"I hate thomases, they're so smelling and have too much attitude."
Now bound from the sand steamer station into the small town of Dankin, Annette Mallerd, Irregular of the Verandil Investigation Agency, was on her way to hunt down the source of these new Vash the Stampede sightings. It was probably a fraud, but unfortunately, one couldn't take that chance when it was their job to keep a disaster from happening. It could have been worse; she could be working for Bernardeli and dealing with the nightmare that was keeping up on damage claims caused by Vash.
Hopefully, this wasn't yet another wild goose chase.
She brought her thomas to a halt outside a local bar and tied it to the post, breathing with relief that she could get a drink before heading into the nearby crags. As she walked in, a strong stench and the sound of an old honky-tonk piano being played welcomed her. The smell she could do without, but at least the music was bearable. Annette noticed the looks she was getting from the current patrons of the saloon, making sure to keep her hands well tucked into the folds of her brown duster overcoat as she walked up to the bar.
The bartender, a strong man with a pipe in his mouth, gave her a knowing nod. "What can I get you, today?"
"A shot of whiskey, and a canteen of water for the road," she said while carefully keeping her eyes open for trouble. She didn't like some of those leering stares that the men in the bar were giving her. Yes, keep those hands in her coat. If one of them made a move...
"Hey honey. You sure you wouldn't rather have something a little smoother?"
There was idiot number one, right on cue. "And what might you suggest, good sir?" she intoned while keeping her eyes, not on the denizens of the saloon, but on the mirror that was behind the bar. Much better way to see things behind her.
"Well, if you wanted some milk, we'd give you all you want!"
"Although I hate to tell you, but it wouldn't exactly be free!"
Pigs, she growled in her mind. Just as one of them reached out toward her, Annette spun around and pulled her hands from in her coat to reveal two sleek automatics, a pair of custom Eagle 9s, complete with heat sinks on the barrels and what looked like shock absorbers in the grip. "How about a round of hot lead, on me?" she hissed. The man jumped back with shock at how dangerously armed this seemingly fragile girl was. Good, he was backing off, as were his friends. "No? I didn't think so."
Spinning her firearms on her fingers, Annette decided to show up a bit before re-holstering them, letting these men that she was no one to be trifled with, then turned back to the bartender just as he set down a shotglass and poured the Wild Turkey. "Thanks," she remarked while picking up the shot, then snapped her arm to pop a derringer out of her sleeve just as one of those sleeveball drunks tried to sneak up behind her. With the single shot pistol aimed right at his head, she held the shotglass to her lips, looking far too calm for the situation. "Just because they call me Twin-Eagle Annie doesn't mean that the Eagles are all I've got," came her words as the man stood there, frightened stiff. "No, go back to your dirty corner, and forget about trying to get a pretty piece of ass today."
He slowly stepped back, then let out a yell as he ran from the bar. Good, that was one shot she'd have for when she really needed it. Annette gulped down the whiskey, then locked her derringer back in the clasp holder in her sleeve. "That felt good," she muttered while the bartender came over with her canteen filled with fresh water. "Say, I heard that Vash the Stampede was in the area, can you tell me where I might find him?"
"Vash?" the man inquired as he handed her the canteen. "What's a pretty thing like you doing looking for a guy like Vash the Stampede?" he paused for a moment. "Don't tell me you're that crazy one hundred billion double dollar reward."
Eh, not quite, but that money would be damn handy. "Actually, no. I'm on business, but anything that might help me find him would really help."
With a thoughtful sigh, the bartender held his chin for a moment. "Well, mind you, I've not actually gotten a good look, but he came through on his way into the mountain range. He's a mountain of a man, about three, maybe three and a half meters tall, wearing a red coat. He wields a large weapon, has spiky hair, and eyes like the Devil himself."
Yes, that sounded about right. She didn't think he was so tall though, if this was true. But if he was in the Dankin mountain range, then she just might have the break she needed. "That's my target," she muttered while pulling out a pair of double dollar bills. "Keep the change, and thanks for the tip."
With that, she ran out of the saloon, untying her thomas and pulling herself up onto the saddle in a single attempt. With any luck, as she now rode out of the tow an towards the mountains, she find Vash and head off any potential disaster. God knew she didn't want those insurance people breathing down her neck about the paperwork they'd be doing.
"Tall man," she repeated as she and her thomas tore out of the town and into the crags. "Red coat, spiky hair, and eyes of the Devil. That's Vash, alright."
"Son of a bitch, how does he do this!"
The large man and the rest of his gang had just found the unconscious men who had tangled with their target. If not for the fact that those five men were out cold, he'd be screaming at them right now instead of the rest of his group. "I want his ass now, and I don't care if you bring him back dead or alive!"
"But boss!" that same man from before exclaimed. "If he did this without firing a shot at them, what's he gonn'a do to us!"
Once more, the giant grabbed him henchman by the head and lifted him up to eye level. "Trust me, Hybird," he hissed lowly. "It's nothing compared to what I'll do!" He threw him into the sand, sending him flying for a good four meters before he hit the ground. "Now get out there and find him!"
The man named Hybird nodded rapidly before racing off with a pair of compatriots in search of thair quarry. They all were rather nervous, since a third of their force had been taken down so quickly, and been left alive. But that wasn't the only thing that scared them. There had been a report of sandworms in the area, and while Dankin had defenses against the massive creatures, they didn't. It was a toss up between their boss, Vash, and the fury of nature, and they weren't sure which one would be less painful a way to die.
From his vantage point, Vash looked down on the men as they searched the crasgs for any sign of him. He tapped the left side of his sunglasses, causing his vision to magnify on the trio that scoured about while numbers ran off calculations of distance in the right side lense. "I'll give them this," he muttered to himself. "They have persistence. I just hope they live to put it to better uses."
He'd come close, a little too close, to accidentally killing someone this time around. He still was running that risk even now, what with the migrating sandworms he'd heard news about. He could probably 'convince' the creatures to leave him be, but for these men who were being driven after him, it was going to be hard.
There. One of them wandered away from the others. He was asking for trouble from the sand dwellers by leaving the company of his fellows. Vash weighed the options in his mind, then sighed and tapped another spot on the left side of his shade to return his view to normal. "You better appriciate this, old man," he muttered, hoping that some how, his actions now would get back to the person in question. "The things I do for you."
Bracing himself, Vash leapt from his perch, bounding across the formations while keeping an eye on the lone wander. He seemed fine for now, and there were signs of the sandworms yet. Maybe they'd gone around the other side of the mountains.
And then, at that moment, an idea struck Vash. He wasn't sure if it was genius or stupidity, but if it worked, it was going to be damn funny. "Alright, guys," he whispered while making his way down to the ground. "Let's play 'Humanoid Typhoon Says'."
"Man, I shouldn't have left the others," the lone man said, his eyes nervously looking about for trouble. If he didn't find his companions soon, he was probably dead, from either Vash or the sandworms. Or, maybe he'd get lucky and actually catch the Humanoid Typhoon. Yeah, that'd be the ticket; catch Vash, and the boss was sure to give him a good cut of the reward money!
Wait, did something just slide down the side of the crags?
"Oh no, I'm a sitting duck over here!" came the voice he recognized as Vash. "What am I going to do!"
He turned and fired, his weapon firing a rapid stream of bullets. There was nothing there, but then, his gun started moving and chiseling a design into the face of the rock. After a moment, the man's eyes went wide as he realized that he had falled for a trap when the design was revealed to be a grinning face; Vash's face. "Shit!"
"Such foul language," Vash remarked, his silver revolver snapping up against the man's head. "I'm sure your mother would be horrified to hear that coming from your mouth." He grinned, noting that this man didn't like the feel of cold steel on the back of his head. "Now, why don't you be a smart boy and drop the gun?"
He gulped. Dead if he did, and dead if he didn't. "Boss, I found him!"
That wasn't part of the plan. "Uh, do you mind keeping it down so I don't have to shoot you?" Vash remarked as he pushed his gun a bit harder into the base of the man's skull. "Really, I don't think a large hole in your head is very flattering, and I'm sure it would make your wife and kids very upset for daddy to die."
"I ain't got no kids," he snapped back. "And most women find me damn offensive, so I'm single!"
The things one learned when holding the other guy at gunpoint. Interesting. "But surely, you have some goals to make better of such a lonely life. It would be a shame to have it end out here."
Why the hell hadn't he pulled the trigger already? Did he make it that much of a point to hold off killing people? "Listen you!" he snapped, now taking the risk and turning around to bring his own weapon to aim at Vash. "You have to die! It would make us all real happy!"
His expression became confusion, and then Vash smiled. Damn those sunglasses for constantly shielding his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he said most nonchalantly. "But, I don't do requests like that."
His foot came up and kicked the rifle out of his foe's hand. With his right hand spinning his silver revolver around, Vash pistol whipped the man across the head and knocked him down just as his left hand went up and caught the rifle. "Sleep tight," he whispered while taking out the magazine from the rifle and leaving the firearm itself beside its owner. The clip went into his own coat, along with his revolver, and Vash sighed as he looked around. Those men would be here soon, considering how load the man had bellowed out where he was.
"What would you do in this situation, Old Timer?" he muttered while trying to think of a plan. If he stuck around, they'd catch him, and that didn't sit too well with Vash, not at all. On the other hand, he could take them all out at once if they 'caught' him. Decisions, decisions.
And the rather loud gunshot that ended up tearing a large chunk of rock apart over his head seemed to make the decision for him. "Move, and I blow your pricey head off!" Yeah, that sounded about right. Ill tempered, loud, and bossy. Definitely the leader of this bounty hunter gang.
"Why the hell not," Vash muttered while he raised his hands up, playing along with this psychopath of a mercenary. "Your friend is still alive, he's just gonn'a have one hell of a headache when he wakes up!"
The large man snorted while keeping his weapon trained on Vash. "He's hardly my friend. Our fate is in that we are partners, and nothing more. In fact, my happiness is his happiness."
And one less person to hand that reward out too, how convenient. "That's just beautiful," Vash replied sarcastically. "You practice that speech, or did you some how manage to come up with that on the fly?"
"Shut your mouth!" the man roared angrily. "You've cost me a lot already, you snot!"
And such admirable manners too. Yeah, this guy was definitely a grade A example of humanity at its best. Not. "But isn't it worth it for a hundred billion double dollars?" Vash quipped, now sporting a grin. "After all, that could get you not just a new gang, but all your medical bills for your hand, with gobs left over."
"I thought I said to shut your goddamn mouth, you little asshole!"
Vash frowned, though his arms lowered a bit, now just with hands up against his shoulders. "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" he sad, not able to quit with the snarky remarks now that he was on a roll. All he had to do was stall for time and...ah, yes, here came more of them. All the better. "I mean, here I am, the infamous and deadly Humanoid Typhoon with a hundred billion big ones on his head, and even I don't need my mouth washed out as much as you. Speaking of washed, yeow. Smells like a pack of thomases keeled over and died over there. When was the last time you had a bath, pal?"
Yeah, now the big guy was getting really angry. Vash smiled to himself, considering how much he couldn't stop when he was running his mouth off like that. Ah, the wonders of a sharp with that refused to not be known. The Old Man was always telling him he had to learn to keep his both yap shut sometimes.
"You think you're funny!" the giant bellowed. He aimed his weapon and fired, blowing a large chunk out of the stone arc over Vash. "Laugh it up now, asshole, if you think you can laugh at getting shot!"
Hm...yeah, this was interesting. Some people just couldn't take a joke. Wait, was that a thomas he heard coming toward them? Who the hell would be coming out here with this insanity going on? Not more bounty hunters after his head.
Now riding up was a blonde girl with sea-green eyes, wearing a tan brown duster coat that has tassles dangling from the full rounding shoulder flap, brown boost and black pants. He couldn't see what kind of shirt she was wearing, but Vash took a stab after noticing the parts that peeked out through the coat sleeves and ventured that it was a white blouse. She dismounted her thomas, glanced at the gang of men surrounding him, then sighed. What, did she expect four giants instead of only one?
"It's about time I found you."
She was adressing the giant. Was she a partner of his? No, from the way he was glaring at her, they had no associations prior to now. So, she wasn't after the price on his head, but then, why was she out here? The sandworms had to have felt all the vibations from that maniac blowing off pieces of the crags, not to mention he probably made a small scale quake every time he took a step.
"Who the hell are you!" the giant snapped. He glanced from the girl to Vash, his gaze one of suspicion. "Are you some friend of his?"
Blink, blink. Well, not that he'd mind knowing her. Vash had to admit, she was pretty cute, but the situation didn't give much chance for introductions. Besides, how does one say "Hi, I'm Vash the Stampede, the Humanoid Typhoon who's got a price of a hundred billion double dollars on his head. I'm also known as a walking Act of God who is he reason for that massive crater in the fifth moon. And you are?" Yeah, that would go over well. She's probably either freak out and run, or pull out a gun and try and take him in for the reward. That would be his luck.
"Never seen him in my life," she replied. "My name is Annette Mallard, I was sent out here by the Verandil Investigation Agency to look into the matter of Vash the Stampede, so you can guess how glad I am to find you."
Wait, why was she talking to the giant like that? Did she think he was who she was looking for! Dear god, hadn't she payed attention to the rumors? Wait, not that Vash thought back, they did all mention him being a very tall man, and wearing his trademark red coat. He supposed that the lard tub did fit a few of those details, but, really. Someone should have told her about how good looking he was. Not to be concited, but, he was a damn sight better looking than this guy.
The giant snorted. Apparently, he was too dense to recognize the mistaken identity. "Why look for me then?" he spat angrily. "You're a little late if you're after the reward, because I'm just about to take this punk to the feds."
Ah, now she was look at him. Good, good. Wait, it was better if she didn't realize he was Vash. But he couldn't let her think that this guy was it. What to do, what to do. what would the Old Man...nah, scratch that. Never think about what that person would do when a pretty woman was involved. Ah well, he'd have to wing it.
"What? You plan to walk up to the feds, who are going to arrest you on sight?" she gave the giant a funny look. "If you're that fixed on turning yourself in then, mind letting me have the cash? I could use a big boost in my paycheck."
One of the men, Hybird, started laughing. "Wait, you think that the boss is Vash! How'd you get that stupid idea!"
That was great. The moron just spoiled it all. Vash made a mental note to beat that guy's head in later when he had a chance. Wait, what was that rumbling sound?
"Because he obviously is!" Annette shouted back.
The giant growled and hefted his rifle onto his shoulder. "Look, missy! I don't know what you're tryin' to pull, but you got your guys mixed up! Vash is a blonde man in a red coat and a big handgun!" So the guy had two of said gun. A minor technicality, faulty rumors was all.
"No he's not! Vash is a giant with spiky hair and a huge weapon!" And eyes of the Devil. This giant didn't fit that description, where as the guy in the red overcoat...well, the way those sunglasses reflected the light, he looked like he had demonic eyes. But that couldn't possibly Vash...could it? "Why the hell aren't the rumors matching up?"
Something was wrong. The ground was rumbling, and the source of it was getting closer. Oh shit! his mind screamed as he realized what it was. Those two didn't have time to argue, not now. He looked around, trying to figure out how to get everyone out of there, and realized it was pointless. He couldn't evacuate everyone, not now that at any minute-
"Oh my god!"
Oh yeah. That scream of death signaled it. Seconds later, the ground burst open as a massive creature rose up, dropping chunks of rock and dirt from its body while giving a roar. It had chosen, of all places, to rise up from behind Vash, which meant that he was running while that stone arch he'd been standing under came crashing down.
"Move it!" he cried as he grabbed the girl by the arm and pulled her along. She yelped in surprise, but that was nothing compared to when he heard the giant cocking his gun. His left hand went down and pulled out his black revolver, and he aimed back just as the giant fired. His own gun thundered as he released his own bullet that tore forward and made a perfect deflection shot when both rounds impacted on each other and dropped to the ground.
The giant stared in shock at what he'd just seen. It was impossible, nothing was that precise in aiming, how the hell had Vash done that stunt! "Son of a bitch!" he yelled, now giving chase while his gang ran for their lives and the sandworm tore up the desert. He wasn't going to lose his money, not after all this. His right hand hurt like nobody's business, but he was willing to deal with the pain to kill the little jerk who'd made such a fool of him.
"Hey!" Annette cried while being lead along by this blonde in red who didn't look much older than her. In fact, he looked to be younger. "Who the hell do you think you are, and why were those guys after you!"
He chuckled while holstering his gun. "You heard the fat head," he replied while glancing back to see that the giant was chasing after them. That poor thomas was worm food now, but nothing could be done now. "I'm Vash the Stampede, Humanoid Typhoon, and the guy who's saving your cute little butt from being that thing's afternoon snack!"
A shot rang out, and Vash pulled her to the ground while the bullet flew overhead. As they got back to their feet, Annette stared in shock at this boy. He had to be just a boy, he didn't even look like he was old enough to shave! He couldn't be Vash the Stampede, there was no way he was even remotely old enough to be the Humanoid Typhoon. That could wait though. After all, he had saved her life, even if he had followed up with a crack about her butt. Okay, he'd been complimenting her, but now was neither the time nor the place!
They came to a halt, having reached a dead end at the edge of the plateau. "Just great," he muttered, then turned back around to see that the giant had arrived, weapon aimed. He glanced to Annette, then slid himself in front of her. "Why the hell are you still after me, you idiot! That sandworm is gonn'a be here any minute!"
He pulled the action of his gun. This guy just didn't learn when to quit. "That head of yours is worth more than my men!" he cried. "You may as well go down like a man, Vash!"
Yeah, definitely off his rocker. But unfortunetely, it put this lady in danger as well. Vash growled, grabbed his revolvers, and drew them out, now taking aim at the giant. "You're making a big mistake, pal!" he cried out. "That thing will be here any minute, and then you're lunch, while we get the hell out of here alive!"
The giant grinned. "You're the one who's making the mistake," he spat back. His eyes shifted to look at Annette. "You're a pretty little thing, miss. Too bad you're going to die with him!"
The hammers pulled back. "When I give the word," Vash whispered to her even as the ground began to shake. "Drop and hug the ground." He spread his legs slightly, trying to keep his balance against the growing quake. "Whatever you do, don't get up, until I say so."
"But what about-"
"Now!"
Just as she dropped to the ground, the giant fired his gun, while Vash twisted about and unleashed his own rounds while dropping down. The giant's shot missed completely, while the thunderous reports from Vash's revolvers struck true and tore into the giant's kneecaps.
He screamed out in pain just as he fell down, dropping his weapon and grabbing his knees. The giant wouldn't stop, but his screaming didn't drown out the rumbling sound that now erupts up from the ground as a massive sandworm. It angled its head at the man, opened its maw to roar, then dove down at him.
"Run!" Vash ordered, pulling Annette to her feet and racing for a side trail that led down the mountain while the sandworm came down on the giant and swallowed him whole, ripping into the ground and causing a massive break on the cliffside. He glanced back and saw the entire cliff fall away from the plateau, along with the sandworm which was tumbling down the mountain side. No doubt, the fall was going to kill it, but he was actually much more worried about the city. "She's gonn'a want my ass for this one," he muttered while leading Annette to safety.
Two days later, Annette sat in a hotel room in Felnarl City, typing up her report. "'As eye-witnessed by this Irregular, the land-slide in Dankin was in fact the result of a sandworm who chased after a band of bounty hunters, and not the actions of Vash the Stampede, who still remains at large. Bernardeli Insurance Society has sent Disaster Investigator Stryfe to handle the claims and sort out compensations for the damages.'"
As she tapped the return key, Annette sighed and slumped over onto the typewriter. "All that, and I didn't even find the real deal," she muttered. After a moment, she blinked. She had found someone who fit most of the rumors, but there was no way it was him. He was way too young, and he most definitely was not the man they said Vash the Stampede was. But, he's seemed incredibly skilled, and he seemed to have the kind of talent that one would expect from the Humanoid Typhoon.
"Gah!" she exclaimed, now leaning back in her chair while glaring at the ceiling in frustration. "All that, and I'm back to square one!"
"Hey, did you hear about what happened in Dankin?"
"No, what happened?"
"The whole town got torn up, the say Vash the Stampede went through."
"No kidding! So, how many did he get?"
"That's the thing. They say nobody died?"
"You mean like you don't need God for a miracle?"
And as he walked out into the deserts, the young man named Vash smiled while glancing back at Felnarl. He knew that by now, people were talking all about him, and how no one in Dankin had died. Sometimes he wondered if it was worth it, but, it really was something to fight for. To make sure people, no matter what happened, could be safe in the end. As for that gang of bounty hunters...well, at least they wouldn't be trying to get his head for that damn price he had on him.
Then there was that Annette lady. "She was pretty cute," he said to himself while continuing into the desert. "It might work out. I should have taken her out to dinner for all the trouble she went through." He chuckled. "Next time, my dear Annie. Don't forget me."
