunderstandings. Ryan let out a loud breath and his eyes darted to Kirsten who gave him a soft smile and nodded in agreement with Sandy's comment.
Coming around the coffee table, Kirsten sat down. "Ryan, last night you told us you drank because you didn't want to hurt anymore. Do you remember that?"
His eyes wandered off of Kirsten, he was trying to remember it but she knew he wouldn't. When he finally shook his head, she continued.
"You said the bottle made you numb so you didn't have to hurt any more. Ryan, we don't want you to hurt any more either, but this isn't the way to handle it."
Sandy cut in, "I'm going to go talk to Judge Whitney. She needs to know that you've reached a point where you're punishing yourself, in essence hurting yourself. She needs to know how strongly you feel against going back to Chino."
"But you said talking to her was wrong," Ryan remembered.
"I said having Caleb talk to her was wrong. This is an entirely different scenario. Ryan, you could accidentally poison yourself by drinking too much. We have to stop the hurt you're feeling…and we have to do it without the bottle."
"Okay. I won't drink anymore…well, not like that. I don't want you to go to the Judge. Okay? Please don't."
"Why?"
"Things like that don't work out for me. If you go to her, she'll twist the situation and say you guys can't handle me…that I'd be better off with my Mom. I know it. Please don't tell her about this. Please."
Sandy hated to admit it, but Ryan had a point. This could go sour on them if they brought it to the Judge's attention. It shouldn't…but there was still that chance, and it was a chance they couldn't afford to take.
"I swear I'll be good. I'll try harder. I'll stay out of trouble I swear." Tears formed in Ryan's eyes and his begging tugged at their hearts again.
"Okay Ryan, we'll do this your way. Over the next three days we need your cooperation. We need you to do what we say and we're going to be on you like shadows. We're worried sick about you right now."
"I understand," Ryan choked back the tears. "I'll be good," he nodded, getting a hold of himself.
"I'm going to go put the coffee on. I think we could all use some this morning." Kirsten hoped changing the subject would help calm Ryan down for the time being. "Ryan, there's clean sweatpants for you. I realize you need a shower but I'm sure you're head isn't ready for you to be vertical yet."
"No, the whole room is spinning," he admitted, rubbing his eyes.
"That's what I thought. Better you stay put a little while longer. I'll get a wet washcloth for you. That'll have to do for now. In the meantime, the bucket by your head is clean and ready if you need it and…well…I guess…here…" Placing the other bucket near the middle of the couch, both Sandy and Ryan looked at her, clueless.
"Don't look at me like that. You just might need it if you're head is still spinning too much to stand up by the time you have to go again."
Ryan's mouth dropped open. "You want me to piss in that bucket, in the middle of the living room…while laying on the couch?" Ryan asked, horrified at her suggestion.
"You managed to roll over and throw up where you were supposed to, I'm confident you can pee where you're supposed to if you really had to. There is of course the option of having another accident should you fall asleep…"
The Ryan she knew was slowly returning as he gave her one of his pouty glares. She couldn't help but smile to herself at that. It was a rather welcome sight.
"You going to lay off the whiskey?" she asked pointedly.
Ryan nodded. He was in no condition to be arguing. If he so much as turned his head too fast, he knew the dizziness would send him into another round of puking.
"You going to use the bucket if you have an emergency?"
Ryan let out a deep, disgusted sigh before nodding.
"Try to go back to sleep Ryan. Just get some rest. We'll be close by if you need anything."
The morning had dragged on agonizingly slow. Sandy and Kirsten both made the necessary arrangements to be away from work for the day and they left word they would be unavailable over the weekend.
It didn't take long for word to travel through the grapevine and for Caleb to appear on the doorstep.
"Dad…Hi…" Kirsten muttered upon answering the door.
"What's going on? Obviously the boy has gotten into something for you to be unavailable for three days."
Walking through the house, Caleb noticed Ryan sprawled out on the couch, looking sweaty with a bucket next to his head.
"Is he not well?" Caleb asked turning to his daughter with a look of concern on his face.
"Let's go in the other room Dad, I don't want to wake him."
Once in the den Caleb demanded to know what was going on in his usual unsympathetic state.
"Dad, Ryan is…struggling to cope with what's going on right now."
"And that made him sick?"
"No, that gave him the idea to get drunk…to stop the pain he's feeling."
"Pain?"
"He's scared Dad. You don't know much about Ryan, but this hearing that's pending for Monday is truly upsetting him. He doesn't want to go back to his Mother."
Caleb thought for a moment before admitting a confession to Kirsten.
"Ki Ki…I…I talked to the Judge…about Ryan."
A look of alarm consumed Kirsten's face. "If you did anything to ruin his chances of being a part of this family I will never speak to you again. How could you do this? Do you have any idea what that kid has been through?"
"It was my idea."
Whirling around Kirsten gaped at her husband. "Sandy? What are you saying?" Kirsten's voice was barely strong enough to leave her mouth. "Are you…are you changing your mind?"
"No, not at all. I want Ryan here more than anything. Caleb has gone in front of Judge Whitney on many occasions and I asked him to feel her out, see if we could find out which way she was leaning on the case."
"What if this ruins it for Ryan?"
"It won't," Caleb interrupted. "I simply told the Judge that the boy has brought great joy to my daughter and her family and that she should look into his DCFS files prior to making any decisions on the case. I told her the boy deserves a new chance to build his life. That's it. I didn't give her specifics."
Kirsten sat down on the couch just as Ryan started heaving again in the other room.
"I'll check on him," she said, standing back up immediately. "I suddenly understand Ryan's need to be numb," she muttered under her breath.
In the living room, Kirsten rubbed Ryan's back. He'd been sick on and off all morning but he'd finally reached the point where his body was trying to empty a part of him that had nearly nothing left to give. Ryan's voice was hoarse and he was weak.
When he finally laid back down, "You okay Ryan?"
"Just great."
"I'm going to run and rinse this out, I'll be right back."
"Take the other one with you," Ryan requested with his arm over his face.
Checking the other bucket, "You mean…you actually…"
"Do not…talk about it…ever. Just…make it disappear before Seth wakes up."
Nodding in agreement, even though she knew Ryan wasn't looking at her, "You're right. Let's get rid of this."
It didn't take long and Kirsten returned with a single bucket and put it next to Ryan's head again.
"How are you feeling?"
"Embarrassed. Angry. Humiliated."
"Don't be so hard on yourself Ryan. You did what you had to and if you had to go, you had to…"
"It's not that!" Ryan snapped, irritated. "I let her get to me. I let her get inside my head," he paused. "I let her make me doubt everything I learned here. I'm angry with myself for that. I know better than to let my Mom get the upper hand. It's part of her game and I know better."
"With everything you've been through Ryan…it's a lot for anyone to handle."
"I'm not just anyone. I've dealt with this all my life. I know her better than anyone. I just wish Monday was over and I knew if the Judge was letting me stay. I could get on with my life, get back to school…maybe meet some girls."
"Girls? As in plural?" Kirsten commented jokingly, bringing a smile to Ryan's face.
"Yeah, why not?" he asked innocently.
Laughing, "Well, there's nothing I'd like better than to see you back to being a normal teenager…a careful, responsible teenager."
"I give you credit for not using the word 'abstaining' in your sentence," Ryan mocked.
"Just go easy on me in the beginning, no more than three girls at a time okay?" Kirsten joked back.
"Weird huh?"
"What's that?"
Ryan thought for a moment, "We're sitting here joking about the future as if I'm staying."
Not willing to let the good mood turn sour, "They say a Mother's instinct is quite accurate and mine's telling me you'll be here to go back to school next week…meet some girls…maybe get into a little bit of trouble."
"If there's girls involved, there's definitely going to be a little bit of trouble," he smirked. "I really want to stay. I hope you're right."
"Me too. In the meantime, how about some coffee?"
Ryan winced.
"I know you're still feeling sick honey, but you're going to get dehydrated. You were really sick this morning."
"Can I just have a glass of water for now? At least that doesn't have a smell," Ryan grimaced.
"Good point. Water it is. When you feel up to it, we can move you to the den so you can watch some TV. I know it's boring in here."
"It's okay. I don't mind. At least it's quiet, my head appreciates that right now."
The sound of Seth bounding down the stairs ended their conversation.
"So much for the quiet."
TBC…
Extra points to Jenskyies for guessing Ryan might be in the kitchen: D
Y'all have me laughing with the reviews desperately wanting to beat the living daylights out of Dawn! LOL! God that's cracking me up! LOL!
Another warning…Finale is lurking! And then there were two…two chapters remaining that is! (Wrings hands): D We want to end this one on a respectable note and this "chapter" (or section) of Ryan's life is coming to an end. Cheer up though…there's a good chance you'll get more Ryan adventures in a sequel! (Wink wink): D
